Lets start from the middle... b/c this is really how I remembered things anyways. I moved 3000 miles away from home. I did this b/c it was time for me to go to college and I have been offered this really great scholarship that meant living away from home for a year and getting paid to go to school... so I did it. I was 19. However while I was there I went from 2nd in the class to 12th. I started to loose a lot of my concentration and started to have bad dreams. My roommate asked me if I needed to maybe see someone about my dreams. I had not even told her I was having them... so I asked her why she knew. She said she just heard me some nights. Then a young man I met and became friends with really started to have me open up. I soon realized that something had happened back home. Over time I realized I had been in an abusive relationship. That my B/f... lets call him J, had been very possessive and stocked me. As I began T at a rape crisis center, I began to realize he had sodomized me. Raped me repeatedly. Stocked me. Cut me. Tied me up and done "things" to me. Raped and sodomized me with objects. Left me on the side of the road. He would say that I was "fucked up", that I deserved to be raped. That I wanted this. That I needed this. That he was doing what I wanted. See I had never wanted to have sex with him. I felt I was too young and not ready. And whenever he did make out with me... it always felt wrong... and I felt scared. I hated it when he touched me b/t my legs. So I never wanted to have sex with him. He took that choice away from me. He was 2 years older than me and working as a "cop". He had done this all over a 4-year period of time. Since I was 15 or so. Somehow my mind had just blocked all this out... even as soon as it happened. During my senior year of high school I finally broke up with him... I was not upset by the break up... relived actually... but I never understood why. However breaking up with him just made things worse. He felt more free to hurt me and follow me around until he could handcuff me and take me someplace to tie me up and rape/sodomize me for 16 or so hour block of time. That is why I had moved away. I had moved away for college... not realizing I was running away from him.
When I came back when I was 20 to start school back home (so I could be with my ageing grandparents) I was terrified of seeing him again. I was so concerned that he would hunt me again and hurt me. But I felt ready to take him on and ready to fight back. When I moved back I also remembered new things. After all I was sleeping in a bed... in a house that many of the rapes had taken place in. I remembered a miscarriage I had had. Blood pouring down b/t my legs... my stomach cramping... me falling to the floor in pain. Wondering if the bleeding was going to stop. All this in the bathroom of a restaurant. Him finding me and taking me on a drive to the mountains... not wanting my parents to find out. Finally over 3 days the bleeding slowed and stopped. He told me it was a bad period. I believe him.
Anyways... Dec 12, 2000 a friend came by. I have known him for 6 years. Lets call him A. He came by and brought me a gift. He knew about J and that he had sodomized me. Then while I was getting A a drink he started to touch me. I thought he was playing around so I told him to knock it off. I had 2 finals the next day and a paper to write. He kept persisting... finally I threw him against a wall. It broke my light switch. He said sorry. I told him sorry for hurting his back... while I was walking to the bathroom he attacked me and sodomized me. As soon as he started to go behind me I shut down and stopped fighting. I went into shock. I do not remember most of the attack... the next day I took my final... do not remember taking it but I did well. Then I went to get help. I was in so much pain. I could not sit... and I was still bleeding. My friend talked me into going to the hospital. I got a rape kit done. The doc. said vaginal penetration took place too... but I do not remember that. My anus was ripped. They wanted to give me stitches. I said no... After all ... it was not half as bad as what J had done to me... and I had lived thro that just fine with out any medical attention.
School got hard... decided to take time off... I was having memories of being hurt again... only while I was younger. I tried to kill myself. I started T two times a week. I got more and still continue to have more memories. Of being kissed... touched... having oral sex done to me. Of someone making me touch someone else. All of this by a girl. A classmate. I think I was 6-7 and that it lasted for a while. She was hurting her sister too.
These memories from when I was little made sense. Now I knew why I was afraid and felt nervous, terrified when J had tried to make out with me when I was in High School. I was not fucked up b/c I did not like what he was doing... I just had been hurt and molested. And even if I had not been hurt... he had no right to do what he did. Sick bastard.
