Im a 39 yearold male that was molested by a stranger when i was 13 yearsold.I was walking home from school one day when a stranger stoped and asked me if I needed a ride.The walk home was two miles so I accepted. Big mistake! He asked me if I had ever modeled before and I said no. He drove me to his trailer where he told me to that it was modeling underwear. I was scared to death by this time and knew that I was in trouble. He made me undress bare naked and told me to look at some pornography magizines. He came back into the room and began fondling me. He preformed oral sex on me as I stood terrified. After it was over he drove me to the end of my street and dropped me off. I got away but I was so ashamed that I kept it inside my head for sixteen years before I told anyone. I became an alcoholic and a drug user early in my teens. I guess to block out my problems. I was in a rehab when I spoke of the ordeal for the first time. It was so hard to speak of it that alot of anger and shame surfaced. The counselor said nothing to me about it. That bothered me greatly. It wasn't long before i began using again and another 9 years went by before I sought help again for my addictions. This time I told it again to a professional and he said it wasn't me fault. My wife knows now also but I have never revieled exactly what happened to anyone until now. I know that it has affected me both mentally and emotionally. It has scared me for life. I would like for this person to pay for what he did, and to also to keep it from ever happening to any other child ever again. Its been so long that the person has probibly moved and can't be found but I do still know exactly where it happened. Im still to ashamed to go to the police and tell them. Besides I don't have any confidence in our police anymore. Need help!!!!!!!!!!!



My story is that of a 6 year old girl who's innocence was torn away by my step grandfather. The abuse went on until the age of 12. I never spoke a word until I was 17 i told my Mom he played strip poker with me when I was small she just shrugged her drunken shoulders and called him a bastard and pursued it no further. That day the door that had been closed for so many years had a latch put upon it.

That man to this day dominates my soul to a great degree. I try to push him away but I can see him, hear him and even smell the cologne he adorn.

I finally told of my abuse when I was 30 yrs old. He had been dead for 2 years yet fear and shame kept me from uttering a word.

Here I am after 7 years of therapy, many, many medications and 16 sets of Electro Convulsive Therapy I still remain depressed, agoraphobic and paranoid.

I feel that I am grasping at straws right now because I have lost my therapist of 7 yrs. I feel like that child within again lost and scared of everything.

I go through the motions of each day and with all that I can pull together inside I try to be a good Mom two my sons. They are now 14 and 11 and I feel as if I have missed out on so much of their lives. I have been there but at the same time absent in spirit. The guilt is so consuming.

In closing I hope that i can return here for support at times whenI need it.

Thank you for listening,

Sha Sha



Hello,my name is ....... and I was raped and sexually assaulted 2 weeks ago. The hardest thing for me to deal with is the fact that my boyfriend and his friend did this to me. I was drugged and only remembered bits and pieces at first. My boyfriend kept telling me what supposidly happened to me, and because I loved and trusted him I believed him. I have been having dreams that tell me what really happened, every night I wake up in terror because of them. Ironically, my boyfreind said goodbye 3 days after this happened.(i wonder why??) I believe the rape was pre-planned.I think I am still in shock.Thank god for pills, without them I would be crazy.I am a psychology major and am getting alot of support from one of my profs and my mom. This is so hard for me because I never imagined in my wildest dreams the the person I loved the most would betray and use me in that way. I expected him to protect and love me not kill me. I can still hear his voice, smell him, feel him, and taste his cigerette breath.I can't cry anymore because I am emotionally numb.He said he loved me and I was dumb enough to believe him. He left me feeling more pain and emptiness than I ever thought was fucking imaginable.I hate him for what he's done, he took everything away from me.I am trying to be the strong person I know I am. I have to get through this so he doesn't win. I will not let him destroy me!!!!! Well, that's my story. Thank you for taking the time to read it.

