I remember a lot of when I was young. My name is Jamey. I am 16 years old. I remember the exact night of when my uncle started molesting me, I was 2 or 3. I was still peeing in the bed because my bladder hadn't developed yet, and I would go down stairs to warm myself by the heater. He was staying with us. He sat down with me by the heater and started taking my pants off. Then he would do oral sex on me. This happened almost every night until I was 6 or 7. When I was 4 he raped me. I guess they call it sodomizing, thats what he did. I went to counseling for it after I realized he wasn't supposed to be doing it to me. After a few months the counseling center dropped my case. They never said why. I blocked out my memories after that. Then in the fall of 1999 I started having flashbacks and nightmares, I also started having panic attacks and didn't know that is what they were until 2001. But in Feb. of 2000 the flashbacks got so bad that I tried to commit suicide, ! I overdosed on everything I had and then I tried to slit my wrists and my brother walked in. I knew that I made a mistake and I told my step mom what I did. She called my dad and while I was foaming at the mouth my dad is yelling at me asking me what I took and all I could do was cry. He made me take a medicine that enduces vommitting and I threw up for 4 hrs. straight! I started going to a group after that and I felt better being with girls that it happened to before, I didn't feel so alone. In May of that year, my nightmare came true, my uncle tried something at a family get together. He waited until everybody was out of the house, I was washing dishes and he came up behind me and grabbed my breast from behind, he asked me " I'm a sick puppy, ain't I"? I said, don't f*ckin touch me Henry! He asked me a few times and I said it everytime and he finally said Ok. I went to my bedroom and I was flipping out, I waited until he left to tell my grandma what he did. I did! n't report it to the police until about Sept. They still haven't done anything about it. My aunt pointed out to me that unconsciencely I was taking it out on myself. I still mutilate myself, but am working on it. I also was on the verge of anarexia, I lost 20 lbs. in about 2 months. I am still trying to get through it. I found that through Peel out the watchword I am able to feel better by telling my story.

Jamey



Like many of you, it's hard to know where to begin. When I was 13, I was sexually assaulted a few times by a boy I went to school with. He was a year older and I was totally afraid of him. I thought that was the worst thing that could ever happen to me. I went to therapy and it really did nothing to help me.

I decided to go to college far from home, I'm from Boston and I went to Kentucky. I was there for a few weeks, made really cool friends and I thought life was great. I was always the type never to let my guard down. I was always very careful of my surroundings just because of my past. A few of my friends and I decided to go to a frat party to meet new people. They wanted to meet guys but I had a boyfriend- the same one since I was twelve! I started talking to this guy who seemed really nice and polite. I was with a bunch of people and we were all having a good time. As the night went on, I had to use the bathroom and the line was huge! The guy I was talking to one of the frat brothers, Jared, who said he had a bathroom in his room and my friends and I were welcome to use it. I figured, great, I don't have to wait. One of my friends and I made our way to his room where there were 5-10 people. I went in first and being a typical girl, I was fixing my makeup when I no! ticed it got really quiet in his room. I got out of the bathroom and no one was there except Jared. I asked him where my friend was, and he said she would be right back. His door was shut but I didn't think anything of it. We started talking and he kissed me. I said no because I had a boyfriend and it was all downhill from there. The next hour or so was horrific. I was raped and beaten. While it was going on, someone tried to get in the room but they couldn't because Jared had a dead bolt lock at the top of his door. The music of the party along with the people being so loud, prevented anyone from hearing me scream.

I left school and came back to Boston. A few months later, I reported the rape and ten months after that, I went to a Grand Jury trial. It was a messy procedure because the police department was very unsympathetic and unprofessional. I lost the case and came home. A few months later, I became depressed, and had a breakdown. It took me awhile to recover. He took a year and a half away from my life. I'm much better now but I still have my bad days. I would never discourage anyone to go to the police and take it to court. Actually, I totally support it. I hope this helps someone. Melissa



First off I would like to say i'm sorry for my spelling.

