i'd like to share some of my poetry, but to truly understand my
poems (or flows of consciousness, as i call them), i have to tell a little
bit about my life, so i ask all readers to please take the time to read
this, and i'll keep it brief.... i am 17. my biological father was
sexually abusive to me and my two sisters as we were growing up.
He was also physically abusive to my mother. She got a divorce when
i was still quite young and we moved across the country to get away from
my father whom i lovingly (that is sarcastic) refer to by his name, gene.
My mother married another man when i was eight, and he was an alcoholic.
He was very emotionally abusive to us children and my mother. The
atmosphere in our household became so full of stress and tension for my
mother that she became extemely violent to my sisters and i.
This continued until i was thirteen, when my mother finally left her second
husband and got her own emotons in check. At fifteen, with both of
my sisters now grown and out in the world, i moved in with my aunt, who
was an alcoholic, and there i had many traumatic experiences i'd rather
not
delve into, (to save time and space) which gave me a basis for much
of the poetry i am offering now, to you, reader. i was removed from
the situaion only after being severly beaten in an alley by my drunken
aunt, and having the police called by a neighbor. i was sixteen.
after living my whole life in physically, sexually, and emotionally abusive
homes i am now free for the first time. i am a straight A honor student
and i have just found an aparment and am getting ready to start my senior
year in high school. i adore Tori Amos because through all of my
experiences i can remember being able to listen to her after the fighting
had died down, and finding myself again in her words, and feeling truly
alive. one of my highest dreams is for her to turn one of
my poems into a song.....on a final note, i'd just like to dedicate
this to Tori, to my sister, who helped me through a lot, and to my angel,
who has helped me understand myself, respect myself, and love myself. he
knows who he is, my angel of light.
feel free to email me with
comments on my poetry or just to talk. i do have more flows that
i love to share, and i love to read poetry too...
an asterix (*) announces the title of the poem
Untitled*
I want someone to hold me close and comfort me
anyone will do
don't try to understand
just listen
and hold me
and don't let me go
let me hold you tight
so i don't fall down
let me lean on you
when this is through
take your leave if you must
take a piece of my heart
but give yourself first to my need.
There's a void-
fill it if you can
make me forget it's there
at least
for a while
just hold me near
let me cry
don't call me weak
i know i am
let me shake inside
let it flow out in a scream
of pain
from years of nothingness
and no one to care about
my lonliness
or heartlessness
i mist find My Self
but shatter myself to
and glue it back together
so hold me now
i need to feel alive
just this moment be charitable
to my hopeless cause
hold me
to you
and pretend you care enough
about somone else
to give
Once Upon A Time*
Staring down the walls
the ceiling
anywhere to fix my gaze as far
from him
as eyes can crawl
looking down
upon myself
to see
myself
in the floorboards of a darkened room
seeing
disbelieving
the irony
this situation's truth reveals
laughing
to stop the tears
the blood distorts my face
unclear violations
infinite
he feels nothing but his desire
and control
and power
like s ahungrey wolf gloats over his prey
and i am so easy to override
so small
and nearly gone
his energy is spent
the driving need
he looks at me in contempt
and
disgust
one last favor he will not grant
release
instead he leaves me
hanging on to my shatterd self
to keep his secrets
in that room
in my heart
the blackest part.
After the blood has dried and flaked away
the scars are white on white skin
that can be explained away
simply
without tears
(lying through my teeth)
no more lonely walks
no more unawakened nights
no more
he tore apart my world
and now it's gone
Twice*
One small mistake you made
took a wrong turn got you lost
now no compass or map can take you back out
of the situaton or erase the memories
of that place,
that time,
his face
the bruises are there they refuse to heal
you can't understand these things you feel
the thoughts that creep into your head when you're asleep
to torment you and make you dread
to deam-
the last straw,
life wouldn't seem so bad if you didn't have to imagine it
as better
imagine it with someone who wouldn't hurt you
when he touches you
you still can feel those cold hands
cringe and ignore the raw skin
trying not to offend
but they can't understand-nobody can
it's all your fault your own mistake you should have
stayed home
stayed away from those boys
young, ignorant boys
nothing new, just new people
what could you do?
can't even scream choking back your tears and
the taste of them
all alone
they can't comprehend
and you can't expalin why you cry
alone in bed at night without a light a compass a guide a friend a
god a
dream a helping hand
stand in one place
don't take a step
you can't get lost
no more mistakes
life is all a piece of cake
and icing too
lick it up
but please
don't
move
Daddy*
I see you sitting there grinning
Mr. Chesire
speaking your riddles
playing your games
filling my body full
with your shame
you hurt me. Honestly
think i'm your toy
to play with and break
then trow away.
beat me
rape me
kiss me good-night
pat my head
and hope that i'm dead
inside
i'm still herein your trash
in your pat
lurking in your mind.
