I'm not really sure why I'm doing this. I guess its time to try to deal with this in some way. When I was 12 I had a crush on an older boy I met in a parking lot down the street from my house. We talked on the phone for a couple nights. One day he asked me to go to his apartment. I walked to his apartment the whole way hoping that I'd finally be kissed. I thought he was my boyfriend just because I liked him. When I got to the apartment there were 2 other guys there. Terrance asked me to go back to his room with him. I went back there hoping that we were going to finally kiss. He kissed me and touched me and I screamed. I remember the smells, sounds, the carpet, the sound of his friends rushing in. I thought they were coming to help me. But they all held me down and hurt me. I remember begging god to forgive me, pleading with him to let me go and promising to be a better daughter to him and my parents. I knew he was punishing me. I remembering begging him to let me die, just let me die, why are the men splitting me in two, what have I done. Nothing made sense again. I didn't understand what or why or how. I didn't even really know what sex was. I remember them leaving me there laying in the middle of the floor, bleeding not knowing what to do. I could hear them laughing in another room, but I was frozen. I hated myself, god, my parents, my friends everything. I didn't try to fight back, I yelled until I realized that wasn't helping. And I was raised thinking that god would help me when I needed him. He didn't, no one did. And when I got home, nothing. I walked home and when I passed my mom in the kitchen, not a word. I didn't know what to say but i hated her for not seeing me, knowing what happened, fixing it. I told some friends, but still to this day I don't think they believed me. I don't think anyone truly does, or they just don't get it. I let Terrance and his friend use me from that moment on through high school. whatever they said I did, I remained 12 yrs old inside. I finally got away in college, but a few years passed and I ran into one of the other men, John. He happened again, and I regressed. It was like I was 12 again. Finally I got some help with the pressure from my cousin & boyfriend. He went ot jail for a minute for battery but was back out in no time. I have always blocked everything out and tried not to deal with it. I DON'T want it to be real. I DON'T want this to be my life. I just pretend it didn't happen and sometimes I fool myself. But John recently killed himself. And now I'm struggling all over. My life was going SO well. I have a wonderful boyfriend who I plan on spending my life with, a great job, my parents and I are so close now and then I get this news and I'm so scared. I don't want to start over again. How do I deal with this without ruining my life, my rape-free life. The life I created the life I CHOSE! How do people face this stuff? I feel guilty for the relief I felt when I heard of John's death. I'm catholic, how can I feel relief at someones suicide. I should feel for him, his family. What's wrong with me. I don't know if this is what I should have written. I'm new to all of this. But even if this was wrong and I never hear from anyone. For the first time in a long time I feel better. I don't know why but spilling it all out helped in some way. But give me ten minutes & I'll be trying to figure out how to forget it all again and hate myself for thinking about it at all.

But at any rate...thanks for your listening.

Jenny



When I was in 6th grade, my parents separted, i was hurt and confused about it. My mom still lived with my dad at first and I didn't understand. That year I moved schools, my grandma died, I got my period and basicly my life started to suck.

When I was a freshman in high school I thought my life was going ok. I meet a guy, my first boyfriend. I didn't date him long before he started saying stuff about sex. I definittly wasnt ready for that, when I told him that it seemed ok. I remember he gave me my first kiss, I didn't really know what to think. About two weeks into dating him is when the subject first came up, he told me he loved me, I didn't understand how you could date someone for that long and say I love you to them, although being stupid I said it back. About a month into the relationship he started acting weird, really mean at times, than nice. I am engaged right now to the most wonderful man in the world, but I still haven't really said alot of things about my relationship with my ex. He used to tell me I was ugly, that I was fat. To this day I struggle so much with feeling that way. The night I broke up with him was the best thing that I did, we were sitting on his couch down in the basement, his parents weren''t home. The movie we were watching was some Vampire movie that I really didnt want to watch but he did so we ended up watching it. I never argued with him, if I did I wouldn't like the results. He started to kiss me , I kissed back. He started to touch my breasts and I told him to stop. He told me I was uptight to relax. He lended on me so I couldnt get up, and told me sometime like I wanted him and he knew it. I remember starting to cry, about 5 mintures into what was happining, his parents came home and I got out before anything happened. That night I called him and told him it was over.