I'm 14 now almost 15. I'm not sure how old I was 8,9, maybe 10. I do know it was March or April, because it happened on the Mat for the High Jump. My rapest was good friends with my brother who was about4 years older than me. I was really good friends Josh(my rapest)too. He played with me you know pretended to be interrested in my stupid kid things. But he never did anything out of line. I live a block from the school so did Josh. All the kids that live near the near the school(mostly boys)wreasle on the High jump mat. My brother babysat me all the time so I was always up there with him and the boys. Josh would be the only one that would pay attion to me he would always power bomb me and make sure the other boys were nice to me, consitering that the other boys wished I wasn't there because I got in the way it was nice to have Josh around . I went up to the mats alone. I wanted to do summersalts and mess around. They had set up the mat right across from his house. So I sopose he saw me and came over I was happy cause I wouldn't be by myself. Everything was normal at first he was asking me if I was exsited about the school carnival Which was that night. So I said yes and that I couldn't wait to dunk my older brother at the dunk tank. Then I asked him to Power Bomb me. He said sure and went to go do it. When you power bomb someone you stick one hand at their crouch and the other at there shoulder he started to do it normal but he said he needed a better grip so he put his hand down my pants and underwear. I didn't have a chance to say anything. Although Something told me it wasn't right. I crawled underneath the cover of the mat that was attached to the mat he followed me when we were under there I told him about how I was trying to earn money for a Skipp It and that I had $5 already It Cost $10 He said he would give me the other $5 if I would French Kiss him. I said no .He told me I needed to get practice for the future. I was about to say no again when he kissed me. I remember the nasty taste of his mouth. He said lets wreasle and he took off his shirt. He got and top of me and I told him to get off me. Then he unzipped he pants. He asked me to touch it ,and I said no that it wasn't even real. I had seen my mom give my little brother a bath several times, But his looked different it was sticking up. At the time I didn't understand what was happening I just knew it was wrong. He started to kiss me . I kept telling him to stop, but he didn't. he ripped off my pants and took off his. I remember the smell the most, the horriable smell. I also remember the pain it hurt so much I thought I was Dieing because of much it hurt. I kept starting to lose Consiousness, but I fought to stay awake. It seemed like hours. I thought he would never stop so I rolled of the mat,and fell to the ground. He started to come after me so I ran around and back in the mat to get my pants and underwear. I grabbed them ,and rolled out in the same place. He had seen me go under the mat ,and he was back under the mat looking for me. I quickly put on my underwear and pants,and stared runing because he would come out any secondbut I had taken off my shoes and sockes before I got on the mat to play. Their were stickers in the grass,but i kept running. I climbed up the stepes to the dunk tank and hid. Then I thought if he finds me I'm trapped. So I tried to be queit. I'll never forget how scared I was. Then I slowly came out . He was gone. So I ran home as fast as I could. Then I went to my room ,and decided I wasn't going to tell anyone . Josh hadn't threatened me but I was still terrified of him. I wanted to change clothes so I did. I saw blood on my underwear so I threw them away. I was ! scared I was Dieing ,Because of all the blood on my underwear. Josh moved after that.

The first person I told was a friend who had also been raped.She told me we couldn't help what happened. I already knew that. I never blamed myself. An hour later I told my Brother. He called me a lier. He said I was just saying the same thing Susie was. He said he wasn't going to tell mom because it wasn't true. Then he admitted that Jost had made Perverted commints about me. I yelled at him and said if he heard him say stuff then why doesn't he belive me. He never replied. In the last two years I have told 4 other people close to me. the last one three months ago. She said she had been molested by the boy next door. She took him to court years later to make sure no one else had the same thing happen to them. She keeps telling me to tall my mom, and take him to court. I want to but don't have the courge. I'm scared he will come after me or have someone else come after me. I don't even know where he is. I just now staring to tell peole I don't think I can handle this. I want help but not from theripest. I can't stand theripest. I want help and advice from close friends or people who have been through similar things. I'm just starting to get over it. I'm not sure if I sould bring it all back although I don't want him to hurt others . So I'm not sure what to do.

