Hi I'm going to call myself Jenny. I got raped December 20,2000. I'm 17 and I don't know what to do.This happend recently so I really don't know how to talk about it. I was going out with this guy form March until May. We broke but he still kept calling. Well over the summer he moved but he'll still call I would tell him to stop callin, then he'll started actin like a baby and be like ohh I can't beleive you are throwing our friendship away like that.He'll make feel bad and I'll stay talkin 2 him. On december he came down here for christams vacation. on december 20 I came out of school and he was waitin for me at the train station i didn't think nothing of it so i stayed there talkin 2 him. It was cold and he was like lets go 2 my friends house. So I went everything was fine until we went upstairs to the attick. These guys r into grafitti and they tagged up over the attick wall thats y we went upstairs 2 c. when we got up there he started kissin me and touchin me. I was like no no no stop. It was like he was deafth and he couldn't hear me. I tried to fight him off but he was 2 strong. He got my pants down but i still had my panties on he started fingering me. Then he put it in me. I coudln't believe this was happening to me. How could a guy that told me he loved me do this 2 me. I started cryin. He would look at me and see me cryin and he wouldn't stop.I begged him 2 stop but he wouldn't lissen. He'll just tell me 2 relax. I tried 2 get up but he had me pinned down. I started shakin violently. I was soo scared. When he finished he started screamin at me tellin "wat the fuck is wrong with me y I'm I actin like that y r u shakin" I just sat there lookin at the floor cryin when i got up 2 leave he kissed me good bye like nothin happened. When i got home i took a long shower. I called my friend and told her wat happened. She started cryin with me and she kept tellin me it wasn't my fault. But if i would of takin th! e bus home this would've never happend. since that day i feel like my life is over, I don't go out no more i stopped talkin to a lot of people. My freinds notice the change in me they all have tried to talk to me but i just shut them out. I havn't told my family and i'm not planing to. He hasn't called me since then. I feel worthless. i feel dirty. Hopefully with time this would get better but i doubt it. Thank u 4 gvin me a chance to tell my story.

Jenny

My story. A story you haven’t heard before

If my father ever read this, he’d give up on me.

What happened to me doesn’t fit the legal definition of rape. Fuck the legal definition. I’m supposed to be all right. I’m male, and we’re supposed to enjoy it. No matter what she does, we’re supposed to enjoy it. I was, I’m still a baby. Part of me will never completely grow up. She owns that part of me, and I’m sure she’s already forgotten. As far as I know, she doesn’t know, has never understood what she did. There's a half grown kid out there with my name, and he's orphaned, and I want to show him the rest of me. I want to show him all of the things that she's made him forget.

I was eighteen. I was supposed to me a man then, able to make my own decisions. I was supposed to be able to make my own decisions. The room was dark. The TV was on. She wanted it, and I couldn’t say no. I wasn’t allowed to stay no. I was shaking. I started crying. I don’t think she realized. She held me down, and took everything that I was supposed to be worth.

I’m a study in probability. I’ve always beaten the odds. I always fell into that last impossible ten percent, in everything. I wanted a wife, a family. I wanted to be happy. To be romantic. I was never the kind to date a girl to see what I could get. I never got to see a girl before her anyway. Many people give up on God when it happens, and ask how He could allow such things to happen. When it happened I was a pagan. I was supposed to worship this person. She was older, wiser than I was. She was supposed to be the picture of perfection. Women were supposed to be perfect and pure. It was my religion.

I understand women in Iran. I had no right to say no. It was not my place. She didn’t want to be my wife. She didn’t want to have a family with me. She wanted to breed me. My genetics were good, and she chose me. I wanted to say no so badly. I couldn’t at first. I couldn’t until it was too late. She told me I'd be all right. She told me it was suppoed to be my fantasy. She has taught me to hate horses. Horses are not fast enough to escape. Horses are not strong enough to escape. Horses can be mastered. Horses can be taken. Horses can be bred. She loves horses.