After that relationship I didnt want to be involved at all with anyone. My sophmore year my mom started "dating" a guy named John. I hated it, I didn't want my mom to do anything with other guys other than my dad. All that year I got used to him and it was ok. He moved in with my mom and I , than we moved into his house when they were "together". I thought we was cool, that makes me feel like I asked for what he did. Towards the end of my junior year things started to change with him, and I felt wierd around him, he made me feel uncomfortable around him. He would come in my room before I went to bed at night to "tuck me in" my mom never even did that anymore, I was 17. He didn't do anything just said things like I was growing up and asked me if I had a boyfriend or about going all the way with a guy. All I did was laugh it off, but it made me feel weird, he would tuck me in and tap the top of the blanket, which made me feel even more uncomfortable. About a month of this went on and I didn't say anything to anyone, I didnt think that it was important or whoever I told would think I was over reacting to stuff. Than one night he came into my room in the middle of night, in his boxers with no shirt. I thought it was odd that he was in my room with only boxers and no shirt. I didn't really say anything at first , he knelled down beside my bed and said things like he had over the past month, that I was growing up and things like that. I pulled my blanket up over him more and asked what he wanted. He stood up and pulled his boxers off. I didnt know how to react I was scared. I told him to get our of my room, I didnt scream though, why didnt I scream? what if i did scream? it wouldnt have happened, its my fault. He got on my bed , lieing on his side, he touched me up my shirt while i had my arms and hands out in front of my trying to push him away. I remember feeling him over my sheets, and i was so scared , scarer than id ever been in my life. He pushed my sheets and blankets down off me. He pushed on my stomach and on my chin, making it so he could tgetg my underwear off. He I remember starting to cry and him hovering over me. He did that for what seemed like forever, it was like he wanted to see my cry and beg him to stop. I tried pushing him off me, but i didnt scream , Its my fault I didnt scream, I had my arms in front of myself ymy shirt was pushed up and i felt so naked and i was so scared of what was going on. I didnt know what to do, i cried begged him to stop, said no. He pushed my arms away from my chest and layed on my, grabing my legs and pushing them up so i couldnt try to stop him from going in me by closing my legs. I remember how it felt , how i grabed my sheets and how I hated the way it felt, i felt so violated, so dirty. I hit my head on the wall when he did it. I remember him breathing over me , on my face, my neck, my ear I hot his breath was, him kissing me, me crying, I looked at the wall untill it was over. I was bleeding and scared, he told me to keep my mouth shut, to stay quiet. I didnt tell. He said it was my fault because I wasnt able to stop him.

I think its my fault, I must do something, first it was my ex who tried to do something, than it was John who raped me. I met the man im engaged a day or two later , he saved me. I am so scared of telling him everything about what happened. What he will think if I tell him about my ex or about everything I feel. I feel like I talk about my feelings too much and that I should be over it by now. I have so many feeings and I dont know what to do. I really love the man I am going to marry and I dont want anything to make him stop loving me.

"Ashleigh"



WHY DID YOU DO THAT, WHY ME, WHY?

Its now been close to three months ago, and I still can feel it like it was just yesterday, I don't really like the fact that I am writing this to the public, but I think its for my own good to talk about it and let other girls and boys know that there are some sick people out there and their usually the ones that seem so sweet and innocent.

Here's some background information about me. I am 15 about to turn 16 in March, I have had sex 1 time before this incidence with a boy that I have always liked ever since I was in 6th grade, and to this day we still are friends.

I am in the 10th grade, at the beginning of this year there was a few new people to my school, there was this new kid that was in 12th grade 18 yr. of age, very big, fat, football player, and had already came from 2 other schools in this same school district, not too many people knew him and the ones that did was friends with me so I decided that if my friends talk to him then he seems like a nice person to introduce my self to and maybe even we could become friends.

So in school we would always stop and talk to each other, he would tell me stuff about him that not too many people knew about, I felt honored that he would come to me about stuff before anyone else, it kinda made me feel special, he would tell me how his dad use to abuse him and his sister when they were younger and his mom and them moved away from them and his mom didn't have enough room for him and his sister to stay with her so, she furnished an apartment for them two to stay in, he would tell me how he hated living with his sister cause she was such a slob and she brought home guys all the time, I felt sorry for him and nobody else knew except for me so I opened myself out to him, I told him that if he ever needed anybody that I would always be there for him.

