I will tell just one that sticks in my mind. One I have never told so this is a final release. I saw your story a while ago on 20/20 and it made me realize that I can tell this now. It's ok. I thank you. I was abused when I was younger but I think that I am 90% past that. For some reason, this was the last straw. I always drank to numb feelings and did some drugs -but mainly it was alcohol. I do not do any of these things now. I am mostly happy with who I am. I was in college in 1988 and he was a handsome soccer player. Most details aside, I ended up on my back, in the mud, behind a fraternity - next to a regularly used path. All I could think of was how anyone could walk by and see us and that I was totally mortified. If anyone did, no one of course stopped. I know he bragged about it. I felt it was my fault, I deserved it, I was drunk that's what I get. I remember just how cold it was and how much I hurt. Inside and outside. How he just tore me to pieces - emotionally and physically. I thought how can this nice person do this to me. What a bad judge of character I am. I remember just looking at the stars and turning my head to see the wet grass and weeds on the side of me and just wanting it to be over. I still feel the cold, dampness of the ground and how sore I was. I was so upset that I left that school the next semester and came home. I was too embarassed when I would see him. I threw away my clothes, covered in mud and still remember what I wore that night. A nice lavendar sweater and jeans. I moved out at 20 and that was it. I never told my parents the real reason I came home, they wouldn't have cared - they would have placed the blame on me. I have struggled to go to school on my own ever since. They wouldn't have believed me. They mentally and physically abused me also. I have had my up and down days, but I have learned that I am not at fault. The black shadow I remember stalking me when I was a child is gone. That is what I characterized the abuse as a figment - a shadow that it never really happened. I became somewhat of a "hermit" for 4 to 5 years. Hating to socialize luckily - keeping the circle of friends that I have who love me. I am pretty much healed, however, I still have problems with opening up for relationships. I am finally ready at 31. The abuse is behind me and I can finally say that I am beautiful and feel sexy. It has been a long road but I wouldn't be me and I have to be proud that I am still here. I am glad I never managed to kill myself. Suicide wouldn't have been the solution. There are too many beautiful things to look forward to. To everyone....be well and know that we can all make it through this. Hold yourself high and love yourself. We all have an inner light that keeps us fighting.

Amy



The same issues over and over again... thinking I deserved it... wondering why he did it... how he saw me... if he planned it... if he ever thinks of me now... if I gave him the wrong idea... I should be over this by now.

I feel him here
above me
beside me
inside me
tearing me apart
into the fragments
that I see in the mirror
when I close my eyes

The him is my aunt's fiance. Well, actually, he's her husband now from what I hear. I can't believe she married him. I can't hate him and I can't understand him and I can't forget the way he looked at me.

It was 6 years ago. I was 15. He gave me beer after beer until I'd had about 6. Not that I finished any of them. He never gave me time to finish one before he brought the next.

I didn't want anything to happen. But I didn't stop it from happening either.

He didn't rape me (well, maybe according to the technical definition, but what I mean is that it was not sex). My aunt walked in before he had a chance. I don't think he would've taken it that far.

I told my mother and the police but it never went to trial. I haven't seen my father's side of the family since.

He said I was a "good girl". He made me promise not to tell. It sounds like a made-for-tv movie... so cliche.

I have trouble enjoying sex. I tend to either go numb or start crying. Until recently, I thought it was a major accomplishment if I could just make it through without completely detaching.

But, the other night, a girl I've been dating said to me, "If you don't enjoy it, you're letting him win."

I'm not sure I agree with her completely, and I know I have to take things at my own pace, but what she said made me realize that I need to raise my expectations.

Just "getting through it" is not enough. I want to/deserve to enjoy it. I'm capable of enjoying it again. I need to continue to heal.

I will get over this.

Christy



It was my best friend. Two days before my birthday. Two days before a Tori show.

He was prodigy poster boy for the ultimate fuck up. Alchoholic, manic depressive, suicidal misfit. He'd call me crying from a bridge or the bathroom and I'd talk him back down to earth. We spent two years cheering each other up, acting as pillars,as springboards, making crazy faces. He'd come and pick me up in his red jeep and we'd barrell down the highway with punk and ska blaring through the speakers, shrieking and hollering.

Nobody liked him or trusted him. 'Don't trust him, I have a bad feeling..' a boyfriend said to me when he met him. But I did because he had always been so sweet to me. I had heard stories about what he had maybe done to others, and a girl I knew accused him of trying it on while she slept but she was a pathological liar and no one really believed her. He was way down when he called that night. Lower than low. I told him to come over and we'd have tea in the garden,as usual. He talked I listened, we agreed he needed to go to AA. I put the phone book next to the phone with intention of ringing the next day. He said he was too sad to go home so I said 'stay.' I put on Tori (we were both obssessed) and got into bed and he came too. I has shared a bed so many times with my male friends that I automatically assumed he would be safe so I put my head on his shoulder and went to sleep.

