I'm not really sure how to begin this because I really don't know where it began. I haven't told this story in any kind of detail to anyone. Ever. I haven't even allowed myself to relive it enough to do so. But I think it is time. 5 years ago, when I was 15, I met a guy named Jason online. He was 20. We chatted quite a lot and then started talking on the phone. I liked him. I liked the fact that he was older. I liked the attention because no one had ever really shown an interest in me. We decided to meet one day and so he drove over to my house when my parents weren't home and picked me up. I don't really remember where we went - I think to a movie or something - but we were out really late and eventually drove over to the lake behind my house. We sat there in his car for a bit, a silver RX-7, talking and kissing. He took down my pants and started rubbing up against me. This made me a little uncomfortable, but at the same time it felt good so I was kind of into it. But then I ! felt him try to actually get inside me. I said "wait". My mind was racing. Do I really want to do this? What am I doing!?!?! I don't want this! I was confused. I knew that I didn't want to do this. But a part of me wanted, needed so much to be touched. I was desparate for affection. But I was still a virgin and he knew it. I didn't want it to be this way. I remember looking out the window, sitting in the passenger's seat, leaned back, with him kneeling on the floor between my legs. He kept pushing in me. It hurt. I told him so. I said "wait" again because I couldn't think. And then he pushed again and I felt a sharp pain, and then I felt him in me. I began to cry. He said "Congradulations. You are no longer a virgin." he sounded triumphant. I was still looking out the window. Still crying, but barely. He leaned over and looked at me. "You're not going to start crying, are you?" I nodded no. He made me feel so small at that moment. He pulled up his pants and got back into the drivers seat. He said something about taking me home. So he did. He dropped me off and gave me a kiss and left.

I remember feeling a little sore. I remember feeling that I would never be the same. I remember walking around the house after he dropped me off and feeling as though a part of me was now missing. I was angry with myself. I asked my self why I did it. I was disapointed with myself. But I didn't think he had raped me. The idea didn't even occurr to me. Rape, to me, was violent, forceful, done against great protest. I hadn't protested. I didn't say no. I told him to wait and he hesitated - and then he went further. I hadn't fought for myself. So I went to bed.

I woke up the next day with a horrible, sinking feeling in my stomach remembering what happened the night before. I felt sickened with myself. What a fucking slut, I thought - I slept with a guy the first time I met him. I was pathetic. I couldn't stand the idea that I was that disgusting - to sleep with someone I didn't even know. So I called him. I called him and asked him to be my boyfriend. After some hesistation, he agreed. We were together for 7 months after that. I finally broke up with him.

Only now am I beginning to understand a little of why I decided to go out with this guy. It was the only way I could justify what I had done. It was the only way I could pretend. I told myself that it wasn't that bad to have sex with your boyfriend. That was normal. That was okay. I pretnded like this for several years - I conveniently forgot that first night. I broke up with him because he became a little controling and he scared me. I began to realize how messed up he was.

A couple of years after it happened I would at least admit I had been "coerced" into having sex. It wasn't until 2 years into my relationship with my current boyfriend that i began to look at it a little differently. And that was because it began to affect my sex life. I became repulsed by the idea of my boyfriend having sex with me, or me touching him. And only very recently have I realized that I was raped.

I plan to tell my mother soon. I thought it would never affect me but now I know that I need to work through it because it has permeated much of my life, either directly or indirectly.

I hope someone else might learn from this. I hope that I might learn from this.

Kristin
 


I was 13 young and adventerous. I would go to the library with my parent's thinking that I was there to study when really I was there to be cool and hang out. Three boys about the same age as I came in. I knew the one from childhood when he lived across the street. Never did I think he would have anything to do with anything like this. We went outside to smoke a cig. While we were out there the one boy took me on the side of the building tellin' me he liked me and wanted to go out with me. One of the others would do the same. Trading back and forth I felt some what special. I was a geek in school, unwanted. We then went to the boys house that I knew from a kid. The one boy David (not his real name) took me under this porch. The others on watch. It was February and ohh so cold. David was sayin sweet things to me and then started to pressure me to have sex with him. I said no so many times but he kept persisting. His friends comin back to check and see how far he had gone. I felt pressure, anger, fear of what he would do if I struggled. He was much bigger then me I feared him. I gave in then finally to pressure and fear. While he was raping me his one friend came down under the porch and turned on a light.. I yelled as loud as I could. He then came towards me and was yellin and threatening to beat me... my worst fear can't they just leave me alone now I did what they wanted. I went to the front of the house and fell to the ground found a piece of glass and started to cut myself. I wanted to die then and there. The one kid I knew growin up .... how could you do this to me? how could you let this happen? why didn't you stop them? My friend was there with me and had no clue as of what to do. We went back to the library. My dad picked us up and asked me what was wrong. I didn't reply. We got home and I took a bath tryin to scrub all that was wrong off of me. I feared the next day. I had to ride the bus with the one kid that threatened to beat me. I dreaded it. I was at a baptist school at the time and had to wear skirts. At that point I would wear pants until I got to school and then change. He didn't go to the same school thank goddess. My parents found out cause of how much I changed and went thru my things and found a note to my one friend bout it. This was two months later. I went to the police with my parents. They brought me into a room and put me thru the whole thing all over again. And for what ?? nothing. He was a minor don't you know they can't do anything bout it. One year later, I'm slowly startin to heal and I end up goin to the school where my rapist once went too and all his cousins where still there. They knew who I was. I was thrown into lockers called a whore and everything else..I was afraid to be in school so, I wouldn't go...

