Hi, I'm Monica. I found this web site a couple days ago, and I can't begin to describe what it has done for me. I feel like I should share too, so here is my story.

It happened a year ago, when I was 18. A friend, Greg, who I hadn't talked to for a long time called, and invited me to see a movie with him. I had been planning on staying in and studying for exams, but I thought it would be ok to go out for a couple hours. I still don't remember which movie we saw, maybe it was just one of the things I blocked out about the night.

After the movie, I thought he was going to take me home, but instead he pulled into a popular spot by the lake, and wanted to go for a walk. We did, but only briefly, because it was really cold outside. Once we were back in the car, he turned the heat on, then leaned over to kiss me. I pulled away, and told him I was seeing someone, so I couldn't. He didn't listen, and kept trying to kiss me. At this time, I wasn't scared, just annoyed.

Next thing I know, he's got one of those Swiss Army knives out, and he's holding it against my neck. I don't know how he managed to do it so quickly, without me realizing what he was doing. That's when I started to get scared. He was on top of me, and kissing and touching me, and telling me that I had been flirting with him all night, so I wanted it. He said that I 'owed' him for the movie, which he paid for. That was the last time I've ever let a guy pay for anything.

Around this time, I started crying. He hit me and told me to 'shut up,' then ripped off my shirt. I felt paralyzed, but it didn't occur to me to scream, or try to fight him off.

I began thinking that I would never see my friends or family again. I was worried that they would find me in some ditch the next day. At one point, he put the knife down, but pinned my hands above my head. He finished taking off my clothes, then undid his pants. I remember still crying, but not wanting to make him mad. It was like he was another person, this wasn't the guy who'd been my friend for five years. I wasn't a virgin at the time, but it was still incredibly painful. I remember looking at the clock, and the glowing lights said it was 12:36.

At this time, I started to tune him out. It's almost as though what he was doing wasn't to me, but to someone else, and I was just a passive observer. I began thinking about my upcoming Europe trip, and how last year's trip had been so much fun, but this one would be even better, since my best friend was coming. Maybe that's what got me through it.

When he was done, he threw my clothes at me, and told me to get out of his car. I broke down, and I guess the full extent of what happened hit me. I felt like a part of me had died. Maybe it had.

I half stumbled, half ran to my best friend's boyfriend's house, which was close by. I was a complete mess when I showed up at his door, my clothes were torn, I was crying uncontrollably, and my whole body was sore.

My friend came to pick me up, and I told her briefly what happened. She wanted me to report it, or go to the hospital, but I just wanted to be alone, so she dropped me off at home.

I felt so dirty. I had a shower, turning on the water as hot as possible, desperately trying to make myself clean again, to get him off me After an hour, I felt just as dirty as I originally did, but I was exhausted. I went back to my room, put Me and a Gun on repeat, and listened to it for the entire night.

Now its just over a year later, and I haven't really told anyone. I thought that by moving away, and coming to university, I would be able to forget the past, and for a while I was. Well, I never really forgot, but I managed to repress it in the back of my mind. But all of a sudden, I started getting the flashbacks again, and now I'm thinking about it non-stop.

I feel so lonely. It doesn't make sense, because I have a lot of friends here, and I'm involved in some really amazing extracurricular activities, but I feel like I can't relate to anyone, and that no one would understand. I'm scared to tell my friends, because I don't want to be known as 'the girl who got raped,' and I don't know how they would react. It's so hard to keep it inside though. It's like its draining me of everything I have. I'm sick of putting on an act, I want people to know how I really feel. I don't know what to do.

Monica
 


i just want to say that after i watched the 20/20 story it put me in a tail spin. i searched out your web page, and sat for literally hours reading over the stories listening to "me and a gun" over and over and just bawling.

i can't even thing what i'm trying to put into words here. i have always suffered from depression, so when my younger sister was going through tough times it affected me too. it affected everyone in the family. after she began abusing drugs, and constantly running away from home she told the cops that brought her back about how she was sexually abused by our next door neighbor. this hit so far home. this is never the thing that you want to even hear about and you think it could never happen to you, but it does. it happens a lot more often than you think. when charges were being pressed we found out that he had also raped and abused his granddaughter that i grew up with, and probably his own daughter as well. he beat his sons. i can't remember much of my childhood, and sometimes i wonder in there is a reason why. during this time the slightest thing would set my sister off and she'd have flashbacks, and i'd sit with her for hours and we would clutch each other and hold on so tight to each other and cry, and cry. this could have been me... i was petrified, and still am. i have a hard time letting anyone get close to me anymore. where as all of my friends used to be guys, now i only hang around with other women. any and every situation scares me. i can't be alone in a group of men, or even with one man. i get seized with panic and can't do anything. i can't ever see myself as a sexual person. anything that has to do with sex is still part of me, but it feels almost like it is another person entirely, separated from me. the man that did this to her was in his 80's, and even though he was prosecuted, he got off with 5 yrs probation which included not having contact with any minors, and a deferred sentence of 2 yrs. and even though he has already violated his parole no one will do anything about it. he still lives next door, and it scares me to even look in that direction.

