Hi. I don't want to give my name. I feel like I don't have a name.

I have 12 minutes to write this and then I need to go. Kind of wierd. I am willing to give a million hours to get an A in Biology but when it comes to my story I have 12 minutes. I feel old and tired. I read all the stories on here and I almost cried and I don't do that very much.

There is a really cute little girl walking around and I want to protect her so bad from anyone that might hurt her. She is now chewing on the computer next to me. I hope she has a good life.

I am told by my parents that my grandfather sexually abused me. I don't remember.

I do remember my uncle (not his son) raped me. My grandma watched. She blames me. It lasted from when I was 3-7. Go figure.

At Montessori my teacher would give me to a guy alot who did it too. He would beat me up alot too. He would take me to these ceremony thingies. I think. I think I remember. Maybe I am hallucinating. I don't think it was me. There was a little girl there he killed. His daughter from what I gathered. Once he had sex with this dead lady and then smeared blood on me from something he had killed and raped me. He said he had married me. He said he would come back for me someday. He said alot of things.

It is wierd to watch people's eyes when they are telling thier stories. I wonder what my eyes look like right now.

My cousin (my uncle's step-son) made me give him oral when I was 5.

I molested a little boy when I was 5 too. We were playing husband and wife and he kissed me. I gave him oral because I was scared he would hit me if I didn't. When the guy found out (the really bad one) he beat me up and sodomized me.

He did nice things too, you guys. He took me to a movie theatre. He brought me ice cream (which I later threw up after he raped me, but one must be objective). He let me play with kittens. He would take me to his house and it was really really big. I think he was really prestigious cuz he was rich and could do lots of stuff and get away with it.

Then a guy from church raped me too. The pastor knew he was a molestor and didn't do anything. Everytime I go back to church I start hallucinating and going wacko.

My parents don't know anything. I don't know anything. I don't think anyone really knows anything except for maybe...I don't know.

I believe in God. I love God. I had a lady come up to me once and tell me God told her to tell me I had Multiple Personality Disorder. I think I do. I have studied it and all. Sometimes I black out and I come to and I have cuts all over my legs and breasts and stuff in the shape of Satanic symbols. Like that star thingie in a circle. I don't really want to think about it. Every time I tell this I feel like I am lying. I don't feel guilty about telling this though. I always feel guilty when I lie and when I tell this story I feel not guilty. Like, I feel SOOOOO bad when I lie.

I started seeing and hearing things a couple years ago when I started to remember stuff. I would see what some people call demons, I guess. I would hear voices in my head telling me to go kill people and kill myself. I tried to kill myself a whole bunch of times which is really wierd cuz most of the time i just give a half-ass try and go on living. But one time I took a bottle of Tylenol, Amoxycillin, and Robitussin DM and that should have killed me but it didn't. I didn't throw up that much, so it shouldn't have not worked. I wish it had. I wish that so bad.

I always make jokes up in my head to make it easier. Like: "If one out of three girls get raped, do i count for five?" Not that funny but i laugh cuz i think it is with me.

Ok. I am a Psych major (kinda proud of myself, a 16 year old collegite, at least I can do something right) so I know how screwed up I sound. I know all the definitions and I know I need Prozac. Or maybe that all natural stuff. I don't know.

ok. To all you people who wrote on this web site: I love you! You're beautiful people, I know that sounds cliche' and i hate it when people start naming off all thier friends on a message but I don't know you so I feel I have the right. (that sounds funny) And to Tori Amos: I love your music. It inspires me. I have called lots of hotmail numbers and RAIN was the only one that did shit. They kept me from killing myself a bunch of times.

Hi. My name is Christine. I am 13 years old, and I was raped just a few months ago, on a weekend trip with my French class. Let me give you some background before I actually get into depth. My first real boyfriend was last year in 7th grade. It was a total set-up too. I was one of the most popular girls in my grade, and as a joke, I was set up with the geekiest guy ever. This tiny little, scraggly no body with me- the top of the class...

He was the shyest guy ever, and for that I dumped him. Don't think, "Now that's a stupid reason." But just listen. He never EVER told me he loved me, nor did he even TOUCH me! (Thank God!)

