I don't remember exactly when my abuse started, it's as if it's always been there. My older brother began molesting me around 4 or 5. (i know now that he was also being molested by an older family friend). For a long time it was just touchy-feely stuff under the blankets. I thought it was a game. As I got older it escalated into being fingered and asked that I play with his dick. I never knew what I was supposed to do. His hands were always freezing. Guaranteed. After a while he would touch me and I would tell him no- if it didn't work (it rarely did) my mind would go somewhere else. I could hear and see everything as if I was watching a movie but I couldn't feel. It happened frequently- every week at least a few times. I can only remember the specifics of 5 or 6 incidents- the rest is either a blur or not there at all. I have nightmares every night. I have flashbacks- not as often as I used to though. When I was 15 it happened for the last time at my Dad's house. I remember Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon was playing. I remember saying no. I never said it with much conviction, I always knew it would never work. I remember watching it but not really feeling anything- mostly I remember the music. His nails were always sharp- they always hurt me. I remember thinking that this was the last time.

There is so much more, so much I don't remember to tell. So much I am too ashamed to admit. There was never any actual intercourse, for this I am thankful.

Two days after the last incident I met my current boyfriend. He has been extremely supportive of me. Thanks to his patience and understanding we have few problems making love. But it took me two years before I was willing. We tried once when we'd been together for a year and a half-it was like trying to break through a wall. In a sense I suppose that was exactly it. My virginity was the one thing that wasn't tainted. I had held onto it for this long, so that when I wanted to I didn't know how to let it go. I was ashamed and embarrassed and confused. I began to get very depressed. I had no idea what was wrong. Finally my boyfriend begged me to tell him what was wrong. I told him I would tell him the next day. I had no idea what I was going to tell him. So I sat down and thought. It took me nearly 6 hours to form the words "I was molested" in my mind. It took me six months before I could say it aloud. I first told him when I was 16 and began the long journey towards recovery. I am 20 now. My first therapy session is on Friday and I am terrified. I'm not sure I want to remember. I'm not sure I'll still like myself after this is over. I have done much healing on my own- reading books (The Courage to Heal saved my sanity and my self esteem). It is time to take a step up and get more help. The nightmares aren't going away and it's time to do something. I am so scared.

Jessica



Hi.My name is Amy,and here is my story.

It started when i was 3 years old my big brother was about 9,and my big sister was about 6.My mom back then she cared about us but i dont think she really cared that much she would go out drinking and partying and stuff.she would leave us with my dad that adopted me and he is a great guy and i love him so much.he and my mom were never married though thats the weird part.ok here goes. my mom married this guy named joe he was my little sisters dad she was 3 months old when it happend.i woke up one day and i remember wanting to go over to my adopted dads house.so i got dressed and put on my sweater and was about to go outside then joe got up and he said that it looked like that i went outside but i said i didnt and he said that i was lyin and he said that he was goig to punsih me and all i remember is he put a blin fold over my face and raped my from behind and i was screaming the hole time when it was over he was lyin there i was in the hall cryin and ghe was sayin that was the ! only thing he knew to do .and my big sister said he did it to her to but i dont remember that.then my mom came home from her classes she was taking and found him with my three month old baby sister under the covers with him.now thats was so fucked up.then we were tookin away from our mom and my adopted dad and put in foster care were we were beat on and this one lady evebn broke my arm and lyed about it said i fell off the top bunk bed yeah right i wish i could see that fat bitch agian id kill her well n e ways.now my little sister is adopted out they said she has problems and we could not take care of her but all that she has been through im not suprized.

then finally me and my sister were allowed to come live woth my dad and myu big brother was livin with my mom.here is the part that will gross yall out its not really rape but its pretty close.I went over to my moms house.and i think my mom and her boyfriend had to go somewhere.so i was left alone with my rother.i think u know were im goin with this already.i was 9 or ten and he was 16 or 17 .we started playin strip poker for some odd reason and then he asked me if he could finger me and i said no and he said come on i do it to kay(his girlfreind now his wife)all the time and i said well why dont u call her then.he said cuz she is no home so like an idiot i let him then he stopped cuz i told him to . then we went into the living room and he took out his dick and told me to pull it.then i said wouldnt it hurt and he said no cuz its a muscle and so i did god i was so dum then. he took a shower and when he was done he said he was sorry and he would not do that agian.he lied.then he got married and went to luve in florida and had a little boy of his own and then when i was 12 and he was 19 i went to visit him then he was watching me cuz kay was at work and he was in one chair and i was in the other and i said u know what i want and i knew he was goin to say somethin i didnt want him to say so i said a million dollars and he said well that 2 and he said i wanna watched you get dressed and i said no way and he said will u jerk me off and bieng an idoit i did.je gave me a cd for it.i dont know why but i cant tell my mom but some people will read this and say o my god that is so duk why dont she just tell her mom but its not that easy.i still dont trust him to this day and i never will and what scares me the most is he has a baby girl now.oh and i hate all guys with the name joe.they are all bastards my sister made him get on his ands and knees and apoligized to her when i saw joe when i was thirteen i want to throw ther food in his fat face.that was the last time i saw my little sister.now im 15 and you never know how much you miss you little sister or brother until there gone.well thats my story if u want to email my adress is at amymb69@yahoo.com