Email me Please with Your Advice Maybe I can become a Servivor

Tiffany



I posted my story here before, on page 67...But more things have happened sadly....Don went to jail...I'm still with him...But about a month ago, I was really depressed, and I got into a car with a guy offline and he took me somewhere I was never at. And he took me to a motel after he got beer and malt liqour...He took me there to the motel and gave me "Mike's hard Lemonade" I must admit it was very good, but I could never drink it again without the flaskbacks. I'm only 13 still, but goin on 14 in about 2 months! I got drunk, and was about passed out when he started taking off all my clothes, we fought over this before, and I told him I didn't wanna do anything with him, I just came to get away from my family that I was mad at that night...and I could feel him kissing my body , my face, then he stopped I thought it was over, but it wasn't, he decided to suck on my boobs...then he stopped again, hoping to die by then, and trying like hell to get away from him but I felt so weak! ...I just lied there, thinking is he gonna kill me after this, cause I hope he does...I felt him stick his fingers "inside of me" that continued for a while, by then I was almost out, but just then I thought I could ignore it all, I felt him "go inside of me" and he was on top of me kissing me again....The whole time, the only thing I could hear was him and what he had to say when he tore my pants earlier, and that was, "Do you want me to have to get rough?" That's when I actually started to think he was gonna kill me...Then I had to sleep next to him all night until 5AM when he woke me up and took me home...No more kisses! And for that I'm happy! I sat up at rutters thinking, I wonder if mom is up and found out that I never went to my friends house like I said I was going to do...I went home and she was sitting on the couch crying, I walked in with a bad attitude later on the cops arrived and took me down the station and made me say what happened over like 5 times that whole! day! I had to go to the hospital and everything! And now I feel really bad because the cops are at his house and I really feel that it's all my fault because I was the one that wanted to hook up that night, and I got into the car with him, and I didn't yell and I was the one drinking, at the age of 13! I mean what the hell was I thinking? My mom blames me, she even said so to the hospital or counselor, I forget who.

That's my story, and hopefully people that read this will never ever meet people offline, it's really bad stuff to get into! Feel free to e-mail about whatever you want..Take care everyone!

Shannon



My Story

By: Vanessa

It's sad that I feel some sort of ownership and possession of my story. I can't believe I am typing this...can't believe I feel so empowered to do so. My story is one that I have not heard very often. I feel like an outcast...misunderstood. Here is my story...

I adored him the moment I saw him. I knew he was going to change me, change my life little did I know how horribly he would destroy me. I was 14, he was 16. We became friend, or so I thought at the time. There was never a hint of anger, abuse, not of it. He was so charming, nice, popular and fun. Then it all turned ugly. He became physically abusive. Small at first, like he would push me or punch me..give me lead arm. Then, as time went on, he began to beat me unmercifully. Fat lips, bleeding noses, bruised ribs, on and on. At first, I wondered what was happening even before it got that bad. We were all so young and naive, we chalked it up to "Oh that's just Mike". I still wondered and didn't accept the excuse but I soon learned that I had no choice. He beat me more severely and frequently as the months passed. There were always the sexual innuendos. It seems at that time, there always was. But the talk turned into action. I can't believe I am going to shar! e this. Here goes...

The first time I went home with him he tried to have sex with me. He tied my wrists together with a bungee cord and asked me how I felt. I was terrified and trapped. But I remember how hard I fought him and how I had won. But I only one that time, every other time after that I was a victim of rape.

He would beat me, kick me in the ribs as I tried desparately to crawl away. He always got me by the hair and told me what he was going to do to me. I would cry and beg him. "Please, please don't do this to me". He would laugh and tell me that I would be begging him for sex eventually. He would rape me so rough and so hard I thought I would never survive that pain. He would choke me as he did it. I felt like my eyes would burst, like I would die. As time went on, I begged him in my mind to kill me. It just seemed so much easier than being tortured. The beatings and rapes went on for a year.

Then I reached my breaking point. Something in me had had enough. I deserved better than that, I deserved more. I told him I would not be hanging around him anymore and when he told me he would make my life a living hell, I told him it couldn't be any worse than it was at that moment. He stalked me for a long time...years. He assaulted me in school.

The saddest part was no one took the time to notice and if they did, they didn't do anything about it. Teachers saw him holding me in a choke hold against the lockers and they asked us if we had a class to go to. Friends saw it too and turned a blind eye. My family never noticed, so they say. I do take responsibility for never saying anything. I was 14/15 years old, I thought it would destroy my family. That they just wouldn't be able to handle it. I thought I would do a better job.