Another thing. I'm not one of those sluty little b*tches who goes around playing on other guys. I am a Christian- born and raised in a Pentecostal church- and it will stay that way. I have never sworn, and I haven't said God's name in vain- and I WAS a virgin...

This year, in 8th grade, I was dating a very popular guy at school. But he was totally opposite from me. For starters, he's Jewish, and so acted differently than me. He came from "the getto"- we live in an extremely wealthy town. He has a big ego and a reputation of being a player. At fourteen years of age, I didn't think he'd actually do "grown-up" stuff, so I put that "pimp" reputation behind me, and dated him...

Here goes my story:
It was the Thursday of the field trip, and we had to be at school by 7:15 am- an hour before the rest of the school would be arriving. I was eagerly anticipating the weekend away from my parents, and I didn't notice that all these guys had come up around my friends and me.

We were quizzing one another on our French vocab, when my boyfriend (let's call him Sammy) and his friends approached us. We got our seats on the bus and traveled the 8 hours into Canada. Everything that night and the next day went just as planned. I pushed the comments from Sammy and his friends’ aside and made myself enjoy the weekend.

In the back of my mind was a little lightbulb, telling me and warning me to be cautious around the guys, but I pushed those aside as well. How very careless I was. Being the little miss, "give me romance" that I was, I actually liked the fact that they were ALL touching me. Soon it got way out of hand.

On the last night of the trip, we took an over night cruise along a river and danced the night away. I left the dinner table to go to the bathroom, and I felt like someone was following me. I casually glanced around but I saw no one familiar, nor anyone who looked like they were up to something.

Then, right as my hand reached to push the bathroom door open, a hand covered my mouth and I was brought into an empty hallway. My eyes wildly flashed around, terrified of what was going to happen. I gasped as a knife was held to my throat, and a voice like Satan pierced the silent air.

"If you make one move, you’re dead."

The voice did not sound French at all, and I wondered if it was a classmate playing a trick. But incase it wasn’t I didn’t move. I was shoved into a dark and cold room, my mouth still covered, a knife still up to my throat- my life still on the line. "Now, you’re going to do exactly what I tell you, and you won’t give me any trouble- got it?" The voice whispered. I was frozen. My stomach was flip-flopping, my heart was pounding so hard you could hear it out loud.

It was pitch black in the room, but when my eyes adjusted to the darkness, I saw it was a bedroom. The unfamiliar person led me to the bed and pushed me onto it. I knew what was coming now. I was going to loose my virginity for sure- in the worst way. I was going to be raped. I had heard of women getting raped before. Though I hadn’t experienced it, I knew it would be next to impossible to get out.

The next thing I know, my hands are being tied together behind my back, my arms literally being ripped out of my sockets. I started to cry as silently as I could. I told him I was a virgin, and that he was hurting me. He just laughed and told me the worst was yet to come, and to sit tight, and he started laughing that horrible, devilish laugh.

He lifted up my shirt and undid my bra. As he sucked my nipples, he took my shirt off all the way. I was topless now, and kicking madly, mostly aiming for his "sensitive spot". He yelled at me, and punched me in the stomach, and slapped my face. I stopped kicking. He unzipped my skirt, and slowly took my panties and slid them down my legs until they dropped to the floor. I could hear him undressing himself and soon I felt his body on mine. His lips on mine. The stench of beer and some drug filled my mouth as he jammed his tongue down my throat. I bit it, and he slapped me, and spat in my face.

He got off me and I though it was over, but no. He took me legs and bent them upward as if I was about to do sit-ups. He tied my ankles together and them he spread my legs apart. Suddenly he forced himself into me. In and out, in and out. The pain was so intense! It felt like getting cramps but 100 times worse! I wanted to die. My insides were practically being ripped apart, and I could feel the blood oozing out. I wanted to scream but I couldn’t. Instead I squirmed around and struggled to get free. He punched me again.

