When I was 14, my best friend's boyfriend was at my house with her and my boyfriend at the time, his cousin. He said he didn't feel well, so even though I was not supposed to have boys in the house, I let him in to use my bathroom.

He threw me up against the wall and tried to rip my clothes off while kissing me. Luckily, my sister heard him and came in. He stopped, then told Jake (my boyfriend)and Jodi that I had come on to him and left. Jake came to the door to confront me. I was shaking like a leaf, and crying so hard I couldn't breathe, and luckily he believed me. I was afraid my father would be angry with me, so I ran away to a friend's house, but I left a note for my dad explaining why I left. He came and got me and assured me I had done nothing wrong. I later found out, from a subsequent girlfriend of his (Anthony, the would-be rapist), that if she didn't feel like having sex, he would force her anyway.

When I was 16 I was forced to have sex with a man while on a date. He was a body builder, and very strong. When I said no, he didn't stop. I was too afraid to fight very hard, because I didn't want him to get violent. He then went around the gym where both my father and I worked out saying that I was "an easy lay and would fuck anything". Please excuse the language, those are his words.

When I was 18, I went to the beach with some friends to celebrate graduation. We then went to a party. Because I was badly sunburned, I was not feeling well, and a few beers affected me more than they normally would have. I went to a friend's car (where I thought I would be safe) and passed out. A boy I knew sold me to another boy for $15. The purchaser then proceeded to use me on the front lawn of the house where the party was being held. I didn't find out for 5 months. The first thing I did was get tested for AIDS and everything else I could think of. Luckily I am healthy. That was 5 years ago.

April Worden
 


I don't really know where to begin or what to say. I'll start off by saying that I've never talked about this before, but then again, this didn't happen to long ago. I mean, I'm still in shock and I've still told no one in real life because I'm scared to say anything. Online, I am a diarist, and the day this happened, I didn't put an entry up. I just tried to pretend that nothing happened and that it would go away, that I'd forget. I didn't -- no, couldn't -- write about what had happend because there was this shame and this guilt to it all.

I guess I should start from the very beginning, which would be the day I left my ex-boyfriend a few months ago. He broke up with me around New Years, but we continued to see each other and fool around. Things got a little too out of hand and one night he and his friend, Greg*, drove me out to the middle of no where and told me if I wanted a ride home, I'd need to sleep with both of them, and I did.

After that, I wrote my ex a letter telling him I could not continue to see him outside a relationship. We didn't talk for several months, and then about three weeks ago, we began talking. We talked, and sometimes Greg would take over the chat and talk to me. I didn't trust Greg much but we talked, and I'd tell him about the guys I'd met and how much better I was, how I was finally moving on with my life, and he'd listen and tell me about how life with his girlfriend was. I mean, I know I shouldn't haved talked to either of them after what had happened, but they both convinced me it was my fault, that I'd known was I was getting into when I got into the car.

A few weeks ago, Greg invited me over for a pool party. I knew that Greg was the kind of guy who only talked to girls and invited girls over to hit on them, and considering what had happened only a few short months ago, I was very worried and didn't want to go. However, he told me that if I got there and wanted to leave, he'd get someone else at the party to give me a ride home. I decided that I'd go, because I knew a lot of the people he'd invited and I hadn't seen a lot of them since school had gotten out.

When I got there, only two other people were there, and as soon as I got into the pool, the only other girl there, Kristin, left. Immediatly, I got scared and headed for the ladder of the pool, but Greg and his friend Joe pulled me back into the water. I fought and cried and they pulled at me until they had my bathing suit top off. I bit Joe so he'd let go of the bottom of my bathing suit at which point Greg picked me up out of the water and carried me to his room where he told me I could go home as soon as I gave him a blow job.

I remember that I cried a lot and he just stood there, naked, saying "the sooner you do this the sooner you can go home," and I was just sitting there on the floor, topless and crying. I kept holding out some hope that if I waited long enough, his parents would come home, or one of his friends would drop by and I'd be saved, but half and hour went by and I finally gave him oral sex and then he let me out of his room.

I never told anyone. I mean, it was out of my stupidity for going over there that I was in that situation in the first place, and it doesn't fall under the legal text of rape so I couldn't report it to anyone. However, carrying this burden around inside of me, even for just a few weeks, has hurt me so much, I had to tell someone and I thought here could be the one place I could escape persecution. Thank you.

* - Names Changed.