Finally around October he moved in with my next door neighbor which was at the time one of my best guy friends that I had ever had he was like my brother to me, he knew everything about me there was to know. Now that both of my good guy friends were right across the street from me, they both came over a lot we all hung out together including my brother, he knew everybody in my family, my mom trusted me with him, my brother kinda was okay with him (he just hates it when guys are around me a lot). I thought of him as a really good friend, we would start going to party's together and leave early together and just ride around talking like we always did, we didn't messed around although I am sure that is what people were thinking, but how could they when he was going out with my best friend- that's crazy! And just look at him, who would want to do anything with him.

The more we hung out together the more he started asking me questions that made me wonder why he was asking them to me I felt uncomfortable telling him stuff but I just thought that it was just bringing our friendship even more closer, "have you ever had sex before?" "Do you like having pleasure?" "If someone was to do something really bad to you, would you ever tell on him/her?" "Do you do oral jobs?" So many more questions like that he asked me, some of them I answered and some I didn't. I asked him similar questions back since he had asked me all those personal questions
"Why did you come to this school?"
A: because I messed around with so many boys girlfriends and the guys were after me
"How many girls have you messed with?"
A: 14 of them I slept with, 3 of the 14 actually meant a little something to me and I cant even count how many little things i have done with them
"You slept with 14 girls?"
A: yeah but its not what you think, they just tell me That they want to have sex with me and I can't turn Them down, please don't tell anyone I don't want it getting out, please I trust you

14 girls that number stuck in my head ever since the first time he told me that, 14, how can somebody sleep with 14 girls? And only 3 of them meant a little something to him. From that day and on I had always had this feeling in the back of my mind there's something that isn't right about him, but I just stuck it in the back of my mind thinking that he's just different, he's nice, polite, knows how to treat a lady, obviously since he's slept with 14 girls, but like I said stupid me just ignored it, everybody has their flaws.

One Friday night after one of our football games all of us went to the fair, the football players (including him), the cheerleaders, dancers and the rest of us all went "anybody who anybody went to the fair". That night close to closing time my brother was taking home a bunch of these other girls that didn’t have a ride home. So he asked if he could take me home, I kinda felt weird and knew that I shouldn’t but I said okay, lucky enough I got home and nothing happened I was being paranoid for nothing.

The night after that my brother and my next door neighbor went to go and pick up this other friend of ours and bring him back to our house and we would all have a barn fire out back, well I was stuck there at the house bored to death and I wanted to get out, so he was stuck at my next door neighbor's to and decided to call me and see what I was doing and wanted to know if I wanted to go out to eat with him, I still felt like I shouldn't but I felt like that the last night and nothing happened, so I begged my mom to let me go she finally said yes, we went out to eat and afterwards he said he needed to stop by his sisters apartment to see if she was there or not- why I do not know-I do now though, but stupid me I was like okay, sure its fine with me, we went to her apartment and she was there and he went inside to talk to her, I stayed out in his truck I was scared of her I had heard so many story's about how crazy she was,

Finally after about 5 minutes he came out there with here baby in his arms and told me that we had to take her to the babysitters house cause his sister was going out that night. I didn't care I thought it was cute that he would do that for his sister, after we dropped off the baby we headed home. Right before we got off the interstate to our house he said that he had to show me a trail by the school that him and the football players had made with his truck cause he has a really big truck, it was still early and my brother and them wouldn't be back for at least another hour or so, so I said yeah I would like to see it.

We got there and he pulled up in the trail and went through it about half way, he parked it and turned the engine of, I felt weird something was up and I knew it then, and I knew that something was going to happen but I just put it in the back of my head, as I looked out the window I realized that there are bush surrounding us all over big tall thick wooded bushes, so that nobody could see us, I just told myself that he likes it where people couldn't come up and bother us as we were talking.

