Victimization is hard to deal with but in the dealing with it lies the freedom of your life. Facing your abuse with the recognition that you don't owe the abuser any forgiveness is life freeing. The only person you have to forgive is the self that you hate for not being able to defend yourself.
Look in the mirror of today and know that you are a wonderful human being, beautiful, glorious because you are overcoming an inch at a time.
It is good to feel anger, hate, fury, hoplessness, despair, ups and downs. It is okay to be afraid, to cry, to howl, whine, laugh, feel joy, or not to feel at all. This is survival.
It is good to find one thing to laugh about for a minute. Did you know that if you can belly laugh for ten minutes it is worth as much as doing areobics for one Hour?
When I first got into therapy, I went out an bought the most beautiful doll I could find at a second hand store that I wanted to look like and carried her everywhere and said to myself I am that beautiful doll. I dress her in all I could afford to be pretty. My children thought I was weird but I improved immensely and then they thought maybe I wasn't so weird. I am now beginning to feel some of that beauty I first saw in the doll. It has taken awhile but I refuse to give one thought a day to the abusers who harmed me so much. I will not give them that much control over me. I have went back to college graduated at fifty and now teaching school. Life is good and when I have thoughts of the pain, I laugh for ten minutes at all the silly things I can find. I am a survivor!
It was six years ago, when I was 15 and a freshman in a prominent high school. I was young, innocent and impressionable.
The bell had rung, signaling the beginning of first period in five minutes. The main hallway was flooded with students. I was walking to class alone, when a male student, a complete stranger, walking in front of me, turned around and grabbed me between my legs. Hard. And he didn't let go. He just stood there, hands on me, smirking. I froze, shocked, terrified. When he did let go, I ran to class and told my teacher what happened. He rushed me to the guidance counselors' offices, where I told them what happened. I described the perpetrator, and they immediately knew who he was. Apparently, I was not the first person he'd done this to. He was suspended for a few days, a mere slap on the wrists.
The school told me not much else could be done, since all they had were a couple reports of this happening and no witnesses willing to admit what they'd seen.
Short of me taking legal action, there was nothing more the school could do, and they hinted around legal action would not be good publicity for the rapidly expanding school district.
The perpetrator's friends called me over the course of the next few days, berating me. Other girls he'd done this to, somehow found out I'd been the last straw for the school's administration, getting him briefly kicked out. Admittedly concerned what this would for her popularity, one of the girls telephoned me and yelled at me for having the nerve to get this guy in trouble. "What are people going to think about me?" she asked. "They'll think I'm a tattletale and no one will like me anymore. Guys will stop asking me out."
I told my parents.
They did not take it well.
My father had just lost his job and was already in an embittered state, and this just made him angrier. My mother wanted to know what I'd done to provoke this blitz attack. Surely, it was my fault. And I was vehemently discouraged from talking about it.
When David (that's his name, I can finally say it...) returned to school, he taunted me. He'd shoot me evil looks in the hallways, and would often walk by my locker and grab me again.
Afraid, and seriously doubting the school would do anything if I reported him, I didn't tell anyone.
By the end of the semester, he'd dropped out of school, but what he'd done stayed with me.
I stayed silent about what happened for six years.
A year after the incidents began occurring, I delved into a six-year battle with anorexia and bulimia, hospitalized twice, when I was 17. Purging made me feel clean. Like I'd somehow gotten all the bad stuff from *him* out.
I was depressed. I had nightmares (still do). I had (still do) neurotic fears, and don't like the dark or nighttime. I was filled with insecurity and self-doubt (I think that will take a lot of time to get over...)I had (still do) trouble with attachment relationships and trust, and eventually, sex.
Shortly after my 21st birthday, I began taking a prescribed, mild antidepressant (I still couldn't figure out why I felt so low). I got hooked on it and began abusing it. When I tried to stop taking it, cold turkey, I went into withdrawal and began suffering frequent, debilitating migraines (which I'd been having since childhood, only now they were getting worse...). In turn, I got hooked on the prescription I was taking for the headaches. Eventually, on my own, I broke myself from the addictions.
In February, I was folding laundry and half-watching 20/20. They announced the next segment would be about Tori Amos and how her music has helped many people, particularly those who have endured sexual violation. It seemed a certain song, "Me and a Gun," on Amos' "Little Earthquakes" CD, had served as a trigger for many survivors of sexual abuse and assault.
