I want to thank you So much for your page. I mean, really. After reading your page for the first time i listened to "Me and a Gun" also and I started sobbing. I was raped about a block from my house when I was twelve. That is just 3 years ago. I became a victim of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I started having flashbacks, nightmares too. I closed everyone off. I couldn't function. I was angry, depressed, scared. I felt guilty. The guys who raped me said it was my fault because i wore a tank top that day, and I think the biggest step for me was realizing that the rape wasn't my fault.

Then came the anorexia. I lost six pounds the first week, three the next. Within a month my ribs were visible in my back. I became tired. My once-thick-and-shiny dark hair became dull and brittle. I stopped enjoying life. Everything was pressure.

I haven't made a full recovery yet. But I am trying. And I believe your page and Tori's music helped me realize that I couldn't just forget about it. I had to open up. You can't just bury a rape, because it's still there inside you and it'll come right back at you.
 

I must have been about 7 years old when it first happened. He was around 17 or so, and the son of a friend of the family's. He had always been so nice to me. In the long road trips in the van, he would let me lay in his lap, and with me being as young and naive as I was, thought nothing of it.

This particular time I remember we were on our way home from out of town, and as usual, I was falling asleep slowly in his lap. Drifting off, I felt his hand make his way over to me. He was touching my young, innocent body in a way I knew was not right. And I didn't feel there was any way to make him stop. As much as I did not want it to happen, it happened. *As the winter takes one more cherry tree* And I went home that night and stayed up thinking about what it was that had happened. I don't think I knew enough at the time to feel that I should tell someone. I wasn't aware exactly that it wasn't my fault. I felt there was something wrong with me. I was dirty and that's all there was to it. And so I decided to leave it at that. Case closed.

That is, until 7 years later. I was lucky enough to hear Tori singing "Past the Mission" in a friend's car one night and decided to buy "Under the Pink"...and soon after that I got "Little Earthquakes". I remember the first time I heard these songs. It wasn't so much "Me and a Gun"...I think it was the message I got in all the songs on LE. It forced memories out that I had tried to lock up. And the healing began. And once again, I was violated. This time by an ex-boyfriend of mine. We had stayed friends, so one day we decided to go out with another friend of his for a while. All day long my ex had made comments to me about my breasts, my dress, and how I should have 'given him some' while we were going out. I ignored this bit, thinking it would go away. Later that night back at his house we were just sitting around. I had never before thought I had anything to worry about. When he tried one last time to hit on me, I told him to he knew this wasn't going anywhere. So he threw me on the bed and spread my legs. He put all of his weight on me, and I couldn't move. I began to feel him against me. At about that point I guess I was screaming, so his friend came in the room and got him off of me. It was really weird, because after that, my ex had proceded to apologize. Although he did blame it on "the way I looked." And this is the first time I ever told that story to anyone. My first big step on healing that incident. I usually just listen to Tori and feel myself getting stronger by knowing that there is hope in me. And now by sharing these stories I feel my own courage and strength.

Thank you, Shannon. Thank you, Tori. Thank you, Robyn.
 

Hi ~~ Let me start by saying that each & everyone of your stories is a tribute to the strength & courage you all possess. Through telling your stories you are able to pass this strength to others & allow everyone the opportunity and permission to begin to heal. Ok ~~ Enough procrastinating ;) Here goes,

I'm 24 years old. Four years ago I was raped by 3 men, One of which was my "friend". It started like any other night & soon turned into a night I relive in my nightmares. Every night seems to bring new & painful memories ~~ Memories that I know that I know I must work through to begin the process of healing. Writing about them is my therapy "homework" =()

Nick was a "friend". I had known him only 2 months but we quickly became close ~ Dare I say like brother & sister close. One night in November we were watching a movie when 2 of his friends stopped by. I thought nothing of it. I must have fallen asleep. The rest of the night comes to me in the forn of nightmares & flashbacks. I can now remember my body feeling very heavy & being unable to think clearly (which we now think I was drugged). I remember them carrying me to the bed & being unable to move. I remember mumbling "No" & my face being covered by a pillow. I can feel him on top of me & my arms are pinned at my sides. I can hear voices but what he whispered in my ear are the only words I hear. Those words being "Your so hot". **Cringe** That expression still makes me nauseous. I remember feeling him get off of me & another one get back on. Until they all had their turns. After this I don't remember too much. I don't recall his friends leaving but at some point they did. When I woke again it was only him & he was on top of me again. I don't remember feeling much ~~ Except numb & dead. Next thing I knew it was morning. He got up, kissed me on the forehead (???), & left for class, Like nothing happened. Once he left, I got up & went downstairs to my suite. I sat in the shower & vomited all morning. There were still 3 weeks until the end of the semester. I decided I would stay to finish my finals (though I transferred the following semester). I didn't tell anyone because, at this point, I was unsure and humilated by the whole thing. The weeks followed he stole my mail, knocked on my windows & door & acted mystified by my evasion of him. Being that I lived out of state, My last night at that college I was alone. He was Resident Assistant in the dorm and therefore had access to the master keys (Wish I had though of this fact before). That last night he came back & raped me again ,, Telling me that I "needed a going away present" and that he would miss me. Even today I don't know what kept me from driving off the mountain on my way home. I can't say the thought doesn't pop into my head still today. I won't let them win that easily. I'm too stubborn to let them continue to traumatize me.