It was my own fault. I shouldn’t have trusted her. I shouldn’t have worshipped her. I had no right.

I went far away. I was running. I was thinking about cars, and motorcycles, and racing. My mind kept getting farther away. It walked away from me, and I needed help. I needed to get out. Couldn't she hear me crying? Couldn't she tell something was wrong. I thought I was screaming for her to stop. Was it in my head?

I woke up the next morning in a daze. I was in my own bed. I didn’t exactly remember how I got home. I was shaking all day. When people asked what was wrong, I told them I had a vitamin deficiency. Is Love a vitamin? She found me on campus, between classes, and asked me if I wanted to go to Florida with her. "No," I thought. "I want you to go away." I didn’t say anything. She just kept talking about Florida. She told me she had to take care of the horses. She took me to my Jeep, and we went to take care of the horses. I went back. I wasn’t allowed to say no. It was against my religion, and everything that society said was normal and right. I wasn’t allowed to say no, especially now. I was worthless. I was a whore. I was a breeding stud. I wasn’t allowed to say no. My master made the choice. I went back.

I was sitting on the couch. It wasn’t her house. She still lived with her mother. She was housesitting. She asked me if I was okay, and I told her I wasn’t. She told me she would make me feel better. I started to cry. I finally said no. I know that I said no. She said it would feel good. I went back.

I tried to heal myself with therapy. I hate psychologists. She was a psychologist, so I undertook my own therapy. I wanted to find love. A girl came down from Canada. She was my best friend’s girl. They had a falling out. I slept with her. I wanted to, but I felt the same afterward. She slept with my fiend again after that. She told me to come visit her when she went back.

I tried to heal myself with therapy. I got a girlfriend. She said she loved me. She would have sex with me to show my love. It was supposed to be perfect. It was supposed to be romantic. I wanted it to be perfect. I wanted it to be romantic. I had to make it perfect, like it wasn’t before. I took control (I broke my own rules) she said no, and it continued. It was only a few more seconds. I denied what I had become. I had been changed by my master. I was tainted. I had done what she had done. I hated myself. My girlfriend forgave me. God bless her. She cheated on me. I forgave her. She cheated on me. I forgave her. She cheated on me. I forgave her. She cheated on me, and I forgave her. She cheated on me, and I forgave her. She cheated on me. I asked her to move out. I forgave her. I begged her to come back. She stayed away. God Bless her. I'm sorry.

I went back to my master for a week.

I was alone for a few months.

I tried to heal myself with therapy. I met a new girl, and started going to Church. I fell in love with her. I told her what had happened. She told me it was my fault, and she was right. She told me that God would heal me, and she was right. I worshipped her. I fell in love with her. I took her virginity. It was sweet. It was right. I was in love, and was going to be married. I gave up on having children. She didn’t want children. She thought it was a sin to bring children into this world. She was right, and I worshipped her. She told me that I taught her to love again. She told me that I had taught her to love God again. She told me that I had demons. She told me that Tori gave me demons. I told her that Tori helped me scream. Tori helped my voice. She told me that Tori gave me demons. She said I was keeping her from God. She told me that Tori was keeping her from God. Me and Charles Manson like the same ice cream. She left me. She’s now dating her Youth Pastor. I have a strong suspicion that she was raped by her father. Survivors can smell it. We can smell the taint on each other’s bodies. They leave something. It takes years to wash it clean. I was not going to be married. I had a relapse. Everything was a trigger.

I’m alone again now. All I have is God. God listens, and He understands. God knows what happened. He’s the only one who hasn’t forgotten. I don’t have demons. I have pain. There’s a difference. I want to start collecting my tears in little bottles. I’m afraid that if this continues much longer, there won’t be any left. There won’t be any tears left for the day I get married. There won’t be any tears left for the day my daughter is born. There won’t be any tears left when my parents die. There won’t be any tears left for me. There will be no tears when I die, just great joy. I can trust God. After I’m gone, I won’t have to worry anymore. God won’t let it happen in heaven. I only have a few years left to carry this. I wish someone had the courage to help me with this.