Amy



my story is actually many stories. i have been assulted many times threw out my life mostly by family members. no one knew about any of it until i was 18 which was the second to last time i was assulted. when i was a child around 5 or 6 my uncle use rape me and fondle me almost daily. anytime i went in to the attic to play it happened i would close me eyes ar stare at the ceiling until he was done for the longest time i thought i had to do it. still to this day no one know one in my family knows this has happened to me. my best friends bother had locked me in his attic and assulted me. shortly after that my cousin would lock me in his closet and assult me. i can't remember how i felt about any of this at that time but i can remember certain parts. since i was so little i had blocked it out because i could not of been able to handle it. at the age of 18 i was raped by by second cousin. i was drunk and could not even talk. i pretended to sleep threw it i was to scar! ed to do anything else.at the time i did the only thing i was able to do was shut down my body. my best friend at the time moved me out of the bed i was in when she awoke to see what was going on. this is the one i came out with and told my mother. after a year of therapy i was assulted by a boyfriend. i told him to stop and he wouldn't after about twenty minutes he stopped because i would not coropperate with him. i got up and left his house and have not seen him since. i moved and lost all contact with him. now i'm just living the best i can.



My name is jay and I was raped when I was 8. I was at the park with my family and friends I remember that it was a hot day in December. The park was a huge place and their were kids everywhere after awhile I went to the toilet there was another guy in there as well as me he asked me if i wanted to have sex i said NO, I went into the cubicle and closed the door he put his head under the door and asked me again I still said no.I opened the door and went out that is when I was pushed back into the cubicle. He said he was a police officer and I believed him he said that my mum told him to look after me and this is what he did to little boys who were bad for their mum. He pulled down my pants and started sucking on me then he bit me that bastard bit me I cried cos it hurt then he told me to shut up or he would hurt my mum. I then had to suck him I will never forget the smell he forced himself in my mouth then he came I had to swallow it I thought that I was goingto be sick the next thing i remember is him sticking a finger inside my backside I screamed my undies were put in my mouth and then the oain i will never forget that till the day I die after he finished he told me that i was a good boy and that he got rid of the bad man in the toilets. That is my story thatnkyou for letting me share it I am now 22 and I still can't forget that day.

