I saw the story about you on 20/20 and it compelled me to write to you. I had quite a time getting to your site, but once I did, i read through a few of the survivor stories you had posted. As I did, I couldn't help but feel the way that I did when I first started trying to heal. All of the stories that I read were about rape, most of them violent..all of them terrifying for the victim. Well, my story is very different...I was not raped, and it was not violent, except in it's aftermath..what it has put me through over the last 10 years. I was sexually molested by my father. So, as I read, I once again experienced the old "demons"..."you weren't attacked...you weren't raped...you shouldn't even feel you were abused..."

I had to stop myself and admit that maybe, though I have come a long way, maybe I am not as far as I had thought, or hoped. It was for this reason that I felt I needed to write to you, in the hopes that, like so many before me, you would post my story on your site too, maybe helping someone out there like me to realize that just because there was no rape, no violence, that they are no less abused, and no less justified in their despair.

I had been living with my father and his wife for about 4 or 5 months when he began to fondle me. He would say things like, "I'm your father...and a father should be able to show his love for a daughter any way that he wants to." It never went any further than the fondling, usually several times a week, but it went on for over 2 years. It was no less invasive than a full fledged rape and because it was my father, someone who was supposed to protect me from evils occuring OUTSIDE the home, I later felt that I perhaps was to blame. I was 15 when it started, and fully aware that the contact was not "normal", but I let it continue. I didn't stop it. I didn't tell anyone. Basically becoming my own abuser's enabler, I allowed it to continue until i ran away the summer before my senior year in high school, going to live with my mother.

During all this time, I had memories of earlier abuse. When I was perhaps 4 or 5, my father would call me in after he woke up from his nap in the afternoon (or whenever we were alone in the house) and, as some sort of sick ritual, would make me fondle his penis. I don't remember if there was any explanation on his part for this activity(as was to happen in later years), or even if he talked at all. Recently, I met someone, and finally began to have a normal, healthy relationship, when a memory surfaced after a sexual encounter. During these times with my father, he would ejaculate, sending me out of the room almost immediately after.

This realization was, to say the least, deeply disturbing. I was laying in bed with my boyfriend, and started crying uncontrollably. All he could do was ask me what was wrong, putting his arms around me, not knowing what to say, not knowing what to do. And I didn't know either. The shock of this memory, its timing, and its vividness, left me at a loss to do much else but cry for what seemed like hours.

I am now 26 years old, and until moving in with my boyfriend, I was a virgin. Barely able to let anyone touch me in even the most benign way. If someone put a hand on my back, brushed my arm, I would jump practically out of my skin. I guess the reason I am adding this part to the story is to reassure those suffering still, possibly years after the abuse has stopped, that a normal life IS within reach. I thought that I would never be able to trust or love anyone (including myself) enough to ever find someone to be with. But that is not the case.

My basic message is this. Don't judge your experience against the experiences of others. Just because you were not raped in the traditional sense of the word, doesn't mean that your soul, your heart, your self image, and your self respect have not been violently ripped from you. But healing is possible, and within reach. It does take time, sometimes, in some cases, alot of time. But don't give up, not on the healing, or on yourself. No matter what the situation or circumstances of your abuse, it is no less important to get help, and get better.

I believe that I have only one major step left in my attempting to heal. I have yet to confront my abuser, and have a pseudo-relationship with him to this day. It is for this reason, that I ask that you not print my name, but beg you to print my story. If I can help one person get help sooner than I did, then it will be worth it for both of us.

And to those of you out there who have been abused, in ANY way.. you have SURVIVED the abuse...you are here now, even if it is still going on, you are alive, and you are a PERSON...please, help yourself, and maybe in turn, like so many posted here, you can help others like you.
 


