Where to start... Well, I was molested by my brother Greg*, who is seven years older than me from the time I was seven years old until I think around the time I was thirteen. It only happened at night, and most of the time I would just pretend to be asleep. But I was awake most of the time. I would lie there in bed, dreading that he would come into my room. I "woke up" a couple of times before he started while he was in my room and asked him why he was there. He said that he was looking for something. I don't know why I'm writing this here. I'm 19 years old now and in my second year of college. I'm concerned. My brother is married now, and his wife's sister, who has a baby boy, lives with them. I suppose I'm concerned that he's going to mess with the baby. Maybe that's farfetched. Maybe what happened was just a result of his adolescent curiousity. I didn't tell anyone about this until I was sixteen years old. My best friend got raped walking down the street in h! er neighborhood and was telling me about it. I don't know why I told her. Maybe I was starved for attention. I didn't really think about the whole thing for a long time after it stopped happening. (The reason it stopped happening is that I moved in with my dad and Jason didn't live there) Anyway, what made it all come back to me is sort of funny, I think. I grew up in a charismatic, Bible-thumping, pew-hopping, dancing-in-the-name-of-the-lord type church. Well, there was a traveling minister there one night when I was about fifteen and he "prophesied" over me. He said something like he knew that someone I was close to and loved had hurt and betrayed me as a child. I couldn't for the life of me figure out what he was talking about. Anyway, it finally hit me, but it just seemed so unreal. Everything that happened with Jason and me was like a night-only type thing. It only happened when I was asleep in my bed. The next day we would go on as if nothing had happened. It didn't happen every night. The only time I remember acknowledging its existence in the light of day was one Sunday morning when I wanted to read the Sunday comics from the paper, and Greg wouldn't give them to me. And I just glared at him and thought, after what you did to me last night, you should at least be able to fork over the fucking comics. But I didn't say anything. And neither did he. Ever. I love my brother. He's my family, and I know that for him to do something like that to me, he must have problems. I don't know, maybe he doesn't. Maybe it was just a teenage thing, like I said before. I've never been to a counselor. I told my mom about it recently. Just sort of came up one night. I've always wondered if he did it to my other brothers. I'm best friends with my brother Frank's wife Brooke, and she's confided to me that Frank is really weird about sex. As in he doesn't like it. He's only 21. As far as I go, if you had asked me a couple of months a! go if I think that this experience has scarred me, my answer would have been no. Now, however, I'm having my doubts. I think about it a lot now. I didn't used to think about it much at all. I have problems in my relationships with guys. Not that I don't like sex. It's the complete opposite of that most of the time. I love sex. I masturbate constantly. Aren't you glad you asked? However, the only way I like sex is if it's rough and emotionless. I like to fuck. I refuse to have sex with anyone I know truly likes me. As long as it's a "you're drunk, I'm drunk, why not?" type thing, then I'm fine. I hate guys who like me and bring me flowers and confess their undying love to me. It just makes me shudder and want to just run away from them and never see them again. Isn't that horrible of me? I've talked to my mom about this - she and I are very close - and she wants me to go see this shrink that she saw when my little brother ran away. I'd like to go see him, but I'm trying not to get excited about it in case it doesn't pan out...these things usually don't. As far as Jason goes...I don't ever want to see him in prison or anything like that. Like I said, I love my brother, and I don't wish him any harm. However, there is a child in his household now, and watching Greg change that baby's diaper made me want to just grab the baby up and run away from Greg with him. I just want Greg to get some help. To make sure that it's not something that he'll do again. But I'll never talk about it to him. Ever. I'll just go on smiling and pretending to like him as much as I love him. Thanks for this site. I have no idea what other forum I could have said all this in. It's encouraging to know that I'm not the only person who has a brother twisted enough to molest his little sister.

*all names but mine have been changed.