So I am currently in therapy & starting to work on this issue. I am also in a fight for recovery from anorexia that rapes triggered from my past. I apologize that this letter is fragmented (Much like my head =) It is hard to organize my thoughts but this certainly had helped.

Anyway, Thank you everyone for sharing your stories. I am grateful to this site for the opportunity to let go of this. Everyone **Be good to yourselves and keep fighting!**

Sandra
 

I don*t really know where to begin to write about this so let me begin with the basics..

I*m 18... when I was 15 I had a lot of things going on with me. My father died and I couldn*t remember him.. along with my childhood. I began doing drugs.. and when that didn*t work I started cutting myself.. My mom saw my behavior and insisted that I start seeing a shrink.. so she tried to get me to see one but I refused, kept on doing the drugs and cutting myself. I never knew why. it was just a release of all the pain I felt about my father dying. When I was 16 I was told that there was this great person named Tori Amos that I should check out. One day at the store I remembered to get one of her cd*s... I got the silent all these years single, I liked that and then started to get other Tori stuff.. I eventually got Little Earthquakes, I heard Me & A. Gun, but it didn*t really register to me at the time. Someone had to point out what she was talking about.. Then I thought oh.. that must be a really terrible thing to have to go through... Time slipped by and I got into Tori more and more...One day I went to school one day and saw this guy that I knew when I was 14 I hadn*t seen him in awhile and when I did this feeling of fear came over me, I was so scared I left school.. I didn*t know why he scared me so badly but later that night I found out why...

Later that night when I was going to bed I started having flashbacks of what that boy had done to me when I was 14. The feeling I had while having those flashbacks was terrifying.. I remembered being over his house.. we were friends then.. One day I was in his room and he tried to "come on" to me, I said "no" he kept hitting on me and when I tried to leave he threw me on his bed. I remember before this I thought I could kick anyone*s butt.. I was wrong.. I don*t remember what he said to me but I remember he had both of my wrists held down and I was fighting him and telling him "NO, get off me.. NO" I don*t know how he held me down so hard because he was so small compared to me...He kept trying to pull down my sweat pants and I kept screaming "NO" I must have said it a million times but he wouldn*t get off of me. In trying to pull down my pants I kneed him.. I don*t remember where.. he fell down on the bed and I got up.. I noticed that there was a knife beside his bed.. I picked up and put it to his throat.. I don*t know why I did.. but I did.. I remember him saying "Go ahead.. do it.. kill me" and for a second I could have.. but something just said get out of here... I held the knife and started backing up.. slowly..I snatched my book bag... as soon as I was to the door I dropped the knife and ran home as fast as I could.

I remember getting in the shower crying , scrubbing my skin until it was red and praying for God*s forgiveness.. I felt so dirty and disgusting..The ironic thing about him trying to rape me was that I didn*t know it was attempted rape. Looking back on it now I acknowledge that. When I was little I was never taught about rape, molestation.. sex.. anything like that. All I was taught was that sexual things were dirty and that you would go to hell if you did them. I started to hate going to school.. dreading that I would see him.. and after awhile I just stopped going period. I couldn*t tell anyone about it...I knew my family would just say that it was my fault for going to his house. So I made up this lie in my head that he was just kidding around.. It eventually worked, and the memory got lost..I again forgot that anything had happened.

Then, when I was 17.. I remembered this.. the whole feeling.. of complete shame and disgust all over again. A person I knew told me that they were raped. This time when I remembered my own situation with the guy only opened the door for the other demons that I had locked away to come out and play..I remember when I was a child I was sexually molested by my neighbor... When I remembered it I felt like I was that little girl again.. I remembered how she smelled.. what she said.. even how she tasted.. Thinking about it again and typing all this up makes me want to forget it.. I want to go and hide again, like I*ve always done... But I will continue..

After remembering what I can about being molested.. I can*t remember everything it*s in bits and pieces.... I*m still trying to piece that whole puzzle together.. There*s a possibility that I*ll never fully piece that puzzle together... and that makes me angry with myself. I get angry because I feel like I*m still tyring to hide all of those memories, like I*m the one who needs to feel ashamed. Most of the time I have to remind myself that when I am ready to deal with those memories they will come.