I was sixteen by a few months. a female friend of mine,niki, was having a party, a birthday party i think, i can't even remember. It was me, Niki, and two of her male friends, Remmy and Ely, who i already knew . We all got too drunk too fast...and i was the worst there because i had really low alchohol tolerance levels with vodka drinks. She was mixing screwdrivers in large paper dixiecups, probably about 75% vodka with 25% orange juice to flavor it. I didn't even know how much vodka there was in it. I had 4 full cups, and then two straight shots of vodka. As the night went on, i started to vomit. I vomited twice in a bucket, and then some in the tiolet. My friend put me on her bed. Niki stayed with me there for a while, and then she decided to go drink some more and left Remmy with me to watch me. I had recently dumped my overprotective boyfriend, so as relieved as i was to be out of that situation, i was dead drunk and open to any suggestions. I was crying, and Remmy laid down on the bed next to me to hug me. He was comforting me, but then i think he was silent for a while. He said "you smell nice..." I was so drunk the order of things is kind of blurry. I nibbled on his neck..i felt so lonely... Then I sat up, ran to the bathroom and vomited again. i don't remember exactly how many times i vomited, i lost count at twelve times. I didn't lock the door after myself. He staggered in and asked if i was ok, I said yes, but i was so drunk i couldn't stand up again. He probbed me up on a sitting position on the toilet. He started to open my pants and said "you don't mind if i eat you out.." I nodded. I couldn't feelwhat he was doing, i couldn't feel anything, so i started to black out. i just remember coming to and he asked me if i was a virgin. i nodded. he asked if he could take my virginity, and i just looked at him, didn't move...too drunk. again, i didn't feel anything, and blacked out. the next time i realized what was going on i was gagging with his penis in my mouth. That was really horrible. I can't remember what else happened, or who put me on the sofa and took my shoes off. That is the most i can make of the drunken blur. In the morning i kind of realised what had happened and i felt really ashamed and didn't want to talk to anyone. I felt like a slut. I told Niki what had happened. I could tell she was mad at him, but she liked him too much as a friend so she told me, "don't tell anyone this happened." A couple of months later there was another party at her new apartment . I went of course. Remmy was there, and so was Ely. This time we were smoking pot, laced with something. We each had our own bowl. i didn't smoke as often as they did so i din't want a whole bowl. "everyone has to have a whole bowl, come on, you can handle it" So doing the stupid thing, i smoked the whole bowl.

I started to feel sick and went into severe hallucinations. Niki put me on her bed in her bedroom and went back to smoking pot as soon as she was sure I wasn't going to be loud or do something stupid. I'm not sure if more than one day passed, but at some point Niki checked in on me. Later, Ely came in and asked how i was doing. he came over and started kissing me on the neck. He left the room and came back with condoms. I felt really disgusting, I was stoned and didn't say no. Same type of situation, different substance abuse. I let him do what he wanted, not saying a word. He wasn't violent. I can't remember how many times he did his thing. I feel so disgusted with myself when i think about what i did with these guys. I am 17. I lost my virginity when i was 16, almost too drunk to move. I don't know if i can classify that as rape, but i do know one thing. alchohol and drugs make for dangerous situations.

I don't know how long it wil take to get my self esteem and self respect back. I don't know if i'll ever want to be in a relationship again. The only times i've ever had sex it's been under the influence, to the point where i can't even remember all of it. Sometimes i wonder where the connection between love and sex could be, because i haven't see, it. i know love and sex can be connected, but now i am afraid of relationships, i don't want to get that close to someone physically. What i want to say after all of that is, EVEN IF THE WORD RAPE DOESN'T FIT, IF YOU FEEL BAD AFTERWARDS, IT'S NOT OK! Sexual abuse also includes touching and other sexual activity without consent, or when the victim is under the influence of alchohol or drugs.

i realise now that the problem is NOT that i am whorish or slutty. The problem is drugs and alchohol. I was a victim. But I allowed myself to get drunk. I allowed myself to go along with peer pressure and got stoned. Needless to say, i am trying to get along with my life. And i know i need to prove i canlove myself before i can accept love from anyone else.
 