I woke up later to find out that the girl who everyone thought had lied, was actually telling the truth. Only he had gone much further this time. Paraletic shock I think is what you call it when all of a sudden you cannot respond to any outside stimulie. My brain was shrieking at me to move, to pretend sleep, to scream. My heart was silent. And as he finished he said ' you wake up I kill you'. My best friend. I don't remember much else.

The next morning he asked for coffee so I made him some. I said something about what happened and he looked at me blankly and said 'it's perfectly natural between friends.' Naive idiot that I am I didn't not respond.

I decided very quickly I was not to be a victim. I went to the Tori show and it served as therapy for the moment. I told no one for a long time. I built a cocoon to hide it in. The other month it all fell apart. I am now picking up the pieces. I don't think my friends know how to deal. Sometimes I don't either.

The act I can get over. The breach of trust I can't. Losing my closest friend because he viewed me as a fleshhold raher than a threshold. The feelings of pure idiocy on my part for actually trusting him so fully and so completely I can't. The thing is I think I knew all along what he was really like. And I let him in anyway. What does this say about me? I am trying..... High maintenance.

Jenny



I am at work right now, but I just have to get this off of my chest. After reading everyone elses story here, I thought I should add mine and let everyone know what I went through. I dont really feel comfortable using my name, so lets just call me Kittty, since I love kittens. Anyways, I met "Shawn" (not his real name) in 1996, during labor weekend at a party. A couple of weeks before I turned nineteen I thought I met the man of my dreams. He was so sweet, nice, and treated me like a lady. I sometimes felt like I was in fairy tale and I would wake from this dream. "Shawn" and his friends came down for the weekend to party at where I lived. So I spent the whole weekend with him. But when the last day came for us to spend time together I was really sad because I thought it was over. But "Shawn" told me he still wanted to keep in touch with me and who knows what we would lead to. So "Shawn" and I kepted in touch for almost a year. "Shawn" and his friends would com! e down and we would hang out. Everything seemed to good to be true. All of a sudden he changed. One weekend he was down with his friends, I went visited him with my cousin and she wanted to stay longer, so he was going to give me a ride home. So we started making out in the car and he wanted me to perform oral sex on him and I kept refusing. Until finally he just grabbed my head and pushed me down to his penis and made me perform oral sex on him. At that time, I felt grossed out and I just wanted to go home. So then me and "Shawn" didnt speak for a while, until one day my cousin called me and told me he was coming down with his friends during the weekend of 4th of July. I thought to myself, whatever happened in the past should remain in the past. I thought maybe if I saw him this time things would be different. My problem is I am to much of a nice person and forgiving. So anyways, I went with my cousin and our friends to see him and his friends. Everything was good. The night ! before "Shawn" and his friend were going to go home, my mom and I ended up getting in a big fight. I was going to sneak out that night to go see him, so I had my screens off. But my mom walked in a found out and she told me I had to leave my door opened for the night and I couldnt close my door. I should of known this was a sign from god for me to not go see him. But did I listen? I go fuck that I have to go see him. He "cares" for me. He likes me and we might have something together in the future. I was nineteen and naive then. He just sweet talked me so much I thought he really liked me. So it must of been around 12 or 1 i dont remember the exact time, I paged my friends, I put in my code and I snuck out threw the backyard. I remember how fast my heart was pounding. I was planning on not even going home and just leaving with him and his friends. I was so mad at my mom and I just wanted to teach my family a lesson. But guess who learned a lesson that night? So my friends and ! I got to there hotel room. It was like more then 20 of them and like 5 of us. But see we trusted these guys since we always have hung out with them. So we got to there room and it was all fogged up cause everyone was getting high and/or drunk and some were passed out. There was a knock on the door indicating that we were so loud, so some of the guys went to another room and just chilled or slepted. While the rest of us just chilled. So within half an hour, someone was pounding hard and one of the guys peaked through the curtains and it was the cop. So like 10 of us went and hid in the bathroom so we wouldnt get arrested. The cop wanted to check the bathroom but one of the guys acted like he was using the restroom. So the cop finally left. My heart was pounding so fast, I didnt want to get arrested and go to jail. So everyone was leaving the bathroom and one "Shawns" friend made a pass at me, but i just ignored it. So me and "Shawn" just were sitting and hanging out with everyo! ne else, having a good time until he whispered in my ear that he needed to "talk" to me in the bathroom. I didnt think anything of it. I asked him if he wanted to go outside, but it was to cold to "talk" outside. So we went in the bathroom and he started kissing me and the next thing I knew my pants and underwear