Then, a kind-of fan of Amos, my ears perked up.
The more I watched the segment, the more everything came flooding back to me. All those feelings and thoughts and memories I'd put away in a dark corner of my mind, came rushing back and I realized I had to start working through all this. I'd been seriously, sexually violated and I couldn't ignore it any longer. After the segment, I tracked down a copy of "Little Earthquakes" and played "Me and a Gun" over and over, stunned that someone had put into words what I was feeling, what I'd been feeling, in my silence. Finally, I knew what I was feeling was *normal* and I wasn't overreacting, as so many people had told me years ago.
And, I also discovered,I have the strength to save myself.
Jillene
One night him and i went on a double date w/ his friend and my friend Julie.We took seperate cars,which to me did'nt seem abnormal,well amybe it did.I dunno....I asked him where we were going?Chad..."Im not sure we'll just drive and find something".Something we did sometimes...I noticed we were heading out towards the mountains south of the city.There are some beautifull sight's frm the mountain looking down onto the city.I thought it would be cool, yet i felt a little nervous.As we were driving south, it was quite dark, cold and creepy.He made it even more creepy when he pulled out a joint and some booze.I refused the offer!No big deal i thought..Boy was i wrong!
We entered an area that was quiet and dark. Nothing around us but the desert.We parked.....and that's where my nightmare unfolded....I did'nt worry much since my friend Julie was nest to us in the other car.Did'nt think of the fact that it was cold outside and the body heat would steam up the windows iehter...What a dummy i was! We began to kiss a little, while he took breaks to tke a toke and a drink...A little worried now....not for what was going to happen , but driving home..Anyway, he managed to get me in the back seat,reluctant i was..but i went.I tried to strike up a conversation to avoid any hands on.That did'nt last very long...he forced his kisses upon me w/ his hands wondering around.I pushed them away and told him to stop. That did'nt work what so ever...He pushed me flat on my back,held my hands above my head,pulled my skirt up and my panties off."NO!" i yelled.....Stop please stop! He forced my legs up practically above my head and forced hid body weight against my legs so i could'nt move.....
Crying and in pain the whole time he just would'nt stop!I though NO ment NO....When he was finished,he asked me if i was on the PILL...What! I told him no i was'nt....that did'nt seem to faze him any..he went on as if nothing was wrong.No big deal!
I got out of the car and went and got Julie and told her that i wanted to go home now.She did'nt want to but she agreed too.As we left i could'nt stop crying, yet i did'nt tell her what just happened.To embarassed....She dropped me off at home and i ran straight into my room and cried all night.The next morning I came to realise that, not only did he rape me,but he ejaculated inside me.....Now I had a new fear..........
To make this already long story short.....I now have 12yr old daughter, soon to be 13.Who i love and cherish w/ all my heart and soul.No regrets at all having my duaghter.She's a beautifull girl and she makes me proud. I've learned to be a stronger person because of her as i greww older.Also,Tori Amos's music has helped me as well.Teaching me that, us as rape victims dont have to be victims any longer.....That's its time to move on and stop blaming ourselves....! What a graciuos soul Tori is.I thank her and my family soooooo much in making me a stronger woman. I am now married to a WONDERFULL MAN and have two other daughters as well.Whom i cherish and love dearly..I am whole and very happy now......To you my love(JIM), my family and to Tori Amos....THANK YOU!!!! I could'nt of done w/ out you and i thank you!
I tried to hide in my sister's closet, but he found me and pulled me to the bed by my hair. He tied me hands to the post with his belt raped me vaginally, anally and orally until he passed out. My sister came back and found me. We called the cops, but by the time they got there, Yogi had woken up and had somehow gotten out through my sister's second story window.
It was reported to the police, and the next morning, it was all over the newspapers and news. One week later, Yogi was found in a forest area near his apartment. He shot himself and had left a note saying he remembered what he had done and couldn't live with himself. I had known Yogi for a year, but had never seen him drunk. He was a really nice guy, and I think it took me longer to heal because I never got to confront him in court, and because he was a close friend.
My grandmother is coming down for mother's day, and I am not quite sure how to deal with seeing her when I know she knows. I don't think my story's finished, I don't think it ever will be. I still have many years of healing.