Jay



hello my name is sarah. i am now 16 years old, and a junior in high school. i was raped when i was in the 8th grade. i was 12 years old. it all happened 2 days after my aunt married the wrong guy (they are still married today), he is just mean and worthless, she has to do everything and she doesn't act the same. i went to a friends house to have a party. most people were drinking but yet i wasn't i had a sprite. my friend joe took me. we were like brother and sister. i trusted him with everything i ever had. he knew all about me and i thought that i knew all about him. he was trying to get me to drink and i told him no. he kept bothering me to drink and i said no. i told him that i would be right back and that i had to go to the bathroom. i gave him my sprite to hold cause i didn't want to take it with me. he told me that he would hold my drink and that he would stay right there and waite till i get back. so i said cool and left. when i came back he handed me my sprit! e and i drank that one along with another one. i almost got through the second one and i started to feel sick and dizzy, and tired. he asked me if i wanted to go home and i said yes. i was spending the night at his house but i told my mom that i was staying the night at a different friends house. my mom had no idea where i really was. so we said good bye to all of our friends and got i got as far as out side and i fell. my whole body felt dead. i couldn't walk i could barly talk and the whole world was spinning. it was very odd. he draged me to around the corner of the house where no one was and layed me down. i didn't know what was going on. everything was blury and it was like my whole body felt like it ached. i don't know how else to explain it. i was slipping in and out of concesness. i remember some things and other things i don't. i remember him on top of me telling me to not talk or do anything. i couldn't talk. i couldn't scream for help, even if i tried. he then raped! me for a long time. it seemed like forever. i remember it hurt. and he was whispering ''this is what you get for not drinkng when i told you to drink. you should have done what i told you to do.'' i could feel my heart pounding in my chest and the tears roll down my cheeks. i couldn't say anything, i couldn't even move. i just remember him on top of me push harder and harder. he was raping me but that didn't even enter my mind. i was thinking about the stupidest things. just anything but him raping me. he left me there and one of my friends came out and found me. he was talking to me but i could not answer him. i didn't know what was going on. i could hear just bla bla bla. nothing made sence. i was going in and out. he held me there. and called for help and i do remember him telling me that i was going to be ok. i dodn't even know this guy very well, i met him at the party and yet he is sitting here with me. no one came to his call, so he draged me inside. after all this i f! ind out he slipped me what the call ''the date rape drug'' in my sprite, the one i had him hold while i went to the bathroom. i eneded up pregnate with his child. i know it is his child because i had never had sex before that. nor did i after he raped me. my son was born on april 6th of 1998. me is my pride and joy. icey eyes and blonde hair. he is my pride and joy. i chose to have him because i was to scared to give him up. i didn't want to murder him by getting an abortion. i couldn't have lived with myself after that, if i gave him up or murdered him. so i kept him. the hardest thing to do is to look in his eyes and see joes face. some of the looks garrett gives me are the same ones joe would give me. joe and i don't talk anymore, nor does he see garrett. my girlfriend that i have now knows all about this. (i am a lesbian) she helps me out many times with him. she listens to me brag about him all the time, poor girl. sorry dear. i knew i was a lesbian before this and so did! joe, joe was the only one i told, i sometimes think that is why e did it, because he knew that he couldn't have me. but i will never know the true reason of why he did that. my girlfreidn introduced me to tori last year. i sat there and cryed for about 12 hours straight. i ended up crying myself to sleep that night. every song was like she was talking to me. it just hit me. she first told me about little earthquakes. i bought the cd a few days later. now i have really become a big time tori fan. all thanks to my girlfriend i am still here because she helped me throught the biggest crack in my life by being there for me and introcuing me to tori. my life is going good now, my grilfriend and i have just reached 2 months =) my sone will be 3 pretty soon =( he is growing up way to fast. while i was prgnate i lost soooo much weight, i only gained 10 lbs with him you could barly tell that i was oing to have a baby, i just looked fat. that was about it. i would not eat, i couldn't! sleep, i was very sad all the time and would only sit in a dark room. i am now almost at normal weight, just a little bit underweight. my son and i get along very well him. people say that i am a big kid myself so you can see this. we play together all the time when we see eachother. he doesn't call me ''mom'' nor does he call me sarah, he calls me ''ya ya'' i am not sure how he came up with this name, but hey i like it. i haven't seeken help about this. even though i should some days are easyer than others. but it is all ok. well i am glad that i could sare this with someone thank yo for listeneing to me. good luck in the feature with your thing that you need to sort out. please don't kill yourself you are not alone. if you need someone to talk my email adress is musictweaker@aol.com it the subject put barbados or tori or something so i know or you will be deleated. sorry. i was suicidal and my girlfriend made a deal with me to mae me not do anything. good luck!!! my best wish to you and your sistuation.

love
sarah



My first love , the guy who I was supposed to marry this Xmas(2000). We started dating when I was 12 and a few weeks ago it ended.He was always abusive , but he never hit me,well he started to maybe a year ago. A few weeks ago I got the courage to break up with him. I felt so strong! It ended so well, I mean no fighting or yelling he just gave me a kiss and walked out! Maybe a few days later I think I started getting phone calls and messages by him. they really didnt scare me , I mean I was strong, my own apt., paying my way at Princeton University at 18 I could handel it all! ( so I thought).Four days before Xmas(2000) I run into my apt. and drop everything and run into the bathroom.( I had to pee so bad!) I and I thought I heard some one come through the door, but that couldn't be I locked the door! ( well I thought I did) I came out the bathroom and there he was my jaw hit the floor! It was like I was frozen I could not move at all.He came up to me picked me up by he neck and through me on the floor.(for a more mental pic im pretty small 5'0"/ 94 lbs. and he was 6'4"/211 lbs.)So I'm really over powered! I did fight him.I remember screaming at the top of my lungs for help and it didnt work. He raped me four times that night.He was there for 5 hrs.! It was horrible.Merry Christmass to me right?What a present!I would never wish this upon anyone!I just still cant believe that I didnt lock the stupid door.When he left I took a shower for about 2 hrs. which was a really big mistake.I remember just being sick to my stomach like throwing up every 10 min. I wasnt going to report it but a really good friend made me see I had to.He will never know how much he really helped me start to move on! I did and good thing is hes in jail on four counts of rape.My ex took a lot from me that night. My virginity,my pride and my innocence, what I would do to get those back now.I couldnt let him take anymore! Well thanks so much for letting me vent and get all this crap off my chest! I hope everyone who ever goes thru anything like this will end up ok in the end. I mean it cant get any worse now right?Its like I know I still blame myself but I dont know how not to.Well I want to say thanx again and good luck to everyone!