Hannah



I am finally ready to start talking about what has happened to me in the past 20+ years. For so long I have kept silent, not telling a soul about what happened. I have been I guess dropping clues to my family when I pull away from them when they try to hug me goodbye. As far as I can remember my troubles started on the back of the school bus when I was in 4th grade. A big 6th grader (looked like a 19 year old who flunked 4 or 5 times) and two fifth graders were staring at me when the 6th grader jumped on me, tore off my shirt and started fondling me. He was screwing me through my pants, then the other two took their turns. While each one took their turns, the others pinned me to the seat. I can remember seeing a bit of the bus driver who did absolutely nothing. I ran off the bus after they let me up and ran home crying trying to hold my shirt together. The next day, after my mother called the principal-the boys did not get any punishment and I was not allowed to talk about the incident again. No one asked me if I was okay, no one cared. I went on with my life the best that I was able, though each day the ridicule and harrassment would continue, and in all actually, still continues today. I am the second oldest in the family, out of four girls. From that point on, I had not wanted to date anyone or kiss anyone but I longed for the affection. I use to kiss my pillow at night. Finally, I guess when I was near 20 I was set up on a date by a friend at the time. I was so tired of being single and even though this guy looked like an asshole, I decided, dating an asshole would be better than dating no one at all. A couple of months into our relationship (he was 33), he would start this thing where if I ever said no to him about anything at all, he would pull out his penis and make me suck on it and rub it until I got him off. We still had not had sexual intercourse by this time but that would cahnge all too soon. To make a long story short, he knew that I was scared about having sex since I kept flashing back to the fourth grade incident, so we got out a bottle of wine, took a relaxing bubble bath and just relaxed. He carried me into the bedroom where he started to go into me. I told him to stop but he just continued. Finally, after a few minutes he agreed and we went out on the couch to just cuddle and watch some tv. I had another glass of wine to try to calm down. I'm not sure if he slipped something into it but the next thing I know I was on the floor and he was inside me. I kept begging him to stop but he just held me down and would not until he was finished. After it was all over, he locked me out of the bedroom and i was forced to sleep on the couch the rest of the night. I wanted it all to go away so I just blocked it out of my mind. Needless to say, that was my first encounter of being raped.

From that point on, my life went down hill. Unfortunately, God has blessed me by giving me huge breasts. I thought maybe I was attracting all perverts but every guy I dated would somehow, in some way, assualt me sexually. Not to mention harrassment as well. It has followed me into the work place, no matter what my job was/is. I can honestly say that out of the 20 or so dates i have had since that point, most of them didn't get beyond the first few hours since they were all over me, out of all those, there has not been one time that I was ever treated like a lady...I was always groped, harrassed or raped. From police officers to doctors, from computer software workers to conveinent store managers...they were all the same. The last guy I dated was an absolute monster, in fact, I still fear for my life. I was so desperate to find a date that I joined a prestiguce dating service (yeah right!!!). I though he wasn't gonna be that bad, nice looking, seemed friendly over the phone and we planned to meet. We had a nice dinner and then he took me for a ride in his truck to show me the town. We went to the back of this creek called Marsh Creek. It was dark and desserted. I remember I was holding onto the door so tight I thought I was going to break it off. He turned off the lights, locked the doors (they were automatic) and turned off the truck. He then leaned over and whispered something to me that has stuck with me and that probably will for the rest of my life. He leaned over and said, " could you imagine that if anyone dumped a womans' body here, no one would ever find it". I thought that would be my last night on earth. He quickly tuned back on the truck and the lights and proceeded to drive back. He saw I was scared, I thought that my life would have been over that night, but he had something else in store for me...much more. He apologized and said he meant nothing by it and like a desperate idiot I forgave him and gave him another chance. He seemed to be a changed man and it was 3 months until things started to turn ugly again. We had not had sex yet and he seemed to be understanding. Eventually we had consenual sex, one night after dinner and a movie. He went slow and seem to understand why I was crying when he was making love to me. He assured me that he would stop when I asked him to, and he did. I didn't enjoy it at all, but I made it through. I was slowly gaining a man's trust back. We continued to have concensual sex for the next couple of months and gradually I grew to enjoy it. But 3 days after the last time we had consenual sex I saw a side of him that i had only seen that very first night we went out. I came from work and we were planning on going to dinner. He was running late. When he did arrive, he seemed okay and we went to dinner but since it was a working night and he had to get up at three in the morning, we cut it short. I kissed him goodnight and I guess that wasn't good en! ough for him. The next thing I knew he had me down on the bed ripping off my clothes. I begged him to stop and he just kept telling to shut the fuck up. He hit me a couple of times but stopped when I stopped crying and begging. This was the first of many rapes. In fact, everytime after that time, I always said NO. He was so overpowering though that "no" would not mean anything to him and he continually would rape me. I tried to break it off with him but that didn't work either. He actually said to me to remember our first date...when he said what he said about no-one ever finding a body in the back of marsh creek. Soon afer that I just gave up. I could not get away from him, no matter how i tried. This continued, even when I discovered that I had been pregnant and miscarried, the night I miscarried my first baby, he raped me. It was only three hours after I had come home from the hospital. He refused to wear a condom and I was on the pill but sometimes forgot to take it He told me i was lucky i lost the baby because if he found out i was pregnant himself, he would kill it and me himself There was one time a few months down the road that we where at his place and he was "doing his thing" when he noticed his roomate was home. He threw me into his closet and locked it, leaving me there, naked for an hour or so. When his roomate got in the shower or was asleep he opened the closet and let me out, told me to get dressed and hurry the fuck up about it. I was still getting dressed when he grabbed me and threw me down the stairs, and literally kicked me outside to the curb. After this point, a week later, he called me to say that it was over, he'd had enough of me. He took off to Chicago and that was the last I had heard from him until three years ago when I saw him back in the neighborhood. He kept all of my belongings that I had over at his place and still has not given them back to me. The abuse I suffered at the hands of this madman still haunts me today. All in all, since 4th grade, I have been raped over 30 times, have been groped/assualted about 75 times or so, from bosses to strangers...harrassed, I can't count how many times. I have given up on men. My family can't understand why I don't like hugs or to be kissed when they say goodbye to me after a weekend-till the next. I have a tough time hugging my brother-in-law and my sister's boyfriend. I can't stand affection of any kind/my family thinks I am gay but I am not. I can't stand touch of any kind, by anyone. I had written a journal about my life, consisting of 13 or so typed pages of my experiences with men. Right now, I am dating someone but he is married with 5 children, the oldest is my age. I know this is not right but we have the best relationship. We hug, kiss and make-out a little, we have oral sex but not intercourse, he holds me when I need to just be held, and throughout the year that we have been seeing each other, he has never wanted to or never pressured me into having intercourse. He knows my past, he knows i need to overcome that in my own time, and he does not pressure me into doing anything I don't want to. He is truly the first real man I have had a relationship with. He truly is wonderful, though very married. As I said, I know this is wrong and we have been taking a break from eachother, not seeing as much of eachother as we use to. I love him, and I always will, but we both know what we are doing is not right. Tonight I vow to start trying again, not giving up on my dream of becoming a mother, overcoming my sexual fears and fears of being touched. I am going to give it my best shot.