It started when I was eight years old. My sister was always sick and my mother was at the hospital. I was left alone with my stepfather. He told me to come and sit next to him and then he started to massage my back and then he carried me upstairs to my bedroom and performed oral sex on me. I did not say one word. I was scared to death. After wards I sat in the bath tub for hours. I guess to make me forget what happened he took me ice skating. The abuse continued for 8 more years. As he was teaching me how to drive at the age of 15,I attemped to kill him and myself to stop the pain. I was at a stop sign and saw a semi coming,I figured it would get him first them me later. I didn't go through the sign. Now I wish I did. I finally told my best friend the awful secret that I was carrying and she laughed at me. The only person who knew was my grandmother. I finally told my mother at the age of 19. She called me a liar and told me to tell it to his face what I had accused him of. He sat there stone cold and said that he would never had done that to me. I am now 29 yrs old,married ,but unable to have a "normal"sex life due to the fact of what this man has done to me. I have been through therapy and have learned to forgive,but not forget. He will get what he deserves. It was great to find this site so I could get my story out and not be called a liar,a freak,or any other names that I have been called. My mother is still with him. When ever I go to visit her,I must see him. I smell him almost every nite,I cannot be alone with a strange man anywhere,I can still vision his hands touching my young body. It took me 20 yrs to realize that it was not my fault. He is a very sick person. It is nice to see that there is someone else out there who knows the pain that I have been going through. It was not rape,but it was sexual abuse. As I got older,I would tell him no,but to no avail. The only people that understand what we feel and how we act are the only ones who know's how it feels. The first time I walked into my therapist office,the receptionist had asked me if I was abused. I had never seen this woman before. She had said that people that have been abused know the ones that have also been abused. It has taken me a very long time to know that I did not cause this. It was forced upon me. If you a victim you will get through it. It will not be easy,believe me,but you will get through it. Just remember it was not your fault. You did not ask for it,you were not dressed for it,or any of the other stupid excuses that happens to fly. Writing this letter has helped me some,but now for the next couple of days,I will have nightmares,and flashbacks. I do belive in Tori Amos's work for RAIIN. She was the one who also helped. Especially her song "Me and a Gun" Thank you for listening to my story.

Kim
 


i'm sorry. i'm sorry to anyone who has been raped since i have been. i'm sorry i didn't go after the bastard so he wouldn't do it to anyone else. i'm sorry he's probably still out there.

i was a junior in college, and i had been seeing this guy for two and ahalf years. he was and is the love of my life, and that's why he can never know what i'm talking about here. we needed a night apart from each other so i made it a point ot have a girls night out with my roomate and some other friends. we went to a frat party on my university's campus, as we had done when we all first got to college.

we were having a great time--my friends were dancing, and because i don't dance, i just stood around chatting, watching my friends, and drinking a lot of beer. it was a party after all. anyway, the party went on and on, and we stayed til the band played the last song and were packing up their equipment, when all of a sudden my roomate and i ran into a guy we used to know from another friend. john, seemed to be a decent enough guy, and so we didn't think anything about talking to him or his friends. none of them went to my school, but we didn't think it was a big deal. anyway, as i said, i was pretty drunk and was ready to go home, but my roomate still had some energy left, and she invited john and his friends back to our apartment to drink some more and to just hang out a while. i was cool with it, but before we left the frat, john leaned over and kissed me. i was shocked and just stood there because minutes before he just asked me about my boyfriend.

so we rode with john's friend to my house, and then my roomate realized we didn't have much beer and she was out of cigarettes. so everyone was wanting to go to the store to get more supplies. i was too drunk at this time to even walk back down the stairs of my apartment so i said i'd stay behind. that's when john decided to stay too. that's when john raped me.

there i said it. he raped me, the little fuck. after asking me about my boyfriend. he started off with a kiss, then he dragged me to my bedroom, and raped me in my own bed. my OWN bed! and even though it seems like an impossible thing to do, he shoved his penis into my mouth while i was pinned down. this all happened in the time it took to buy some beer and cigarettes from a convenience store.

i was in shock. my roomate came back shortly, but i couldn't even tell her. i still have never told her. she crashed after every one left, but i couldn't sleep. i stayed up and sat outside drinking the last of the beer and smoking cigarettes in utter disbelief. finally when morning came around, i showered for a really long time, but it didn't matter. that scarlet letter still stains my soul to this very day. anyway...that's my story, only a few people know, but maybe through this anonymity, some other girl going to a frat party, or anywhere else can be saved. i'm sorry i didn't save myself.

thanks for reading.
 