Love,
*fear. I’m still so ashamed. I can’t sign. What if she reads this?*
Tenchi - heaven and earth, which is another way of staying anonymous.

An afterthought. I wrote this as I thought it, as I remembered it. It wasn’t really my fault, at least not completely. I believe in my head that rape is never the victim’s fault. It’s convincing my heart that’s the problem. - C.W.

I was recently a victim of a violent crime which brought to light my repressed memories of having been abused. After the violent crime, I fell into a deep depression. I felt as if was no longer in control of my feelings and became painfully aware of my self hate. My Biological Father had sexually abused me from a very young age although I had blocked this out completely! He had done unspeakable things to me and that I could begin to remember starting at age 5. The only thing I really desired from him was his love and acceptance. Now, I can even remember his words that would control me. He had to beat me down and keep me there so that he could control my actions and thoughts. He would ignore me so that I was hungry for attention and only show me sexual attention. This destroyed my sense of self and made me very needy emotionally throughout my life. My family life was very abusive both physically and emotionally as I lived with my Step-Dad and Mother. I was searching for someone to accept me and care for me deeply. Over time a pattern of self destructive behavior began to surface. I became a "people pleaser" and addicted to relationships. The deep seeded feeling of rejection and hurt was never properly identified until my memory of what I had been through had surfaced. I will never forgive him for what he has done to me as he takes no responsibility for his actions and has no respect for me! He appears to be a well dressed, handsome business man with a great personality but underneath this lives a MONSTER!! If he did this to his own daughter he will do it to another child!! Mothers beware!!

Lisa G.

heres my story,I am 24 years odl I never thought that I would ever get raped its still hard to say the word.I was very in love with my boyfriend I completely trusted him.We were having some problems and arguing.Oneday I called him to come home and spend some time together, he said he was on his way.When he came home we talked a minute he tried to touch me and like any woman being mad at him I wouldnt let him.He told me he had just raped some girl he was hanging around then he said he was going to rape me. I laughed at himand said why was he lieing.He said he was leaving I didnt want him to go so I stood in front of the door.He hit me and I fell.At the time I was 7 months pregnant with his baby,he started kicking and stomping my stomach,When he kicked me in my head I kind of blacked out I wasnt unconcious but I couldnt see,I felt him dragging me toward the kitchen by my hair when he stopped pulling me I thought it was over I couldnt get up so I turned around and started crawling toward the bathroom I could see him behind me but he had took his shirt off.I felt him grab my legs he pulled me to him and turned me over,he started saying things like is this what you want he was pulling my pants off when Iwouldnt let them go he hit me in the face I let go then.I was cring histericaly and put my hands over my face,I felt him put his whole hand in me, then he started to have sex with. I guess he was through with that so he dragged me in the room and made me get on the bed,when I wouldnt give him oral sex he did it anal and bit my face the whole time. When that was over he finished in my vagina.When it was over I was ashamed confused and in disbalief I totally trusted him how could he do this to me. The worst part is I had to call him to take me to my prenatal appointment.When he picked me up I askrd why didhe do it and he said did what .Ever since that day I have kept all my feelings of it inside,we have never spoke about it.Unfortunately I am forced to still be with this man and we are getting married in six weeks.

I don't hink a lot of people would call it rape. I was young...too young to know better. He said the right things and acted the right way. I was so tired of fighting it off and pushing away.

They say the devil isn't obvious. He creeps into your life and steals you slowly away from the things you love.

After that night on the living room floor, I had to stay with him. Otherwise it would have been rape, right? I now know it was rape either way. Staying with him, I allowed it to happen over and over until I wasn't alive anymore.

The slow death of who I had been. I miss that girl. She knew things that I can't remember now. She knew about flowers and parties with chips and soda instead of cigarettes and whiskey.

The woman who owns her body now covers herself with baggy clothes and a layer of fat to repel any would be relationship. She crawling back from the near death of five years ago from inside her own skin.