The Merman's Northern Angel
 


Okay, so here goes....I haven't told too many people the real story, because I'm not so sure myself it it's rape. Some defintions support it being so, and others don't really say....

I was drunk, probably the most I've ever been. I went to a party. It was his birthday, so they were all drinking there too. So I drank some more.....I don't really remember too much because I was in and out of blackout, but I do remember coming out of blackout and he was on top of me....in me....I was a virgin....but not anymore.

I think I started crying or yelling and he stopped. I got up and put on the clothes I could find and passed out on his couch until the next day....the next day he didn't speak to me, barely looked at me. His roommate was nice, but he had no idea what happened....I walked home in a daze....I kind of wandered around for a little while. I think I was in a state of shock. Then I realized what had happened and called one of my friends, crying hysterically. She came over right away. Then my roommate came home to find me hysterical and crying, she was almost crying too....all my friends were so supportive. They wanted to kill him. But I didn't think it was his fault, because he was drunk too....but not as much as me. I tried to talk to him, but he just blew me off, so I don't even know what he remembers. I just wish I knew. I don't even know if it was rape, but I do know that I have never felt so violated in my life. And I don't really drink anymore....his birthday present was something that I can never ever get back....Thanks for letting me share my story, even though I'm not sure if it really was rape. I don't need a jury to tell me -- I just need to know for myself.

