I don't know if i can do this but i'm gonna try. it all started amost exactly one month before my 13th birthday. now i'm sitting here 3 years later still liveing in hell. it was a hot summer day and i was home alone. all the doors and windows were open to let the air in. i was in my room listening to music through my headphones and didn't hear him come in. suddenly there was a gun pressed against my head and a voice telling me if i made any noise i'd be dead. this is where it gets all blurry. my memory blocked it out and it's been hard to recall any of it. he threw me down on my bed and, keeping the gun to my head, pulled my clothes off. i went in and out of conciosness but i do remember feeling him enter me and thinking why me? what have i done to deserve this? after a while he was just gone and i passed out. i slept until the phone rang. it was my new boyfriend Ryder and the instant he spoke it all came rushing back. i couldn't deal so i broke up with him. th! e sad thing is i didn't tell him why. i didnt tell anyone. not for nearly a year. Then nearly a year later Ryder and i were best friends but we were arguing alot because i was not dealing at all and i was being such a bitch. i was in hell. i thought it was my fault. finally i told him and he was there for me. but not really. he was having problems of his own and needed space. i became deeply depressed and tried to kill myself numerous times. my parents decided to search my room and found a suicide note. instead of asking me what was wrong they yelled and told me i was stupid and just totall tore in to me. from that day on i have always hated them. i went through anorexia but that just made me feel worse. then last year i began cutting myself. i have approx 50 scars on my left arm from it. still no one knew. i finally began to trust a guy, tim and was happy with him till i told him my story and he left me. i really don't blame him. then i began freshman year and i told my 2 be! st girl-friends. they were supportive but totally naive. then i met another guy and we dated. one night he tried to get me to have sex with him and i refused so he beat the s**t out of me. we broke up soon after. around christmas time i met this incredible guy, jason and we became friends. eventually my story came out and he was there for me. he forced me to talk about it and i hated him for it at first but then i realized it was working. jason is now my best friend and he's getting me through alot. i've stopped cutting myself, i'm not as paranoid, i'm comfortable with being home alone. he's wonderful. if he sees some guy getting up on me and i look unhappy about it h'll raise hell. i'm healing a little more eery day and i hope that by my 16th birthday in 3 months i'll be totally ok. thank you for taking the time to read this and thank you jason. i'll always love you.

Annie
 


My name is Candice. I am 16 years old. I wasn't raped, but I was attacked. There were things leading up to the actual attack, and to this day I blame myself for not doing something to stop it. Not that I didn't want to, but because I just couldn't. I was consumed with fear. I was called names by this guy my freshman year. (I'm a junior now so this is still fresh in my mind). He started off by calling me "Stupid B--ch" or "Stupid Crack whore"... names I have no idea why he called me. After time he began to touch me. I'd tell him to stop... then he'd remind me he had is knife with him and if necessary he'd take it out. After a while he made me so sick, I stopped eating. It hurt to eat. I started to cut myself. Mostly my arms and my wrists. It was the only thing I had control over. He told me, and I remember his exact words, monorisms, to this day... "I'll f-ck you before graduation, whether I have to rape you then kill you after ward." He meant it. He had this fi! re in his eyes when he said it. He would grab my breasts, try to undo my pants and attempt to put his hands down them. Then after living like this every day... I just... I would look for ways to avoid it all. I would fake illnesses, I would do anything. Then the day came... he pinned me against a wall... in school of all places. He put a knife to me. He told me what he wanted... then he gave me 10 seconds to tell him whether I wanted to live or die. I was so angry and hurt that this guy had control over me. I didn't know what to feel but fear. I wake up at night in a cold sweat to this day... I feel the cool blade of the knife, I smell the stench of cigarettes on his breath, I see his eyes, I feel his hands. I did get out of that hallway. I don't know how, but I did. I was so afraid that I didn't tell anyone. A few times after that he tried to force me to perform oral sex on him. I still feel dirty. Time has passed and he dropped out of school in the middle of this year... but the damage is done. I was a lead in one of our plays. I played a pregnant 19 year old, her husband beat her... practices went extremely well. Then... come the performance... when the guy that played my husband hit me... I wasn't there... I was under the control of Jack(I had to change the name, for I am not ready for people to know about me and he might give it away). I said all my lines, went through all the emotions, but I was living a flash back. I was living under the blade of his knife, I smelled him, I felt him. He prevented me from enjoying MY MOMENT doing what I LOVED MOST. I still need help. I am getting stronger, but I need to talk to someone. No one is available. No one. If there are others out there, please share your stories with me. Sometimes I just need to be reminded that I am not alone. I hope I haven't offended anyone with my story, just because no intercourse occured. I still have to deal with the emotional rape. WE need to stay strong. WE do need to break the silence. We need to learn from our experiences, let the bad things help us make something good. Thats what I intend to do, but I need help with my emotions along the way.