He finally took himself out of me, but the pain engulfed my whole body. It hurt too much just to move me head. I just lay there, until I saw him hovering over me. He was still naked, and he said, "You have to lick my penis until it’s clean. It’s only your blood, it’ll be replenished this way!" and without giving me a chance to speak, he pried my mouth open, and stuck it in. moving it in and out. The taste of blood filled my mouth and I felt sick. He stopped and walked away, and threw a blanket around me. I violently threw up all over the bed, and blanked out.

When I woke up, I was in the same position I was before I blanked out. I was totally naked, but the blanket was still around me. Sammy and two of his friends were in the room. When Sammy’s friend saw me awake, he said, "If you tell anyone what happened last night, I’ll spread the nastiest rumors about you, and I’ll do it to all your friends- put them through all that pain."

Well I knew who raped me! I looked at myself dried blood covered my body, and I threw up once more. They left me alone for a while. I climbed into the shower, and scrubbed myself in scalding hot water. When I finally came out, I got dressed and left. I cried when I got to my room on the cruise ship. When anyone asked where I was, I told them I had gotten my period and gotten really sick, and fell asleep in an empty room.

By some graceful miracle of God, I didn’t become pregnant, nothing was ripped or ruined inside my body, and I am proud to say that I am no longer dating that PIMP!!!

This is probably the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I can't even make it through the first page of the accounts, just reading them brings back so much. But, I need to right this, I have to. For myself.

I'm almost 20 now, just a month away from my birthday. I'm a nursing student. I'm not a very sexual person. Strike that - I'm not sexual at all. I don't masturbate, don't watch porn unless as a joke, and even then I avert my eyes. I read romance novels and skip the sex. Until six months ago I could not even say the word penis. I thought myself to be a virgin - I prized this information. I have always been so proud that held out for so long. I wanted to be with someone I loved the first time. I thought I had never been kissed. I thought I was perfect - the perfect roommate, wonderful friends, the perfect major. Perfect.

When I was 15, I partied way too much. I drank too much, did too many drugs. Life during that time is a big haze that I still can't piece together.

When I was 15, I swore off all drugs but alcohol because, as I remembered it, I was attacked at a party, but was not raped. As I remember it, the close call as well as counseling helped to pull me back to reality. A week ago tonight I had a dream, a long flashback I guess. I finally remembered all of what happened that night. I didn't make it out of the room like I thought I had. How could I have forgotten? All week I have asked myself this over and over again.

I was asleep in a bedroom that is not familiar. I don't even know where I was, I didn't know then. I woke up when he came in. He slapped me and hit me, and told me he was going to fuck me. Here is where my previous memories ended with me fighting him off and leaving. But, I know now that there was more.

He put his hands around my neck and made me perform oral sex on him. I had never even seen a penis (shudder) before. I couldn't move, I just let him move my head the way he wanted me to. Then, he pushed down my jeans and pushed down his and God I can still smell him on me. Coolwater and Beer. It took all of maybe five minutes. He taunted me for not coming, and touched me and touched me and I couldn't fight it. It was the most painful thing I have ever experienced. Then he said it wasn't rape if I got off. It wasn't getting off, though. It wasn't pleasure, it pain and hell and it still makes me feel dirty. I started to scream and he pushed his mouth down on mine and put his hands around my neck again, harder than before. When I stopped he hit me, then left. I cried and fell asleep. I don't remember who he was or what he looked like. Somehow I made it home. This is still blurry. I remember a car and seeing my house and going inside.

I've had nightmares every night since I came home from spring break. I told a dear friend on Friday, before I came home. I mentioned not being able to sleep (avoiding more nightmares), and he asked why. He's one of the few men I have ever felt safe with. I felt safe to tell him. He held me and then took me to the school's counseling center to make an appointment. My first therapy session is in two days. Thank you for the opportunity to be able to write this down. Thank God for this site and for Tori's music, which has carried me through life since I was 15. I didn't realize what the connection was until now.

Thanks for letting me share.

Chloe
AIM: chloe_greene

I am too tired now to continue,but if you want to email me,I would welcome your voices.

Phoenix Artemis
AIM: Phoenix Artemis