amidsummerdream@yahoo.com
 


Like so many others I have too been silent about these things for so many years. I have decided to tell my story for the first time. When I was two I was raped by my best friends father. I do not remember any of this, but I am told it happened to me. When I was about 7 years old we lived in Germany (my dad was in the navy). I was over one of my friend’s houses one night, they were Americans also. My friend’s parents went out to eat and they left this German guy, their next door neighbor, to baby-sit us. His name was Johnny and he was older, like in his late 50’s. My friend and my younger sister were lying on the floor watching chip and dale cartoons. I was sitting on the couch. Johnny came and sat by me. A few minutes later he quietly stuck his hands down my overall’s and into my panties. He began rubbing my vagina with his fingers. I was shocked, embarrassed, and terrified. I didn’t dare to say anything, just sat perfectly still, and stared into the television. He asked me if I liked it, I nodded my head yes even though I desperately wanted him to stop. I told him I had to go to the bathroom as an excuse to get up. As I was hopping off of the toilet he came in the door. He asked to help me and I just stood there paralyzed. He began tucking in my shirt, but when he got to my front he acted like he was tucking in my shirt and then pushed his hand all the way down between my legs. He rubbed my vagina briefly and then brought his hand back up, and pulled the shirt up too. He then pretended to tuck in the shirt again so that he could touch me. He did this like 5 times. When I told my parents about it they told me that I was lying, and that if I lied about anything like that again they would beat me with a belt. Shortly after this my parents got divorced. My parents were both abusive. My father is an alcoholic, and my mother is psychotic. Both my parents battered me bloody on several occasions. The worse was the relentless emotional abuse. It was pounded in my head everyday that I was stupid, a liar, not good enough. My mother also sexually abused me. Less than 6 months after this incident we were living with my maternal grandparents. My grandfather was always cold and uncaring towards us, and we just tried to avoid him (when I say us, I mean my younger siblings). This night I had stripped down to the nude, and then ran across the hall to the bathroom. When I saw that my bath water had not been started I began to look for my mother. I hid my naked body behind the wall and peered out into the living room. There was only my grandfather sitting there watching TV. He told me to come to him, and I did as I was told. He lifted me up and put me on his lap. I did not know what he wanted. He put his hand on my knee, and started to spread my legs apart. I didn’t fight him I really didn’t know what to do. My legs just went limp, and stayed where he spread them. He then began p! robing my vagina with his fingers. I looked at him and he was looking at the TV so that’s what I did. I stared into the TV just as I had done the last time I was in this situation. My grandmother came out about 5 minutes later and told me to go get in the bath. Nobody ever said anything else to me about it, and I know my grandmother saw. For the rest of his life (he died when I was 16) he would fondle my breasts, crotch, and buttocks, and kiss me passionately like I was his lover almost ever time we visited him. My mother had custody of us at this point. She is very sadistic in the things she would think up for us to do as punishment. One day my sister and me were in the tub together. I had to go to the bathroom, but I knew my mother would get mad if I got the bathroom floor wet so I urinated in the tub water. My sister did as well and told my mother what she had done. My mother jerked us out of the tub and beat us. I went to my room to get dressed and I was in their reading a book when my mom called us both out to the living room. She made us take off all of our clothes and underwear. She then made me lay down on the floor and put a diaper underneath me. She told me to spread my legs and then she smacked my vagina like she was spanking me, and then closed the diaper. She did the same to my sister, and then she picked out two dresses so short that everyone could see that me and my sister, 8 and 5 years old, were wearing diapers. The next time any abuse occurred that was sexual in nature (she regularly abused me physically and mentally) Was when I was about 12. My mother, stepfather, and next door neighbor, Sandra kept me up all night long just calling me a whore a slut and every other sexual name in the book. Every time they got me to cry, they would all laugh. Even though there was no touching I believe that this was another one of my mothers sadistic punishments. These punishments include locking me in the bathroom for two days with a bottle of cleanser and a toothbrush and making me scrub the crevices between the tiles in only my underwear, and making me sleep at the foot of her bed on the floor for a week “like a dog” because she insisted that I was a dog, only uglier and disobedient. I slept with someone for the first time that winter. This experience isn’t any form of sexual abuse in any way but I think it is important leading up to the events in my story. His name was Brandon and he was one of my best friends. This was not rape at all, even though I didn’t want the sex. I simply didn’t speak up, I just followed every lead he gave, and let him have sex with me. I didn’t even feel like a participant. I felt as if my body was lying there but my mind was somewhere else. I feel so bad to say these things about him, because he really did do everything that he could to make me comfortable. At this point I was not getting along well at home. I had tried to kill myself several times. I baby-sat for this lady named Angela and her husband Ronnie. I started staying over there a lot. They were like the perfect family. The both showed me affection and gave me attention. I loved them and started going over there all the time. One night when I was baby-sitting for them I had fallen asleep on the couch. I guess she told him to put me in my own bed. I was asleep and I woke up because he was talking to me. Then he put his hand in my shirt and began squeezing my breasts and rubbing my nipple between his thumb and forefinger. I was wide-awake by now, but I didn’t know what to do, so I just lay there and pretended to be asleep. He picked me up and carried me into bed. He is a very large man: 6’ 5’’, 200 pounds, and it’s all muscle. I was a small child I am now 19 years old and still only 4’ 11’’ and 114 pounds. I was about 14 years old here so I was smaller than that even. Once he got me in bed I thought he would leave me alone, but he put one hand up my shirt to fondle my breasts, and the other on my crotch. He stopped when Angela called him. For the next three years I lived there on and off, and the sexual abuse was pursued relentlessly and performed aggressively. While I know that he was after me as much as he could I only remember a few incidents. One of which was when I was upstairs getting a drink of water, and nobody was home but me and him. I had my hair dyed purple during this time and he said, “you’d be the first woman I’ve had with purple hair.” I just ignored him, but he went on saying that Angela would like for us to sleep together, that he needed to teach me. That it would be fun and feel good. I tried to just walk out but he caught me at