Someday I know part of that girl will emerge and remind me, the woman, of the park I loved walking in at night, absorbing the moonlight alone. The park this woman can't even bring herslf to wander near in the day.

It gets easier to live with as time goes on. I'm sorry I couldn't warn every one that the devil was walking among us. I'm just not strong enough.

Sarah

This is my story I was 15, I am now 18 talking about it. I was at my friends house for her b-day party and some attractive guys walked up so being the outspoken girl I was I went to talk to them, we started drinking and were hitting it off. He asked if I would walk to get his car with his friend (since they had to park so far away)and they would drop me back off at my friends.So stumbling down her driveway I walked away with them and waived goodbye t oall my freinds. They started driving and it was about 15 min before I realized that they werent taking me back to her house, I asked and they said we had to stop at their apt. to get her b-day present so I agreed to go. We got up to thier apt. and they closed and locked the door, that is when I knew something was wrong. He said that they would take me home after I give him head, I didn't really want to but all I wanted was to go back.I agreed to give them both head. after I did I thought it was over and got up to go to the door, but he grabbed me and threw me to the floor. He asked where I thought I was going and I started to cry. He keept asking if I wanted to have sex and over and over again I said no I am a virgin.His friend covered my mouth and held me down, while he me after he was done he ejacluted on my stomach. Then his friend said its my turn, he started doing the same but while he was doing it he said"you asked for it..this is your fault" and when he ejaculated he did inside of me and then spit in my face. I managed to say take me home please, he started choking me I thought I was going to die.Hi licked my lip where it was bleeding and said "I sure like the ones who bleed" then rolled my clothes in a ball and said I was going back(time 6) i sat outside and cried till about about 8 then went inside and called my freind, he came and got me and said you have to go to the hospital I didnt want to but I went and didnt give a name.I had a internal bleeding, a broken lip, and 20 counted bruises. But the worst injury I had was what I didnt have anymore, and that was a sense of being innocent and strong. I never told my parents and I have heard that they Have raped 8 others and still aren't im trouble for any of it. I went to the police last year to tell them that this happened and they said it was to late. But I know that god judges all people in the end and he has tally's on them.

Mel

I have been reading your site for a week after I found it a short time ago. I read it and read it and couldn't find anything like what happened to me. In a way, it was worse, the fear was awful. In a way, it was not as bad because it didn't involve a loss of trust. It was simply an ugly horrible terrifying experience which I am surviving. However, the nightmares and the sudden thoughts still occur even though it has been almost two years. I was 17 at the time.

This is my story. My sister, who was 19 at the time, my mother, and I had just returned from a shopping trip at the mall. When we got into the house a man armed with a gun was already inside. We found out later, when they caught him, (He went to prison for a loooonnnggg time!!!) that he was planning to rob the house and nothing more. Unfortunately, our arrival changed his plans.

I can't talk about the details. I am trembling just writing this. To be brief, he forced my mother to undress me by threatening to kill my sister. I was sure he was serious. Then he made my sister take her clothes off. He took my mother's clothes off himself. After we were naked, he used all three of us right in front of each other. It was me he chose to rape however. I was a virgin at that point. Before anything happened, he asked me and my sister if we had ever had sex. I said no and my sister said yes. I think that is why he chose me. I don't know and he never did say. But, whatever the reason, I was raped while my mother and sister watched. He made my sister perform oral sex on him first and made my mother make him hard before he raped me. As soon as my mother had my clothes off, he told me that, when he was done with everyone else, he was going to f___ me. It was so scary watching what was happening to my mother and my sister knowing what he was going to do to me. He made me get on my hands and knees and told me to look into my mother's eyes while he did it. It hurt so bad and I still remember how his one hand was all over me while he held the gun to the back of my head with the other. I thought he was going to kill me. But, after he was done, he simply left. He just walked out the door.

Obviously, we reported what happened to the police. It was so embarrassing. But my mother was so strong and supportive. She was simply the best. The awful part, though, is that this crime became a public event. Everyone knew what hapened. They didn't know the details but they guessed what happened to me.

