Hello, I am a survivor of incest. I have lived with
this for a very long time. It has completely torn me apart piece by
piece in every aspect of my life. Some days I am completely unhappy for no
aparent reason. People know of my asult, including my parents. It was
reported when I was in high school, but nothing came out of it. I have
not even told anyone what he did to me because I am so ashamed. But it
haunts me daily. I cry anytime I see stories like my own
uncontrolably. Most of the time I hate myself because I feel so absolutely
terrible. I blame everyone around me for my unhappiness when I know it is me
that is so miserable. But I don't know how to heal this. I have gone
to counseling a few times but when the counselor starts to get to close
to me, I panic and never show up again. The forbidden question to me
is "What did he do to you?" I have not been able to answer this.
Mostly because I can not remember much of it. I only remember bits an!
d pieces, my minds way of helping me I guess. I can not live like this
anymore. I use to be a pretty girl with many goals and a great future.
Now I feel I am slipping away into this hole that I can not pull myself
out of. I do not feel suicidal in anyway, I have children and love
them too much for this. But I turn to food alot to sooth any discomfort.
I think sometimes by buying new things or changing the things around me
I will be happy, but I won't. This is not fair. I did not ask for
this. I want to be me, the person I really am, not this body I have
become. Sometimes I wish I could rid myself of this body and find the one I
belong in, if that makes any sense to you all. One day I plan to write
about my experience to help others, but for now I have to find out how
to heal myself. If something good comes out of this whole thing, than
I think I can put this behind me.
I was sixteen years old and supposedly getting ready for mid-terms. I
told my mom and my step-dad that I was going to spend the night at a
friend's house and we were going to study. Well, I never went to her
house, I went to another friend's boyfriend's birthday party at his
apartment. Which the previous night I was over there and met him and his male
roomates, one in particular was "Charlie".
My really good friend Louis was supposed to accompany me but at the
last minute couldn't make it. So, I went with my other friend Bobbi. I
also brought along a bottle of Jack Daniels. We drank every last drop.
Later on that night, my friend Michele and I were throwing up in the
bathroom. I eventually passed out on the floor. But I do remember
opening my eyes I few times. I heard the shower running, It was Michele.
Then, the next thing I remember I was in the bathtub. It was Charlie,
running the bath water and then he was in the bath with me and inside of
me! I started crying and yelling for him to get off of me. I don't
remember the time that lapsed but finally he got off of me and called me
a baby and then slapped me in the face.
My friend was being held back in the living room, by his roommate. She
heard me crying and screaming, she tried to help but couldn't. I got
my clothes on and ran outside where the rest of the party was. I told
them what happened! They put me in the car to take me to the police
station. Before we could leave Charlie came outside and put his hand
through the half opened window and grabbed my hair. He said, " you'll be
calling me tomorrow telling me how much you liked it." We stopped at my
friend Sandy's house before we went to the police because I wasn't sure
I wanted to go! But she convinced me to go. I tried to press charges
but the detective said I was drunk and it was his word against mine. I
had three witnesses with me? I still would like to see the police
report But it has been 10 years since.... I still think about it all the
time! I will never forget...But I have healed in a way. I have a great
boyfriend of 5 years and a beautiful 2 year old daughter who I took to sleep out for tickets to a Tori Amos concert! I just hope to
GOD that my daughter never has to experience what I went through.
I am wondering if I can write this without crying. I am so tired of
crying. My name is Nicky, I am 21, and it has been 8 years since my
first rape and 6 years from the last but it still feels like it happened
yesterday. I guess to understand my story you have to know a little
about my background. My mother had me out of wedlock and I never met my
real father (completly his choice). My mom married the man I call Dad
when I was 3 and he adopted me when I was 7. Dad is in the ARMY and we
never lived anywhere longer than 3 years. My family life was very
abusive so I guess I never felt too great about myself. My folks always
seemed to be taking out there anger on me, emotionally and physically.