This happened 6 yrs. ago. It took plenty of time for me to get over this. I still have low self esteem and self hatred. I blamed myself for the longest time saying that it was my fault, I shouldn't have gone. I have learned to love myself and become strong from it. I thank Tori to for her music. She is such an inspiration. Thank you Tori!

Laura
 


I've decided finally to accept what has happened. I've have never really known my dad .He came around when we were young ,but we never had ,what you would call a normal father daughter relationship .I grew up in New Orleans and moved to Florida when I was 17. My dad came down to vist me for spring break and decided he liked it there.We spent alot of time togather during that week and I learnd alot about my dad as a person.It was great,I finally had a full- time dad around .Well we stayed in Florida for a while Then decided to move back home . We packed up and started back. On the way down, my happy image of what was to be was shattered .As I was sleeping he came and layed down next to me and began to touch me ,shocked that this was happening, I was paralized with fear.( I mean this was sapposed to be my daddy,the one who was sapposed to protect me.)He continued to touch me finnally raping me . This was the first time It continued twice there afer ,each time I becoming more seperated from myself. Afterwards I dosed myself with large amounts of cocanie and other drugs,trying to put it into the back of my mind. It worked for awhile.I wasn't thiking about it while I was high ,but the days when I wasn't I would cry myself to sleep or just sit and cry . I became so depresed. One day I had a breakdown at work and I got sent home early. It has started to effect me alot more ,thinking about it all the time now . Sometimes I forgett how to fuction . I would like to thank Tori for helping me through the bad days.She has inspired me to start healing and move on. If she only knew what she has ment to me during those times.

Chistina
 


Hi, my name is Kyra. I'm 18 now, but back when I was 14, my rape occurred. I went to a friend's cottage for the fourth of july, and we stayed there a couple nights. I had been rebelling for the past few months, had some hellish experiences at home with attempted suicides by my sisters, and depression in my mom... so I had been drinking, smoking weed, and trying to look tough to people, especially my friends. Anyway, at this cottage, the basement (where me, my friend, her younger brother, and older cousin were sleeping) was not attatched to the other part of the cottage, where her parents were. We had come inside from smoking a couple bowls of pot, and we were playing Truth or Dare. She dared her cousin to kiss me... and he did. I'd kissed before, and all, but he was 17 at the time, and seemed so much older... it seemed weird. So, things tapered down, and we sorta lied there, my friend dozing off. Then I noticed her cousin's hands on me, very subtle at first, for awhile. I was uncomfortable, said nothing, and pretended not to notice. I wasn't really sure if he was doing anything wrong, and anyways, I wanted to be cool, and if I stopped him, I'd look immature. So it went on, him getting far more brazen each second, and me getting far more uncomfortable each second, until he just hurt me. God, it really hurt, I was a virgin, and he was so rough. I remember biting my lip so I wouldn't cry, because the pain was like nothing I had felt, and then my body just went numb. I remember going numb, knowing my friend was asleep beside me, and I was in pain. He suggested going outside and smoking more weed, and I complied, anything to stop it. We smoked a little... I wasn't feeling well anymore... and we went inside. He led me into a room that was next to my friend's room, where we could be alone. He spoke all reassuring, but I distinctly remember telling him "no" several times... but he didn't even hear. I felt like just an object in the ordeal, as he had "sex" with me. I could remember just staring sideways, into the dark, not even feeling him inside me because I was so horribly numb.

Afterwards, he never spoke to me, and I even ended up telling a couple people that it was wanted sex, but I was so ashamed. I'm only dealing with this shitty way to lose my virginity now because my therapist has asked me to really come to terms with my past. He never knew my name... if you're going to hurt someone that bad, to steal everything they're worth, to kill them, you should at least know their name!!!!! You see, I started cutting myself afterwards. My arms were always marked up by razor blades, punishing myself. I became bulimic for a little over a year, wanting to purge my feelings out of my body. I needed a release from the hurt. This helps, some.