Alisha



Joe

November 18, 1998—My Car, Outside BJ’s Apartment
“Can I kiss you?” the stranger in my car asked pleadingly.
“Um…gee lemme think…no,” I said.
“Please, just once?”
“No.”
“You’re so beautiful…please can I kiss you?”
The tall, dark stranger leaned forward and breathed in the scent of my neck. Ok, that’s it, I thought. Who cares if I kiss him? Not like I haven’t been a slut lately.
“Please?” he asked one last time as he was opening the door ever-so-slowly to step out into the night.
“Okay,” I whispered quickly, not quite sure why I was doing this.

He leaned forward and kissed me, passionately, like it might have been his last night on this earth. He actually took my breath away.

And then he was gone. He said goodnight and stepped out of my car. I thought I might never see him again, but he stared into my eyes as if he knew we would meet again. I drove off, with him watching me, and I went toward my house. Once I got there, I fell into my bed. As my head hit the pillow, all I could think about was this beautiful stranger who seemed to want nothing more out of life than to kiss me.

January 25, 1999—BJ’s Apartment
Skrewdriver, one of the many popular white supremacist bands, blared in the tiny apartment. I walked into the cigarette smoke cloud and smacked right into someone.
“Shit! Sorry. I’m a dumb bitch,” I said, not even looking up.
“Hello. Long time no see,” the stranger said.
It was him! My beautiful stranger. I had found out his name: Joseph McClure. He was BJ's best friend (BJ is a skin I grew up with.) I think BJ knew I liked this Joseph McClure, but I don’t think he told him.
“Hi! How are you?” I managed to stammer.
“Oh, okay. I need to quit drinking…I’m on probation.”
“For what? Drugs?” I asked, a little to matter-of-factly.
“No, no…just a bar fight,” he said, smiling slyly.
“Well, I’ve been wanting to quit drinking. I can help you out.”
“Okay…do you want to go to Eat N’ Park?”
“Sure, I’ll drive,” I replied.
“Good,” he said, “because I don’t have a car anyway.”

We said our simple good-byes to the drunken crowd at BJ's shitty apartment and went on our way. We made simple small talk for quite a few hours. I really wanted to drink, and I think he did too, but we were on a mission, dammit. We were going to stay sober until it killed us.

I took Joseph McClure home and said goodnight to him. We didn’t kiss, even though it was obvious we both wanted to. We exchanged phone numbers, and I was on my (very) merry way.

March 16, 1999—Rich’s Kitchen
I called Joe from Rich’s house one night when I was bored. I was too scared to call, but I forced myself to do it. He picked up on the first ring, and he knew it was me as soon as I said hello.

Joe and I talked for hours on the phone. We talked about relationships, friendships, family, sex, college, and pretty much everything else. I felt like I had known him my whole life. When I hung up the phone, I started jumping up and down. Rich and his girl laughed at me, but they knew what was up…I was falling in love.

April 10, 1999—Tom’s Pointless Party
I began to “date” Nick. Nick was funny, sweet, handsome, and he even had a job, but I didn’t give a fuck about him. One night, he told me there was a party at his best friend’s house. So, in my player-bitch way, I asked if I could bring Joe. Nick, of course, said yes.

Joe and I sat around the table with the other fuck-ups, drinking our cheap beer and wishing we could leave. Someone spilled their beer, so I rolled my sleeves up to help clean.

“Are you abused?” Joe asks, with a weird grin on his beautiful face.
“What?” I asked, confused and drunk.
“Are you abused? You have bruises all over your arm. Are you abused?”
“Um, no. These are just from play-fighting with my friends,” I said.
He just smiled his mysterious smile and drank his cheap beer. Then, a horrible thing happened: the beer was suddenly gone!
“Okay, let’s get out of here,” I said, gathering my drunken friends.
“Hey, we should stop at the Millhouse and pick up some Yuengling’s,” Joe said, ready to spend his money.
So, of course, we did…Joe was paying. More free beer for me! My friends and I went to his apartment and the four of us sat on his couch facing the TV and drank our beer. I stared at the beautiful, romantic table-for-two setup Joe had in his kitchen: wine glasses, cloth napkins, and pink candles. I swear we must be meant for each other.