When I was 13 we had to go to my dad's family reunion on the 4th of July.
Dad has a cousin who is about 5 years older than me and I guess I kind
of just latched on to him because he was the only other "kid" there
besides me and my brother who was 8 at the time. My dad's relatives live in a house with a lake right off of their backyard and I thought
that was great because I love to swim. The whole family was inside
talking and catching up and my dad's cousin asked me if I wanted to go
swimming. I put on my swimsuit and met him at the dock. There was a wood
platform out in the water and he dared me to race him to it. When we
got out to it we both pulled ourselves up onto it. I was exhausted. I
layed on the platform just trying to catch my breath when he started to
touch me. I told him to stop and he got more forcefull. He told me
that there was no sense in screaming cause everyone was inside and we
were so far out there that no one would be able to hear me anyways. He
yanked the bottoms off of my swimsuit and held me down and raped me. I
felt like I was being torn apart, emotionally and physically. When he
was done with me he slapped my face and told me to quit crying and get
back to the house. As I was pulling my bottoms back on he told me that no one would believe me if I told them what happened since I wasn't
"really" a member of the family anyways. I can remember wishing I
would just drowned as I swam back to the dock. I spent the rest of the
weekend as far away from everyone as I could crying. My parents just
thought I was being a brat.
After the rape I felt worthless and depressed all the time. I discovered marijuana that year. When I was high I felt numb, and that was a hell of alot better than feeling him tearing at me over and over in my mind. I fell into this downward spiral. I started to do horribly in school and hung out with all the wrong people. When I was 15 I was dating a guy for about a month and he started to pressure me aobut sex and finnally I gave into him. I remember just laying there on my back feeling like I was this worthless piece of meat and that didn't deserve anything or anyone. I continued to get high and do poorly in school and my parents continued to physically abuse me. There is so much that happened to me in such a short period of time, I can not possibly write it all down in this story, it would take a book. When I was 16 we had moved to Colorado and I dropped out of school and spent my days running around with a group of really bad people getting high all day. One day my mother and I got into a big fight and I ran away, not the first time that happened but definetly the one that will always stick in my mind. I asked a friend if I could stay with her and she said that was okay. One night we went to this party where there was alot of drinking and alot of pot. I was not a big drinker but I was so stoned I started taking drinks out of everyones cups and bottles. Next thing I knew someone grabbed me and threw me into the bathroom. There was 3 guys in there and one of them grabbed me, pushed me against the sink and pulled down my pants. He threw me at one of the other guys who pushed me down so that I was hanging over the bathtub. At that point I kind of blacked out. I was at the point where I could see and hear, but I could not respond. All three of them proceeded to rape me one after the other. Afterwards they just left me laying there. I stayed in that bathroom all night until my friend came in and helped me to get dressed again and! half drag me out. She told me I couldn't stay with her anymore and that I should go home. I had been gone for 3 months and my parents had moved, they had left there new number with a neighbor and I called them to come get me. I never told my mother any of this until 2 years ago when I finnaly lost complete control of everything and attempted suicide. My mother has been in counciling for alcoholics and has learned to gain control of her anger, but she didn't believe me and still acts as if I never told her and none of it ever happened. I have been through alot of things since the last rape. I have tried to find an escape from my feelings in drugs and suicide attempts. I have been clean for a year and a half, and while I do feel better about myself sometimes I feel so alone, and so scared. I don't know if I will ever get over feeling like this. I have a boyfriend that I have been with for 1 year and 7 months, but I have a hard time being intimate and I get very depressed at times and he doesn't know how to handle me when I get that way. Sometimes I feel like everything that happened happened to someone else but then the pain that I feel haunts my dreams, or I will be making love to my boyfriend and have flashbacks. I am just taking it day by day. Some are better than others, but I am still here. I can't let them take from me anymore than they already have.
If anyone wants to email me, please feel free. We need each other-
Nicky
ICQ:58143170
