Hi there, The Hardest thing has to be seeing him every day, knowing that my eyes will meet his and he will never know how much he hurt me. I was at my friends for the night when we decided to go to a small gathering down the street with some classmates. To make a long story short I had too much to drink and passed out. When I woke up he was there hurting me. But this is not where my story stops because I am not going to let him win. He has taken so much from me and now it is time that I regain control. It has taken some time but I am pressing charges. This is the hardest things anyone can go though, I find I cry myself to sleep every night just to wake up clean myself up and go to school and face him. Words are never exchanges just looks, looks that trigger flashback of that night, his hands, his breath, his eyes. But I am going forward I am going to make the world know the pain he caused me, I a healing. Hopefully he will pay.

Andrea
AIM: Andrea9181




I was fifteen a freshman in high school. I was on the drill team. I stayed in walking distance from school. I was walking home from school one day. It was spring time. I would go thru this wooded area to get to one of the streets in my neighborhood. It was a guy that used to go to my junior high saw me walking and I was trying to ignore him and go home. He caught up with me and picked me up. I was kicking and trying to pull away. Once he put me on the ground I tried to run but he held on to my jean belt loop. I was struggling to get away. He was unzipping my jeans and I was trying to pull them up. He unzipped his pants with one hand. He had me pinned down to the grond and he already had on a condom. He laid on top of me and put it in. I had been saying stop,and trying to get him off of me. It didn't last but a few minutes but it felt like a lifetime then. I was bleeding when I went home to look to see why I felt wet. I called my best friend she told me I wasn't the only girl he had raped. I was sacred because I knew he was in a gang. I wish I would have siad something then but I want to prevent this from happening from my daughters when I have children, and from happening to other girls.




After reading other people's stories mine seems unworthy of being told almost. Compared to so many my life has been easy. I am told that telling your story starts a cleansing process so I guess I should start at some point.

Ever since I can remember I have placed myself in situations that turned out to be potentially harmful with men. I don't think I have intentionally known this it just sort of seems to follow me where ever I go.

When I was 12 I used to hang out with the "boy next door". We grew up together for the most part so it was pretty commonplace for us to hang together. One day when we were together we decided to go up to a vacant apartment upstairs from my apartment. We were just talking about everyday stuff when all of a sudden I remember him taking a pillow that was laying near by and putting it over my face. I remember feeling like I was going to suffocate and the terror of that over rode what else he started to do. I remember he was feeling all over my chest and I was trying to wiggle free. Then he took the pillow off my face laughed and got up and went home. I remember feeling totally humiliated. I went downstairs and told my mother who told me that I was being silly that boys would be boys and that she was sure he didn't mean anything by it. So much for validation.

The next time I encountered a dangerous situation was a few years later when I was 14. I was walking to school when I had to walk by this stone wall. It sort of was a gathering place for guy's to hang out that probably had nothing better to do. As I walked by one guy kept calling to me to turn around so he could see me. I just kept walking, the next thing I remember was hearing his footsteps behind me and he grabbed my arm. I wriggled free from his grasp and ran and told a teacher. In turn my mother was called and to my surprise we went down to the police station and filled out a report. Nothing ever came of the whole thing.

Growing up I was now 15. I had never really had a boyfriend so to speak and one summer became really interested in Dennis. He was athletic and in my estimation adorable. Every night my friend and I would hang around the beach to see him and to talk with him. More times than not he totally ignored me. One evening though as my friend and I decided to call it a night and go home Dennis and his friend Paul came up behind us. Paul grabbed me and wrestled me to the ground while Dennis did the same to my friend. We were so close to the store where we all hung out I could not understand why no one came to help us. I know we made enough noise to attract attention. Paul and Dennis said a lot of disgusting things to us about how we obviously wanted them and that we now were going to have oral sex with them. OK, I am now totally freaked out because guess what? I knew NOTHING about sex. Paul tried holding me down and unzipping his pants at the same time, lucky for me he wasn't ! very good at it because I managed to get free. I ran over to my friend and after wrestling and kicking for what seemed like forever they lost interest and let us go. I can remember as we were running away Paul yelling after us not to bother going to the police because his father was the Chief of Police of the town. We went home and told my mother who simply told me that it was all due to the way I was dressed and with my "bedroom eyes" what did I expect? Shocked and feeling betrayed I never mentioned the incident again.

That same summer, I was also babysitting for none other than Dennis's father and mother. In retrospect I sit here and wonder what I was thinking? One night after Dennis's little brother went to bed his father came home alone. To make a long story short before I knew it we were somehow on the couch and his hands were roving everywhere. He let me up when I asked though, but told me never to tell his wife or he would make my life miserable. The one thing that I noticed that was different when this episode happened though was that I seemed to have my mind go blank, once he started to touch me my head seemed to go somewhere else. By this time I stopped telling my mother anything, I began to assume that all of these incidents were sparked by something I said or did.

