I was in foster care..one of the guys there,about 16 or so.it kept on ahppening from when I saw about 3 or 4 'til I was 7...again and again..nobody know..my memory supressed..I only remebered it last year..I've only told one person...

I hate the fact that the day May 4th,1998 will forever be etched into my memory as a day of betrayal. Eric and I had been friends for nearly four years but on May 4th it can to a sudden end.

Eric and I had tried to take our friendship to another level once a year before but it didn't work out. He went back to his ex girlfriend for sex. I always felt a connection to Eric. I wanted to help him. He seemed so lost and angry. I wanted to make his life better. After he cheated on me, we stopped talking for a while.

Our conversations became more regular during April of my Senior year in High School. He had just broke up with his recent girlfriend and I wanted to make him feel better. He constantly brought up sex, and continually mentioned having sex with me. I always laughed and changed the subject. I didn't want to hurt his feelings. One night while talking over the internet he said he wanted to have sex with me. I didn't want have sex with him but at the same time I didn't want to hurt his feelings. I told him if I decided to have sex with him I would meet him at the green house in our school the following day. I had not intention of meeting him there.

The next day I left school as fast as I could. I was just putting my food in the microwave when I saw his white BMW pull up in my driveway. Anxiety creaped up into my heart as soon as I saw it. I even thought about not answering the door. I ignored my intuition and I answered it.

He came inside and began talking to me. About thirty minutes into the conversation he moved next to me and kept telling me he knew I wanted to have sex with him. I lowered my head to miss his eye contact. He said this was because I really wanted him and couldn't look at him to tell him no. That is how bad I wanted him. I kept telling him I didn't want to so he begged me for just a kiss. I gave in, not wanting to hurt his feelings, but I told him we could only kiss.

After he kissed me he got up and said he hadn't seen my room before. I followed him upstairs to my room to tell him to leave but he picked me up and forced me onto my own bed. He took of my shorts and raped me. He told me "I'm Eric. I don't take no for an answer." That phrase still haunts me in my sleep. When he left my house he made me promise not to tell anyone and kissed me as if what he did was normal.

I told my friend Kelly that night. The following day I told my best friend Seth and my sister. Four days later I woke my parents up in the middle of there sleep and told them. They called the police. I was almost 2 o'clock in the morning when I left for the doctor and nearly 6 o'clock when I returned home. Two days later I attended my senior prom and tried to act normal. I knew my life would never be the same though.

The day after prom Eric admitted to me that he raped me first over the internet and then over the telephone which was taped by the police. On Monday he was arrested at school. He was released on bond and when he returned to school he told the world I was a whore. He told everyone I wanted to be his girlfriend, ripped of my clothes and threw myself at him. My reputation was ruined. He threatened to kill me and a teacher confidant and was removed from school. During my graduation people behind me whispered things into my such as "whore" and "to bad Eric isn't here." I don't know what was worse, the rape or the treatment I recieved about it. I lost nearly every friend I had that week. If I didn't lose them that week I lost them over the next couple months. I became to much for people to handle. Nobody wanted to deal with my situation.

Nine months after my rape it finally went to court. He was found not guilty. He was found not guilty even though I testified, the police testified, the Saine nurse who examined me testified, pictures showed the buising and the tearing that is only caused by rape, and Eric admitted over the telephone that he did it. All he had in his defense was his testimony. I'll never understand why he was found not guilty. I'll never understand any of it. Now I am just trying to come to terms with it.

It's still incredibly difficult for me to talk about. My parents always push the subject so I've slowly grown to resent them. It's hard most of the time because I still haven't found anyone I trust to talk about it. I've gone to a couple of therapist but haven't been comfortable with any of them. I've lost all my friends and the few I do have are just surface friends. Nobody who cares to listen. It's really hard for me because I constantly feel like a burden. I don't want to weigh people down with my problems. It's been a year now and I just keep hoping I will be able to open soon. I know I shut myself to everyone. It's hard to trust anyone again because I really trusted him and wanted to help him.

My only hope is that I prevented him from doing it again. I know he was abusive to all his girlfriends and he raped me. I just hope I threw it all back in his face and scared him enough not to do it again.

Kristy
 


Being molested when a small child and then raped by the first "real" boyfriend I can understand what many people can feel inside when saying something can make all the difference on weather you can survive in a world of shame, fear, and sorrow. All I can say to the people is to have courage within yourself to do more than I did and to love the people who really matter in your life and to know the difference.