Now I am 20. I am in T two times a week. I hope to be able to go back to school soon. I cannot sleep. I have panic attacks. I mood swing. I have PTSD. I am on a med. I have night mirrors. No one in my family knows. My b/f a survivor himself just broke up with me I think b/c I am triggering him to much. I am alone. I am afraid of ppl. All three of these ppl had NO RIGHT to do what they did to me. I have been hurt and hurt again. I have been lied to and told that everything was my fault. Most days I still think it was. They took who I had the right to be. They killed me. And slowly with a lot of help, I am learning to live again.
Thank you for reading... and safe healing to everyone.
Pele
aim: rooty217
It has been a year and I am still trying to work through this. My parents do not know that I was raped, and they would not help even if they did know. My family was never close. I mean, when they found out about my anorexia, they made fun of me. I have started having all these outbursts with them, and they think it is because I am working too much and involved in too many activities at school. It is because I can’t deal anymore, and I have nobody to talk to. I told one teacher this year, she has been a good support, but she feels the only way to get through this is to talk to my parents. I told her that they know but they don’t. I want to tell her the truth, but I am so scared of how she will react. I have one place where I feel safe, which is the place I go to on weekends. When it comes time to leave, I cry because I know that I have to go home and face reality again and it is just so hard. This is tearing me apart I just do not know how to overcome it. I wish that I could just wake up one morning and it would be all over. Please, I need someone to talk to.
I don't know where to start except by saying I was really naive and to trustworthy of others and one night all that was changed. One night a few months back in November 2000
I was raped. His name was Blake. I'm not sure of all that happaned or how it even got to that point. I was drugged and the drug knocked me out so for a lor of it I was knocked out. Sometimes I think it is a blessing I was knocked out and don't remember all of the details. Even though I don't remember all of what happaned it still hurts as much as if I did remember all of it. I remember the beginning of the night and everything that happaned up to a certain point. One fo the people I was hanging with offered me a drink and since I had come to his house with a friend of mine I said ok and so he got me a beer and obviously put some kind of drug in it. From the side effects I felt it seems like it was GHB. One minute I was having a good time laughing and shooting pool at this guys house. The next thing I knew is I woke up and Blake was on top of me and having sex with me. Before I could do anything about it and tell him no I passed right back out. I don't know how my clothes came off or how I got to his bedroom on his bed or anything. I mean I know he brought me in there but I don't remember any of it. When I woke up in the morning he was asleep in the bed right next to me he had his arms all around me. I moved his arms off of me as softly as I could so I wouldn't wake him up I didn't want to talk to him about what had happaned. He woke up anyway and acted as if nothing had happaned. My friend was asleep in the living room on the couch he didn't know what happaned when I told hin later he said he thought I willingly went to Blake's bedroom that night and that I wanted to be with him. Which I did not at all. I was still messed up from the drug I was given so I couldn't drive so my friend told Blake where I lived because they asked me and I was so messed up I couldn't tell him and Blake drove me home. I found out a few weeks after it happaned that he had bragged about what had happaned. It got back tome through mutual friends that he had done everything you can possibly do to somebody in every possible position including sodomizing me. I don't know why it bothers me so much considerign I don't remeber all of what happaned. I force myself to remember that night and make myself remember more things but I haven't remebered much more except that I said something when I woke up for that brief second and he told me to bequiet and that he sounded mad at me for what I said but then I passed right back out. Sometimes I wish I could remember what happaned I mean it was my body I have the right to know what happaned. I guess though that I'll never know. I feel that in sone ways it was my fault for drinking a drink someone got me that should have known better. I mean I had just me Blake the night he raped me. I just thought he was a good person because he was friends with one of my friends so I thought everything would be okay. I have a real hard time dealing with all this. When I got home I was scared so I took a real hot shower and went to bed. I never told anybody what happaned.