were coming off. I told him we shouldnt do this, and he told me everything was going to be ok. I told him I was a virgin and I didnt want to have sex. I wanted to leave but he was blocking the doorway and I didnt want him to get violent with me. So the next thing he starts doing is wearing a condom. He then started kissing me roughly and he was pulling on my hair. I told him to stop and that he was hurting me. Did he listen, yah right. All of a sudden, I felt something riping me inside, It was a burning feeling and I felt like i was going to die. I told him stop, and he continued on pushing it in more and more deeply. I wanted to cry, but I couldnt. I finally yelled,! but did he stop? Nope, he continued on until he finally felt like stopping. I just sat there and thought what just happened to me. When i got up I was bleeding like a river. I got so dizzy and i almost passed out. I just seen my blood everywhere. "Shawn" just wore his pants and said he was tired and wanted to go sleep. I just stood there helpless and in pain. I finished the whole roll of paper tissue just whiping my blood off. I then jumped in the shower to clean myself and i was still bleeding. I thought to myself, what is wrong with me, am I dying. When i finally got out of the bathroom, all his friends just looked at me and acted like they didn't hear anything. All my friends were drunk and out. I just sat there quietly and speechless. I didnt know what to do. After the night I never talked to him. I told my best friend what happened with him and I, and she told me he raped me. I just looked at her and said what are you talking about, he likes me. She told me that if I tol! d him to stop and he didnt then that was rape. I finally woke up and came to my sense that he did rape me, sad to say, I didnt even think of it that way cause I thought he cared about me and wanted to be with me. So me and him never spoke after that. I was in tears everyday. I just wanted to forget it ever happened, but was I able too? Nope, I wasn't healthy. I met some guy that went to school with, who played baseball and me and him hit it off. One night I went to his house, and he started kissing me and I just started crying and I told him to get away from me. We didn't last at all. I tried going to the doctor to get myself checked and right when the doctor wanted to check me I start yelling and screaming and begging my doctor to stop cause it started hurting me. My best friend was very supportive towards me, she never pushed me away or rolled her eyes. She just hugged me and listened to me crying everytime. I started blaming myself for what happened. I thought to myself if ! I never snuck out this would of never happened and I started thinking I wanted it. Now it is the year 2000, and I still think about it here and there. I met this wonderful person in my life and i told him what happened to me. I thought i was over it, but i guess I am not. Anytime we tired having sex, I would start panicing and begged him to stop and the sweetie that he is, he did and didnt ask questions. I love him alot, but I dont know if I can ever have sex with him. I always have flashbacks with what happened to me. A guy that I trusted raped me. He took something valuable away from me. I could never go back and change time. I just have to be strong and I have come to realize it was not my fault at all. I had seen "Shawn" last year in September at a party and he just ran up to me and talked to me. I couldnt believe it and asked me if I wanted to go with him somwhere and I said hell no and i told him I had to leave. Then in June of this year (2000) "Shawn" called me and aske! d me when are we going to "hit it" again and laughed. I was like you bastard and since then I haven't spoken to him. It took me 2 1/2 years for me to meet a real gentlemen who cares about me and isn't pushy with me. I just want everyone to know out there, it is NOT your fault. When you say no, it means NO. Don't be afraid to tell someone. I want to be OUT THERE FOR EVERYONE WHO IS A VICTIM, CAUSE I AM A SURVIVOR. If you feel like you don't have anyone to talk to, please feel free to email. I will get back to ASAP. Please think positive and know IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. All my love goes out there to the survivors and God Bless You All.

KA



I was molested by a nieghbor for 4 years of my childhood between the ages of 8-12 it started out with me and my friend "melissa" going over to his house to hook school and shoot pool or riding his lawn mower. One day we were shooting pool just me and him and he made the stakes that if i loose i had to give him 50 hugs and kisses and if i won i got 50 cents when i was 8 50 cents was alot of money so more or less i lost the game. Halfway through our hugs and kisses he walked away and left me standing alone when he came back he said do u know why i had to leave? I said no he said that i had made him cum and that was a good thing then gave me 10 bucks. He began doing this to my friend melissa too. He began giving us 20 bucks after each time we were over, he began having oral sex with us and so on. Like i said this went on for 4 years, then one day i got 2 other friends to go over to his house with me and he did the same with them. I guess i hoped that one of them would tell because i couldn't because while all of this was going on i was getting regular beatings at home from my dad and he would drop me off at places and tell me i was lucky if he came back to get me and finally my parents came to the conclusion that it was time for a divorce, which while i hated my dad i didn't want him to go!

