I am 18, and doing OK as a college freshman. Although I did not always think that I would make it this far. I no longer feel like an outcast or like ending it all. It has been over 2 years now, as I was16 when it happened, and I just feel so much stronger. Strong enough to tell my story.

It is hard to believe that I can get this out in the open now, but I have had some good help from a new bf in my life, and I feel a lot stronger and safer. Hopefully my story can help someone else to be brave and go forward with their life. I can never forget, but I don't always have to remember!

They called it "my sweet16 party" except it couldn't have been further from the truth for me. It was a party, but not very sweet! Although I felt ashamed, and that I must be to blame, since I felt like I shouldn't have been drinking or acting the way I had, but I know now that it was not really my fault, and that I did not deserve to be forced to the raping, sodomizing, and disgrace of having to swallow them so I wouldn't get pregnant. I know now that t was not my fault!

I had been going to the frat for just hanging out and especially for their dance parties since I was 15. I met a guy, Kevin, and I was dating him then so being accepted was way easy. Although I was usually the youngest person there, I was able to fit in just fine, and and make new friends. Besides, I dressed older, acted mature, and I was lucky enough to meet a lot of fun people. And sometimes the other guys would be dating girls my age, so it was no big deal. Except after I broke up with kevin, then everything changed.

Kevin wanted me to go all the way, only I wanted to stay a virgin until marriage. Plus I was very worried about getting pregnant!! since my mother would have disowned me. I thought that I could make him happy and I gave him blow jobs a lot, but after a while, he just started bugging me all the time for it. Then he talked me into letting him go in my butt since I would still be a virgin and would not get pregnant. I let him but I couldn't take it since it hurt to bad, and I made him stop after he pushed into me a couple times. He got mad and said I was a cock-tease, even though I wasn't, and after this we started fighting all the time and I just didn't like him anymore.

So I broke it off. He was angry and said I was just a slut anyway and that he never loved me even though we had dated for a year. Since he was in the fraternity, I worried that I would not be able to keep going to their parties even though I had made other friends. Luckily, some of the guys liked me and they would page me a lot and tell me that I could come. But then, going to the parties was not much fun anymore since some of the guys started being mean to me and whispering things like cock-teaser and butt-fucker behind my back, and they would be perverted when we danced like rubbing on me with hardons and grabbing my body and stuff. Once they spiked the drinks and I had gotten way drunk so they pulled up my dress after I passed out and I woke up on the floor with everyone laughing and some beer being spilled on me. Needless to say I was totally humiliated! I had been drinking a lot at the time and I thought about quiting forever.

I was never going to go back, except two weeks later when one of the guys I still trusted and had a crush on called me and told me that he was really drunk and really sorry that he didnt stop it, and that he knew it was not funny and a very mean thing to do. Like a fool I thought Steve was being a nice guy and so I accepted his apology. Plus I thought that it might be a good way to make Kevin jealous

I had always thought he was cute and had a crush on him even when I was seeing Kevin, and so that weekend I went to their party hoping that I would get a chance to flirt with him and maybe get him interested in being my bf. And I was having a hard time getting along with my Mom and school was sucky, so I wanted to have a really great time. I put on my favorite dress and went with a smile. I knew that if I had a chance to flirt with Steve that I could get him excited for me and I thought at the time I would suck him like crazy and he'd be hooked on me. And at the party, I really was having a fun time. Finally, I was not being ignored or being treated bad, except by this one jerk who I had never met before. He kept putting his hands under my dress and screaming out that I had no panties on, which was a lie. I was dancing and having lots of fun though, but it turned out that Steve told me he couldn't date me cause he was still best friends with Kevin. He said that if I wanted to have sex he could go for that but not be with me as my bf. It was pretty lame I thought but I knew there were other guys there so I didn't let him ruin my night and plus lots of the guys would want me if I tried to get them to like me that way.