My family doesn't know what happaned and I don't want then to ever
know. I have a lot of nightmares about that night and its always the same
I relive that night but in my dreams he is chasing me and I am running
from him and when he catches me he rapes me and I can see it all
vividly in my dream and I wake up crying. I have a lot of mixed feelings
about what happaned. Sometimes I feel mad and angry and sometimes I feel
like it was my fault. Sometimes I get real depressed and can't get out
of bed. I am feeling better the last few months. For a while I was
cutting myself but had to stop when people started noticing the cuts on
my arms. I don't cut anymore and don't want to . I still get real
depressed and scared sometimes I can't even get out of bed some days.
That's all I wanted to say except that I am very thankful I found this site
and am thankful I have had a place to tell my story even though it has
been one of the hardest things I've ever done. I wish the best of a luck to all other survivors and I hope that one day we can all put
this mess behind us. Thank you.
I am so confused and angry and sad I don’t know where to start. I’ve read so many survivor stories and everyone seems so together, and strong. I’m not. So if you are reading this and you’re angry and frustrated believe me I can understand, but please don’t read this story with hopes of getting any answers or help with lessening the hurt and anger you are feeling. I am sorry for not being able to help you. I can only hope that letting you know that you’re not the only one feeling this way will put you at ease.
I have read on many sites that writing about what happened can not only help the survivor, but also serve to assist others on their road to survival. This is why I am writing this down and sharing it with you.
I have no idea how to start telling this story as the details are still very new to me. It isn’t something I am used to talking about. It doesn’t exactly come up in conversation everyday.
There is one person in this world that I’ve talked about this with. He is my best friend and roommate and lover, but we are not a couple. Complicated situation I know, but that’s another story. I share this information with you because without James I don’t think I ever would have started to deal with this. Because he is my best friend I can tell him anything. Because he and I have a romantic history he knows me as intimately as I know myself. Because he is my roommate he hears the battle I go through every night while I sleep. On many occasions he has come to my rescue, running into my room to hold me while I calm down after another nightmare. I trust him with my life and I know he would never judge me or add to the shame I already feel. I pray you have someone in your life you can trust like this. Please don’t try to go through this alone. YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
For six years I had a reoccurring dream every month or so. I would be walking through a parking lot, I could hear people in the background laughing and singing. Then without warning everything would get dark, I would feel pressure on the back of my neck and I wouldn’t be able to move. Then I would wake up with a feeling of panic and helplessness. Not associating it with anything, I would go back to sleep and rarely think about it again until the next time it happened.
In January of last year a friend and I went back to my college town for a weekend of "The Good Old Days." We had a great time partying with all my old friends on the Friday night. We decided to call it an early night and save up for the big party the next day. I was designated to go out to the car to get our personal things out of my car before taking a taxi to the hotel. That is when it all came back to me. I turned the corner to walk through the parking lot and I realized it was the parking lot in my dream. I could hear all the people in the bar laughing and singing and I froze in fear.
Instantly memories flooded back as if someone turned a TV on. I remembered back to when I was 20, just before moving away. I had been at the bar with my college roommates and I left early. I walked through the parking lot to my car and fumbled with my keys but they dropped and rolled under the car before I could catch them. I remembered thinking that if I couldn’t hold onto the keys it was probably a good sign that I should take a taxi home instead of drive. I had to lay on the ground to reach them, I heard footsteps coming up behind me, I though it was my friends. I was about to make a joke when I looked up and realized that my friends were nowhere in sight. Two men stood over me, laughing. As soon as I looked up and saw them Man 1 put his foot on the back of my neck and pushed my head into the ground while Man 2 bent down and said "This will be so much easier for you if you give us what we want and don’t say no."
There was a van beside my car, as Man 2 opened the door Man 1 grabbed the back of my jeans and handful of hair and pushed me into the car. They didn’t speak to each other. They had done this before. I struggled and kicked preventing them from pushing me all the way into the van. Man 1 held my head on the floor of the van really hard and said, "Just shut up and behave and you won’t die." It wasn’t until then that I realized that my life was in danger. I stopped struggling. I stopped trying to yell for help.