Things are better now. I am in college and haven't told anyone about it. It feels good not to have to always think someone is talking about me or imagining what happened to me. I haven't even told my roommate and never will.

I appreciate the chance to tell my story anonymously. I don't know how often something like this happens. I suspect it isn't often. But this site is wonderful. While no one else seems to have gone through exactly what we went through, I know I am not alone. Others have been through their own awful experience. There are other young women who have been attacked. That is, somehow, comforting.

My name is Becca. I live in a nice, suburban, quiet, big city in Kansas. In December of '99, I was 14 years old. I was walking home from school, and there was this guy who honked at me when I was walking in my neighborhood. He came towards me in his car when I was walking. And he talked to me, I really didn't like him though, but I was being nice. His name was Dave, and he was 18 years old. He gave me a ride up the street to my house because my lgs were hurting me. He asked for my number and I gave it to him. The next day, he came by my house, no one was home so I couldn't get rid of him. I went with him with the bank. Nothing happened. 2 days later, he came by my house again after school. I went with him to the bank again, I thought he was a nice guy, after the bank, he came into my house, and we were in my room. He pulled me towards him and he started to kiss me, but I didn't kiss back. Then he layed me on my bed, and he took my shirt and bra off, I was telling him no and to stop. But, of course he didn't. Then he was on top of me, and he put his hand down my pants and underwear. I was trying to pull his hand out of there and pull him off of me, then I finally pushed him away, and I told him to leave, so he did. After that I was crying, I didn't tell my parents, but I told my closest friends. A month later, I was walking home with my friend, and I saw him talking to a girl in my class. The next day, I talked to the girl who he was talking to, I said," Hey, stay away from that guy, he's not a good person." And she said, "Oh, I know he tried to rape me too." When I heard her say that, my friend and I went to the principal's office. I told 2 of the principables and the school cop, and they had to call my mom down, so she found out. In April, I went to the courthouse and told some lawyers what happened. After that, I was scared because he knows where I go to school, where I live, and he knows my phone number, but nothing happened, now I am probably going to testify against him, and I hope he goes to jail! I am really offensive against males who do anything to women! That's my story. Thank you for reading. And anyone can talk to me if you want, and I am always here if you want to talk.

Becca

I always feel like I have an extremely long and complex story when it comes to this topic, so I'll keep it short.

My family was pretty close to my father's cousin when I was little. we used to go with his family on picnics, ec. I loved him very much and thought of him as kind of a second father. When I was five or six, he started molesting and raping me on a pretty regular basis. He was very cruel and sometimes violent ( I still have some scars from where he cut me), but then when we were with other people, he was very sweet and giving. Eventually, his mother (who he was still living with at 35) was put into a nursing home, and he moved away when I was about 10. I remember very little about this time, other than I cried a lot by myself, and took extremely hot and long showers. I would purposely burn myself. I can't believe my parents didn't suspect anything- I think they were afraid to acknowledge the truth about their little girl. Well, then when I was 12 or so, I had a paper route and it's a really long, complicated story, but one of the people along this route molested me. I really just recall being scared shitless because I knew he was in a gang and he threatened me a lot.

When I was 17, I was molested by a doctor during what was supposed to be just and office visit to get some medication for allergies. He had me lie down on the table to check my breathing, and before I knew it, he had his hands under my bra and panties. Well, you get the point. There is so much to tell, but I'm sure it would be interesting only to me. I've spent a lot of time over the past few years working on my nightmares, eating disorders, and depression. I think I'm really getting better. I used to feel horrid every single day- now it's only once a week or so. I take great comfort in the fact that my second cousin is now dead (that may sound cruel, but I was always so afraid he'd come back into my life somehow), and I've moved so far away I know I'll never see the other two again. I still haven't found the stregnth to tell my family, but I'm not sure it would do any good. Well, that's about it. Thanks for the opportunity to write down my feelings. Ripplebacktome is fantastic!

Elaine