Candice
 


I wanted to update this some what. So, here I sit again typing.

I was 13 young and adventerous. I would go to the library with my parent's thinking that I was there to study when really I was there to be cool and hang out. Three boys about the same age as I came in. I knew the one from childhood when he lived across the street. Never did I think he would have anything to do with anything like this. We went outside to smoke a cig. While we were out there the one boy took me on the side of the building tellin' me he liked me and wanted to go out with me. One of the others would do the same. Trading back and forth I felt some what special. I was a geek in school, unwanted. We then went to the boys house that I knew from a kid. The one boy David (not his real name) took me under this porch. The others on watch. It was February and ohh so cold. David was kissing on me and making me feel some what important and then started to pressure me to have sex with him. I said no so many times but he kept persisting. His friends comin back to check and see how far he had gone. I felt pressure, anger, fear of what he would do if I struggled. He was much bigger then me I feared him. I gave in then finally to pressure and fear. While he was raping me his one friend came down under the porch and turned on a light stood there watching.. I called him a nasty name not caring at the time at all and I don't regret it either...(he was black and I'm not racist).He then came towards me and was yellin and threatening to beat me...The other kid pulled his pants up and walked off like nothin' This kid that was threatening me was now trying to make his moves on me. My worst fear can't they just leave me alone now I did what they wanted. I went to the front of the house and fell to the ground found a piece of glass and started to cut myself. I wanted to die then and there. The one kid I knew growin up .... how could you do this to me? how could you let this happen? why didn't you stop them? My friend was there with me and had no clue as of what to do. We went back to the library. My dad picked us up and asked me what was wrong. I didn't reply. We got home and I took a bath tryin to scrub all that was wrong off of me. I feared the next day. I had to ride the bus with the one kid that threatened to beat me. I dreaded it. I was at a baptist school at the time and had to wear skirts.And this school was of no help at all ... I was thrown out of the school... called a whore by my bible teacher.. had a kid jump up in the middle of a class and call me a slut! and run off ... of course I provoked him as the teacher said. At that point I would wear pants until I got to school and then change. He didn't go to the same school thank goddess. My parents found out cause of how much I changed and went thru my things and found a note to my one friend bout it. This was two months later. I went to the police with my parents. They brought me into a room and put me thru the whole thing all over again. And for what?? NOTHING!!!! He was a minor don't you know they can't do anything bout it. One year later, I'm slowly startin to heal and I end up goin to the school where my rapist once went too and all his cousins where still there. They knew who I was. I was thrown into lockers called a whore and everything else..I was afraid to be in school so, I wouldn't go... My mother knew what was goin on so would let me just do what I had to do she was clueless as how to help me and my dad was out of state at the time...

I became anorexic for a while after... I was dating my daughters father at the time who was practically my saviour at the time cause of all he had done for me... I guess one good thing happened out of all of this aye? I started eating again when I found out I was pregnant but am still very badly scared from all of this... I am now married with two beautiful children and a WONDERFUL husband... My self esteem and self worth will never ever be the same again though....