I was pushed into the van and into position. Man 2 unbuttoned my jeans and tore them off taking my shoes with them. I was paralyzed with fear. All I could do was cry while they took turns with me. When they were finished with me they put my jeans and shoes back on, and climbed over me to get out of the van. I laid there in the van, still unable to move. All I can remember thinking was that the carpet smelled like wet dog and cream soda. It only took a few seconds for me to realize that I was free to go so I opened the side door and fell out of the van back onto the ground where I started. I grabbed my keys and got up to see if I could see them around. I didn’t see anyone. I jumped into me car and drove home.
I got in and immediately got into the shower. As I was getting out of the shower my roommates came home laughing and joking and telling me all about what I had missed. I didn’t say a word. I went to bed and never thought about it again.
For six years the only memory I had of the incident was the reoccurring dream that I didn’t understand. I completely shut it out of my conscious mind. I don’t know how I pushed it so far back so quickly but I did. All of the details I’ve just shared didn’t come back all at once, but enough of it came back last January that I knew what had happened to me.
When I got home from my weekend reunion I made an appointment with a sexual abuse therapist. I got to the Dr.’s office and couldn’t speak. I couldn’t talk about it at all. He said, "Go home, tell your boyfriend and you can bring him with you next week for support." I went home and tried to talk to my boyfriend but he didn’t want to hear about it. He said if he heard the details he wouldn’t be able to look at me the same way ever again. Needless to say that relationship didn’t last very much longer. His words were so cold and made me feel so ashamed of what happened that I pushed it away again for another year.
This January it came back to me again and I’ve refused to push it away again. Bit by bit, my dreams or movies or songs will trigger a memory and I’ll remember a little bit more. I have so many questions. How is it possible that nobody walked through the parking lot and saw this happening? If they did, why didn’t they help? How long did it last? Where did they go after they got out of the van? Was it even their van? Why didn’t I fight harder? Why didn’t I go to the police? Why? Why? Why?
I’m 27 years old now and I am desperate to regain control of my life.
Or at least sleep through the night. I know without James I would have
pushed it back again, but his support and compassion has given me the
strength I’ve needed to continue to dig deeper and find the answers.
I’m so far from healed, but I know I’m on my way.
Growing up, being told that I had the "victim" personality, I actually started to believe it. At 15 I had my first abusive boyfriend, at 18 I was raped, at 20 I was held up at gun point and at 21 I was slipped a "roofie". I actually started to feel like I was worth nothing, that they were right, if all this happened to me, it was my fault, I brought it on myself.
At 18, I really thought my life was going to change, I convinced myself I was going to get a "nice guy" and would never allow a guy to treat me like before. I met a great guy that was a member of a fraternity. We hung out all the time and he was my best friend. One night was all it took to ruin my life, I drank to much at a party, and past out in his friends bed at the frat. I don't remember much after that, even to this day, all I remember well is the pain and the feeling of floating. I watched myself get raped. I had no control over my body. I moved back home about a month after my rape and told no one. I convinced myself if no one knew than it never happened. It took me a year before I actually had a break down. I tried therapy repeatedly but it never helped, dr's put on medications but they didn't help. I felt like every time I started to make process something happened...I was mugged....I had my stomach pumped after seizuring from someone slipping something in my drink at a bar.
Seeing Tori in concert was amazing, it brought me to tears and started me on my path of healing. She is an inspiration and my reminder of the absence of the "victim" personality. I have no shame associated with my rape. I understand that there is no such thing as a "victim" personality. I am not a victim, I am a survivor. I am proud to be a survivor. I still am not ready to be in a relationship, but know I understand that it's not important to be in love. It is important to love yourself.
Beth
I appreciate your interest in my story. It's taken me a long time to come this far. It's still not over, but I need it to be heard.
Six years ago, March 3, of 1995, I was in college. I was 19 years old. Attending classes and doing rather well in school. I was happily engaged to a man that I thought truly loved me. He became rough with me occasionally, but never anything drastic. I made myself believe that the occassionally was permitted. I was wrong. One instance always lead to another. On March 3, 1995, I was invited to a party that he was hosting with all of his friends. I attended the party. He was over 21, and drinking alot of liquor. He and I got into an argument over sex again. I was still a virgin, and wanted to wait until he and I were married.