We sat there talking for about 5 minutes and it got quiet for about two minutes, we both just sat there, I was looking out the window it was a beautiful night, the stars were out and they were so pretty, but something startling came across me, it didn't feel right, something was wrong, the sky no long looked beautiful, I couldn’t barely see the stars anymore, and right then he got on top of me kissing me all over, grabbing my breasts, grabbing me in places I didn't want him grabbing me at, I immediately has telling him "NO, PLEASE STOP, I DON’T WANT TO DO THIS, GET OFF ME, STOP NO, I SAID NO" I repeated those words over and over to him as I was trying to push him off me, he wouldn’t budge, he wouldn’t stop. I was scared then, that was frightening to me, I just froze I couldn’t move, I am pushing him off me why wont me get off me, I am telling him no, I am telling him to stop, why wont he listen to me, why wont he stop? He keep on kissing me and grabbing, I was still telling him to stop, I was still pushing him off of me, but he still didn’t stop, instead he went on even more. He started unbuttoning my pants and pulling them down and during the same time he was rubbing his tongue all over my face and my chest I wanted to cry, I wanted to scream, I wanted to scream for somebody to help me, I stopped pushing him off me and started pulling my pants up, when I got my pants up close to where they were almost over my but, He continued kissing me all over and grabbing me, I started once again pushing him, "no, please stop, I don’t want this, please get off me, no, stop, stop!" He then got my pants and my underwear all the way scrunched down to my knees, he entered in me, I died then, I was weak, I just got stabbed with thousands of little needles in my stomach, my whole body went numb, I just froze, he's forcing it so hard I am being smashed in the door, "STOP, GET OFF ME, STOP, JUST PLEASE STOP," those words I am yelling to him, and these are the wo! rds that he gave back to me while he is still doing this to me " you need to loosen up, you know you want pleasure, come on just stop fighting, I can make it feel so good, you know that’s what you want, I can give it to you to where it would make you feel like you on top of the world, you need to loosed up, come on just stop fighting, its just pleasure, come on."

" NO I SAID NO GET OFF ME, PLEASE GET OFF ME,STOP " don't those words mean anything to him, why is he doing this to me, how can someone get pleasure out of my pain, does he see that he's ruining my life, what's wrong with him. What did I do, was it something I said, was it the way I dressed, somehow I gave him the wrong impression, somehow my words meant nothing to him. Why did I have to bring this upon myself, I should have listened to my instincts, why did I ignore them, why?

He was on top of me for a few minutes, but just those few minutes seemed like a lifetime in hell. After he got done tearing up my soul, he finally got off of me, I quickly stopped yelling at him and pulled my pants up and stayed as close to my side of the door as anyone could possible can, I told him then to take me home now. He told me that "nothing needs to be said, not to anybody, I was just giving you pleasure, you know that’s what you really wanted and I was just giving it to you". After that we didn’t exchange words until we got to my house, I quickly got out of the truck, I went inside as if nothing had happened, I wanted to take a hot shower I wanted to scrub the filth of me, but instead I asked my mom when my brother and them were coming home, 30 minutes there not going to be here for another 30 minutes, then he can and walked in the house by me "remember nothing needs to be said I was just giving you something you know you needed, come outside I need to talk to you about what just happened" I didn’t want mom to know that something was wrong with me so I went out there, I didn’t want to be by him thought either, but I did, I didn’t know what to do, I was still in shock, I was scared he would do it to me again.

He didn’t talk much he told me that he really liked me and that he wished things were different, I said "why" "why did you do that, why didn’t you stop, I hate you, I hate you, don’t you ever do that to me again, why, why?" I was in tears then, I was so angry, I was weak, I felt like shit, but He never did answer me he just sat there like it wasn't wrong, like he didn’t do anything bad he was doing me a favor, I curled up and stayed far away from him as possible without showing that there was something wrong when my mom would look out the window to see what were doing.

Finally my brother and our friends came. I tried to act like nothing happened, but my best guy friend (my neighbor) knew that something was up, he pulled me to side and we sat down on the grass together, he tried to get it out of me, and finally I gave into him, I told him everything, that whole night me and him sat together, we stayed away from the fire where everybody was at, including that asshole, He swore to me that he wouldn’t tell anyone.

About two weeks after that fact my brother found out, he was furious, he went across the street to him and had a shot gun in his truck and threatened his life, he denied it, he lied so good, my brother still didn’t believe him but told him to stay the hell away from me. Then my next door neighbor kicked him out, told him he had to find another place to stay. This got out all around school, people came up to me, people voiced their opinions about me, she's a whore, slut, trash, people went up to him and listened to his story, a story that sounded so real, he said it like he had no doubt in his mind that it wasn’t true, then people would ask me what happened and I felt so uncomfortable, I couldn’t tell them I don’t even want to think about it much less tell the whole school.

My parents found out then I had to go to the police, investigators came out took my clothes I was wearing that night, blood tests, HIV test, urine samples, skin clippings, anything and everything, I had to lay on a table with my legs spread apart having another male around that area but luckly it was a doctor feeling all in me rubbing his fingers checking to see if I was pregnant or if he had damaged anything inside of me. Even the doctor made me feel uncomfortable, It made me feel even worse and couldn’t help but to cry on that table, I wanted to scream but I told myself its just a doctor

School was so hard for me that I couldn’t bear it any longer, my grades were "F's" I got an attitude with everybody, people would come up to me and call me something. Or that bastard yelling across the courtyard " you can't rape the fucking willing". I couldn’t handle it so I got pulled out and took home school.