I met my ex husband the summer I turned 17. Lyle was 8 years older than me which I thought was attractive. After all having a 24 year old interested in you at that age seemed really cool. My father had just left my mother after 23 years of marriage and I couldn't wait to be the next to leave. The more she forbid me to see him the more I snuck out to find him. Lyle was abusive from very early on in our relationship. If I seemed to make him angry he would slap me in the face or pull me by my hair around the house. I stayed with him. I married him at the age of 18. The physical abuse continued through the duration of my marriage.

When my daughter was 4 months old I thought that I had fallen in love with "Mr. Right" where I worked. According to him we were meant for each other. I, being the fool that I was went and told my ex husband that our marriage was over. I even told him why. I got one of the worst beatings that night. I remember being thrown against our kitchen table so that it fell over. I remember being hit in the face for what seemed like forever but what was actually only seconds. Then he threw me down a flight of stairs without my coat or shoes....it was mid December. I called the man that was "so in love" with me who told me he had a girlfriend and never thought I would take our relationship to the extreme. He did however drive to pick me up at a local store so I could go to the police station. I tried to file charges but back in the early 80's domestic violence was just starting to peak it's head out. I went back to my ex after one night away, knowing that my daughter needed me. Our relationship survived for 14 months. Finally after enough threats against my life and that of my daughter I decided to end our marriage. I got a restraining order and filed for divorce. Things quieted down so I dropped the restraining order.

One night Lyle came to the door to see our daughter. I let him come into our home. He convinced me to go to bed with him. While I was laying on the bed in my pj's I told him that I didn't want to have sex with him that our relationship was over and I was starting to date someone else. Lyle flew into a rage ( it didn't matter that he was dating too I guess). I don't remember every detail, things are still blocked out. I do remember him attempting to rip my pj's off and I told him to stop that he would ruin the buttons so I would do it myself. I remember lying on the bed naked, and feeling so exposed and vulnerable. I remember him hitting me on the thighs telling me I was a whore and that he would treat me like a slut if that's what I wanted. I remember asking him to stop and him hitting me on the legs with his steel toed boots. I remember his breath as he was on top of me and how it smelled like Coffee brandy, he had been drinking I guess. I remember pain and wanting to throw up. I don't remember the act itself. I remember him putting on his clothes afterwards and telling me that if I hadn't made him mad that nothing would have happened. I remember praying that my daughter didn't hear anything in the next room.

I called home desperate to get out of the house and find a "safe place", my mother responded with how she was afraid for her and my older sister and that I couldn't go there. A twist of fate occured and my ex husbands sister happened to call and when I told her what happened she called the police. I stayed with her over night, the arrested Lyle but only for domestic abuse. I never pressed charges, his sister bailed him out the next day. I was physically hurt, sick and mentally confused. I went through the motions of living day to day and somehow shoved everything in the back of my mind. I got my divorce. I went back to college and then became very sexually active. I had a few one night stands and then tried latching on to any guy who paid attention to me. Relationships kept failing and I had no idea why.

I was then date raped by a guy who I dated shortly after my ex husband. I still have a really hard time talking about it. It was someone who I trusted, went to bed with and raped me. The rape was an anal rape and the humiliation of that seemed worse to me somehow than what had happened with my ex husband. I didn't bother to tell anyone...who would believe me now?

I got my first real job as a secretary, my boss ended up coming on to me at his home, as I was silly enough to go there. He invited me there to "see his home" one day after work. His wife was out for the afternoon. He made me a drink, we smoked a joint, something was in the joint I have no idea what but I have never felt like that from getting high. I remember him rubbing my back and telling me that I needed to relax so we could later have anal intercourse. I totally froze. I didn't know what to do. My head went to another place. I was watching the scene from a distance. I got him to stop kissing me by telling him I had to go get my daughter from preschool. I went to go out the kitchen door and the door was locked. He came up behind me and putting his arms around the back of me unlocked the door. It scared me, I had no idea what his intentions were. I fled, I picked up my daughter ( later on to find that I took her from preschool with no shoes on her feet). I stayed home from work the next day, I didn't call in. I got my head together and knew that being a single mom I needed the job I had. I went back to work, David asked me a few times how long I was going to punish him for by not talking to him. I never spoke to him unless I had to. He told me he was afraid I would say something to his wife. I told him not to worry. My self esteem was in the toilet.