This is not even 1/10th of my story of my experiences, but I don't want to take up a lot of room writing and I don't want to keep crying all over my keyboard so I will stop. Please, if you can, pray for me, pray that I can overcome these fears and feel good about my self again (or for the 1st time)...Please email me at "angeleyes_4u_99@yahoo.com" or "dyocom@prodigy.net" if you could help or you have a suggestions or if we could talk. I am also on ICQ, my number is 74211607. I could really use a friend right about now.

Dee



My name is raindrop and I have been violated by several men through out my childhood. the first time was when I was four. My memories of this are hazy but I do know that a man who was staying with us for a few days snuk in to my room at night and touched me. This happened a couple of times (as far as I can remember) and he r*ped me once. I didn't tell anyone because i was told that if I did the person I told would die...and I believed this. I thought it was a normal thing to happen.

When I was about 5 or 6 years old I used to get fruit and veg for my mum from a man in the mobile grocery...he used to give me and my sister lollys when we went to see him. Then one time i went on my own and he locked me in the van...again my memories of this are unclear but I am almost certain that he too r*ped me. He also forced me to do things to him and i did it because he was the adult and I was taught that adults are always right. Around the same time as this my Uncle started to abuse me, luckily at first I rarely saw him as he was abroad a lot of the time. But when I was 7 he moved in with his family to live with us...at first he would come into my room at night and touch me, then as time went on he started to make me do things to him...things got worse and he ended up r*ping me a few times also. I remember one time he was driving me somewhere in the car with my brother and he started touching me (i was in the front seat) whilst my brother was in the back...I have lots of big gaps in my memory about this ab*se...there are a lot of things that don't add up. This went on for about 8 years. When I was 7 or 8 I was assaulted in church by a man who took me to the toilets (I was feeling ill). He forced me in to or*l s*x and made me touch him. My cousin (the uncle who ab*sed me's son) also ab*sed me for a couple of years. I'm not sure how old I was.