Jacquline



I don't really know if this is rape or not, but I do know that it has messed up my life and my ability to feel normal about sex and many other aspects of life. I have been married for almost six years. The first three years of my marriage was very abusive and very painful. My husband and I married very young. We were nineteen and had a newborn son already at the time of our marriage. My husband had gone to the military and we were moved thousands of miles from our families to California. Looking back now I think that this must have finally been more than he could handle. He became very mean, aggressive and violent. He would purposely look for fights. He would hit me, slap me, and choke me until I started to pass out. He was always very aggressive towords sex but if I refused he would leave me alone. He'd be pissed about it, but he would leave me alone. Whenever we did have sex, he was always very rough, and would call me names like "bitch, whore and slutt" the entire time. He never knew how to be loving and gentle. Then one day, he decided he wouldn't take "no" for an answer. (I didn't always withold sex from him. I gave it to him alot of times but sometimes I just didn't feel like it.) Our two children were downstairs playing with their toys and I needed to fix them lunch. I told my husband that I didn't want to have sex right then. He pinned me down on the bed and punched me in the side. Not as hard as he could have, but hard enough to hurt. He asked me again if I would have sex with him and each time I said no he would punch me a little harder. I tried to crawl away but he would grab me and drag me back again. He flipped me over on my stomach and pressed his penis against my vagina and asked me again if I would have sex with him. When I said no, he punched me yet again. It kept on like this until finally I said "yes". I just wanted to get back to my children. Later he said that it wasn't rape because I had said "yes" and that he was my husband so that meant that he was entitle to sex whenever he wanted it. I am still married to him today. In fact, we now have another child. He went to counseling and has tried to be a good husband. Most of the time he is excellent. He doesn't hit me anymore, and is very accomodating to whatever I want in life. He is kind to me and treats me with respect 98 percent of the time. But there are times when he gets totally aggessive and will pin me down trying to have sex. When I start crying and get hysterical, he will get mad at me. He doesn't understand how that affects me. The next day he'll be sorry and things will be fine for another six months or so until he gets too aggresive again. I don't understand why he is like this- I do love him very much.I don't want to leave him (usually- unless it is a bad day) Sex is very hard for me though. I don't know if this counts since I am married to him. I just wanted to write about it. Sorry this is so long and for rambling.