I want to reassure everyone, that no matter what happened, he had no right to do what he did.

Thanks for letting me share this.
Kyra
Aol IM: KlownDogg6
p.s. my website also has some rape support stuff on it
 


It was two years ago today that I was raped, and I now finally have the courage to talk about it. It happened in a dorm room of a guy I knew he drugged me and I was unconscious for about four hours. Perhaps that was a blessing, since I don't really remember anything except a few vague memories that came back to me the next day in flashbacks. I remember feeling completely helpless and paralyzed while it was happening. I couldn't speak or move at all. It was like I was watching it happen to someone else. When I woke up, I couldn't think clearly and my legs felt like jello. I was so disoriented and scared I couldn't hardly think straight. I knew something wasn't right, but I was so afraid to walk home alone, so I had him walk me home.

He didn't say a word.

I passed out from exhaustion, but woke up a few hours later. It didn't take me long to figure out what had happened, since I had been a virgin, and also because of the flashbacks. I was so scared because of the drugs and fear of being pregnant, so I had a friend take me to the hospital. I was lucky there was a specially trained team of women who helped me there. A counselor held my hand while they did the horrid and embarrassing exam and asked all those personal questions. I slept for days after, because they gave me so many antibiotics and the morning-after pill. I eventually had to give my statement to the police, both in writing and in person. They had him arrested that night, but he made bail so he was back on campus for the last few weeks of classes. I was afraid to leave my room for days. I was afraid he would come after me. He was free to roam around, yet I was a prisoner in my house. The legal stuff dragged on and on. I had to come back twice for pretrial hearings, in which they tried to make me look like a slut, even though I was a virgin, and an alcoholic, even though I wasn't a heavy drinker. He made a plea bargain, which I accepted, since I wanted to get on with my life and my education. I wasn't going to let him get in the way of that. He plead guilty to misdemeanor sexual assault, instead of felony, which meant no jail time, just a slap on the wrist. The best part was that there was a hearing for him at school, which he never even showed up for, so he was kicked out. That in itself speaks volumes about his guilt.

I went to counselors and group therapy for a while, and pronounced myself "cured." I wasn't going to let this affect the rest of my life, but of course it did. I kept silent for the next two years, until I found Barbados and subscribed to the ripplebacktome list. This made me realize how damaging it was to keep it all inside. I had nothing to show for this, except a failed attempt at one relationship, distancing myself from my friends and family,depression and heavy drinking the past few months. Not to mention the coldness and the emptiness inside. There has been a voice inside me afraid to come out until now, because she felt so alone. I have since realized I'm not alone, but I have to ask for help from others, even if they can't all understand what I'm going through. Thanks to Tori's beautiful lyrics and the support of everyone's e-mails, I can finally see hope in my future. I wish that for everyone else who is struggling, too. It's not an easy journey, but, as Tori (and Pearl Jam) says, "I'm still alive."

Jade
 


stories. i'm full of 'em.

i've dabbled in the message board a few days now, so i think now it's time to let you all know what is behind me and what keeps me coming here, besides my need to help people.

i just turned 18 eleven days ago. i'm very young, i think.