At about 8 or 9 years old I met a really kind old lady who I trusted. I didn't know her very well but there was something about her that made me tell...I told her about what happened when I was four. She cried...I'm almost certain something similar happened to her. She was 94 years old and died 2 days after I told her.

The worst ab*se started when I was either 8, 9, or 10 (unsure). He was a man who I spoke to at the school gates a lot whilst waiting for my sister to come out of school (I guess you could call it the typical scenario...I often wonder how I could have been so blind as to fall in to his trap). Once he also saved my mothers life (before he started hurting me)...she skidded down a very steep icy hill in her car and he stepped out into the road and single-handedly stopped the car...if he hadn't been there my mum would've crashed in to a brick wall... He said that I owed him. He used to see me after school and in the holidays almost every day for about 2 years...he r*ped me almost every day. He told me that what he did was Gods will...that I was a sinner and had to be punished...that I was the one in the wrong and that I wanted it. He was part of a p**dophile ring and he was very clever at scaring me in to silence. One time he tried to force me and another boy (who was a year younger than me) in to having s*x. He didn't succeed but he made us do other stuff as well. He also r*ped the boy. He was a s*do m*ssochist and some of the things he did to me were so horrible I will never be able to describe...and a lot of this he filmed...or got a friend of his to...

I am 15 now and about a year ago I finally told a friend from school that something had happened to me...I didn't tell her much...and she introduced me to a counsillor she knew. I have been doing a lot of hard work with my c and I was doing pretty well until a few months ago I was violently ass**lted in the street and a few weeks later was ass**lted by a family friend. I have taken 5 overdoses in the last 2 months and am now a day-attendant in a psychiatric unit, where I will be for at least another 3 months. I have 2 psychiatrists and several therapists trying to help me through. I have OCD, depression, a so-far unnamed dissociation dissorder (they can't figure out the correct diagnosis), an eating disorder, insomnia, mild paranoia, and I self harm daily (cutting, burning, hitting myself, etc). I also suffer from anxiety and have regular panic attacks. I still feel guilty...I still feel as though I brought it on myself...I still blame myself...

But here I am telling my story...which is a huge step for me...I know now that there is some hope...however small there is always some...and, most importantly -

I HAVE SURVIVED.

Raindrop



well here i am writing to everyone and noone ... i am here to tell my story ... i guess i was raped 5 years ago i am just now talking about it ... the detectives came and found me one day and i started talking and it was as if i couldnt stop ... i started feeling as if it was all happening again .. i could smell him i could feel his breath i could feel his teeth on my neck ... i couldnt breathe i walked out of there office in some sort of schock and i felt so embaressed ... i had to come home and tell my family ,... i felt so ashamed so ugly i couldnt believe i was doing this sitting there face to face with my parents telling them i couldnt bring myself to go into details i still cant ... we went to court and i wouldnt let them come into the court room ... my sister did .... i was up there in front of complete strangers rambling about my expierence i was shocked to notice how much fun the guy was having laughing and smiling at his girlfriend who was in the courtroom also .. i was so embaressed i say that alot but i was god i was so humiliated to be up there in the middle of my testamony i looked up at my sister she was crying and then i started i couldnt stop i couldnt believe how much she was hurt by what happened to me ... i never realized how many other people are affected by whar happened to me .

i started a program with WOAR and i go to these sessions we talk and joke and i find comfort in the other girls there but inside i am screaming i want to cry all the time just cry and sleep but i cant i was blessed with a daughter and she needs me though times i feel like i cant handle her i love her with my whole heart ,,,,

i know i am jumping around so let me tell of my incident ... i went to his house only meeting him once i was only like 13 maybe 14 we went to his room we were listening to music i didnt think nothing of it when he locked his door he tried to kiss me i said no i pushed him away he kept coming at me though he touched my breast and i could feel my heart start to race i told him no again suggested to leave but he was on top of me by then he was so heavy leaning from my one leg to my other he somehow shifted my pants down and i yelled no no no but he didnt listen he began to pull his pants down and i became still watching as he put on the condom i began to cry i couldnt believe this was happenig not to me not to me ... he started to try to enter me and i was pushing my legs together but he kept pushing harder and harder until i stopped fighting i stopped and i lay there he pushed his way into me and i froze i was thinking of everything but that ya know i dont remember why but i sud! denly bit his neck at a feeble attempt to stop him he but me right back not missing a beat and i began to cry again thinking just kill me please let me die ... the minute he stopped i pushed him off me and pulled on my clothes i left and when i left i left everything i left my pride my favorite lighter at the time i left my self there on his bed i left me defensless and naive i left me and i ran i kept running for five years thru boyfriends and girlfriends thru friendships and school thru jobs and family thru sex and being alone thru endless nights of nightmares and crying thru drugs and alcohol i am not running anymore tori , this site , WOAR my family and my friends they are helping me slow my pace and they are helping me be a survivor not a victim ... i hope someone reads my stories as i have read others and decides to be survivor too ... thank you for listening