I am a surviver in the making. I was raped May 24, 1998. The man who raped me was the best-friend of the man I was seeing. It is such long story, the man I was seeing had lied to me about another woman, who turned out to be his fiancee.' I needed to know for sure if he was lying to me... The opportunity came about when his friend called me and asked if I would like to go to a cabin warming party. At first I thought NO. But I went anyway, because I was so in love with the man I was seeing. The night went along pretty well, at first I was very quiet, watching all the people. I made my first three drinks, (weak, I am not much of a drinker). This so called 'friend' made my last one... The fire was cozy, we laughed, had fun, drank a little, but then it hit me like a ton of bricks... It is a feeling I will never forget. I was nauseous, dizzy, confused. I threw-up three times... I couldn't move, I told my body to move, it wouldn't obey me. I have never in my life been that cold, even the blood in my body felt cold. I laid on the ground for a while, this 'man,' so called friend, helped me to the porch of the cabin. He laid me down. He placed a very heavy sleeping blanket on me and then laid behind me.

He started to touch me, I said no, weakly. I was ill, shivering so hard, my body was convulsing. He picked me up and took me to his truck. I laid down in a fetal position, I was on the passenger side and he went to the drivers side. Everything outside seemed hazy, almost blurry, and blue. He turned the car on for heat, turned the radio on to some country music, and then started to touch me again ... again I weakly said no. In my head I screamed, but it only came out a whisper. I know he heard me, because he said in my ear..."You said no, no woman has ever said no to me"

He placed me hand on his penis, and told me how much he wanted me, again "no". He left the truck, I thought "Thank God, he is going to leave me alone." He went to the other side of the truck, opened the passenger side door, pulled me to the edge of the seat, pulled my pants down, and said, "I have to have you, I need to be inside you." I shook my head no, I wanted my body to fight him, but I couldn't, He raped me.

I did go to the Sheriffs office and report him, it took me a few day to get the courage, but I went... I am still fighting to get my day in court... This man walks around, the sheriffs department is trying to convince me into dropping it, there was no witnesses...I really don't think there are too many rapes that have witnesses... They told me he would get off anyway, so why put myself through it. If I dropped it I don't think I could forgive myself... He would only do it again, and How could I look my children in the eyes... Do they really all get off? They say this is his word against mine, the sheriff believes me, but...... It has been over eight months, I have seen a therapist, I feel like some of me is coming back, but there is this great big hole inside me where I used to be. It will take time, at first I talked about it, but now, I try not to think too much about it, because I feel like I was not only raped by this bastard, but I was again abused by the system who should be helping me. I hear an add on the radio... YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO SAY NO... It doesn't feel like I do. What can I do to change this... No victim should go through what I am going through with the Sheriffs Department and the DA. The only time anything gets done, is when I call someone who is higher up then the last guy...I stress GUY. (the man who raped me, his father works with the Sheriffs department.)

Thank you for listening to me. If you know what I can do to help others, please tell me...

Nancy
 


It was a cool night in August, something that is rare. I made the decision to leave the back bedroom window open and sleep,( the street I lived on was quite and had very little traffic.) It was a hectic day at work and I was having difficulty sleeping, I had just started a new job in a busy Nursing center. I put on the tv and started to watch the honeymooners it started at 11:30 PM, I must have put the tv off around midnight and fell into a deep sleep. At 2:40AM I was awakened by "something" moving the bed.

I was alone in the house, my son was with his father for the entire summer.