And I was able to get lots of attention from other guys at the party, especially since only a few other girls where there so it was going pretty good. It was like after midnight anyway and that is when people started to leave. The last 2 girls there looked kinda sleazy and it was then that I was shocked since it turned out that they were strippers, and that they had been paid by the guys to be there and do a dance. It was a big turn off and even though I had been having fun, I was going to leave right then and there. But Steve was there and said they would be leaving in like 5 minutes, so dont worry about it. And he was right. They left after a few songs of stripping and acting like lesbians.

Steve had gotten my drinks for me that night, since he was the only one I trusted after what happened the last time. The drink he got for me this time though, must have been spiked, since it was at this time that I could really feel my head start to spin and I was dizzy and I thought I was going to throw up. I felt better after I sat down for awhile. The guys started hollering for me to do a dance for them. I was feeling better and I liked to flirt so I did a little dance. I guess it was all just a setup, and I should have known better.

After I got up and danced a little, and flashed them kinda like the strippers had, they said that that was a good warm up and that they knew I was ready for some action now. I laughed at first and said, yea you wish, but then one of them said that I wished, and he said it in a mean way and not joking at all even though the other guys laughed and another guy said that I was going to get my wish come true, a gang bang. It was then that they raped me.

I was almost totally in shock and even though I almost felt numb, I didn't want this too happen and I pleaded no many times.

Could I really be raped is all I could think. And then I started to cry when they put their fingers in me saying "mmmm good and juicy, she must like this guys". In tears I thought, I'm a virign and this is how I will remember my first time forever!!! Some guys lined up behind me and I tried to get away but they were rough and just didn't care. They kept saying how I really wanted it and "I was all wet like a good slut" and gross stuff like that.

After they all raped me, I was laying there humiliated for all they had done to me and asking them why, "How could they". They just said it was my sweet16 party and that they did it all the time. I wasn't anything special and besides I had wanted it. And if I said anything to anyone about it, then "they would come and get me again, except this time it would be worse with more guys gang banging on me". Which believed would happen!

Even though I can never forget I can go on and make something of my life and I know someone will love me. I only hope that others who have gone through rape like I have, can be with courage! My prayers are with you always!

Terri
ICQ#: 40424592
 

 

I thought healing was difficult, I never realised that telling my story for the first time, in whole, would be devastating, but I need to. Please forgive me if some of this is jumbled, because this is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

I am 19 years old, and apart from three months of my life, I am a happy person, I've had a great life. When I was 9 I moved to Portugal with my family to learn Portuguese. I was placed, with my younger sister, in a Portuguese school, where the teacher supposedly spoke english. She spoke three lines, and I spoke no portuguese. I was put in fourth grade, and I was given a seat near the wall, but I couldn't see. In retrospect, since I didn't understand, I don't know why I moved, but it turned out to be possibly the silliest thing I've ever done. I was put next to a 14 year old boy, don't ask me what a 14 year old boy was doing in fourth grade, I don't know. He started to touch me on my knee, I would move away, but there was nowhere to go. He used to come up behind me in line and rub against me, and once again, there was nowhere to go. It was a catholic school, they didn't understand me, I didn't understand them, there was no where to go.

Things got progressively worse, he would shove his hand in my crotch, and, take himself out of his pants and make me jack him off in class. It was sick, but I couldn't find anywhere to go. I was nine years old and scared, I'm still scared. After two months, one day he told me to go to the bathroom. I ignored him, but he got more urgent. So I went. I can still remember walking down that corridor, I don't want to but I can. It's in my nightmares everynight.

I got to the end, I went inside, god knows how he got there so quickly, I didn't have time to lock the door. He pushed me into the corner, pulled my pants down, pulled his down, and raped me. He left, and I washed myself off, and went back to class.