May 11, 1999—Laura’s 20th Birthday
“Laura’s birthday party is going to be at Joe’s,” I said. “Just pizza and beer. Wanna come?”
“Nah, I’ll pass. I really don’t like Laura. She’s a dumb bitch,” Ryan said.
“Alright, give me a call sometime, hon. Bye.”
“Bye.”

I really wanted Ryan to come. I was falling for him again. It had been three years since we had dated. Oh, well, I’ll have fun tonight.

We all sat around with our pizza and our beer, on the couch facing the turned-off TV, our usual post. Joe started to rub my thighs. I moved his hands, but he was pretty persistent. I didn’t really care…I’m used to guys touching me when I don’t want to be touched.

He unzipped my pants and shoved his hand down them. “Joe!” I cried.

Rich and Laura laughed, and said, “Hey, doll, we’re going to get going now, talk to you later.”

“Wait! Don’t leave me yet! I’m coming, I’m coming,” I said, exasperated.

I stood up to zip up my pants, and Joe grabbed me and threw me over his shoulder. “Aaaah! Help!” I cried jokingly. He threw me onto his bed and locked the door. I kissed him some, and he wouldn’t let me get up. Laura kept saying they were leaving I kept saying no. Finally, I got up and ran out to Laura. I made some lame excuse, kissed Joe goodbye, and went with Rich and Laura to her house.

Once we got to the house, I realized I was a little tipsy and Rich and Laura wanted to go back to Rich’s to have sex. So I decided I’d like to go to Eat N’ Park. I called Joe, and he said he’d go with me. I picked him up and we drove to Eat N’ Park. We sat in the parking lot, and he tried to kiss me but I wouldn’t let him. We just sat and talked a lot like we always do. We decided we weren’t hungry and there was beer at his house, so we left.

Back at Joe’s, I had another beer. My buzz had worn off and I was in need of some more alcohol. We just sat on the damn couch and stared at the blank TV and listened to music. It was quite boring.

Suddenly, Joe started to kiss me. I kissed him because I’d kissed him many times before…it was no big deal.

February 8, 2000—Journal Entry
I keep thinking about Joe. I keep running over and over that night, May 11, 1999. Was it my fault? Was it as severe as I think it was? Was it really rape? “Joe, stop. Joe, stop. Joe, stop, stop, stop, no, stop, Joe, no, stop it, get off me, don’t, stop, stop, Joe!” Somehow I kept him from getting my shirt off. “Joe, stop!” But he had trouble getting his dick in me, and by that time I knew it was going to happen either way, and he said, “I could use some help here.” Like he was doing all this work for me. “No, don’t.” Fuck you, Joe. So, to the point, I put his dick in me. I helped him in his quest to defeat me. And then I clung to him, in some fucked up attempt to gain comfort from him while he thrust himself into me, harder and deeper and more goddamn painful every time. God, it fucking hurt—so badly it made my stomach hurt. I couldn’t breath, and I tried to yell, but then I realized that’s why his shoulder was over my mouth and nose. I was crying—he would! ’ve heard me if the music hadn’t been so loud. Tears ran down my expressionless cheeks. And then it was over. He wanted to hold me, but I was shaking so badly and trying to get up. I couldn’t stop shaking. Damn, I’m still shaking. But even after he violated everything I am, he needed to hold me. And in a way, I wanted him to. Maybe it would make it all go away. He wouldn’t let me get up, but finally I got him off me. After I pulled my pants up and put my shoes on, I said, “I’ll call you later,” and I tried to leave, but he wouldn’t let me go. He came and kissed me and tried holding me there but I beat him off me and left. I couldn’t even walk. I was shaking, and when I got in my car, I cried. Not a lot, but tears just came out, and “oh my God” kept pouring out of my mouth. Why’d he do that shit? What did I do? Why couldn’t we just have dated? I probably would’ve fucked him eventually. I thought he was different from the other guys I’d had crushes on, and da! mn I was right for once—I just didn’t realize that he was different in such a horrible, twisted way. And for some goddamn reason I miss him. I keep thinking about him. I want to call him, or to stop by his apartment, or just something. I don’t even know. Was I raped? Was it that bad? Answer me, you fucking book!

Amanda
AIM: cloe221




 
 
 
 
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