I met my second husband at the same place where I worked. He was a knight in shining armor. He had all the right answers to everything I asked. He took care of me financially, he told me he liked my daughter. He wanted to protect me. And I wanted desperately to be protected. We became engaged after dating for almost 5 years. I started having flashbacks of the rape with my ex husband about the same time. I told my boyfriend a little about the rape. As soon as he asked me why I didn't scream for help or fight, I shut down, I never discussed it again. Nightmares became my constant companion. A few times my boyfriend would hold me but I felt that he judged me somehow. Most of the time I went to the opposite side of the bed and hugged a pillow. Time went on and yup we got married. The marriage lasted for 7 years. My nightmares stopped shortly after we were married and I thought that once again I had concorded my demon. My husbands relationship with my daugther never got better. They fought all the time. I gave birth to two more darling girls. Life became diapers, school and baking, anything to get my mind away from where it tended to wander.

My relationship ended because I had an affair with a man named Matt who I still love and am with today. Once I started going through the second divorce my nightmares became worse and never let up. I started to cut myself (an old habit that reared up again). Any kind of stress and I was in the bathroom with a blade cutting my arm. Matt tried to help, he wanted me to talk to him. I was so afraid. People that I had once so trusted I had tried to confide in and look what had happened. The nightmares got so bad that there was no way around telling Matt the whole story. So I bared most of my soul. The guy is still here, still holding me, and still loving me today. Life started to look good again, I felt like maybe there could be real love out there and that maybe I could trust someone again.

Last Saturday I ran into my ex husbands uncle at a party. I had lived over this man in an apartment for 7 years. I included him as part of my family. Bill drinks, that night I was drinking too. After about 3 mixed drinks I saw him at the bar. I went over to him and started talking to him. No big deal, he seemed like he always was with me. He asked me if I wanted to see his new truck. I said sure, we hopped in it (without my boyfriend knowing where I was going) and went for a ride. He took me around the parking lot a few times and then joking around I told him the next time I wanted a longer ride. He told me we could drive up to the common. We did. He parked the truck, and asked me how I was doing. I told him how things had been and then he said he missed me and my kids. I gave him a hug, something I have done always. As I was pulling out of the hug, he grabbed my face and started kissing me, all I could think of was that I was going to be raped all over again. And Matt had no idea where I was. I froze, his hands were all over my shirt and he was kissing me all at the same time. I sat there, I did nothing. I watched from a distance what was happening to me, I was no longer a part of the scene I was a spectator. I remember him trying to get me to hug him again and I pushed him away a little and said I had to get back to the party. He drove me back, we talked about day to day stuff like nothing had happened. I never asked him what the hell he was thinking of, nothing.....as I was getting out of the truck he "thanked me for the kisses" according to him he had been waiting for the 13 years I was with his nephew for them. I felt violated, I felt responsible, I felt that it was all my fault. I went willingly with him, I trusted him, I hugged him. What was I thinking. I told Matt, I was crying I had no choice. Matt is trying to be supportive in all of this. Now my cutting is worse than ever, nightmares are raging a war in my head. My doctor has changed my med's and I am seeing my therapist more often.

I still sit here and feel that all of these things that have happened in my life happened because of something I did wrong. I wonder if life will ever take on true color again, or will it always look dull and grey? I don't know how to have a healthy relationship with Matt, I don't know how I am supposed to think or feel. I want desperately to be loved but I am so afraid to trust that he may actually love me. Life will never be the same, ever. I am so frustrated that for me it is a daily struggle and for the men in my life who have abused me or violated my trust their life goes on as normal.

Audrey



I've found that the only way to heal (for me) was to talk about it.. however, whenever to whomever.

I know the mindset of "everything happens for a reason" can really bother victims, because you do have to wonder what the HELL purpose could something so horrible serve. A couple years ago I found out why I was sexual abused as a child.

I volunteered to read a book to my daughters 3rd grade class. She had just transferred over from another school, and I figured this would be a great way for me to get involved, meet her teacher and her classmates, and have a hand in educating them. So.. book in hand.. I went.. I read.. it was a good time. Afterward I was standing at my daughter's desk she was showing me all her goodies.. and this little girl came over, and Chelsea (my daughter) introduced her to me. The little girl asked if she could come over to our house.. she explained that Chelsea told her she had a little brother.. and she was "a very good babysitter you know." Well, I didn't know this child.. so I told her to give her phone number to Chelsea and we'd arrange for her to visit on the weekend after I talked to her mommy. Then she looked sad and said.. "oh, I don't think I can then." I asked why and she told me about how she'd be moving soon and had to go to court in the next week. I thought it was some custody thing.. mom vs. dad.. story of most peoples lives.. so I said, "oh why are you going to court sweetie?" She motioned for me to come down to her level, cupped her hands around my ear and whispered "'cause somebody touched me."