I went to sleep, I didn't want to remember I guess, so I didn't. The abuse continued, until I left, but I forgot about the rape. I started to remember a few years back, and lately it's gotten really bad. I suppose I've gotten used to the nightmares, but I wish they'd go away. I told my mother about the abuse when I was 15, she was mad that I hadn't told her earlier, so I don't want to tell her about the rape. She'll be supportive, but I don't want her to know. I don't need her pain as well. I have enough to deal with. Right now I want to heal, but since I see it every night in my sleep, I don't know how long that will take. Thank you for listening.

Sarah
 

 

Hi there. Guess it's time that I say something too. I remember my father, a bath, being two. I remember a man when i was 11. then a rape. then the eating disorders, cereal relationships, always moving moving moving.... i had the administrator who thought in money and flight and then this scary blob. and this worked, until last Sept.

I did it. went and fell in love. got married. started having panic attacks. got suicidal wrote poetry like a mad woman. Now I have someone that i can't snow. The money is bull-shit. my academia escape no longer useful.

i had a panic attack with his sister on the phone a few nights ago. she came and took me out. she had referenced my partner's last relationship (10 yr. ago.) it was all sex for me. and this confusion. this shifting of frames.

i realized that fear resides in the genitalia for me. as does sex, a natural response to loving. I keep feeling like I have been dropped off a roller-coaster, never to find my stomach again. I keep trying to reframe this as my abuse issues, not real trauma with my husband.

I try to remember that I am not dirty. that i can now trust. that i will get through this and even be able to handle the being like sex in movies.

I need to believe that I am good for so much more than sex. that who I am isn't my job, degrees, or how I make love. You know what I mean?

--Kate
 

 

I'm not sure if I'm ready to do this yet, but I think that now I have to. When I was 16 I went to a party with many of my close friends. We had all planned to sleep over because the party was in a house out in the country.I was always a melancholy person, I've never really been sure why. I'm very sensitive, so the world gets me down quite easily. I was younger than most of my friends at the time, not experienced with alcohol at all. I wasn't always a smart person. For some reason I thought that drinking meant getting plastered, so I drank, a lot. I'm not even certain how much or how quickly I drank, but I was drunk. Something made me sad at this party and I started crying. Wailing was in fact more like it. I'm sure I was quite the spectacle. Crying over a broken heart, teenage woes or frankly whatever had crossed my mind at the time. My friends were very comforting and after a couple hours I was subdued. I took refuge in the family room where I could be alone. This guy came in who I really didn't know. He was the older brother of a friend of a friend. He sat with me and was asking me why I was so sad. I started to spill my sob story again, grateful to have someone to talk to, still very drunk and dizzy. He suggested that we talk about it upstairs. I didn't suspect a thing. I remember friends pulling on my arms to get me to not go up and talk to him. But why was I supposed to be worried, he was just going to listen to me talk, which was what I really wanted. So I went upstairs with him. We talked for a little while, a friend knocked on the door to see if I was alright and I was at the time. I was so tired from all the drinking and crying that I was slipping in and out of consciousness. I get so angry at myself when I reflect on all the ways I could have stopped it, but hindsight is always 20/20. I don't remember when I finally passed out, but I remember clearly waking up. I've always avoided telling the gruesome details, but I have to say it now. I was on my stomach. He was inside me, raping me. I moved to get away from him, to get him to stop but he held my shoulders down and said "This will only take a minute more." I only seem to remember that moment, thankfully I suppose. I know he left the room and I know I somehow changed into my sleeping clothes and I climbed onto the top bunk of my friend's bunk bed and slept. When I woke up in the morning I couldn't express what had happened the night before. Not to myself, not to anyone. I threw up for the rest of the day, maybe the hangover, maybe the trauma, I really don't know. I didn't tell anyone what had really happened upstairs. If someone brought it up, I avoided the topic.