Love Always,
Naomi
 


I think my abuse by a close family member started around at least 3. I'm not reallly sure. I remeber the feelings of being absolutely nothing and worthless started around the age of 5. I would cry to myself knowing that I was dirty and filthy and that I wasn't deserving of anyone's love. At 9, I started thinking of ways to kill myself. Anything to numb this nameless pain I was feeling. Anything to stop these strange dreams I would have of this little girl struggling, wanting to stop the person who was hurting her, but I always would wake up before I ever saw their faces. It wasn't until I was 13, sitting in class, reading a magazine article on incest and sexual abuse that I realized that little girl in my dreams was me.I just laid my head down and cried for both the relief that comes when you finally know what is happening to you and to mourn the death of the little girl that was never meant to be. It took me 4 more years to find people that were actually willing to acknowledg! e my pain and offer to to help me. My highschool had just started a counseling program for drugs and alcohol problems in the school. Luckily for me, the head counselor had training in rape and incest abuse, and with her help I was soon able to start a survivor's group. It was a great success. I finally had the support I had always needed and later that year, under my counselor's supervision, I was also allowed to help counsel other female students in my school, and continued to do so until I graduated. I'm 23 now and I still have very bad depressions. I have good days and bad ones. But for me the pain has never really went away. I still cry myself to sleep at night and still have to tell myself that i am worthy of other people's love. I still tell myself that i am strong and that one day it will get better. On my bad days there are only two things that get me through the day, listening to Tori's music and looking into the face of my 10 month old son's face. Seeing him makes me realize there is a purpose to life and a chance to make a small difference in the world by teaching this new little person to respect women, life, humanity, and to protect those who are weaker that him. I see in him all that was so brutally taken from me. And most importantly, while I am teaching him all that, he is teaching me just how important and worthy I am of love and respect. And, maybe, just maybe, one day soon the tears will stop and I won't have to sruggle so hard just to smile.

Diane
 


Hi my name is Jamie I am 18 years old and have a story to tell. Just the other morning I was at the appartment where I was living and my boyfriend had come over. We have had sex a couple of times but on the morning of May 13, 1999 I had told him that I could not do anything because I had to go to school. But I guess that he did not believe me because he just raped me and what really got me was after he did it he asked me If I was mad at him. I did go to the school counselor and she got a hold of the police. And they had talked to me and asked me some questions about it. Of course it was hard for me to talk to a guy about it. That is only because when I was five years old my uncle sexually abused me and I have had a fear of being alone with guys that I don't know that well. But also today I have been threatened by two kids here at the school. One of the kids is my ex's nephew. And the other is one of his ex-girlfriends. His nephew said, "go ahead have someone get my uncle and see what happens." And his ex said, "are you still going out with him?" I refused to answer so she said, "are you going to answer me?" I shook my head no and she said, "you better answer my question." Then she said, "you better hope I don't see you after class or I will kick your butt." At that time is when she had to go to the office. I now have to be carefull every where I go and what I do.

Thank you for listening to my story.
Jamie L. Brown
 


My story begins at the age of 5yrs.old! My first sexual experience was being raped by both of my parents till the age of 18. I was raped by three other people in my life as an adult.

My last experience was the hardest time of my life. It was 4 years ago and I am just now dealing with the pain. It took me a long time to be able to tell my partner and was so afaird to tell her everything that just this last two months i was finally able to tell her everything that happened!

First of all after I was raped I went to the hospital and told them what happened and they said they didn't believe me and that the wounds were inflicted by myself. they did the exam but when I told them where it happened they didn't look in the proper place. I never felt so much pain and thought what the hell I was doing there because they didn't believe me.

I did see the police and did a drawing so they could find him and they never even looked. Now after 4 years I saw him walking down the street and tyhe fear of him scares me! When I saw him he looked at me the same way he looked that day!

I write music about the events that has happened and that helps but speaking out helps more! I have done Rally's and it was very powerful! The power in groups are better than dealing with it alone!

I have tried to committ suicide 7 times but now I realize that dying is not the answer, but by sharing my story with others is the way to get through the pain!

Sincerly,
Linda
ICQ#: Angel/26053797
 


Hi all. My story has been posted here already, but things that I left out because I forgot about them have come back and I think to make myself at ease I need to tell them to the world, so maybe I won't feel so alone anymore. Well, my cousins were the abusers, my cousin mindy and my cousin cj were the perpetrators. I have a lot of new memories of being at my baby sitters home, and CJ sodomizing me. I also remember them putting my head in the toilet and closing the lid down until it rested on my head, and then doing things to me. I also remember the bedpost, I remember them making me sit on it. I don't think that as a young child I was ever really threatened, but when I was 12, CJ put a double barrel riffle in my mouth and told me to suck it like his penis. If I didn't he would pull the trigger. He sat and jerked off while I did this. He made me do that a few times in the next weeks. I also remember them doing things to their cat. It wasn't done to me, but it was traumatic because I love animals and they used to make me watch. I don't know what this is classified as, but you know it is more them just abuse, it is pure insanity, I have been diagnosed as having DID/MPD, but gosh, I am beginning to see it as they are more insane then I am. CJ rode past my house yesterday and pointed his hand like a gun and sucked it as he rode past. What a freak!!!!! Anyway, I will keep you updated as my memories come back. Thanks for listening. If you want to mail me, or please do, cus I would like to know who out there knows more about me then my mother, please mail me at LilBabyAng@aol.com