i lost my virginity at age 12 to my thenboyfriend, who, i guess, was tired of waiting. he was 13 at the time, always begging me to go 'all the way', but usually listened to me, respected me. seemingly out of the blue, he raped me on his couch in the living room while his parents were away. that is when i first started recognising the signs and symptoms of my insanity. i will not say he is the reason i began going crazy, but i will say it's a funny coincidence. [my insanity, by the way, is catatonic schizophrenia. but that is another story, perhaps for another site. eh.] we had been dating for.. about year, i think.. when this happened.. it was very unexpected. i hadn't seen any signs of him becoming violent or cruel. but that day on, he repeatedly beat me and raped me, and eventually got me addicted to all sorts of lovely drugs i have since stopped taking [clean for one year and 10 months now]. this continued for another year and a half till he abruptly left me for another girl. at the time, i thought it was the blow to end all my existence, i was devastated, i tried to kill myself, but i see now it was much better than the alternative that he did leave me, because i never would have left him. after that day, i did not speak of him to anyone for about three years, till i met my darling trevor. god bless him. one day, everything about jeremy came pouring out of me, and trevor was very patient with me for the next several months as i finally started dealing with what had happened. it had been almost four years since i'd had any contact with jeremy, and i felt i was very close to healing, when all of a sudden i literally bumped into him at an outdoor market place [yay, saturday market! :-)]. when i realised it was him, i immediately froze up in fear. i was certain he would try to hurt me. i was used to him hurting me. but he only stared into my eyes and held my hand for a few minutes. i noticed my initials were carved into the back of his hand and he had long scars and track marks and cuts up and down his arms. there was a lot of pain and pleading in his eyes, and i almost wanted to hug him, cradle him, take care of him, but i was so scared.. a few weeks after that, he called me. he wanted to see me, and i said no. then he said, "treva, i am sorry for what i did to you. i'm sorry." hm. it didn't quite have the effect on me he intended, i suspect, as it put me into a nervous breakdown. whoops. he called me a few more times after that, throughout a year, and in the september of 98 he told me he was leaving america to go to europe and be a musician [violin/piano/beautifully talented]. he wanted me to be there at the airport when he left. i almost went, but i backed out at the very last minute to watch beatles movies with friends. i think i am glad i did.. it would have been nice to have some sort of closure to the entire ordeal, but i still was frigthened of him at the time, and i did not think .. it would .. benefit me... now, how i came to the conclusion of this story is beyond me. i can only attribute it to god, faith, trevor, my many dear friends, and my own inner strength. i have grown, emotionally and mentally, the past year or so, grown at a tremendous rate. i have healed virtually flawlessly. scars fade. i will not forget, as it is a very large part of me, and i will not excuse, can not excuse, but i do have the strength and power to forgive honestly. and i want to say, jeremy, if ever you see this, i do forgive you now. i don't understand it and i can't explain what you put me through, but i forgive you, and because of this, you can not, will not, haunt me nor break me anymore. the moral of story number one: peace comes back. strength comes back. love and life do not leave.

now. i have another medley of stories [didn't i say i'm full of 'em? -)]. new year's day, 1998. i went to a party with two acquaintances where i did not know many people. as soon as i stepped in the door, a strongshouldered boy had me by the hand, ready to show me around and introduce me to people. i was happy to go with him, as he was polite and friendly. i had no second thoughts about going upstairs with him. only when he led me into a bedroom and locked the door did i feel dread. i knew what was going to happen and i knew i had no choice. i knew there was nothing for me to do after the initial protests but to lie there as he hurt me and raped me and told me i liked it [psh. i begged to differ.] he was very crude and rough, and my brain won't let me see his face, just his very large hands and his broad shoulders. well, he had friends. when he decided he was finished with me, he went out of the room and said to another boy, "there's something in there you might like." my mind was numb, my body was numb, i had transformed myself into a mannequin of Blank. i remember the second boy was much gentler than the first, and i almost mentally thanked him for that. [ok. now i know i'm thinking to much and telling too little, my screen saver just came on. haha] anyway, boy #2. well, when he was done, he lifted me to a sitting position and just looked at me, and when i started crying, he held me and tried to calm my trembling, and he helped me put my clothes back on. i wanted to thank of him for these things too, but it somehow inappropriate to be polite to a rapist. i left immediately after this. i don't remember how i got home.. i suppose it isn't important.. but i've still always wondered.. only a few weeks did i realise that the second boy who raped me at the party was a friend of mine, someone who by nature was socially awkward, slightly effeminate, shy, softspoken. blew me away. [woops, there goes my screen saver again. it's a stupid one, too, what the heck] well. a short time after my realisation, i learned i was pregnat from the raping. i can not even begin to describe the mixture of emotions and thoughts inside me. i think i experienced every feeling known to the human race, all ultimately becoming love. this tiny fetus in my little body became my entire universe. i had plans and hopes and daydreams for it, i was ready to start any day to look for a young couple to agree to an open adoption for my baby. but my life has a habit of bringing the worstcase scenarios to reality for me and two short months into my pregnancy, i miscarried. now, this, this was truly devastating. the entire incident has been blacked out of my memory. i simply don't rememebr it.. i remember blood and pain and tears, but nothing else.. and one year and two months later, i still feel i can not deal with this. it is excruciating, agonising.. the rapes themselves, i feel i pretty much am over those. but the miscarriage, not even close.. i .. understand it a little! more, and .. blame myself and the child a little less.. [and please donotdonotdonot tell me it is for the best. how can the best thing hurt so much?] and once again, beautiful trevor has given me a quiet lifeline. he tries very hard to reassure me these things are not my fault while understanding that i won't be able to believe him for quite some time. he truly is a godsend and i thank krishna every day. i haven't quite found the moral for this story yet, but when i do, i'll be sure to let you know.

if i have learned anything from my experiences, it is that i am not invincible, but i am so strong, i may as well be.

if i can do this whole living thing, so can you. promise.

treva
http://members.tripod.com/~lestatchick/treva.html
ICQ#: 33709869
IM: trevaellen
 


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