It has been destructive. The secrets were the worst part because I was cut off from everyone who loved me and would have cared for me. I can still taste him, feel him, smell him, hear him, see him. I am so angry that he has changed my life forever. That he has impacted it so much and that I have shed tears for so long. I feel so old, so aged emotionally and I am only 25.

He destroyed something in me then, but I have my whole future ahead of me. He didn't destroy that. Mike...the rapist, the abuser...has no power over me now...has no control over me now.

I am triumphant...even when I don't feel like it. He would have won had he killed me. He did not. I have survived.

Hang in there all of you SURVIVORS, you are victims no longer! You have your whole life ahead of you and you did the best you could at that time. Sure we would all like to have done something differently because we have grown and matured even if it happened a few months ago...we have learned from our experiences.

Take care of yourselves. Stay as strong as you can.



It has been 4 years and a few months (I try not to count anymore). I was 19 and a virgin. I haven’t seen him around town much this past year, although I know he still lives here. We had one date and I don’t think he would remember me. But I defiantly remember him. I actually wrote part of this 2 years ago to vent my rage, for fear of finding him and beating him into a pulp because I knew where he worked. This is my letter to my rapist:

Do you even know who I am? Do you remember my face? I certainly remember yours. It seems like it was forever ago, then sometimes it feels like yesterday. I'll bet you don't even know what you did.

I met you on Friday, April 5th 1997. You were standing at a payphone in the bar (yes, I said I was 19, they didn't card) I started flirting with you and you invited me to join you and some of your friends. The night progressed and you needed to leave. You asked me to meet you the next night and I said yes.

Saturday:
I met you at your work. You thought I should leave my car there and let you drive to this party at a your buddies. I said that was fine and we cruised to the party. You had 2 beers and hit off a joint, no big deal I thought your were being considerate staying sober. Then we drove back by your work so I could get my car and follow you to your house, where your mom was home, and watch some movies. On they way to get my car I told you that I was a virgin and was not going to sleep with you. I wanted you to understand that very clearly and told you that I was quite willing to end the night now if you had been planning something different. You were thrilled with my decision and told me how much you respected me and that you didn't want me to leave.

We went up to your room (where's the TV?) and started to make out. OK, so we'll make out a bit, no harm...clothes started coming off...ok, I was a technical virgin, I was cool with oral sex. (This is why people tell me it's my fault and here is my biggest point of shame and guilt). I had done this with other guys and usually if they got a b.j. they didn't mind no sex.

You had other ideas you decided to just put it in! As soon as I realized what was happening I tried to pull away. I said no and after about the 3rd time you stopped. Ok, so you stopped, it was in for maybe 30 seconds you didn't finish, so what am I complaining about (that's what the cops said!) The point is you shouldn’t have started in the first place. You knew I was a virgin and I very very clearly told you no sex. Nowhere during the course of the night did I ever tell you any different! After you stopped you told me you were sorry, but since we'd already started couldn’t we finish? NO!!! First of all, you started not me! You told me "some girls say no when they really mean yes!" I didn’t' realize some people really used that line! So you knew I had said no and just chose to ignore me. This means you raped me.

In a dazed stupor I managed to get my clothes on and walk downstairs to the door (thank god I had gotten my car!). You made me wait while you wrote down your number and told me to “call you later.” I absently stuck it in my pocket and left. I drove around for awhile, and finally I was sobbing so hard I had to pull over.

Where was my night with candles and flowers and big fluffy pillows and a knight in shining armor who is suppose to tell me he loves me?!?! I was saving that for someone special! I had worked hard at waiting and told lots of men no and they had all listened. Why did you have to go and ruin it?!