It has been 6 years now since this has happened.... I have now looked for Tori for inspiration... My husband introduced her to me and I thank him for that and everything else in my life! Thank you both! I love you Jason!

Laura
 


It has never been easy to say what happened to me...whenever I say it out loud I don't hear my voice...I hear the words, as if it's someone elses story. There are so many times where all I can think about is the past, the rapes, the horror, the agony and the aftermath...and other times, I think that I'm making it all up...until I look and see my scars...then it all comes back to me. I was so young. Sometimes, I wish he had just murdered me right there...it would have saved me so much pain. It's been 5 years, and to this day, I feel like I have a but "R" written on my forehead, I feel like everyone knows...I still have that sickening feeling in my stomach...and I still don't feel like myself. The past few years have been nothing but thoughts spinning around in my head...thoughts of the past and the future. I've never had the strength to say his name...I've never told anyone except my friends...I've been too scared, too petrified that he'll find out and do it again...and again.

It started when I was 11. The guy next door to me used to check in on me when my mom wasn't home every now and then just to make sure I was ok. One night, I was home and watching TV when he knocked on the door. I opened it basically because I knew him and I invited him in. I asked him if he wanted some water and he said "sure"...I walked into my kitchen and got some glasses out. My back was turned to him. He put his hands on my barely-there breasts and made some comment about how fast I'm growing up. I just turned around quickly and handed him his water. I shrugged it off as an accident.

I didnt really think about it after that...a year later i was waiting on the bus stop and he drove by and asked me if I wanted to go riding with him after school...(riding as in horses) I said "yeah!" and he said...OK. Come over after you get home and I'll take you. After school, I knocked on his door and I went into his house. I asked him when we were going riding and he said "not today" I was confused...he said "come here" and he led me into his bed room. He told me to look at the picture on the wall...it was of a jockey jumping over a fence...he pushed me down on my stomach. I was in Catholic school at the time and I was wearing the standard skirt and button down shirt uniform...he told me to stay still...I was too stunned to answer. His hand touched my ancle and I turned around really quickly and yelled "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" he just laughed and got on top of me. He was so heavy compaired to me...I could hardly breathe. His hand was clawing away at my shirt buttons and he was snapping them open. He told me to relax and shut up. I closed my eyes then...i didn't want to watch. I felt his hand slide up my leg and his fingers go inside of me slow at first then faster and faster. I began to cry. he lifted up my bra and began to grap, touch and suck...i just cried. He seemed to get angry all of a sudden and he un did his pants and moved my underwear off to the side and literally slammed into me. I whimpered and he hit me. It seemed to last forever...but eventually he was done. He grabbed the air freshener and sprayed it and started licking me...i tried to move away but he just bit the side of my leg really hard (the marks are still there) I don't remember how I got my clothes on again...but I walked home, it was already dark. My mom asked me how my ride was. I said alright. and I took a bath. I sat there and washed and washed trying to get it all out of me...but it wouldn't. I still to this day feel it. I feel it all over me, in my tears, in my sweat, in my blood. It never left. He raped me one time after that...in his car. This time he left so many scars...I've passed them off as being from hockey, or soccer or falling...but I know the truth...

They tell their stories.
and I've told some of mine...

Stay strong.
Jenn
AOL IM: FaerieMae
 


As I sit here and contemplate where exactly I should begin my story, the tale of my tragedy, I'm listening to Tori Amos "Little Earthquakes" It's the only Tori CD I have for the moment but I swear I would sacrifice my right arm before I'd give it up. In any case, this is where my story begins.

I was 7 years old when my mother began beating on me. Perhaps you are thinking all parents spank their children. Well this wasn't spanking. It was outright boxing. For as long as I can remember she had treated me as the blacksheep. Treated me like a dead rat, casting a stench on her dainty flower garden. But I loved her immensely, I still do. This is predominantly why I am not including my last name. In any case for the entire 15 years of my life before she abandoned (perhaps mercifully) my siblings and I, I lived with my arms over my face. Her constant physical as well as mental and emotional abuse of me was extremely detrimental. In the month of my ninth birthday I began menstruating. This was very hard to deal with. I had no one around I felt like I could trust and there was no one in the rest of my third grade class who was going through the same. I wore a C bra before I graduated from elementary school. I was a very early developer.