1-12-00 My name is Jenni. I have visited this site several times and I finally have the courage enough to tell my story. I have to say that this is the most difficult thing my life has ever undergone, and I wish I didn't have to go through it. I remember everything clearly. It was just 7 months ago in a couple days (it happened June 17 at about 4:17). The "things" name was Pat, I dare not call him a man or a boy, just a monster, and he was 20 at this time. I never learned his last name. The first time I ever met him was at the mall. You see, I was a "mall rat," and all of my friends were too. We would hang out, smoke some pot, drop some acid and drink a lot. I look back now, and think, "Stupid girl, what were you thinking?" But I remember him coming up to me, his smile as sweet as anything that anyone has ever tasted, and his personality seemed amazing to me. He lit up his cigarette and I looked at him he gave me his cigarette and lit another one. That made me think that he was nice. But I was wrong. We were, and are, naive and unwilling to move on from our pasts. His unwillingness in his way of hanging around a bunch of 15 to 18 year olds, and mine in wanting to be him. It was horrid. But he was so nice to me, and we always kidded about everything. We laughed at anyone. I was, and am, 15. Sixteen in March. About 5 months after I had met him and he had gained my trust and respect, he told me that he had to go to LA to escape from the marines because he had signed up, and now he didn't want to go. (Simply because in order to go he would have to go to a psychiatrist for his Prozac use and get drug tested about once ever two weeks.) I was so sad, I cried right then and there. But then I had to go to church (okay, how much more of a hypocrite could I be?), so I left him. The next day, he called me and asked me to meet him in front of the movies at four o'clock so he could say goodbye to me, (he was leaving the next day). So I did. This was the day that I didn't see coming. Pat met me in front of the movies and I hugged him. He was a great friend, or so I had thought. I smiled at him and told him that I was going to miss him. He grabbed my hand and smiled back and said that he was going to miss me too. I had this plastered smile on my face and he continued to grab my hand. He then told me he had something important to show me. Me being so dumb and SO naïve said okay thinking that it was going to be something special for me to remember my good friend by. So he pulled me by my hand almost making me trip over myself, into the employees only entrance. The first entrance we attempted to go into was a person that kicked us out. He laughed, (and when he laughed his eyes bounced the way a child's would), and brought me around a different way, closer to the other side of the mall. We then were actually able to get into the employee's only entrance. He twisted through the halls like he had been there 40 times before. The halls were dim and quiet. There was a silent bang in the distance and he made me get next to the wall so as to avoid any one that may be passing by. No one did. He let go of my hand momentarily to look around the corner, then he came back, grabbed my hand and we were going again. The hallways were no wider than 5 feet and they were concrete all over. The slightest noise would send an echo everywhere. I was looking at the path in front of me, then at my watch, 4:16. Suddenly my arm jerked over to the side and I was pulled inside somewhere. It took me a second to realize that it was the employees' elevator. My arm throbbed, but I thought that Pat was just joking around. And since he was 5'11", and able to hold himself up off of a table by his neck and his arms just balancing him (I kid you not, I have seen this), it was reason to me that he hardly knew his own strength and so accidentally hurt me. He closed the wood door that came down from the top and then the metal cage. I rubbed my arm as Pat had let go of my hand to do so and he pushed the up button. I laughed a little thinking that he was just joking around as he often did and he shot a cold glance at me. I backed into the corner and stopped laughing. I realized that the elevator stopped, to what seemed like it went nowhere, but really, I think that all you had to do was open the other doors manually. He turned around and grinned at me, his eyes no longer bouncing like they had. He pinned me against the wall and started kissing me and I pushed him off and said no. He then grabbed me by the neck and told me to just relax. I was afraid. Deathly afraid, and I froze. He grabbed my pants and pulled them off, and then he pulled his off. I cried silently and he pulled me onto the hard, wood, semi-splintery floor. He got on top of me, and he was so heavy. He didn't look that heavy, but he was. I was having difficult time breathing. I swallowed hard and told myself that this wasn't happening. But it was. He pulled off my underwear and I looked up at the ceiling and then closed my eyes tight. The next thing I felt was a hard jabbing pain in my stomach. He grunted and asked me if I cum easy. I did not respond and he asked again. I said nothing. And he just kept going and he answered his own question saying, "I do." He must have thought that this was funny. He continued and I cried, frozen, until he erected and then heard a noise. He got up, told me to put on my clothes, and asked me if I knew what would happen to me, and him, if I told anyone. I sat up and looked at my wrists where I had not noticed that he was holding me. I guess I was too distracted to realize that this was how I was forced onto the ground. They had red finger marks on them and I could feel my pulse beat. I pulled on my pants and said yes. He clarified himself by saying, "Don't tell anyone" with a cold look. He pressed the down button and grabbed my hand again. This time he drug me back out to the mall entrance where Scooby was and I sat with Scooby the rest of the time while Pat shot glances at me. I went home and went to the bathroom, and I realized that I was bleeding I didn't know that would happen. I took off my clothes and showered and cried for about an hour. When I got out I went to bed, even though it was only eight. I told no one. That day I became clean, (no more drugs and alcohol, despite the fact that I was on nothing that day), and that day ruined my very existence. That day I became an open wound. I finally had to tell someone. I was at church and we were talking about rape in my confirmation class. Everyone was saying how simple it is for a girl to defend herself against it, and I wanted to scream. I wrote a note to my counselor and passed it to him down the table while the guys kept discussing it. The note read that "I need to talk soon, and I need to be able to trust that you won't tell anyone." He wrote back, "We'll talk during closing prayer." So class ended like 5 minutes later and we stayed behind. I told him everything and just started bawling. He held me and just said that he is there for me. I was happy that he didn't try to give me any advice, or tell me how I should put it behind me, or any of that crap. So I instantly felt like a burden was lifted off my shoulders and I know that locking it inside for even that short amount of time was stupid. I was raped. It hurts. Now what? Now I am healing. And I can heal, I can, but I know that it won't be anytime soon. He is still there for me whenever I need to talk. And I have told a couple close friends and my boyfriend. I now carry a knife on me everyday I am so scared. I have been fighting depression for a while now, and I can't talk to my parents, they don't listen no matter how many times I have tried. I have been clean now of drugs for almost seven months, and I have been unclean physically now for almost seven months. It's okay though because I have my friends. But they don't understand. I need someone who understands. But like I always say, "God doesn't give people situations that they can't handle. So shit will happen, and you'll move on day to day. Soon it will go your way."