the corner, he started pretending to give me a back rub, and began fondling my chest, I broke free and ran out the door. Another incident that I remember is I was getting out of the shower and I had my towel wrapped around me, I was walking across the hall and he told me to take off my towel. I said no. He said, “you’re not modest, are you?” I said yes. He continued to ask if he could just see my breasts, and told me I was too sexy and I was turning him on. This was one of his favorite things to say to me another one was that I was a woman now, all grown up. He tried to tell me this to convince himself and me that I was no longer a child because he wanted to think that what he was doing wasn’t molestation. Another occasion that I remember was I was sleeping downstairs on the couch, but I guess I had rolled off on the floor, because I was asleep and the next thing I knew he was pulling me up off the floor. He picked me up by my underarms and spread my legs over his knee. He then stuck on hand down my pants and the other up my shirt. This was one of the first times that he had done anything to me and I was terrified, so I pretended to be asleep. He stuck his fingers up inside of me and I moved pretending to wake up. Then I stood up and walked off. He followed me and started grabbing at my breasts and fondling my boobs while I was walking away. When I walked up to where Angela was sleeping, he quickly stopped, ran in their room, and locked the door. The last time I remember was I was again sleeping on my bed. He came in my room drunk, and started out as he always did, fondling my breasts. He did this for like 5 minutes and then reached around my back, put his hand down the back of my pants and began to fondle my butt. I tried to “toss and turn” in my “sleep” to scare him off, but he simply held me down and then stuck his finger up my butt. It hurt, so I pretended to wake up, and yelled for him to get out of my room. Although he never did have sex with me, he was after me every second of every day. I became paranoid to take a bath or shower, wear a shirt that was loose around my neck, wear shorts, dresses, or tank tops. I usually wore two shirts, making sure to tuck in at least one and two pairs of jeans at the same time. I believe that he would have held me down and raped me everyday, but Angela didn’t work and was home ALL THE TIME. I believe that saved me, the few times she went somewhere I always begged to come with her or left the house period. He has two children, and I am afraid for them now. His little girl is by a different girl than Angela, and Ronnie only gets weekend visits, but still I am scared. His little boy, I wasn’t really worried about, until right before I moved out. One day their 3-year-old son, Mark, and me were playing in their HUGE tub. We were each in our bathing suits, singing in the shower. Mark’s bathing suit was too big, and kept on falling down. He asked if he could take it off and I said yes. I figured he’s only 3. So then 5 minutes later Ronnie came in. He asked why I had my bathing suit on, and I told him because I didn’t think it was appropriate to be naked in front of a three-year-old. He told me that it was appropriate, and when I still refused he demanded me to take it off and sit down with Mark in the tub. He wanted me for me to molest Mark so that he could watch and get off on it. I jumped out of the tub and ran to my room. I knew that Angie was upstairs cooking dinner and he wouldn’t try to follow me. There are so many other times, like I said, these things occurred almost every day. The fondling, the begging me to stay home with him while Angie went out so that we could have sex, the waking me up almost every fucking night, while he was molesting me. I lived there for three years. Towards the end of this I told Angie that he was molesting me one night. She didn’t believe me! She told me I was making things up and that Ronnie would not molest anyone. This hurt the most, because I loved Angie to death like the mother I never had. After this I had a very abusive boyfriend. He would sleep with me, when he wanted, regardless of my protests. I was 16 at the time and he was 19. I guess you could call this rape. I never have because, since we were officially going out I thought that he would have permission to do whatever it is he wanted with my body, regardless of what I wanted. The first time I ever slept with him was fine. The next time I begged him not to. He got all pissed off. He said that he would get blue balls and it would be painful. Still, I told him that I was in pain also. He had been rough with me the first time around, and I was raw and sore. He climbed on top of me and started kissing me. I was wearing boxer shorts with no undies. He pulled one of the legs to the side and pushed his penis inside of me. He stared having sex with me while I lay on the bed crying. This happened almost every other time we had sex. And I stayed with him for a little over a year. Shortly after this I was over my next-door neighbor’s house Stan. I had spent the night and was sleeping on the couch. I thought Stan was a really cool guy, both of his kids were neat. Well the next morning I am sleeping on the couch and when I wake up I fell someone’s hand massaging my crotch. I know that it’s Stan because I heard him cough. He was rubbing my crotch from the outside of my pants. I totally blanked out all my muscles went limp, and I tried to fall back asleep in the middle of this. He stuck his hand up my shirt and began fondling my breasts he then leaned over and began to suck on them. When he was finished doing that he stuck him hand down my pants, and put his fingers inside of me. He did this until his daughter woke up, and then he left me alone. It seams as if I will never stop being molested I don’t know why but I seam to very vulnerable, and an easy target. While it will take me a lifetime to heal from this, I am on the road to recovery.

Love,
Lee
 


I was raped 10 years ago. I was in college and I went home for Thanksgiving. I opted out of a day-long church event with my family. Our big family celebration was going to be the following day. A guy I had gone out with a couple of times in high school dropped by and I let him in. I can still see clearly myself turning the lock, opening the door, shutting it behind him. I didn't know he had a knife. I don't know if he planned to rape me, or if he decided on the spot. After he left I took the longest shower I had ever taken.

My father was a cop. I didn't tell anyone. I was terrified that no one would believe me. That my parents would tell me that I should have known better. I should have gotten stitches from where he cut my leg, but I didn't. I tried to put it all behind me and forget. That only worked for a year.

The next Thanksgiving I stayed at school. It was that anniversary that made me fall apart. I told boyfriend at the time. He acted supportive, but was soon abusing me, cheating on me, telling me I was trash and lucky he paid any attention to me. I got to believing that, and put up with it for months. He would get drunk and force me to have sex, telling me that I deserved it. I believed that for a long time.

I'm finally coming to terms with all of this. Anniversaries are the worst part. I've finally found someone who supports me and makes me feel safe, and that is the most important thing of all.

Thank you Shannon and Heidi for creating this site. You've done something truly priceless.

becky
 

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