He became persistent on the issue, and eventually violent. I argued back, only to receive a slap in the face in front of his friends. They began taunting him about my attitude, and showing him more respect.
I took a beating by him that night. He lifted me up and threw me into the trunk of his car. I was kidnapped by him and taken to a cabin. I was unable to escape for a month and a half. I was actually held captive under his control. In this cabin, I was brutalized, raped, tortured, beaten and spiritually murdered. My family searched for me, but couldn't find me anywhere. His friends would come over and use me regularly. I was too exhausted and drained to even fight back.
On April 17, 1995, I was released on the side of the expressway to find my own way home. I didn't go to the police, or the hospital. I returned to my dormatory. For two more weeks I lived in hiding, not wanting anybody to see me as I was. I was ashamed and humiliated. I didn't want to live anylonger, but something made me hold on. I still to this day have no idea what it is that makes me hold on, but I do.
Eventually, I told my mother, who assisted me in court proceedings. He managed to win the battle in court. Because of my loss, my mother began to doubt me. I feel as though she turned her back on me. We live in the same house, yet barely speak.
It's now March of 2001. I told one of my closest friends about it this past summer. She was stunned, but extremely supportive. I began counseling. He found out that I was talking to people about it, and in September of 2000, I was taken from my place of work at gun-point. I was forced to drive my car to a local motel, where I was beaten harshly and raped by multiple men. I'm led to believe that it was the same people from 1995. I was told that it was done to teach me a lesson on keeping my mouth shut. I left the motel room when they were finished with me, and raced to a friends house that was on my way home. I got little support and never went to the police.
Out of desperation, I contacted my dearest friend. I explained what had happened, but she already knew. He had contacted her through email. Her place of employment came across the email and questioned us both. Nothing came of that either.
I now suffer alone, because I know now that the court system isn't for the victim, it's for protecting the perpertator. We need to change the laws and stop protecting the rapists. Too many people are hurt, and know what will happen by going to the police. In my case, whether I went to the police or not, my rapist was well protected.
He still stalks me. He calls me nightly, he joined my gym. I refuse to move away. I no longer want to run and hide with my tail between my legs. I want to stand up for who I am, and that young innocent girl that he took away in 1995.
Thank you for taking the time to read about my story. It is a form of release to finally allow it to come out. I would like to take this moment to thank two people who made all the difference in getting me as far as I've come. . .For identity purposes, we'll leave it at C&D. Thank you both of you. You will never know what an impact you've had on my life.
i feel this need, sitting here tonight, to purge myself and finally began to face it. i am scared and strong at the same time.
this is hard. i feel like he is standing behind me watching me write these words, mocking me, telling me i am a liar. that i asked for it--no, that i wanted it. i was a waitress at a restaurant. he was a cook. he worked days and i worked nights but one night he was there with me. he introduced himself and i thought he seemed like a nice guy. as the shift went on, he went out of his way to be nice to me and compliment me. i smiled back and talked with him, only trying to return his kindness. at one point, he pulled me into the cooler and pressed himself against me. i was shocked and confused. i walked out. i let it go. a few hours later, he pulled me into the tiny breakroom and grabbed me and kissed me. i pulled away and told him i had a boyfriend. he said he didn't care and that he probably wasn't treating me right anyway. i told him this wasn't appropiate behavior at work. i walked out again. i let it go. some time later, he came up to me and apologized for his previous behavior and asked me for a ride home. i said i would think about it. i went to my manager and asked her about his character. she said he was a great guy and i had nothing to worry about. he lived around the corner and she had taken him home a million times before. she didn't know about the previous incidents. i went into the bathroom to gather my thoughts. a voice told me not to take him home. that i would get raped. i have no idea why i didn't listen to that voice.