Please feel free to e-mail me if you do understand or just need to talk

Jenni Kelly
AIM: Setsuna483



A week after my 18th birthday I met a man I had been talking to on the internet for about 2 months. In the beginning he had been strange and kind of scared me a bit, but in the last week or so before we met he'd somehow managed to convince me that he had been kidding around, and was really a nuce guy. He said that he wanted to be friends, and that we'd have fun if we hung out. I agreed and the Sunday after Thanksgiving I met him. He picked me up around the corner of my house(my father would never have let me leave with a strange man, so I kept it secret) and we started driving. As we were driving he started to freal me out a little, drive really really slow, then pick up speed and make me think we were going to hit someone or something. He was talking about how men need to excite women before sex, and when we passed the river he said "That would be a nice place to put your body, hahaha...just joking" I was scared, but I didnt want him to know, I figured that was what he wanted...to scare me. I thought he was just playing a game, nothing more. He offered me a beer..which at first I refused, but eventually I took it, and as I was drinking it, he started to play with my hair. I pushed him away, and he accused me of being too jumpy. He moved in again, this time trying to fondle my breast. I smacked his hand away this time, but he again told me to relax..After pushing him away a few more times, I just let him do that so he'd be satisfied, rolling my eyes, and telling him it did nothing for me the whole time. Then he suggested we get in the back. I told him to f*ck himself, I wasnt getting in the backseat, but he kept insisting. He stopped trying to touch me and promised he wouldnt do anything. Being stupid, I got in, and sat far away from him, but he got right next to me and stared at me. He said something that I dont remember, and I asked him "Why?" and He said "Because I'm gonna f*ck you" I told him "No you're not and went to get up and he grabbed me and shoved his tongue in my mouth while trying to rub between my legs. I tried pushing him away but he was too strong. He threw me down on my back and ripped at my clothes. From there he forced himself inside me 3 times, stopping and making me perform oral sex on him in between. He also forced a bottle inside me because he "thought it would be fun" and tried to force anal sex on me. When he couldnt and I fought so forcefully he instead would shove his fingers up there...Punishment for fighting him I guess. I eventually gave up fighitng altogther, becasue he was too strong for me, and he overpowered me everytime. After 4 hours he was finally satisfied and took me home. When he dropped me off at my car I got in and took off and he followed me all the way to my house, just so he knew where I lived. Then he left. The next day he harassed me online about what he did to me. I was so upset that I had allowed it, that I hadnt fought to the death. And then the day after that he called to torment me. To remind me that he had taken my virginity, that I was his and I would never forget him. And of course to remind me that he had never wanted t be my friend, that all he had wanted was sex, and he got it. Well, it wasnt given to him...it was stolen, and he wouldnt get away with it. I went to the police the next day, and an investigation followed. He was arrested and stayed in jail overnight, but he got out on bail the next night. I'm currently awaiting trial or a guilty plea. As horrible as the actual rape was, what kills me is that he ruined so many things for me. I have a boyfriend now that I dont always trust and who I constantly feel that I'm hurting with all the issues this attack has caused. I dont trust any man, and probably never will. This only happened 2 months ago, and I'm still in the middle of the struggle for justice. I want my life back, and I want my new relationship to work. Some day things will fall into place for me. I hope it's someday soon.



I was 14. I thoght he was my friend. He was even a year younger than me. I was his girlfriend, for a couple of months. We were celebrating the new year at a friends house, and no one was awake yet except for us. He told me that if i screamed I'd wake everyone up, and they wouldnt believe me anyway. He held me down and raped me. I only remember the begining and the end. i try so hard not to remember the rest. I'm 18 now and almost no one knows. I still see him, and he acts like nothing happened. He tells me he still loves me. I am usually such a strong person, but when he's around i feel completely powerless and weak. I wish he could feel exactly what I feel every time I see a movie about rape, or hear a song about it.