Here I am, standing in the middle of a third grade class room filled with kids, and this child whom I'd never met before in my life just confided in me her deepest darkest pain. I was in shock. There I was staring into the eyes of a messy dark haired dark eye'd little girl.. and all I could think was... oh my God.. she's me. I was that little girl once too. The one that thought she was the bad one, the one that thought she'd get in trouble if she told. All of this flashed so fast. I didn't know what to say.. so I said the only thing I could think of which was "You know what, the same thing happened to me when I was your age, and look, I'm all grown up now with my own daughter just your age. It wasn't your fault, you're going to be okay."

You should have seen her expression change. It was like someone had lifted a ton of bricks off her shoulders. And I know.. because once I was her.. that it was honestly a revelation to her that she WASN'T the only person this had ever happened to. She said "IT DID??" and I told her I'd be happy to talk to her about it afterschool if she wanted and she said yes, please. I would have talked to her then, but I didn't want to step on the Mother's toes. So the teacher wound up book time, and I had to go. I said goodbye to my daughter, gave her a hug and a kiss, hugged the little girl goodbye and walked out of the classroom.

Then I heard the voice of the little girl.. she said.. "um, excuse me.. can I talk to you for a minute?" I said "sure." She stepped outside the door with a quick glance over her shoulder to make sure the teacher didn't see her.. she reached her hand into her pocket and pulled out a dollar bill. She said, "Do you want this? It's all I've got, but you can have it if you want." And I started to cry (just like I am now) and I told her no thank you, for her to keep her money.. and that I'd be sure to see her afterschool.

I walked out to my car.. and ALL I could think about was.. THAT was the reason it happened to me. My pain helped allieviate that child's pain.. and suddenly it was worth it.

I went to McDonalds and picked up Happy Meals, one for my new friend, one each for me and my daughter and took them back to school and sat to have lunch with the girls.

I spoke with the mother at the conclusion of the day. 'Course she never bothered to get out of her car. I offered to speak to her daughter about what I'd gone through. The mother said she thought that would be helpful because her daughter kept asking if she thought she was bad. I gave her mother my phone number, she never called. My daughter and her daughter spent time together at school, and sometimes she'd come over afterschool, but the child had discipline problems, and soon my daughter tired of her and their friendship disolved, and the child moved away just as she'd explained. But not before she testified against her neighbor.. the one that touched her.. and he was convicted and sent to prison.

I don't know where that little girl is today. I fear her homelife is still not what a child's homelife should be... but I know one thing, even if just for a moment, I helped that little girl understand she wasn't all alone in the world and she helped me understand why it had to happen to me.

Heather Griffin



Not really sure how to begin. The movie,"General's Daughter" triggered the memories. Then I saw Tori's show the other day on 20/20 and realized that I am keeping this locked in for too long. Who else can I share it with but someone who knows the pain,and humiliation that is inflicted on women daily.

Well on with it....
At the time of the event, the military was my life. Proud I use to be to be a part of that. I went to the park one day which is nothing strange of me. I always liked being alone. I use to love to draw. I lost track of time that day and before I knew it it was getting dark. I started to head back. Out of no where(literally) I was attached by what seemed to be 4 well developed and physically fit men. They just went straight to the abuse. Never felt pain like that before. I can still remember the eyes(cold), the hateful words, the stench............... There weren't any stakes like in the movie(general daughter) but one held my hands over my head, the other two kept the legs apart and of course the other were on top of me tearing my clothes off. What are screams when no one hears you. What are prayers when no one answers. They took turns over and over again for what seemed like eternity. They would ask if I like it and if I wanted more. Since they never got the answer they wanted, they just kept on. I guess that was not enough. Then the punching and kicking. I felt them everywhere(I do think that the intent were to kill me). At that point I wished I had passed on rather than endure that. All I remember is looking up at the sky. As beautiful as the stars could have been, they meant nothing to me any more. Not even my life. The beating must have excited them for they started again and again. This time they worked two at a time. This is where I was introduced to oral sex. At the time of the attack, I had a boyfriend and we only engaged in sex twice. I could hear the other two cheering them on and saying how I liked it and how they should take me somewhere else and continue there. You would think that they had enough. What kind of pleasure can someone get from a woman that is covered in blood,dirt,grass and swollen beyond instant recognition. That never stopped them. Never! Then as three of them started again, one decided that he had enough and wanted to leave. Did that prevent the others from doing it again. NO! This time just before they ejaculated, they would point it at my face and laugh as they relieved themselves. Then I was left there. I don't remember how I even made it back with what little bit of clothes I had left. I remembered showering over and over again. I never reported it for there were the treats on my life,and what made it so bad is that they knew that they would get away with it. I never returned to my boyfriend and offered no explanation as to why I did not want him in my life. I turned to alcohol for comfort. I became an alcoholic. The worst kind- the ones that drink alone. I wanted no one close to me. I put up such a wall- that is still standing to some degree.I blamed myself for all of it.
--------------
I survived.

jules
 


 


 
 
 
 
Back to Barbados....