we got into the car around midnight and he asked me to buy us beer and cigarettes. i was annoyed but i did. i wanted him out of my car. i thought the only way was to obey him. we had one beer each. we kept driving and he kept touching me. i asked him where he lived and he just said he wanted to get to know me better and why don't we talk? he was all over me, so i pulled into an empty lot. i shut off the car and looked at him. i tried again to explain i had a boyfriend that i was very happy with. he said he could help me out with my financial problems if i had an affair with him. he promised he would treat me really well and that all of my needs would be met. yes, i hesitated. i got out of the car. he followed me. he put his arounds me and breathed down my neck, telling me how beautiful i was. then why did i feel so ugly? i told him no to his offer. that i loved my boyfriend and that he was turning me into a bitch/slut by making me even consider it. he pushed me into the backseat. he tried to take my clothes off and i struggled with him. we were in an empty lot at 1 am. one person walked by. i wanted to scream help until i saw he was blind. i will never forget that blind man. my only hope--someone who couldn't see my nightmare. i kept quiet.
he went on to tell me that he knew i was the type of girl who would do this, that it would be over with soon, that it was what i wanted, that i was a tease, and i didn't know what to think. i tried other things to distract him but he kept pressuring me. i gave up. he was right. it couldn't last forever, i told myself.
i finally took him home. he gets out of the car and pinches my cheek and thanks me. he says if i tell anyone he'll kill me. he slaps on the face and says "see ya 'round bitch." he walks up to his friends and laughs and points at my car.
i drive away in anger. pure anger that i have never felt before. i tell a counselor the next day who made me tell my manager. she calls the cops without asking me and i am at the police station for four hours. i don't press charges, i am told i have no chance of winning. everyone asks, why did you take him home?
my general manager never believes me, calls me a naive girl who doesn't know the ways of man. he remains employed with full benefits. i quit a month later.
i have believed it was my fault for two years. a bad one night stand i call it. but a part of me knows that's a lie. i said no. i meant no. it has taken me two years say this, to say i was assaulted, i was raped. and i can't believe i said it.
HIV Positive
I was 17 when I first moved away to start college. Things were going very well, I had a 3.6 GPA, and I was involved in a lot of Theatre. One night some people I sat with in my Political Science class asked if I wanted to go to a party. I agreed. I felt like being social. We drove far out of the Uni District, and I had no idea where we were. But we found the house, and there was a huge party. I had a few beers and mingled. The bathrooms upstairs had a line longer than rides at amusement parks, and some guy told me I could use the bathroom downstairs. I walked downstairs, and noticed a bunch of guys playing pool. I didn't think anything of it, I went to go back up stairs and one started talking to me, they made me feel really uncomfortable, and when i tried to leave, they dragged me into a bedroom just off the left of the door.
They took turns raping me for hours upon hours, and when I tried to yell for help or fight back, they'd hold me down and burn my back with cigarettes. It lasted forever, and when they were finally done, I ran upstairs and out the door, everyone was pretty much gone. The sun was up, and I started wandering aimlessly through the city streets, I finally caught a Taxi home and stiffed him for the 35 dollar cab fee.
I locked myself inside my bedroom and barely came out for weeks. I just layed in bed and stared at the ceiling. My back took forever to heal, and I was trying to avoid going to the hospital at all costs, but I knew I had to. A month and a half after the assault I went to a clinic and got tested, everything came back negative, but they told me to return after a window period so they could do an effective aids test.
It was a while after that, but nearly six months later, I found out I was HIV positive. I was shattered, I dropped out of school, whenever I get too worked up, I just move, I've moved 6 times in the last 3 years. And I finally realized, I can't run from it anymore.
I've been coping with this horrible disease for 4 years now, I have a 21'st birthday coming up, and I'm soaking up all the time I have left. It's not fair, but it happens. It could have always been worse, they could have killed me that night. And I'm thankful they didn't. At least this way I get to say my goodbyes and cut any loose ends. I spend too much of my time feeling sorry for myself, and not enough time living. I could get hit by a bus tomorrow, and I would die feeling unsatisfied, I guess I have a lot of time to make up for, and even more to be thankful for.
My family doesn't support me, but I have a select group of friends that do, and I consider them my family now, and they are all I need. They'll never know how they've touched my heart, and made me feel loved. Being loved and loving is such a vital key to life.
Anyhow, thats my story. It's who I am, and how I've come to be. Life has dealt me a bad hand, but I can still win.