Well my story is a long one. I was raped like a lot of people. I had a friend named Mike. He was more than a friend though he was like a brother. He was 2 yrs older than me and always there to help me with my problems. I was raped when i was 19 and he was 21. We went to a resort with a bunch of friends over spring break. I roomed with him cause we were so close. We had dated on and off and had been together seriously for about 6 monthes. We came back from a party and I went to go take a shower I got dressed in a bathrobe and went out of the bathroom. He told me to go sit on his lap and I did. He started talkin to me and kissin my neck. He did this often so I thought nothing of it. The he reached around to untie my bath robe. I pulled his hands away and told him to stop and he did but turned me around and we started kissing. Well then he tried again and I told him no he shoved me on to the bed and kissed me hard his tounge goin in so deep and ripped my clothe s off and started to feel me. Then he hit me and pulled out his penis. I felt it go in tearing me up in side I let out a scream and he punched me and told me to be quiet or he would kill me. He did this for a few then turned me over and started to have anal. I just layed there crying. he tied me to the bed so I couldnt move. He took objects and shoved them in me it hurt so bad. Now almost 10 monthes later I am taking care of my 3 week old baby Nicole...his kid to. I always had hiom there to dry my tears qwhen I needed him. But now that I dont have to I dont want to.

Katie



Well, I suppose this is it. The only person I've ever told is my best friend. I'm trembling slightly while I'm typing this. A bit of background information on me. I'm 16, and when i was 2, my parents divorced and my Dad won custody of me and my older brother. my Dad was very scary when I was little. He had such a temper, I was so terrified of him. So, I grew up wth my Dad and brother. I still have vivid images of him screaming at me. I could never talk to my Mum at all. She lived too far away, and he would listen to my phonecalls to her. He forced us to say to the social workers that we didn't like Mum. And then, when I was about 9, he started forcing me to touch him. I never realised what was happening. This went on frequently for a year. I was to scared to say no. Then it changed, and he used to make me give him oral sex. It disgusted me, but I couldn't stop him. More things like this happened, each one I feel so ashamed looking back on, but at the time it was like I was blank, I couldn't feel anything emotionally. I almost accepted it as my normal life. I lost a sense of how wrong what he was doing to me, and I just surrendered. I didn't fight, I just gave in to what he wanted. I feel so angry at myself. Although, thankfully, he never did fully rape me, but he tried hundreds of times, but I was always too tense, because I was scared so much. He nearly managed to a couple of times. In total, this went on for 5 years. I can remember playing with my My little Ponies after giving him oral sex. I can bearly remember a time when I did have total innocence. I feel so disgusted at myself, and angry at myself, because I could of stopped him if I really tried, but I didn't. It's only when I was thirteen, I managed to go to live with my Mum. I have never uttered a word about what Dad did to me. It's almost like it never happened, it's that well covered up. The stupid thing is that I still love him, and I could never tell anyone because they would send him to jail. I couldn't bear for anything to happen to him, because I still love him. It's like this thing I did in Psychology class at school, about a man who got these ducklings to think that he was their mother for an investigation. Sometimes, he accidentally stood on one of them, and instead of running away from him, the duckling became even closer to the man. When we discussed it in class, I kept thinking, thats me. I'm that duckling. My Dad stood on me, yet I'm protecting him by keeping quiet. The problem is that I think I'm breaking down, I have been extremely unstable, and I don't think I can keep it to myself anymore. I'm thinking of telling my older brother, if he knew what was happening to me he has never said a word. But I'm often scared that he was abused too, but he's quiet too. So, there you go, my story. Thanks for reading.

Susan



Hi my name is Lisa.My story starts when I was around 5 or 6.A friend of the family started molestating me. One day he called me over to his house. he took me to a room and took off his pants.Then he asked me too show him mine.I told him that my mom said that nasty he siad that my mom was full of shit.He took me and put me on his bed and took off my pants.He told me how beautiful I was down there and started kissing me there.Not long after that an other family friend started molestaing me.I never told anyone about this I didnt know it was rong.When I was 10 my family moved and I didnt see them any more.