When I finally awakened I saw a "man" stnding over my body, his left hand and arm to pin me down if I tried to move. I immedility started to scream for help, as loud as I could. He slammed his hand over me mouth and advised me to shut-up. I did. After some conversation, at this time I had been trying to understand what was going to happen to me, I begged for a glass of cold water, realizing if I could just get downstairs I could get away, I could run out the front door to safety. The "man" allowed me to go downstairs, not alone of coarse. I managed to get to the sink, get the water, it was hot, I thought if I could make it hot enough to at least stun him I could get out, I threw the water and started to run, he too ran, the water did not even phase him At this point he started to beat my head against the wall in the living room, I lived in a duplex, I beat my hands on the wall in hopes that the neighbor would hear this noise and wake and call the police or come to my rescue. When the "man" realized what I was doing he threw me on the couch, breaking the coffee table when my leg hit it and at this time I was being strangled. I could feel myself going unconscious, I managed to get out of his hold and plead for him to stop. This is when he pulled me up by the back of my hair, in a choker lock around my neck, me still in my nightgown, he completely undressed, informed me we were going to go back upstairs and if I screamed or fought he would Kill me. I obeyed I still had a small son I wanted to see grow.

We went upstairs and at which time I had the options of oral, anal or vaginal assault. I chose the later of the three. It was something I could still control. After he raped me, he laid down to sleep, (keeping in mind this whole time I could smell the alcohol on his breath.) I convinced him he had to leave that my son and husband, (which I divorced) would be home after the soccer game, baseball was on strike. The "man" believed me and I convinced him to leave and go out the back door, I also gave him my "phone" number on a piece of paper I had on my refrigerator from my check book box. I made up the number and spelled my name incorrectly. He left, this time not the same way he came in. I promptly locked the back door, run up the stairs to slam the window and lock it before he got back up into the second floor. I heard the loud sound of his muffler pull away. I tried to see what he was driving and I could not, my view was limited. I was at this time able to call my Mom, all I said to her was "Mom, get here quick I have just been raped." I woke her up at 3:17AM and she redialed to see if she was dreaming, she got a busy signal, immediately drove to my house but to find police cars and fire trucks all over. They would not let her on the street and she ran out of her car to get to me, the police were not able to stop her. She stayed with me while the police went looking for evidence after the assault, she stayed with me while the police took me to the hospital and she stayed with me at the hospital. When I was release I had to go back home, call the supervisor from 11-7 shift and tell her I would not be in work that Thursday, I had just been raped and need to go to police headquarters. Stunned just said OK. I went to police headquarters my Mom driving because I was very upset, cut up and scared to be alone at this time. On the way to headquarters we found a young women laying on the side of the road and my Mom made me go help her. She was fine.

I got to headquarters and did the needed paper work, interviews and was sent home to handle the rest of the day.

This began the nightmare. I had just turned 30 years old, I was raising a son alone and had a great nursing career. I lost my career, I could not cope and turned to suicide. It took two years and several attempts at group couciling, one on one, which I started only hours after the assault. I was not there when this poor women was raped and I tried to help her be ok. I was living outside of myself. After two years of fighting to not get better the anxiety attacks and inability to not eat and hold down a job. I finally finished therapy and today 13 years after can say that even though this was the first most horrible thing to happen to me it was the one thing that taught me about me. I went on to speak at local police departments, police academies, prosecutors offices, and local collages. I have met many wonderful people, finished raising my son into adulthood and I am alive and I did survive. I can talk about freely and without shame. I helped put away the "man" who did this, he spent 6 years in prison, 4 on parole, he lost his dad due to death over this, he went to court with no support system, I had the local police, and my family as my support system. I was and am lucky. I am alive to write this letter. I am well.

I spent a long time self counciling to avoid any help, I finally started reading all the books out there, I watched every movie and found out I am not alone and it is going to be ok. I got away with my life, my head will be forever changed but I am ok.

I guess I do have a message, a message I said every time I spoke, you scream till someone hears you, do not keep it locked up, it will come back to haunt you and you did not do anything wrong, this was an uninvited guest and he did not belong there, you did.

Gayle
 
 


 
 
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