My 6 birthday and my mom step dad uncle and me went to a bar.
I wanted to play mrs.macman so i asked my paents for 25 cents and they
told me they had no money to go ask uncle so i did he said if you be
good to me tonight and I said yes.....thatnight we got home and my
parents passed out and uncle came to me in my room while I was sleeping. he
layed down next to me and i woke up he was naked...i roled over but he
stopped me and took my jammies off and said "you said you would be good
to me tongiht" he got down by my privates and started well ya know his
whiskers kinda hurt the inside of my legs. he got on top of me and had
intercouse with me it hurt so bad I tried to cry but just layed there
in pain when he was done he got the knife and cut me down there and cut
me on my right breast....he then licked the blood off me...he said to
me "Happy Birthday ***** this was the best present you got huh" don't
ever tell anyone because if you do i will find you and I will kill you!
...this happned every night for two years not the cutting but the
intercousre I was taken away whe i was 14..tht is all i can type right now
I was raped at a former guy friend's house. I wasn't supposed
to be there. I was drinking there and everything was fine until I laid
down to pass out. I don't remember exactly when he came in or how long
I was lying there before I opened my eyes and saw him there. When I did
open my eyes, my pants and underwear were down to my ankles and an
older guy that I know was on top of me. I remember feeling pain, it hurt, I
didn't want it. I remember saying it hurt but it seemed to come out in
a slurr. My protests were nothing but meaningless slurrs. I couldn't
move. I felt like I had no control of my body. I still feel like he
thought I wanted it. I feel like if I didn't drink I would have had control
and I could have been smarter. I felt so sad and angry the next
morning. I didn't know how to feel. I was so confused. I questioned it being
rape. I thought that maybe he just took advantage of me and it was no
big deal. When I told my story to a friend she said it was rape and gave me the support I needed to tell my mother. Unfortunatly this
"friend" told everyone about the incident and made me out to be a liar. My
family knows and they believe me, and so does my best friend who happens
to be a guy. I feel guilty because these people have given me so much
support and care and I still find it hard to trust them. Since what
happened I've had so many feelings. I know that I'm only at the begining of
the path to healing but I am trying and it feels good to know that I'm
not alone.
Stacy
My story... makes me feel like it's just that, a story. That's what I
wish it was. I was in grade nine, at a rough high school, and just
starting to make "new" friends...
Because I am a studious student...I was in the library a lot, and I
didn't want people bothering me. This guy kept coming up to me and
talking to me, I was blowing him off, I didn't like him. He started
following me, and saying hi to me all the time... I felt sort of special...
after all he was older... I still didn't want to date him, until my
friend Troy (not changing any names in this story, these people deserve all
they get) told me that Jason was a great guy, and I should at least
get to know him. Taking his advice into consideration, I wasn't being
such a bitch to him anymore. He gave me his number... didn't call it but
I kept it. Ended up giving him my number one day at school, and he
asked when to call... I told him to call at 5pm, and right on the dot he
called. I was impressed... and he seemed to be very nice... we talked a
couple times now and again. One night I had my best friend in the
world over, and we had both been talking with him, he ended up asking me out, and I didn't really know what I wanted, but I said sure, why
not? I can always break up with him if I don't like him anymore. Right?
Well for the week after that he was really nice, but way too touchy
feely for me. I confronted him about that and he left me a lone. He
bought me a Christmas present, though we'd only been dating for a couple
weeks... at the most. We talked all the time, every day. I opened up to
him... I trusted him. He ended up coming with us(my family) to a big
New Years Party (2000) although I don't celebrate New Years because I'm
Wiccan, and it comes at another time for me... I was up for a party.
I'm allergic to alcohol, but that night it didn't stop me from drinking
way to much for me. I was sick all night. We had to sleep in the same
bed as there was no others available. When I was completely drunk he
started taking advantage of that, he said he wanted to kiss every inch
of my body... but I was too drunk to get up and leave. He didn't go down on me because I was on my period... I have never been so god damn
happy to be bleeding ever... He carried me to the bathroom that
night... every time I was sick... and I thought that was sweet... okay I'll
give you some size figures (I'm 4" 11 3/4, and 97 pounds... he was 5" 7
and at least 170) so I had no control over anything... physically at
least... I was always afraid of rape... two fears in life, rape and the
sound of balloons being popped... hurts my ears... Back to my "story."
After 3 weeks, he started fingering me, I told him I didn't want him
to, he said I'd like it. I didn't like it, but he'd get really upset if I
didn't co-operate... even then I was scared of him. After about a
month he wanted me to give him hand jobs. I didn't want to do this either.
He would force my hands on him... I said I didn't want to and I wasn't
ready, he said that there was no other way to be ready. What a lie.
So I did, but I made him bleed with my finger nails... I didn't mean to but he got angry with me for it... He continued to make me do
this often... He stopped coming over, and wanted me to go over to his
house, because no one was ever around there... and they didn't care
anyway. Things like this kept persisting. After a couple months... he wasn't
satisfied with just that... so he'd perform oral on me against my will.