me



My story starts out the same as everybodies... I never thought it would happen to me!

I started a new job three weeks ago and finally began to make friends. Columbus day was really slow at work so most of us got to leave early. One of my friends from work told me if I was bored to meet him at this bar after work. I had worked all weekend and decided I really wanted to go out. I met him at the bar and we had a couple drinks. It started to get late and the bar was closing up. since we had been drinking a bit we decided to take a cab home, he told me his sister lived in the neighborhood close to mine. when we got closer we relized we were both still pretty awake. We wouldn't be falling asleep anytime soon so we decided to hang out at my house. I was stupid for being so trusting, but I thought he was my friend. We came inside and about 5 minutes later he was on top of me. I thought it was just the alcohol and I would just tell him no and he would stop. But instead he put his hands around my throat. I begged him to stop, I told him I would scream. But nothing stopped him. I screamed as loud as I could. No one heard, or no one cared to hear. So i bit him as hard as I could. But i just felt his hands tighter around my throat. I couldn't breath. At that instant I realized he could kill me. I was one of those women that I see in the TV movies. I never thought this would happen to me. I couldn't breath, I couldn't move. I was so scared. I didn't want to die. So i told him I would do what he wanted. I don't want to get into the horrible details of what he did to me, but because of the alcohol he couldn't preform so he did and made me do everything else imaginable. He told me we were going to get married and have children. Then he made me go in the shower with him. He stood behind me and put his arm around my neck and told me he could kill me, cut me into little pieces and no one would ever find me. I haven't been able to go in my shower again. It is suppose to be a relaxing place to get clean. But he made it such a dirty place. His hair is still in my shower. The incident lasted 8 hours or so. The entire time he was touching me and doing horrible things and making me do things to him. But the point is I survived, I am alive! What I went through was so horrible and I will never forget it but thank god i am alive! I pressed charges and am now waiting to see what happens next. He is suppose to be aressted Monday. The police don't think there is much of a case. they don't really believe me which is a horrible feeling. But today he left a note on my door apoligizing for that night, saying he isn't normally like what I saw. I think he is trying to play on my guilt. Hoping I will let it go. He has no idea I pressed charges yet. This letter is what could help me. This only happened 5 days ago but I see myself as a survivor.This is the first night I have stayed in my own home. I did what I had to to make it out alive and I am going to do everything I can to make sure he doesn't do this to anyone else. Nothing can change what happened to me, but if I can save somebody else from this hell then it is worth fighting for.

Annette



I thought he was my friend. But what he did made me sick and scared and changed everything i thought I knew forever. my dad brought him over for dinner one night, He was this new guy who had just started working in the building and apparently he was supposed to be a very good lawyer. being shy like i am, i didn't really like to talk to strangers so i was quietly tucked away in the music room playing the piano. he came in. he told me he liked to play the piano too. he showed me some new songs. As dad's admiration for him grew, the more and more i saw him & i looked forward to seeing him to learn more songs on the piano. he told me alot about his family his dad and stuff and i grew to trust him qite a bit. Dad had to go out one time and my brother went to the neighbour's. i was alone in the house and dad told me that as he lived close to us he could be coming over to check on me just to see if i was ok. and he did come. It was at that time of the year where there wa extra daylight so when he came and asked me to go to the park with him to play football i didn't think much of it. he took me to the park. we were playing football and he told me that we should take a break for a sec. we were sitting on a bench and he started to touch me an kiss me and i said for him to stop it he said "I like it, don't you?" and i said "no" and then he started to do it more, not listening to when i told him to stop it. i kept saying stop it and trying to get his hands away but he just kept doing it . i started to cry and he slapped me and told me to shut up or he would kill me. he grabbed my arms with one hand and held them tight and with the other hand he got ontop of me and got off my underclothes . I kept crying i didn't care if he killed me i wanted it to stop. He kept telling me to shut up and everytime i cried he would stop and slap me. He was so rough when he entered me i cried out because it hurt so much. he slapped me lots then. I remember the more i tried to get out the harder he gripped my arms. he slapped me lots when i cried. told me I deserved it, and that he would keep going untill i shut up. when he was finished he zipped his pants and left me there. I was just crying and crying and after a while i got up and tried to walk home. I don't know how i got home but i managed to even though by the time i got home i was bleeding heavily and i walked in to my mother who was home then and told her i was bleeding. she told me i was getting my first period.But i knew i wasn't. so I took off the clothes and hid them where no-one would find them. then went to the shower and washed and washed untill it was red down there and there were more bruises on the indside of my thighs, i cried myself to sleep. Praying and praying while i was awake for god to make it stop. 4 yrs later i still live the hell all over. I try to make it stop to heal to move on but i can't no matter what i do.