Shauna
 


Even now, sitting here before this screen, it's so hard for me to think back and remember my secret, my darkest moment.... Not only because I have repressed many of the memories, but because it was almost 8 years ago. I don't even know why exactly I'm telling this story that no one in my family knows (and likely ever will know). Maybe it's to have someone read it and say, "You were the victim. You're not to blame." I don't know. Maybe it's my way of reaching out to anyone else who has a strange sick story to tell, so they know that they too can tell, it's okay.....

When I was younger, I hung out a lot with my cousins. They were both male, one a year older than me, the other about two years younger. We played together, laughed together, did a lot together. We used to play games of make-believe.... Their basement was a magical place that turned into mountains, or a secret fortress where evil lurked.... Anywhere we imagined.

Looking back now, I can think of times when I should have seen how... wrong... they looked at me. I remember when we used to play at the park, we'd play games of tag. One day they decided to invent "flash tag"... and proceeded to flash their penises at me..... I can still see them.... pre-pubescent.... That day, I suddenly stopped eating hot dogs. My mom always attributed it to the fact I was a picky eater who changed tastes day to day. The truth was, looking at a sausage or hot dog especially brought me back to the moments where they exposed themselves. But I never thought anything of it. Boys will be boys. That's what I thought of the time when I was three and my older cousin convinced me to pull down my pants and expose myself for him.... I mean he was four! A four year old sex fiend? Please.....

And then I look back to our make-believe games, and remember how as I approached ten, the games started involving romances, you know, like in Speed, or a James Bond movie? I thought nothing of that. Being the only female, I of course played that action heroine/girlfriend. But then realism entered the game, and I soon found myself being told to lie down and pretend to have sex with my older cousin, "for the game". It made me feel bad, wrong, uncomfortable, but I seldom protested. I didn't want to lose the respect of my cousins...... So sick that I wanted their respect... But at that time I was a loner at school. I had few friends. I didn't want to lose a friend.... And I thought it was just me..... And then my life changed.

It was the Christmas time, I think New Year's Eve. My family and I were over at my cousins house. The adults were all upstairs in the living room and we of course went down to the basement. I had just turned ten that month. We began playing a game of truth or dare.... the dares were pretty silly at first, like pretending to be on fire..... And then they took a sexual twist..... First it was telling sexual stories, which of course fascinated the boys who were already looking through Playboys..... me, I was kinda curious but somewhat uncomfortable... Then it turned to acting out sexual storylines.... And soon my older cousin, I'll call him Bill, suggested we use an indicator, and have each of us spin to see what dare we'd have..... All of them were sexual..... And I remember not wanting to, remember protesting, but I was soon overruled by Bill... My younger cousin wasn't so sure either but went along with it..... Me, I think... I think I was afraid to say no..... And so it began.....

Through the game, I at various points had one of them touching my breasts (I grew them pretty early, and was already a B cup), or pretending to have intercourse with me, or whatever..... During that time, I dreaded each turn taken by one of us, dreaded that I'd be touched again..... Every time they got on me, I kinda went away.... left my body..... I didn't want to be there..... After an hour it ended.... And my and my younger cousin's protests won out at last...

Every time I go back to that time, I wish I'd left the room, gone upstairs, told my mom, something..... I didn't have to do that damn it! Didn't have to let them be on me......... And the sick thing was, they enjoyed it, my older cousin especially! An 11 year old pervert...... God.....

But that wasn't all for me.......... Two years later, my younger cousin was visiting at my dad's house (my parents had just split up and I was visiting my dad). My cousin and I went upstairs to talk and hang out, and he and I started talking about all of the crazy things we'd done as kids. And then that night came up...... And to my surprise, my cousin told me very plainly that he wanted to play it again.

I felt ten years old again........ so small, tiny...... unable to speak...... and like a robot, I let him touch my breasts, feel me, touch me..... bounce on me like a soft core porn star....... I left my body again, just pretended I was numb.......

And then my shorts were shifted, and I felt him poking at my entrance, and felt so sick, so wrong...... but I never called out....... I let him do whatever, lay there..... he immitated sexual positions on me like a blow up doll...... Guess I was his practice session for a girlfriend he hoped to have....... Not once did I ever stop him......... I don't know why I fell so silent. I knew it was wrong, gross, sick....... but stayed quiet.....