Things were normal until I was 12.One night I stayed the night at a friends house.At this time I had friends that was older then me they all had already had sex with someone.That night we talked about sex and I talked too I made it sound like I too have had sex before.My friends brother was in the room to.That night we all sleeped in the livingroom.We sleeped on the floor and her brother sleeped on the couch.When every one was asleep he started touching my hand I tried acting like I was asleep but I moved.He got off the couch and took his pants off. I didnt remember this part until this morning.He told me that he was going to fuck me.I told him no that I didnt want to get pregnant.He said that he wouldnt get me pregnant and raped me.I remember the pain the most I told him that it hurt that is when he made it hurt more. I just laid there and didnt say anything.After it was over I got up and went to the bathroom.I dont know how long I was in there I think I was in shock.After a while I woke up my friend and asked her if she had a pad.Then I went back to lay down and he asked me if I was okay and I told him I was.I didnt tell anyone about this I wasnt sure if it was rape I m not sure of that even now. When I think of rape I think of the girl fighting or screeming.I didnt do that.I also told him that I was okay.So how can that be rape.All I know is that after that I used drugs. I also let any man do what they wanted to. And that brings me too when I was 15.My sister got married to a man that she knew for only two weeks.My family thought he was the best thing that ever walked on earth.But not long after they got married he has asking me too have sex with him for drugs.He told me that it was for my sisters happiness.And said that he could make feel things that no man has ever made me feel.I never enjoyed this every time some thing happened I cried but I did take the drugs. If he came to our house and no one was home but me I would hide.This went on for a year.One day my sister read my diary.I wasnt at home that day so she told Chris what she read.Chris told her that I was fantisizing. That is what he told my mom and dad too. latter when I got home my mom and sister was gone.My dad and chris asked me too go for a ride with them I dint know that they had read my diary.So I went for that ride.My dad stoped the truck and got out of it and said to Chris that he could talk to me now and got out.That is when Chris told me that they had read the diary and that he told them that I was just fantisizing.He also told me that if I told the truth that no one would believe me.But I wanted it all to be over and I thought that they would believe me.But they didnt I can still see my sister walking out of the door with him.About two or three weeks latter I ran away from home.When I left I left all that so I thought.I just acted it never happend too me just like they did.But now it is all coming back all the pain shame everything.I dont know if this was rape because I did take drugs from him.But I do know that it hurts bad.



I am so thankfull for this website because Tori has made me stronger in her own words. Tori's music means a lot to me because when i was only 15 i got raped and abused by a 18 year old big diff. It was my best friends B-Day and i wanted to suprise her with a huge party. I invited half of the school. My Parents were away for 2 weeks. I invited a lot of guys and a guy that i really liked. At the party my friend said thanks for a great night and left. The party was over most of the people left and some of them were asleep so i had to mostly kick them out not to be rude or anything. Theres this one guy i got to really know better and we flirted and danced that whole time. After that we started dating. He asked me to come over his house for a movie. He kept on touching, It was late at night so i drifted off to sleep. Next thing in know i feel a body on top of me. I was getting raped by him. I never know he had such nerve to do that. Thats when i got to know him a little bit better. As he was raping me more guys starting to huttel around. I was screaming and saying stop all my cloths were off and they were holding my arms down. One guy said shut the fuck up u stupied whore! They were yelling in my face. I was screaming and trying to get up. They were slaping me. It was awful. I felt dirty and numb. I was crying. They through me across the room and said your nothing but a stupied little slut. They called me all kinds a name. They through my cloths at me. And to go get changed now or he will hurt me. I ran into his bathroom and was feeling like my life was gonna end. I ran out but i heard footsteps behind me like someone was chasing me. It was him my worst nightmare the guy i came to love the guy who raped me. He grabed my rist and said if u ever tell anyone about this i will kill you! Was litterly scared and i didnt know what to think. I was to scared to tell anyone. But im proudly to say i have grown stronger from that night. I started to listen to Tori's music and have grown so strong. Before i blamed myself but now i love myself. But im still scared of sex and other sexual stuff. Im taking things slow.

Thank You Tori
Love: Kelly




 
 
 
 
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