Melissa



it's strange. people always say that time will heal you. and that's true about colds, break-ups, and quarells. but it isn't at all true about rape. when you've been raped, time isn't on your side. it's also funny how you don't care about the shit in the world until it suddenly happens to you. rape can really change your perspective.

i'm living proof of this. when i was 7, someone was staying at our house overnight. i was up in my room, playing with toys and things. i was so involved with my games, i didn't know anyone was downstairs, talking to my parents. and if i'd known, i probably wouldn't have cared. it didn't affect me. or, i thought it didn't.

at about 9 pm, when i was asleep, the visitor entered my room. i awoke from the sound of the door. he undressed and slowly settled himself on my body. he gently touched me and began stripping me down. I felt him cum on me.

now, over 8 years later (which some would say is more than enough time), it hurts more than ever. i've been getting flashbacks of it so much lately. sometimes, all i can think about is that bastard fucking with me. i locked it away in my brain so well, i forgot it ever happened. but, it caused a lot of things i couldnt explain when i was younger that i can explain now that i remember. it explains the insomnia, the headaches, the depression, and the fear of people shouting at me which now is the only reason i do my homework. ive been telling friends what happened. we dont talk about it much, but thats really ok. i know that if it starts hurting again, they'll be here. and just the fact that they know is, suprisingly, a great comfort. my parents don't know, but that's all right. i don't really depend on them much.

but more people must know. i thought i was all better, but im not. there are times where i have to gather every ounce of strength to keep from crying. but i know i can get better. but not through time. through love.

feel free to email me. that's what i need right now.

paz



I have been here so many times before...and have left feeling as though I should do something, should embrace all these other survivors. God, it's as though my insides are burning just to help, understand, comfort and hold you all. I know...I understand you. I feel these things you feel and I have so many times tried to express the pain and the torment of my dreams. Every waking hour I live a life that people don't know...I live with fear and regret and doubt and guilt...and then night falls and I pretend to have slept a peaceful sleep, but really I have been awake all night, fighting away the monsters in my mind. And every word of every story here makes sense to me...though many are not the same as mine, for unique are each...still they bare such resemblance. I have a very long story...but I want to share only pieces with you...for I could get carried away in it if I do not distance myself from it as I tell it.

It was November of 1995, and I was just barely 20 years old. I was living in Tulsa, Oklahoma and working at a Waffle House, which is a 24-hour diner specializing in waffles...imagine that. It was cold that night. I remember the grass was covered with a thick frost, so it sounded as though you were stepping on glass. It was about 20 degrees outside and Winter had made itself at home in Oklahoma.

I had spent the early evening hours at my mom’s house visiting with her and my younger sister. Mom and I had made plans to go Christmas shopping early the next morning so I left around 9pm and went home to rest. At some point after I had gotten to my apartment I decided to go buy cigarettes, it was around 12:30 in the morning.

I grabbed my keys and drove to the corner and went into the store to buy my cigarettes, and as I started to leave a man called out to me. He was standing by the front door and he looked cold. He asked for a ride to his sister’s apartment. He said he was waiting for a cab and it hadn’t shown up in over an hour.

I felt sorry for the guy. I guess I should say that at this point in my life, I trusted everyone and thought everyone was generous and caring. I felt a little nervous but decided it would be all right to give him a ride. He got into my car and we started driving.