It's my silence, I think, my lack of fighting, that kept my silent all these years (speaking of which, that song has given me the courage to write this)..... I felt I wasn't assaulted, I was simply stupid..... I felt like I had to be twisted or perverted too.....

I never told my parents or family, and only a few friends know. I tried to deal with this in therapy a while back, but I couldn't, I was too ashamed. And I was scared that the counsellor would tell me I was sick and to blame....... Crazy isn't it? I still fear that...... What I will never forget is their enjoyment....... How used I was..... They feel no guilt! None!!! How can they not feel dirty as I feel? Don't they know how many times I've cried?

It was only recently that I have been working at seeing myself as a victim. In therapy, I was discussing how I always let guys talk me into sexual contact, and how I always feel I need to do that to keep a guy...... I'm still a virgin, but I've performed sexual acts for boyfriends and all that I only did for them..... And then I figured that maybe it's because of what happened before.......

I've found solace and comfort from Sarah Mclachlan, and Jewel, but Tori Amos and her music is a gift to me from the gods..... At a low time this past Christmas, I had broken up with my fiance and wanted to die....... Felt so worthless..... And I turned to her for comfort through her latest CD, the only one I owned. Over Christmas I bought her other three, needing more comfort, feeling that she understood me..... I remember I cried listening to Me and a Gun (and still do almost every time).... And Silent All These Years gave me strength too...... Then I heard Icicle....

And it's that song that speaks to me most.
"I could have, I should have, I could have flown you know/I could have, I should have / I didn't....so...."

Even now, I look at what lies above these words and think, who am I to complain about what happened? So many worse things happen to women each day, brutal rapes, kidnapping....... My experience was nowhere near as bad..... I have to struggle to remember that pain is pain...... and violation is violation...... And no matter how silent I was then, inside I was NOT willing.

Thanks for listening, whoever might read this. 8 years have gone by and I'm still waiting for somebody to understand me, and tell me I'm not evil..... Maybe someday, that somebody can be me.