He had to take a lie detector test to see if what he was saying was true or not, and I remember that when we were still friends he told me that if he ever got into any trouble he would just tell them to give him a polygraph test cause he knew how to pass it, he said his friend took one and was lying all the way and he passed it, so he is pretty sure that he can pass it. Sure enough he did. Ohh dear God why? Why is he getting away with this? I begged the law for them to please let me take one, just to show that there are two tests that came back positive. The law told me that they cant do it, they are only allowed to take the test on one person not both of them. They don’t use the polygraph test in court anyways, but it's just for the people to see is what they informed me.

I was devastated but I knew that he would pass it, I was just praying that he wouldn’t have, now everybody believes him, my brother does, my use to be best friends believe him, the only two people that did believe me then was my mom, and my really close friend now, that has been through the same thing I have went through. My family was spreading stuff about me, the school had my name set as a slut, trash, whore, hoe. People were making up stuff that I had supposable said and I had supposable done. Me and mom got tired of it so we searched all over for a certified polygraph examiner, one that knew what they were doing, one that had awards, certificates, and had been doing this for many years now, finally we found one, we didn’t care how much it cost, I just wanted people to know that I had passed mine too. I took it and I passed all the way, the examiner said that it was positive that I was telling the truth.

Now people now know that there's two positive polygraph test, and that one of us has to be lying most people are believing me now, but there's still a few out there that don't. I have been trying to get a court date but the law is trying to figure out weather or not, there needs to be a case on this or not. That asshole has threatened my family threatened me, his sister is getting her ex's who has been in jail after me and my brother when we least expect it, he has keep me from coming back to my own school that I have been there all my life. I am having a hard time trying to fight back, but he's such a conartist he lies like it was the truth. Every time I try to get him down he winds up getting me down. People are now coming up to me saying that this boy is slick and that he's done it to other girls, I'm not the only one that he has done it to other girls, people warned me of him and to be careful cause I will be the one to end up hurting twice as bad in the end. I am scared I don’t know how to fight him its my word against his, he tells his story to perfectly, and I have a hard time talking about it to people, I feel uncomfortable, I feel judge, dirty, trash, whore, everything in that category is how I feel, and I am suppose to stand up and fight against someone like that?

I have tried asking the other girls that he has done this to too, but none of them want to go through what I have gone through, their life is starting to come back together and they just want to forget about it, they don’t want people to treat them the same way they treated me, they don’t want to have anything to do with me and this boy that has done stuff to them. I have tried explaining it to them that he's not gonna get punished and he's not gonna stop unless we do something, I've told them that I cant win without their help, but they still wont come forth and fight with me, it hurts me so bad though but I understand why, if I would have known I had to go through all this I would have denied it to my brother and denied it to my mom, I wish I would have now, but I don’t blame those girls they are probably just as scared as I am.

I have gone through everything in the past 3 months, my farther not knowing the whole story calling me up on the phone and saying how I am a slut and how he is ashamed of me, me and my mother getting into fights were I would hit her with objects and punch her and we would have blood all over us, I was even gonna slice my wrist or shoot myself in front of my parents for then holding me back from moving on so that they would see what their doing to their own daughter, I was addicted to pills, I wouldn’t get out of bed, stayed in the shower until the hot water was gone. I was distant from everybody, I was weak, so weak I couldn’t walk up the stairs, I get sick all the time now, didn’t eat, didn’t sleep cause the nightmares would come back to me, flashbacks even during the day

How could he, why did he, I still remember that smell that I cant get rid of, the look in his eyes that were no longer human like an animal out for its prey, his voice how he was telling me to loosen up its just pleasure, the force that he pushed on me, my body feeling like used leftovers. Why are these playing over and over again in my head, I hate my life I always will, he's scared me and it's too deep to heal.

I have went through everything and now I am tired of him taking over my life, I am ready to fight back he may still haunt me in my dreams and me may still frighten from even going asleep, but he's gonna get it when his time comes. I want my revenge. But why do I still feel like its my fault, and I still have those flashbacks that you cant knock out of my mind, I shouldn’t have said or done certain stuff I shouldn’t have went out to eat with him that night period. But I trusted him~and look what I get...








 
 
 
 
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