Elizabeth



i'm 13 years old and 6 months ago i was raped by my 18 year old cousin, not only was he my couisn he was my best friend. it was it was two days after new years day and everyone was happy including me. i don't think i had ever been so happy but it soon changed. we were home alone. he was down stairs and i was in my room. i heard him come up the stairs but thought nothing of it. he came in to my room without knocking and briskly walked over to me. he pushed me down on to my bed. he held my hands up above my head and pushed my legs down with his body weight. he ripped my top and bra off and started tugging at my trousers. he forced my legs open and slowly put his hand down my panties. he moved his hand around. he then took it out and ran his hands all over my body. he was biting and sucking my tits. it hurt but i couldn't stop him. again he forced my legs apart. he moved. i closed my eyes and heard his belt buckle and the zip of his jeans. he grabbed hold of my hand. i opened ! my eyes but quickly shut them as i saw where my hand was heading. he moved my hand up and down it. he let go of my arm. i opened my eyes. i looked at him. he looked at me, looked down and the froced himself inside me. a sharp pain shot through my body. i clamped my eyes shut and prayed that it would soon be over. i heard his zip and belyt buckle on his jeans. he got up and walked out. i was numb. i couldn't believe what had just happened. i hurt all over. slowly i sat up and noticed the blood stain on my bed. i grabbed my bed covers and wrapped them round me. i sat and cried in disbelief. all i could think was why. after a while i realised that the rest of my family would be home soon so i had to get my self cleaned up. i scrubbed myself clean but still felt dirty. i grabbed all my clothes and the blood stained bed covers and shoved them in a bag and thew them to the back of my wardbrobe where they still lay today untouched. i satyed in my room untill i was sure i heard the rest of my family return. i went down stairs and walked in to the room where he and the rest of my family was sitting. he winked at me. i sat down next to my uncle and cuddled up close to him.



I am coming up on my 9-year anniversary of my rape. I was 17 when it happened. I was a senior in high school dating someone who was two years older than me. We were at his house when it happened. I do not wish to go into detail about that night. Fast forward to a year later. I was sitting in my biology of human sexuality class at my local community college when the subject of sexual coercion came up. When they were telling what constituted rape, my memory came back. You see, I had blacked the whole experience out. That class discussion was that trigger. I wished I could have taken him to court, but it was too late. I cried and was in shock. Sometimes I still do, but not as much anymore. I have only told a select few what happened. My parents don't know and right now, I don't know if I ever want them to know. I found him on an internet search and I know he is far from where I live and MARRIED! I wonder if his wife knows he is a rapist. I have chosen to forgive him as a person, but I do not excuse what he did. I cling to God for my support and for daily healing. I am about to get married and my fiance knows about it and will be gentle when it comes to making love for the first time (we are both virgins-my rapist, thank the Lord, may have taken my dignity at the time, but I still have my virginity to give to the rightful person as his penis was nowhere near my vagina...he raped me another way). Sometimes it is hard being silent. But this gives me a chance to share with thousands. People wonder where God is in these situations and are quick to blame Him. I don't. I know God has put me in this position for a purpose so far beyond what I can ever imagine. He was there in that room when I was raped, He was there when I realized what happened to me and He is there to hold me in His arms when I want those memories to go away, when I cry, when I have another breakthrough. He is the Great Physician and day by day, He is helping me and healing me, prepari! ng me for loving touches from my husband, so that I don't have to be afraid. And He gave me a wonderful man who loves me and does not look at me like damaged goods or with pity. And I know that when my rapist has to stand before God to give account for his life, that the sentence God gives him for raping me is more severe than jail time!!!

Let me share with you a wonderful Scripture that gives me hope. I read it every time I start to feel like I will never heal. I hope these words are help and healing to you, even if you do not share the same religious beliefs as mine!

Here it is:

"The Spirit of the Lord is upon me, because the Lord has anointed me to bring good news to the afflicted He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to captives, and freedom to prisoners. To proclaim the favorable year of the Lord, and the day of vengeance of our God To comfort all who mourn, To grant those who mourn in Zion, giving a garland instead of ashes, The oil of gladness instead of mourning, The mantle of praise instead of a spirit of fainting. So that they will be called oaks of righteousness, The planting of the Lord, that He may be glorified. Then they will rebuild the ancient ruins, They will raise up the former devestations, And they will repair the ruined cities, The desolations of many generations."

"Instead of your shame you will have a double portion, and instead of humiliation, they will shout for joy"

Isaiah 61:1-4, 7a

And another word of encouragement, there are two accounts of sexual assault in the Bible. In Genesis 34, a woman named Dinah was raped, but her family and her God made sure her rapist paid. And in 2 Samuel 13, a woman named Tamar was a survivor of incest, and her half-brother also got what was coming to him. I think it's great that God is on our side!!!

Anyway, if you want to get in contact with me, please e-mail me. I will try to respond as quickly as I can.

Susan




 
 
 
 
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