It's so hard for me to believe that the same thing that got me into trouble is now helping me. I remember that I met Cody over the Internet, We hit it off so well. After we talked on AOL, we talked on the phone a few times and then met. I don't really remember how it all came down to what happened. I know there were other people there, but for some reason I cannot remember them. We were watching a movie, and for some reason Cody and myself went into a separate room. We began kissing and things of that general nature, but when I wanted to stop, he didn't. I said no, but the look in his eyes told me that he wasn't going to stop. I remember the things that happened next, but after he took it so far, I blocked the rest out. To think of something so humiliating is one thing, but to have it happen to you is ten hundred times as worse. To know that you couldn't stop it, to know that somebody else was in control of what you were doing is terrifying. I remember the look in his eyes,! as I could see the violence in them, they could only reflect back the terror that was in mine. I began to cry as this animal took everything from me that I had ever had. He not only took my innocence but he took my self worth, my dignity, every ounce of pride I ever had, and ripped it apart. I sobbed inside, as I trembled on the outside. To think that I didn't do more to stop it is frustrating. To think that I put myself in a situation like that, and then I couldn't get out of it, makes me feel like a horrible person. I remember that while this was happening to me, I took myself to a totally different place. I put myself a million miles away, some place so much more beautiful. I look back on this and wish that I really could have been there. I don't really remember anything that happened after it, I don't remember how I left or how I acted. I know that when I got home the next day, I took the longest shower ever, trying to wash away the things that I did remember. I tried to ! put it behind me, but little did I know then, it was something I was going to be forced to deal with.
So Cody was a smooth talker, and he knew what I wanted to hear, after it happened I didn't realize that he knew just what to do to me, he knew just how to make me think that I trusted him, he knew just how to get my garde down. As I now realize that I am not the first girl he has done this to, and I sure as hell am not the last. I feel so bad for all of the people that he has done this to, and I feel terrible for the people that he will do this to, there is nothing that I can do though. I never even knew his last name. I just cannot believe that I fell for it, I fell for everything he had to say, and that alone is one of the worst feelings left from all of this. The night it happened was only one of the many horrible nights I would come to have. I never told anybody, because if I didn't say what happened, then to me it didn't have to be real. I waited and waited, for a month and a half after my rape, to get my period. It never came. I had horrible dreams, and I had visions! of killing myself, the rape was hard enough, but to actually think that I could be pregnant was horrible. I spent many nights crying, and trying to think of ways I could kill myself, without hurting everybody I really did care about. I was only sixteen for a month and a half when it happened.
I remember going shopping with my mother one day, and when I was in trying on some pants I looked in the mirror, and my belly had taken a new shape to it, it was then that I knew I couldn't deny it anymore. That night I went to the store and got a home pregnancy test, I took it the next morning. As I sat there in the bathroom, and saw the test come back positive I became hysterical, and I could feel the whole night come back to me, I could literally feel my entire world crashing down around me. It is so hard for me to deal with even today.
I carried the baby full term, and delivered him on April first of 1999, two weeks early. I love my son so much and miss him with all of my heart, but I know that he is going to have everything I never could have given him. I placed my baby for adoption three days after I delivered. Those days I had with him I will never forget. I know many of you might be thinking "how could somebody do that?" I did it for my son, if it was for me I never would have done it. I gave him a father he never would have had, and I gave him the mother that I wanted to be. I gave also a married couple a baby they never could have had without me. I know that my son will understand and love me for it.
I believe that things happen for a reason and just nine and a half months after my rape I am still surviving. It is hard, everything that I still have to deal with and face is hard. I am sixteen writing this, and living this nightmare. I still have trouble dealing with my rape, and having to be forced to deal with it, has been hard as well. I was tying so hard to push it away, but I couldn't.. it was impossible. to this day I still wake up with bad dreams of it happening all over again, but in a very different way.
I still cannot understand how somebody is capable of putting another human being through all of this. To be capable of ruining somebodies life like this.
I will never be normal again, and my life will always be affected. And for the next five years of my life I will always be scared every time I go in for HIV tests, because I know that it can take up to five years to show up. I have four more years to go, just because one has come back negative does not mean that the rest will. I will never be able to ever fully deal with what has happened to me, and I will never be able to completely move on for at least the next four years of my life. I honestly do not think I have HIV, but is something that nobody ever does know, until it's to late.
As Tori has said to achieve comfort on such a personal level again takes time, and as Tori has taken it, we all have to take it as well, one bead at a time. I just wish that my sting of beads wasn't so empty.
Sally
ICQ:37784658 (SilentAllTheseYears) / AOL:Talula1106