i'll break your brittleness
and smile while you writhe
you'll feel my shame
so shoot me
lose me
i'll find my way on my own
without you
as you drwon in your own red pool
i'll smile inside and know
I'm free of you
Nursery Rhymes*
Lost
and crying need to anyone that listens
walks on
doesn't bother to speak up
or pay attention
costs too much to give yourself
adive
she doesn't need you explanations
like snow at midnight
fall on deaf ears
stirring up trouble sugar in Liptons comfort mug
teddy bear looks at her
with glassy eyes
accusing
sit on the floor
drawing chalk pictures
it doesn't rain in the house
to wash it away
(it storms)
smears the smile on her face
no corner is safe
from spiders spinning their webs of deceit
little miss muffit scared away
the boys no longer want to play
and mother goose retreats to her storybook world
the child can't live there forever
in the fireplace
toss those vague impressions in
she doesn't need them
to weigh down her wings
fragile things
black velvet feathers
soft
as the touches she never received
starved for attention
favorite child's
double helpings
younger
and helpless
full of defenses
never alone with teddy by her side
chamomile's soothing vapors rise
steam
full ahead in life
without looking back
to see what's behind
I have only told by best friend about what happend.So I'm going
to tell now.I was 10 years old my dad and his new girlfriend went out to
a bar.They left me with Jarime(RAPESD).I was sleeping in my dads room and
let Jarime sleep in my room, after my dad left he came in to the room I
was sleeping in and said (remamber how when we were little you liked to
play house but I never would will want to play now).I thought he was joking
and sayed yes .That is whene he got on top of me and started to
rape me I was so scared and did not know what he was doing so I went
along with it my dog got on the bed and tried to get him off me but I toled
my dog to get off the bed .It went on for at the sortes an hour .That was
the worest night of my life I did not tell any one untill my dad got a
note inthe mail that said (If I were you I would keep that boy a way from
your daughter he has tried to rape all my kid and it should not happen
agein).My dad keeped asking if he had done any thing to me I keept saaying
no but whenI started to cry my knew that he had done something to me and
I broke a pencill .I askedd him not to tell my mom but he did I had to
go to the docter like 20 times .I was so scared when I thought I had seen
him at my school. I cried in class when a boy saied that I whated
sex T.V I even sad that if knew what had happend to me he would shut uphe
was
never saied any thing like that agian .But now I am scared of most
light skined boy becouse I am scared they will rape me.I have tried to
kill my self 5 times but I can never do that .I think that he has raped
befor so becarfull.
Sarah
I have just finished laundering the sheets from the bed where it happened yesterday morning. I have talked to some friends, and worked constantly. So this is the first time I have really been alone since it happened. I was avoiding this. I know that I can survive this because it has happened before- yes it has. But I know that this time I need help, because somehow the rape and the sexual abuse that i had thought I had survived has led up to it happeneing again. i have made poor choices in men. But I want to survive this- and I want to be normal- I don't want to hate men, or be afraid of people or afraid to be alone.I don't want to be angry. And I'm starting to realize that maybe the reason I am close to so few people stems from that time when my innocence was first taken away from me by my brother. My brother that I have never confronted, my brother that I will see for the first time since- since I have really acknowleged to myself how much he scarred me. I have just quietly hated him for so long.....
Thats all I can say for now. BUT it has been a long time in coming.
Donna
I am 23 years old, Married to a wonderful man, I have a 5 yr old daughter and live a very happy normal life! I am also a survivor of rapes and molestation!
Most doctors who have heard my story thought that self healing was not
possible.....drugs were an answer for them.
I am here to tell you that it can be done!
Read on.......
My stepfather molested me from ages 6-9 I had my virginity ripped away by my boyfriend at 14 who impregnated me (I did not know that at the time) Then 2 months later brutally raped by a guy 10 older who caused me to miscarry...... Then 5 yrs later raped outside my apt by some drunk mexican...and was told that I had HIV from that attack!
Now the HIV thing was a mistake on their part but that didnt keep me from wanting to take the easy way out and shed this mortal coil.......But I didnt.......And you know how I got through this SELF-HEALING.....now some doctors think that anti-depressants will solve your problems and help numb the pain.......But numbing is not a way of healing my friends.....
I wrote constantly and listened to Tori's CD's day and night...anytime i felt suicidal, I wrote about it....and it worked.....talking with friends worked also.....My 3yr old Daughter was also a big reason!
So for those of you out there that feel ready to give up think of this story....................If I can survive...You can too!
My story begins when I was ten years
old. I went to my friends' house to see if she wanted to come out
and play. When I got there she was not home, but her older brother
and his cousin were in the garage. They invited me in to wait until
she came back. So I decided to stay. Her brother started commanding
me to pull down my pants, and also to give him oral sex. I refused
and was beaten until his cousin could not bear to see anymore, and they
finally decided to let me go. Scared and
confused, I ran home and told my mother what had happened to me.
She immediately went and talked to the boy's parents, but we did not go
to the police, and I was told to forget it ever happened (because it is
easier to pretend it never happened than to accept it). This made
me feel ashamed of what happened instead of understanding that I had been
abused and did nothing to deserve this abuse.
The next time something happened I was thirteen.
I had just moved with my mother into my stepfather's house, which he shared
with his brother. My stepfather's brother (Rudy) seemed a little
odd to me. At first he was really nice to me, he would drive me to
friend's houses, stuck up for me when I was fighting with my parents, etc.