Then he started wanting me to perform oral on him... I didn't want to.
That didn't really matter to him... I'm going to mention something
gross, sorry. He wasn't a very clean guy. When he'd make me give him blow
jobs I could smell the shit on his ass. I couldn't stand it... it made
me feel sick... I never wanted to do anything with him ever... still I
came over though... like a stupid young girl... innocence... God I'd
give anything to have that back... He started fingering me when I
wouldn't do anything him, it hurt so much... so I bought lubrication... it
helped, it didn't take away all the pain, but it stopped the tearing of skin, and the bleeding. Soon after that, he made me use if for
him. He also wanted oral sex more often, so I bought flavoured
condoms... if I was going to have to do it, I was going to do it safely. He
wouldn't let me use them, he said he couldn't feel it. He also said that
if I knew how to put condoms on I was a slut. I wasn't a slut, I just
read a lot. I went so far as to go on the net to look up information
on outter sex (hand jobs and fingerings) and oral so that he'd be
happier. I gave him some information on fingering, trying to hint at that
it's supposed to be enjoyable. He didn't take that hint. He started
wanting to do 69ers. I didn't want to do that... never did I want to do
that. He'd move me into position... and put his dick near my mouth... I
didn't want that. I'd cross my legs... but he was stronger than me,
no matter what I did, it didn't work. Saying no didn't help either. He
broke a my favourite pants one night when I told him no and he didn't listen. He put a hole in his wall that night... scared me to
death... gave me a bump on the head... I still can't remember how that
happened... he said it was an accident. He cried to me and told me he was
sorry. I believed him. This happened all the time. After a while all
of this wasn't enough. He didn't want to have vaginal intercourse...
but anal. He used the lubrication I bought, and he fingered my ass with
it. Then he started raping me anally. I said no, he didn't care. I
stopped saying no. I got scared, and he wouldn't listen anyway. This
happened a lot... he never used a condom... I felt the sperm seep out of
my ass after walking... and run into my underwear... I felt so dirty.
I never got over this feeling... After he had become used to this
feeling he decided that it was time for sex... I wanted to have sex... just
not with him, or then. I crossed my legs... and refused to take off my
clothes... I tried to leave... that didn't work. It was our six month anniversary... I was newly 15... I didn't want this... he
promised at least 16... I didn't even want sex with him anymore... I can't
believe I ever even said I loved him... That wasn't love it was fear.
That night continued on. He tried to rape but he was to small to be
able to do it conventionally when I was trying to keep my legs closed...
so he made me go on top. He bruised my hips by holding me down on
him... I couldn't cry... I didn't even associate myself with this... I knew
it was a rape though. The next day I told my friends, and broke up
with him. My friends believed me at first... and wanted to get him in
trouble... they told everyone at school. He went to the principal and
told him we broke up and he didn't know why. The principal called me down
to the office... and talked with me separately... but thought we should
sort things out and get back together... I told the principal that he
was abusive, he said it happens to everyone and I should get used to it... I didn't tell the principal everything because I didn't feel
comfortable doing so. I ended up talking with the guidance counciller...
she was my saving grace... she gave me phone numbers... and support...
I went to my locker...and there was a note... the asshole went in my
locker after we broke up and left me a note... he said he was sorry, and
he thought I wanted it... I showed this to the guidance counciller she
said he was playing head games with me. He was. My friends started
taking his "side" (if there is such a thing) and telling me I was lying,
and that I wasn't raped... after all I was on top... I could have
left... they started harrassing me, making me feel worthless. I didn't get
help. We ended up going back out. He'd come over at 2 am to fuck
around... I didn't want to, but I didn't want to lose my friends either.
They stopped talking to me anyway... I needed someone. He gave me a
bladder infection from the first rape (I was on birth control... and oddly enough he used a condom...) I was really sick from the bladder
infection and really sore as well... I had a lot of tylonol in me... can't
take them either... it knocked me out... I awoke with a nake guy on
me.. beginning to try to have sex... again with a condom for some odd
reason... again he couldn't have sex conventionally... so at my own house
he made me go on top.. bruised me and I in too much pain to even begin
to resist it... He watched wrestling while he raped me. He came over
the night after that and raped me anally again. He did this with my 10
year old brother in the next room. I still dated him after this... he
stopped calling as often though... he was out with other female
friends... my grandma died on my little brother's birthday... and I couldn't
cry... I was in so much pain that it hurt to cry. I felt horrible. I
called him upset, he said she was dead and there was nothing I could do
about it, so I should just get over it. He started making fun of my religion, and such things... I started work the next day. My first
day on the job... I found a friend. Russ. He saved me... I couldn't do
anything for my current situation... but he was my only friend. We
talked all the time. I never told him of the things that Jason did to me,
but he took me away from it all. Jason and I broke up a week later
because he said I was working too much and he wouldn't see me... 2
shifts... 4 hours each. He had a crush on someone else... and was starting to
date her behind my back. He accused me of fooling around with Russ...