Laura aka Piglet
 


Five years ago, on May 17, 1994, I was raped by two guys in my class. It happened in the boys' locker room late one afternoon. One of them held me down while the other one raped me. I was only fourteen and still a virgin. After it happened I was so scared, they had threatened me, and I told no one. After the rape, I began self-mutilation with needles and razor blades. It became my way of coping with what had happened to me. Over these last five years, I have attempted suicide three times, and cut and burned myself over fifty times. I have scars on my arms, which are daily reminders of my trauma. But the scars within me are so much more serious. It's like, the secret that I kept within me all of these years is finally being revealed through my visible scars on my arms. When I cut myself, it's like the blood represents all of this emotional pain that is pouring out. I have been hospitalized for my suicide attempts and self-mutilation ten times since 1996. I am nineteen years old and struggling to gain my life back. Although I have been in therapy since 1994, I don't think there is anything I can do to get my own life back. I am very tired and I cannot fight this war much longer. My life has been shattered, just like the saying "Sexual Assault Shatters Lives". I don't feel like I am alive anymore. Five years ago, those two guys who raped me, actually killed me, for I am dead on the inside and on the outside I am struggling to hold myself together. I don't think I'll ever have my life back.

Amanda
 


I was twenty years old, on july third my life would take a dramatic turn. I left the bar by myself. I was going to go to a friends house because I didn't feel like going home yet. I felt safe in that town. I was never worried. I used to walk at night in Chicago by myself, what was going to happen to me in this small town of montana? Instead of going straight to my friends house I decided to stop at my old apartment to get the mail.

I pulled up right next to the mailbox. As I got out I was thinking "god, it's really quiet out tonight. " I didn't see anyone around. I put my key into the box and opened it and grabbed the mail. I looked up and there was a guy standing next to me, he had his shirt pulled up around his face. I didn't really think anything of it. Nothing was ever going to happen to me, I was strong and could take care of myself. I said something to him like what's going on?

He grabbed me, the mail went flying everywhere. We wrestled around for a few minutes. I was screaming help the whole time, no one came to help. So many apartment buildings and no one came! He kept talling me to shut up or he was going to hurt me. He punched me once in the nose and along side of my face. I never shut up. He started to strangle me, That is when I shut up. I didn't need to die it wasn't my time. I still struggled. He started to pull down my pants, and then it occured to me what he intended to do. I pleaded with him, but to no avail. I could just see my keys dangling from the mailbox. I called him names. He just flipped me over and raped me from behind, i asked him to use a condom, I didn't want any diseases. I didn't want AIDS. I had survived this long without a disease, Now this bastard was going to give me one, I didn't ask for this. He continued, and I continued to call him names. He lost his hard-on and as quickly as came, he disappeared. I heard a door slam in the distance. I pulled up my jeans, my underwear still at my knees. I grabbed my keys and got into the car.

I drove to this guys house, an aquitance from work. I didn't know where to go, he was the closest to where I was. He also became my angel. We Called the police and they came to the house. Asked me some questions. I wouldn't tell them at which bar I had been at because I went there all the time and they knew me, I was under age and I didn't want to get them in trouble. They took me to the hospital for a rape kit. It was all just a blur. I stayed with my angel that night, he never left my side for the next month.

The next day the detectives came to his house and brought me into the station and asked me questions. I told them everthing I remembered. I relented and told them where I had been after they accused me of hiding somthing, Like I got into a fight with a guy at the bar, or maybe I left with someone and when I got home things didn't go as I planned. "obviously something happened to you, I can see by your face. But you aren't telling us the truth, Your story doesn't check out!" I never lied to them, I told them everything I remembered. They made me feel so helpless, so small. I think what they did to me felt worse then the attack. My attacker still roams the streets unpunished for what he did. To him wherever he is I hope he gets help. What happened to him that could make him do such a thing? I want him to know that I can rise above this, I am strong and getting stronger. Thank you to my angel that helped me through this he is the reason I go on.

Sarah
 
 


 


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