Then things began to change. I could not even sit on the couch in
the living room without him putting his hands all over me. So I kept
myself locked in my room for as long as I could, but he would follow my
friends and I to the town pool, and later he described to me how "nice"
I looked in my swim suit.
The year had passed finally, and I was fourteen
and just started high school. I tried desperately to find someone
who could understand me, but I was too different from the other girls,
so I became friends with a group of guys that were all abused in some way,
like me. I felt more safe with them. Since I was different
and all of my friends were men, I started getting a reputation for being
something I was not (a whore) which attracted the wrong kind of attention
to me. There was a
guy (Julio) who would follow me around school harassing me, and I felt
too ashamed to tell anyon. So it escalated to one day when I was walking
to class, Julio had pushed me in the stairwell. No one was around
because the bell had already rung, so everyone was in class. I tried
screaming for help, but no one heard me. He had me pinned against
the wall with one arm, and he was undressing me with the other. I
kept yelling for help and asking him why he was doing this. Then
someone started
coming up the stairs, and Julio got scared and left. After he
left, I could not stop shaking. I felt paralyzed. A few days
later I decided this time not to keep this a secret. I confided in
a few close friends who helped me to understand that it was not my fault,
and together we confronted him, but I still felt ashamed to tell anyone
about my stepuncle.
Later on that year I began dating a guy named
Charlie. I was with him for a few months, and I began gaining trust
in him until one day he invited me over to his friend's apartment, but
his friend was not there. He then started forcing himself on me,
and when I told him to stop he pinned me down to the bed and raped me.
I felt violated, angry, adn afraid. After this happened, he would
come to my school and harass me, and he threatened to kill me if I did
not go back with him. I was so
afraid that I would leave from the back door of the school and run
home hoping he would not see me. I was always in fear expecting something
to happen, and I was always on alert.
The next year, my stepuncle figured out how to unlock
my door to my room (the last place where I felt safe), and every night
he would watch me sleep, and I would be lying awake paralyzed with fear.
The year after that he learned how to control the electricity and the phone
line that were in my room. This was to me the last time I would be
violated. My room had been my sanctuary, and he was trying to take
away the last thing I would call my own. One day when he shut off
the electricity and
the phone in my room, and after years of his abuse I finally let some
anger out, and I went in the kitchen and grabbed a knife. I went
into the basement (where he was), and I spotted him trying to hide behind
the door. I then confronted him, and he was watching to see if I
had a weapon. He was then intimidated and ran to his room with me
chasing behind. I tried to push in his door, but he was strong, and
he was able to get his door shut. I was so frustrated at this point
that I started stabbing his door with the knife. After this happened
he never bothered me again. I also felt relieved because I felt that
I was able to start dealing with what happened to me and accept the feelings
I had about it. I also felt more at peace in my home because he no
longer had control over me. But despite this victory, there were
more battles to be fought.
It was the summer after I graduated high school.
To celebrate I went with a friend of mine to stay at her friend's house
at the Jersey shore. One night after I took two valium, I decided
to have a few alcoholic beverages (which at this time I had a tendency
to become dependent on to make my problems "disappear"). I was sitting
in the hot tub outside when I began losing consciousness. The next
thing I remember is that my clothes were ripped off. After it was
over I just remember sitting on the deck outside, shivering, wondering
what was going on, and what exactly had just happened. The next night
I spent sitting in the corner crying. Again I felt ashamed, and I
also felt that it was all my fault. I did not accept what had happened
to me, and
I denied that it was rape. I felt that it was my fault because
I did not remember saying no (even though I was not fully conscious
and could not speak for myself), but a year later I began to remember bits
and pieces of that night. I remembered that at some point I did say
no. For some reason this made me feel more able to deal with it and
accept it because then I
saw it for what it truly was, which wsa rape, and after knowing this
information I did not feel guilty anymore.
I am just now learning, years later, to accept
what has happened to me and use it in ways to help me grow and to help
others accept but not to forget what has happened to them. After
these experiences, I had feelings of alienation, I felt that no one knew
what I was going through because this is a subject no one wanted to talk
about. I also felt guilty for what happened to me because society
has taught me to believe I did something to deserve it. I was easy
prey because I did not heal
from earlier experiences which left me emotionally weak and open.
What I really needed when I was ten and told my mother what happened to
me was for her to comfort me and show me that it was not my fault, and
that unfortunately it happens to other people, and I would have known that
other people do understand. Instead she told me to forget what happened
to me, which made me feel like I did something horrible, adn I should
feel ashamed of myself. Our society believes it is easier to take
sides with the victimizer, he asks for nothing in return. His victim
need justice and a chance to heal her self. I thank you for listening,
and I would like to share a poem I read:
All you can do is honor her and love her
and she becomes so exquisite and she's pulling you
and that's really something because if you say WOW lady
I know
who you are
you're the keeper of this reform school
that attachment
can't have her can't reject her can't live with her
can't put
her away
just HONOR and HONOR her DIVINE MOTHER you've got to worship her
Ram Dass
Be Here Now