I didn’t know the area very well so I depended on him to tell me where to go, figuring he knew the way. Well, I thought wrong because he didn’t know where he was either. He said he had just moved to town a few months ago and was sorry he was a little lost. The roads were dark and deserted and I was really getting scared or nervous or maybe just feeling that something wasn’t quite right.

I finally stopped so he could call his sister and get directions because we were in the middle of nowhere and I was really tired of driving around. While he was at the phone I thought about locking my doors and leaving him there, but I thought how mean that would have been, so I waited. At this point my stomach was in knots and I felt really sick inside. I kept telling myself that I was being silly and he was a perfectly nice guy and would never hurt me, after all what reason did he have to hurt me? I was simply being nice and helping the man out of a tough situation. I waited for him to return and when he got into the car he said we were only a couple miles away.

Now I am leaving out a lot of the story, but before he made this phone call we had driven around through many neighborhoods and streets. He told me to turn down this street that I had been on earlier so I did. I had a bad feeling because I hadn’t seen any apartments on the road before. Suddenly we came to a dead end sign. My stomach jumped into my throat and I felt like I was going to throw up.

He said he didn’t understand why it was a dead end...I ignored him and tried to turn the car around so we could get out of there. By this time I had decided to just turn around and drop him off at the convenient store and let his sister come pick him up. I couldn’t drive him around all night long.

As I began to drive out of the dead end road...he put my car into neutral...and I looked over wondering if he was joking with me or what. I put the car back into drive and once again he put the car into neutral. When I looked at him he made this really low laugh...so evil sounding that it sent chills down my spine.

I reached for the gearshift and he grabbed my wrist. I broke it free and screamed "What the hell are you doing?" I put one hand into the horn and opened my door with the other...I tried to get out and he grabbed me and began hitting me in the face. Over and over again he beat me repeatedly in the face. I could feel the blood.

I kept screaming and screaming. All these thoughts raced through my mind...I knew he was going to kill me. I was so afraid. He eventually beat me so badly I was too weak to fight him off anymore. He got control of the car and was driving me somewhere...I didn’t know where. I tried opening the passenger door while we were driving and he was holding onto me while I hung out of the door. The cold air was blowing in my face.

He got me back into the car and began beating me as he drove. I felt this one blow to my nose and knew he had broken my nose. Blood was pouring out everywhere and it wouldn’t stop. The sight of it made me ill and weak. I was so tired now. I looked out the window and saw we were driving down a very dark and deserted road with trees all around us. He touched me in my private area and I inched closer to the passenger door, as far from him as I could get. I could smell his soured breath and feel the evil all around me. I felt death everywhere. The fear was so thick and the darkness had swallowed me up.

He suddenly stopped the car. I was praying "The Lord is my God" over and over again. I kept hoping that my little sister would remember me after I was gone...and I thought about how I hadn’t spoken to my dad in so long and about all the people I had forgotten to say "I love you" to. I thought about my boyfriend. I thought about my family.

He drug me out of the car by my hair and ripped my clothes off of me. I could feel the branches and rocks beneath me. We were in the woods somewhere by a river. He beat me and raped me and when he was finished he told me to lay down and close my eyes. I knew he was going to kill me now. I hoped he would do it fast and it would not hurt too much. Suddenly I was somewhere else...sort of looking over at myself but not really being there. I felt this sudden warmth come over me as though Jesus were holding my hand. It was a feeling I cannot explain.

I pretended I was dead. He was kicking me in the head over and over...My face and my head...I felt the pressure. But no pain anymore...it was as though it was gone. I don’t know how but my breathing faded away and my body went limp. I know I was still awake and conscious but I pretended to be dead. He threw me over his shoulder then and carried me further out into the thick grass...and dropped me somewhere by the river. He then kicked me in the head and face a few more times before walking away. I knew he had stopped and was looking to see if I was moving. I didn’t dare move.

He eventually got into my car and drove away. I laid there for a few minutes before feeling strong enough to get up and walk. I had no clothes on and I didn’t bother to look for my clothes. I began walking down the gravel road in the hopes of finding a house. I had only a pair of socks on my feet and it was 20 degrees outside. I never felt the cold though. I walked until I came to a neighborhood where I finally found a house and a very compassionate couple who let me in and saved me.

The stranger was caught within 24 hours, in my car, on a high-speed chase. I prosecuted and in May of 1996, the stranger, who now had a name, William Henry Johnson, Jr. decided to plead guilty to Life plus 45 years. He now spends his life in prison.