titanics_solace@hotmail.com
 


I don't know where to begin realy there isn't much i don't rember alot i guess that's normal i don't know i guess i was 4 or 5 i don't know and i was about to take a bath with my brother who was 2 years older and my little sister we took baths together cauz it saved water and we would play with the toys in the tub but my uncle was watching us that day adn him and his friends were in the other room geting high he came in the bathroom jsut as i was about to get into the tub i was little i don't know what i did wrong but he stoped me and said come here so i did i went over to him i mean he was my uncle what else could i do so i went over to him and he closed the shower curtin where my brother and sister were and he asked me if i would let him do something i said yes i mean i was only a baby how was i supose to know what he was going to do so i stood on top of the tolet and next thing i knew i felt something inside of me i don't rember pain at times i do but there rare but he asked me all kinds of questions like did i like what was happing and did it feel good all i could say was yes i jsut didn't know when he was done i got in the tub with my sister and broher and i was thinking the whole time if they ask he was wondering if i wanted some candy god i'm rembering half this stuff as i go only i had forgoten about he candy =( well thats what i told my self i would say if anyone asked i still rember the smell of the pot on his breath and the way his hands felt around me the hands felt good for some reason but i mean it all felt good because he was my uncel i thought he loved me and this was how he loved me i didn't know any better and i didn't know it was wrong well time went on and as a little kid i would always play house with my friends and act like i was having sex with them i mean to me it was normal i didn't know it wasn't i guess in a way i was leting kids my age take advatage of me because i let them touch me sexualy i don't know ! why i did but it didn't seem wrong i jsut felt really dirty and sick afterwards as i got older we moved alot because my dad is in the military and i told my aunt my dads sister what my moms brother had done to me she told me to tell them and i did and they didn't belive me =( so i forgot about it i told my self it was a dream i made it up it never happened it was just a dream but it wasn't and i when i was 9 i stayed the night at a friends house and she had another friend stay the night the one girl feel asleep and me and the other girl ending up staying up and talking then she asked if i wanted to play house and i was 9 i was like sure you know and she started to take my clothes off well i let that happen i didn't see anything wrong with it then she started to touch me i didn't really like it but when i talk about it today to friends and all i tell them i liked it so i wont feel so bad about what happened i never knew that i would feel so bad she made me have oral sex with her wich i did i didn't want to but i have this thing built into my mind and i'll do stuff even if i don't want to because i don't want to be hurt i don't want people thinking i'm stupid i know these are just excuses but there all i have well when i turned 13 i had jsut moved from washington to texas and i didn't have any friends and there was this guy he was on the football team popular and he was soo sweet to me he had antoher friend whos girl friend because my best friend and then later on i found out the things he had done to me they both did to her she later died in a car accident with her ex boyfriend my then boyfriends bestfriend but i missed her so much i never told my parents i was going out with the guy i still haven't they know i was raped but i only told them about this party it happened at but im geting ahead of my self the guy i started liking started likeing me to i was 13 alone and he was perfect he was nice sweet caring all i was looking for he treated me like roses the frist few months then he started the name calling i was use to hearing these words in my head so they didn't bother me then the hiting started wich is ironic becasue i said i would never let a man hit me i would leave as soon as he did but of couse i didn't i had no one else he was my world i took the beating they weren't that bad i told myself it could be worse i could be alone i told my self then he started the rapes and the sexual abuse the frist time he raped me was becasue i had made him angery i pissed him off so it was my fault i guess we were watching tv and i told him something about the show that was on and he got mad and started yelling at me he smaked me and pushed me on the couch he started taking my clothes off i was saying god please no over and over i told him to stop i pushed him off of my but he keept on he wouldn't leave me alone he started to un button his pants i was screaming by then but no one was home but us he started to rape me and i just we! nt blank i couldn't think i couldn't do anything i jsut lay there numb not wanting to feel the pain wanting it all to go away but it didn't i guess since i let it happen that time i kep leting it happen he would put his hands down my pants when we were watching tv he would start touching me and i would ask him to stop he said shut up that it wasn't hurting and he could do wha the wanted with me cauz i was his so of course i shut up and he keept on there erwe times when he would make me perform oral sex on him and he said if i didn't he would tell my parents what i was leting him do and he said he would tell everyone i knew and loved i was so scared i thought he was really going to do it so i did what ever he said when i wouldnt let him he burnt my legs with cigerattes he burnt my breast with cigerattes once too he would use things to put inside of me all i could do was plead with him to stop i was afraid to tell anyone he said people would blame me cauz i was a stupid whore and whore deserved what they got at this party once i had broken up with him because of other things i wont talk about because there too painful for me he said fine and i drank a little beer not lots and he sid he wanted to talk to me he took me to this room and he closed the door i asked him what he wanted and he said to give me a going away present he proceded to rape me and god how it hurt he let two of his friends rape me too they made me perform oral sex on them god after they were done i locked my self in the bathroom and cried all night till the morning i went home like nothing had happened and went to a band function i had to go to like nothing had happened and from then on he didn't talk to me for a while but that all stoped when he found out i had a new b/f he messed with me and when i told him he raped me again *sigh* i guess i should have left told my rents went to the hospital but i was too scared he threatened to kill me more times than not well thats my story!

xreniax@hotmail.com
 


I was 15 and a virgin also. The person who raped me was 18 and my brother's best friend. He lived across the street from my house. The day it happened I was on my way to a baby-sitting job. I went over to his house to ask for a ride to my job. He gave me a ride and said he might come by later with some beer. At first everything was fine. We were sitting on the couch with the little girl I was watching. But then he started to touch me. He kept trying to push my skirt up. I told him to stop, but he didn't. He said if let him give me a back massage he'd leave. I thought he would actually go home, so I let him massage my back. He told the little girl to go to her room. Then he started to grab and touch me everywhere. I tried to get up, but he held me down. He said he knew I was a virgin and that I should just do this and get it over with. He proceeded to rape me. The only control I had was being able to move my face from side to side so he couldn't kiss me.

When it was over, he went to the refrigerator, took the beers out, and told me I didn't deserve them. Then he said " I don't like you or anything, I was just horny". I called my best friend at the time, and told her I needed help, but she said she was busy and could I call her back later-I never did. I called my brother, but I didn't know what to tell him. I thought it was my fault. I thought -I had invited him over and I had let him touch me, so it wasn't rape. I didn't know what it was, but it wasn't rape. So I told my brother, and my father that this person had "tried to rape me". They didn't believe me. They said he was too nice of a guy to do something like that. I spent the next 3 years facing this man. Having him come on family vacations with us, and sleeping over at my house, since he continued to be my brother's best friend. He would wait until no one was around us and then he'd tell me what a bitch, slut or whore I was.

I am now 28 years old and I have never been kissed, but I have been raped. I am afraid of relationships. How do I explain to someone that I am a damaged virgin?

I have told some of my friends my story, but I cannot give them the feelings that come with it: hurt, anger, sadness, loss, guilty, dirty, empty,betrayal,alone, changed.

The secret emotional handshake of survivors.
Annie
 


 
 
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