Around the same time that I began menstruating, I was confronting the neighborhood bully. I wont mention her name due to the legal consequences etc.. but we can call her Jessie. Jessie used to corner me with a group of much older girls (she herself was two or three years older than me but my appearance always got me in situations much like the one Im describing) In any case. She would bully me into "being her friend". My first sexual encounter, the manner in which I lost my 'spiritual or mental' virginity was playing house as a nine year old girl with a twelve year old girl. She always wanted to be daddy and I would be the mommy. She would 'hump' me and force me to 'kiss' her vagina. Maybe it was because I was already menstruating and my hormones were already functioning, but physically or sexually it was pleasurable. But I was so torn up with shame and guilt that I consider it rape. I begged her not to do it. I told her I didnt want to play 'house' anymore but she was my bully. She made me do alot of things that caused me alot of pain. The one thing that many people can't understand is the intense shame that reminas with people who are sexually abused. And the guilt is unbelieveable. In any case. I continued to go around this girl and one night while I was staying at her house, her mother's boyfriend who was not only working on 60 years old but also happened to be her mother's biological uncle, came over to me and began rubbing my breasts. He said to me as he did ,"Oh yeah they're growing big aren't they?" after wards he reached doiwn and put his hand between my legs. Luckily for me Jessies mom came in the door forcing him to back off. You know what my mother said when I mentioned the incident with Jessies 'stepdad'? She said "So what you got felt up a little bit.." I think when she said that was when I really buried the shame and guilt I have always felt about all of these situations. Anyways let me finish telling you of the incidents. Later that night while spending the night with Jessie, I was made to sleep on the couch in their living room while everyone else was in bed. In the middle of the night, something happened to me. I cant recall exactly what it was. I think I had woken up with her 'stepdad' atop of me , but I have been pushing these incidents so far inside of me that I couldn't say for certain now. I just remember falling asleep in her living room and then running barefoot to my house. Now that I have children of my own I wonder how my parents didnt notice the differences in me. You can even see it in pictures of me from before all of these things happen till now. I was a very skinny little girl until I was raped and molested. You can see in my second grade school pictures I was very small and fragile looking. In my fourth grade school pictures, I became more 'huskey' looking and less happier looking. I'm just now starting to deal with these things which have affected my entire life. It was hard enough growing up in Baltimore City where violence and crime were part of the lifestyle , I'm not sure where exactly Im trying to go here. Sometimes I feel like my rape was lesser than a rape because it was not physically painful in fact it was physically pleasurable besides my stomach hurting terribly from all the guilt and shame. If perhpas my rape was not rape at all since I wasnt penetrated. Sometimes I feel like it was entirely my fault. I used to dance around and dress up like Madonna. Had my breasts not been so big would I have been a fan favorite for the pedophiles?

Since my rape I have hidden my feelings with severe depression, eating disorders and self loathing. I sometime wonder if I will ever stop feeling dirty. These things have affected my entire life. I am constantly questioning my sexuality. Thus far I am pretty sure I am bisexual. I think it is inevitable. I feel a subtle hatred towards men. I cant even begin to blame Jessie for what she did to me because I know if that man had tried to rape me and had touched me how he did that she had gotten far worse than what I had. As far as the abuse from my mother, that is getting a little easier to deal with. I am not very good at blaming her either. Her father was an alcoholic and did the same to her. I know it isnt entirely her fault. I think her father lives(d) in her and I always reminded her too much of herself. Im not sure. I just hope that one day she will admit she has a problem and admit what she did to me and my brothers and sister and maybe apologize. Well this is my story. I hope it has helped someone out there. I am only recently beginning to open up about these things. I thank the birth of my daughter and the music of Tori Amos for these things. It takes alot to face things that make you feel shame. It really does.

Amanda


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