I managed to avoid the topic so well that I repressed the memory completely. I continued on through school. My grades slipped that year, and I remember being very sad and not really knowing why. I thought I was evil and worthless and that I didn't deserve anything good. I never let this unidentifiable sadness destroy me. The next year I was fine. Life was like I had been before. That year I went to see Tori Amos play. It was just after Under The Pink had come out. It was an experience that changed my life. I was enjoying the show, loving the music having a great time with my best friends. Tori played "Me and A Gun" and everything I'd repressed came thundering back. I'd never heard that song before then, and I haven't heard it since. I sat there crying, listening, changing. I tried to shove all the memories away again, but I couldn't do it anymore.

I started university that year and began therapy as well. He was going to the same school and dating a girl on my floor in first year. Thankfully she was always at his place and I only had to see him once of twice that year. By second year, I had panic attacks I couldn't understand after being exposed to triggers. I remember crying in the park in front of the house I was living in, barely able to walk, wishing I could melt my legs together so no one could ever get inside to hurt me again. No one seemed to be able to understand what I was going through. They all thought I was crazy and impossible to be around. I lost most of my friends that year, because I couldn't fake my way through all the hurt. I broke down. I moved home and I put myself back together. I still haven't told my family, someday I think I will.

I've stopped being afraid of him. The last time I saw him I wanted to walk up to him and say "I hate you", rather than wanting to run away and die. It has taken me 4 years to get to this point. I've lost a lot because of what he did. I never reported it, I wish I had been stronger and smarter then. I wish I didn't know what it felt like to hate. I don't want all of this negative energy. I'm still hurting. However, I've done really well and I'm proud of myself for that. He didn't destroy me, he didn't even come close. I still have an infinite capacity to love. I have a healthy and normal sex life. I even have a copy of Little Earthquakes now, of course my boyfriend burnt it for me and took "Me and A Gun" off of it. I'm sad about it today, but I'm not destroyed by it. I am more than surviving some days, some days, I'm winning.

Chelsea
 

 

I came home from working in a hayfield all day to find my best friends boyfriend parked in my driveway. He had a large bottle of vodka and because my parents were out of town for the week he wanted to have a party at my house.

I knew him through my best friend and said sure and went inside to shower and invite some people over. His girlfriend and a few other people came over and he made us all drinks. As it got later everyone went home, including my best friend after a fight with her boyfrined.

Then it was just us.

He asked me what would i do if he kissed me. I replied I would scream. He smiled and said "no one would hear you". It goes on, it gets worse, he rapes me in my own bedroom with the horses staring at me from the walls. No one heard me when I whispered no. He warned me not to tell, he told me I wanted it, he told me he loved me.

I told my friend, but I didnt know it was rape. She hates me for "sleeping with" her boyfriend. I think he raped her too. It was my first time, how was i to kknow that wasnt what sex was supposed to be like, i was 17 this was my "first time". I got up bleeding, took a shower and went to work. I missed my period the next two months and decided I would kill myself. then i thought there could be life in me yet, i should run away, have the child, leave it with my mom and then kill myself. i had a miscarriage, no one knew, and my reason for living died. then i took to burning myself to dull the pain growing inside of me.

i was listening to litte eartquakes one day - me and a gun and i began bawling. how could anyone hurt tori, how ould they rape her. i grew angry and sad and hurt. I must have cried for hours. and then i realized i was crying for us, not her. it was also my pain. and i felt and now i may heal.

yt


 

 