I know that this story painful for me...but I also know that through that pain I have found strength and empowerment...and I have also found the courage to talk and speak up about the violence...because I realized through my trial many things...one was that I had to accept what happened and then face those fears...the second was that I could help just by doing the smallest of things...caring and sharing with other survivors...and the third is that life is still good, people are still trustworthy, and being part of a place as serene as this, is a beautiful and calming experience.

Peace and Love :)

Angie
ICQ: 29872605
Visions of Life



Warning: Graffic
It all started about 1 year ago when i was 16. I had just switched schools and i loved my life. Everything about it was amazing! My friends were amazing, my boyfriend was "sooooo" nice and everything at home was pretty good. Little did i know, that everything from then on, would only be going downhill.

One night after going to a club downtown and smoking some weed (and loving it) with a bunch of friends i decided to go to visit my boyfriend in his new apertment. I remember vividly that it was already 3:16 in the morning, but i had no curfew so i had nothing to worry about. Me and my boyfriend (who was 3 years older) had always talked about sex, an di agreed that we would EVENTUALLY have sex, but only when i was ready. He seemes so alright with that, but i was so wrong.

That night, as i arrived, me and my bf immediatley started kissing and undressing as i walked through the door. Although we had never had sex, i felt very comfortable around him and being naked wiht him was not an issue...i trsuted him. He rommanticaly carried me to the couch. Just before he was about to remove my bra i told him maybe ti would be a good idea to show me around. He agreed that the tour of his bedroom would be a great idea. Once again we started fooling aorund and before i knew it, we were both naked. For some reason i didn't feel comfortavle this time, i felt that something was wrong. He asked me to have sex and i said no, I told him i wasn't ready. He didn't care. He started tro penetrate me, but i moved away...so he grabbed my hair and slapped me across the face. I started to cry and he told me to shut the fuck up. I couldn't helo it, i loved him, why was he hurting me. He shoved himself inside of me and the pain was un-berrable. I remember him moaning of joy, holding my hands back so tight that i had bruises on them after for weeks. He was so un-gentle, so-unloving.

After it was all over he drove me home and kissed me goodbye and said he loved me...as if nothing happend. I cried all night and even thought of suicide.

Being so close to my sister i told her and she helped me through it. My x-bf is now in court for what he did to me...hopefully he will be convicted!

i know i will eventually heal, and when i do i want to help others , like me!

Samayah Milar



Well..i did'nt thing id ever tell ne one this..and i knoe mines not as worse as many of the others. But..i was 8 years old..and my best friend eric started touching me..and i remember him pinning me up agianst this club house we had made together and jus touching me all over..and me crying and begging for him to stop. it went on for a year or so..and i was so scared of gettin him in trouble and losing him as a friend that i did not tell ne one. Kinda stupid huh? Well..then my other friend elizabith started touching me..and id hide away from her and eric ..and i remember being scared when mie friends were around cuz i wasnt sure who would start next or who else was having this happen to them also. I had no one to talk to..and if i did..whut would i say? we ended up moving..and i guess mie head blocked it. I thought everything was fine..but soon i started bottling everything up and showing no emotions. I did not cry..i only knew how to smile even when i was so de! pressed. Years go by and it stays the same..then one day i was at this job..in the basement..and this guy came up behind me and threw me to the ground and pinned me down. HE got undressed and undressed me. He ended up losing his erection and got mad..so he started to hit me and used my hairbrush to screw me in mouth the virgina and the behind. i hurt so badley. someone yelled down the steps for him and he got dressed and walked up. But before that..he told me if i ever told ne one..hed come back for me and make me pay. I got dressed and it was hard for me to walk. I was a virgin..i still am. Soon after that these prank phone calls started..and i walked down the halls with him watching me and making lewd remarks towards me. Hes in jail now for trying it with someone else who had the guts to go to the police. after that..a month later i woke up crying..scared of the woods. soon bits and peices came back to me from whut happened to me when i was 8. Ive told only a few of mie most! trusted friends about this. I still havnt had the courage to tell ne family or anybody else. Things got pretty bad after i started rememebering things. But with mie friends support..its been getting so much better. For whoever reads this..and has been raped something..please tell someone..i wish i would have at the begging..if i would have told someone..it would not have happened to that other girl.

Lace




 
 
 
 
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