Anyway one of my friends did tell but i counldn't be strong enough to say anything untill about a week before the trial date. I told the police about the money he would give me and they (actually a she) told me that was more or less prostitution and i wouldn't have a case i mean i was 12!! what the hell is prostitution??

I sat at my friend Kenny's house and we watched as the raided his house and found pictures of me and melissa in the nude and u know what he got? community service that's it because the night before the trial he finally told his side of the story i repeat "his side" i had to continue living across the street from this man untill i was 21 thats 9 friggin years then...

My friend's boyfriend raped when i was 18 while another guy watched which is funny cause thats the night i discoverd alcohol ( by the way he got his an ex-boyfriend of mine and his friend beat him up baddly with some bats) . I became an alcoholic at 18 i dropped out of school drank every night and had sex with strange men. I can't have sex with a guy if i'm sober because i cry but if i'm drunk i'm fine. And thats the funny thing i don't cry unless i'm having sex other than that i just feel anger. I tried to kill myself when i was 20 i totaled my car while on more than 30 sleeping pills and about 20 other pills i found in the house that night. I went to see a shrink and he was no help. I wish i was like most of u guys on here where i could just let go and get it out and be somewhat rid of it all. I still look to drunken casual sex as a closeness but yet i feel no closure. I'm giving my real email address to this so that somewhere out there can help me

Erin



This is my story.

My name is Krystal I'm a 16 year old girl and this is my story. I am now learning to cope with the sexual assult that happened to me on August 24,2000 and today is August 28,2000. I was and am so excited to be entering my final year of high school. Everything was going so wonderful in my life. I was on the provincial rugby team who had just won nationals 4 days prior, I was in early stages of infactuation with this boy who I just met at nationals. He was my own age just the type of boy I wanted in my life and then everything just went wrong on August 24, 2000. I had a rugby game that day and was really excited to play during the game i had a bad gut feeling that I just couldn't shake off. I wish I would listen to my gut more often. After the game I went to the club and started drinking I was going to get a ride with simona to the train station so i could get home but then one of my big brothers offered me a ride home and i accepted. I was so dumb to trust him but he was so much older than me. So I drank a little more then we decided to go to the bar with the guys. I knew stue (he's the one who offered me a ride home) I respected him. he was a big brother 8 years my senior. We got in the truck and i shut my eyes i soon woke up to him kissing me and we were about 3 min away from my house. i walked in and went to bed unaware that anything had occured. I woke up the next morning without any pain. My urine burned slightly but i thought it was nothing but drinking to much lemon water. I lived my life as usual going to work oblivouse that anything happened untill sunday. I was cleaning up my room because it was a disaster I had just gotten home after being away for a week and sunday was my first oppurtunity to clean my room. I was putting away all of my laundry and i just happened to pick up my panties that i had worn that night to my shock they had blood smears all over. I went straight to my mother and i had wanted to go to the hospitol now she declined set in her ways and wanted me to go to the family doctor the next day. I spent my whole day crying, praying and unsure. I then went to the doctor and sure enough my hymen was streched and a small peice was torn. My vagina is completley bruised and red he told me. I was raped acording to the doctor he was working really fast and cummed before he broke through. BLESS THE LORD FOR PROTECTING ME. I went home and confided in my closest friends. I'm not gonna hide I didn't rape my'self. Part of me feels like i havent changed and that I am still the same person and part of me feels different. My heart tells me I'm a virgin but my mind has been violated. I called the rape crisis center in complete shock and thay told me not to confront him like my doctor told me to do. I called the police as they instructed me to do and to my complete shock the police informed me that I could do nothing. I couldn't press charges because i was drunk and for all they kne! w he could've taken me to his buddy's house and he could've raped me the panties they wouldn't even take. I feel helpless and violated. A part of me wants him to feel what I'm feeling the HIV tests I have to take and the pregnancy test and maybee even the abortion, the disgrace on my person. I have been violated and I am not gonna cry alone in the dark I'm gonna speak out and be heard. I'm not alone and I am a person too. I'll make it my life long mission to help and educate young girls like myself and let them know I was nieve and was invisible once too. But being raped robs your inocence and makes you grow up and realize the worlds an awful place. First I need to heel and then I'll teach.

Krystal




 
 
 
 
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