I was in shock... I couldn't even conceive of things like that. I had
a friend... the only one that I could have after he abollished
everything else I had. We broke up for the last time. I ended up switching
high schools. I went to my new high school, and didn't want to make
friends, not after my last "friends". I was not going to suffer friends
puerile cruelties. I started having anxiety attacks... also called panic attacks... at work, and at home... I lost my job. I switched back
to my old high school... he smiled at me, and it reminded me of when he
told me that his reasoning for everything was because I deserved it. I
saw him 4 times in that half day I was there... I left... I went back
to my other high school... where I'm on probation... because they don't
agree with students switching high schools that often. I started
dating this great guy named Dan. Things were going great until we started
getting serious... I started falling for him... that's when I started
remembering all that I had repressed... and the second vaginal rape...
I had blocked that out completely... we broke up. I loved him... but I
was so scared... and so alone. He was the most supportive person I
could have met but I don't think that I could have someone around me... I
was in too much shock. I started asking for help. Last night I
finally told my parents most of everything... I'm getting help now, and maybe one day I will have the courage to prosicute him.
Just one note... If you're not sure if it was a rape, but you can't
classify as it as voluntary, it was a rape.
Skyla Wolfire
I was sexually abused by my mother's then-fiance for about 5 years,
from third to 8th grade. It started soon after he moved in with us, and
even though he was caught once after about 2 years, and went to jail for
3 months, my mother was conviced that he only did it then because he
was drunk, and she let him back in. He apologized to me in front of my
mother and said he was very upset with himself. That proved later to be a
lie because it started again a week later. Some of the worst memories
are the ones that I somehow feel I could have changed. I keep thinking
that maybe had I locked my door that night, or if I hadn't worn that
dress, it wouldn't have happened. I have to remind myself that even if I
had locked my door, I still would have had to come out sometime...
I am now a junior in high school, and on my long and winding road to
recovery. I have learned to deal with my flashbacks, and even after
being told over and over again I would never be loved by anyone, I have
found someone to help me, and is always there for me when I need him.
There are times that recovery seems like a very lofty goal, but I know that
I am on my way, and I can do it. If you know someone going through
sexual abuse, please encourage them to talk. Unlock the silence.
Courtney
AOL IM: secretstigmata
I was raped when I was 17. I was brought up that you never dated untill
ready for marriage. Well my neighbor was 9 years older than me. My
best friend and I played softball and was practicing on the side of my
parents house
when I hit the ball into his back yard. Well I went to go get it and
his friend and him chased me back there and started squirting me with
the water gun. Well they wouldnt let me out of there yard. The had a
wooden fence so you couldnt see in or out. My
best friend Didn't know what was taking me so long so she left. I was
a virgin. They took turns one holding my hands and the other raping
me. It hurt so bad and I screamed but no one heard me, After they
finished raping me they tried to force there penis in my mouth but I bite
them and they punched me till I
obeyed them. I still see these guys every day anf unfortuanlly I still
deal with the guys. I am in the processing of moving and not telling
anyone. I have a daugther by one of them and dont know which one. I
can't bring myself to tell my parents I was raped because they would
belive that I
brought it on myself
guapa8@hotmail.com
I call mine "nonrape" because the R word is so strong,
and it's too scary to associate myself with it. I was always shy and
had dated in high school but never anyone seriously. He was my first
boyfriend... I was 18. We had only been together for two weeks. His parents
were out of town and all our friends were at a party at his house. We
were watching a movie and he asked if I wanted to go someplace quieter,
so we went to his room. We were kissing on his bed and he started to
unzip my jeans and I didn't say anything. Everyone had been drinking
there, including us. When he started I said no, I'm not ready, I said it a
couple times but he acted like he didn't hear me and kept going. After
that I just lay there. It hurt so bad that I tried to push him off my
hips with my hands but it didn't help much. I hate myself for not doing
more to try to stop it. He didn't use a condom. I had been on the pill
for 2 years to regulate my period, so thankfully I didn't get pregnant. I remember that I was still bleeding the next day. Since then I've
avoided most guys, and the couple that I have gone out with I blew off
before it got serious or intimate. I couldn't trust anyone enough to
let them touch me I still can't and I don't know if I ever will. I
started cutting myself awhile ago, it made me feel like I had control over
my body at least a little bit. Now I can't stop. It was only a month or
two ago that I even remembered that I said no. I thought all this time
there was just something wrong with me, like why couldn't I get over
it? Then more stuff started coming back to me, like my best friend
telling me that he told her boyfriend he was going to have sex that weekend,
like his friend talking to me online after we had broken up asking me
if he'd forced me to do anything I didn't want to do (I said no because
I thought he hadn't). I thought rape was only something that happened
with a stranger who puts a gun or knife to your head, or some sleazy guy at a bar who puts something in your drink. I still kind of see it
that way, which is part of the reason why it's so hard for me to talk
about it. Tori's helped a lot, but I still have no idea how to start
healing from this. Thank you for letting me get this out.
allison
IM: bloodcanbepretty