The day after my 11th birthday my father and I went out to eat, as we were walking out he remembered that he had left his keys on the counter so he told me to wait in the car WITH THE DOORS LOCKED so i waited in the car and of course forgot to lock the doors. Then just a few seconds later someone had the doors open and was pulling me out of the car, the man carried me to a place behind the resturant and held a knife to my throat and told me that I had to have sex with him or he was going to kill me. He raped me and only left a few cuts before my daddy came out and well of course beat the sh** out of him. Years after I had gone into a really deep suicidal depression I was diagnosed with being Bi-polar and having an anxiety disorder because of it so I took the stupid way out and tried to releive the depression by doing drugs and I finally met someone that I thought I could trust and be comfortable around but we were both strung out on Heroin all the tyme and he would make me do! things for other guys so he wouldnt have to pay for drugs. I left him after i nearly died and saw that what i was doing was wrong. This tyme I was sure i found the perfect guy his only problem was he had a bad temper so i just tried not to get on his bad site. One nite after we'd been together for about 6 months he made a really horrible comment to me and i stood up for myself, got on his bad side, about an hour later he raped me in the back seat of his car. This all this happened years ago and Im just now beginning to feel free enough to talk about the only people that new about the forst attack were my parents up until about 2 months ago then I told my boyfriend. He's totally supportive when I have my little bi-polar attacks. We are both strong suppoters of any kind of rape clincs including RAINN

THANK YOU for listening to my story be safe and remember you can make smart choices i encourage you to come out and speak

Princess Jessicat
 

 

hi, i have been visiting your site for a while and i decided it was time to share my story. i have never written it down before so i don't know how it is gonna sound. i feel sort of humiliated when i let people know what happened. i can't seem to get it into my head that it wasn't my fault. right now i can only tell my therapist and a couple of close friends. i would never tell my parents the details because they don't care anyway.

um so, it started in 1987 when i was six. my family and i used to go to a friends' house for thanksgiving parties every year with a bunch of people. my parents knew them from work. the hosts of the party had three daughters, all older than me. the middle one was thirteen when it started happening. She found me in the bathroom alone playing with a toy boat in the sink. she was nice to me and i liked that she showed me attention. everyone was older than me and too busy to care. i remember the bathroom really well. it was kind of dark because there were no windows, just an orange colored light on the ceiling. the walls were a peach color and there was a floral border pattern around them. i must have stared at that light on the ceiling forever. she gave me a hug and she wouldn't let go and i got nervous. i tried to get away from her grasp but she didn't let go. she got mad at me for some reason. she said we were gonna play a game about rape. i didn't know what that word was, but i knew it wasn't good. she told me to lay on the floor of the bathroom and she locked the door. i wouldn't move so she dragged me to the ground. i got really scared when she locked the door because i had no way of escaping. she took off my clothes and i started to cry because i was so scared. she punched me in the stomach and told me to shut up or she would hurt me even more. i was frozen in fear, then she started touching my body and i was so uncomfortable and it felt dirty. then the pain came she stuck her fingers inside me, like three of them, i wanted to scream. i stared at the light on the celing and i felt like i was floating the pain was unbearable. when she was done, she got up and left. i was bleeding and i didn't really understand why. i thought she had cut me and ripped me open. at home, i hid any evidence of blood from my family. i didn't want them to know how dirty i was.

she continued to do this to me everytime my parents dragged me to their house, which was about five times a year. one day it got worse. she entered me with a long knife. i guess it was blunt but it hurt more than anything i felt in my life. my parents never seemed to understand why i would cry and protest every time we went to their house. it contnued to happen for two years, then she lost interest in me. looking back, i hope that she didn't find someone else to prey on.

people always ask me why i didn't do something to stop her. i don't know the answer to that question, but it pisses me off when they ask. do they realize the fear i was feeling? do they understand how small i was? no one seems to get it. even i don't sometimes. for example, how could a 13 yr old come up with that stuff? how could they be so cruel? she fucked up a lot of my life. a part of me died. actually i feel like all of me has died. i feel like a zombie walking through life for no reason. i just go thru the motions of life trying not to feel the pain. sometimes i get so angry i feel like i am going to explode. that's when i cut myself. anyway, thanx for taking the time to read my story. i really wish i could talk to tori sometimes. she really helps me get through my pain and she doesn't even know it. i feel so helpless like i am a nobody desperately trying to reach her in a sea of faceless fans. oh well...i just wanted to thank the people who put this site together. i think it helps a lot.

Meandagunn@aol.com
 


 

 

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