After being that child again.. I became a teenager again..

I was watching this show on TV about "roofies" that date rape drug.. I heard the terrible stories that the women had to tell.. hearing them describe their experiences opened another door for the demons to come out and play. When I was 15 I was at this party for this guy that I loved when I was 15.. he was older.. about 21 I think.. I don*t remember his age.. anyway the year before that party he walked all over me. I was nothing to him. It was a year later that I saw him again (at the party.. it was his) He took certain interest in me, but I didn*t like him like that. That time of liking him had passed for me. I remember after everyone but my friend and I had left he kept trying to touch me and take off my clothes... I kept saying "NO" I thought he was kidding so I stayed longer.. Then I asked him for two aspirin . He came over with this bottle it was was a tylenol aspirin bottle. He asked me how many I wanted and I said 2.. then he said to me "Are you SURE that you want 2?" I said yes.. I*ve taken more than two aspirin before. Anyways I took the "aspirin" and a little while later I felt really sleepy.. in fact I kept passing in and out of conciousness.. I remember he was wrestling on the floor with my friend and then he got onto the bed and started trying to look down my shirt and touch me.. I mumbled "NO" but he kept doing it.. I couldn*t lift my arms to hit him or slap him.. my arms felt like big weights were attached to them... This went on for awhile me passing in and out of conciousness.. I remember he wanted me to stay over.. I said "no.. I*ve gotta go home now" we kept this on for awhile then my friend had to go home too.. I don*t remember how I got into her car.. but I remember being there..

I passed out in there too.. I remember she breaked really hard and that woke me up.. I passed out again a minute later.. I don*t remember how I got into the house but I remember that I told one of my friends I*d call her and tell her how the party was.. I remember dialing the number talking for about 5 minutes then it all went blank. I woke up.. disorriented with the phone in my hand.. I didn*t remember anything.. and even now the details are very sketchy..to me at the time I thought I was just "tired" so I blocked it out...

I*ve only been dealing with all these memories for about 2 years.. all these memories that I*d supressed for years... The aftermath of all of this happening to me is indescribable (sp) I don*t go outside.. I*ve locked myself in my house these past 2 years.. I don*t go out.. because if I do I start to shake uncontrollaby. I don*t trust men at all.. I can*t stand to be touched by anyone even by my family for a hug.. I can*t see myself as a functioning human being.. I can*t see myself getting a job, having kids, having a loving relationship, having an intimate one... and that angers me more than anything.. It angers me that I*ve completly shut down because of all of this..I am in therapy now and I*ve been for about a year.. and I*m getting a little better each session.. The scars on my arms and my internal scars will never fade. They*re there for life.. the memories will always be there too, but now it*s about facing them and not hiding them anymore. Sharing my story with you is even a step towards healing, & I thank you for allowing me to share my story with you.

*~With Love*~
Stephanie the Butterfly
 

i guess this is kind of silly. I don't have a real story. i know that I've been abused but it doesn't really fit any category.I always feel wrong or false for hurting. Do you know what I mean? Well, I'll expalin.

I gained a step father when I was 14. I didn't want one, but my mom was hellbent on marrying him. He was very verbally abusive, always threating to kill us or never let us eat again, or throw us out. He would break into my room and search through my things. He would also come into my room when I was asleep and i guess watch me sleep. He did this when friends were over, too. I never felt safe sleeping. I would push things against the door to keep him out. i stopped sleeping at night. He would call me a whore for wearing make up. He told my mother awful stories about me. He would tell me that 'boys want to see more skin' if i wore a lot of clothing. No part of my life was safe from him. He was every where. He made suggestive comments to my friends. I've never told anyone all this at once. My mother told me I provoked him and she wasn't there to see it so she didn't believe me. She wouldn't let me get a real lock on my door. She still insists she didn't know. I was never safe. I had to come completley dressed out of the shower. I tryed so hard to wake up when I knew he was there, but i've never been a light sleeper. I would wake up enough to scare him away but never enough to scream and kill him. i blame myself for this completely. I if I was a lighter sleeper, I could have called my mom in to the room. I could have done something. Instead, i was groggy and confused always. Probably because I rarely slept, and had nightmares every night. Still do.

I'm sorry this was so long. I suppose you also don't think it counts but it has disturbed me even after we are rid of him.I can't trust anyone. I do have a boyfriend and I do love him, but I don't trust him. There needs to be an end to this. Any kind of abuse like this, rape, anything. How? i'm a lot more emotional than I thought I would be. I hate him. I hate my mother. I hate the court system that gave my uncle 2 years in jail for raping an 11yr old and some guy 7 (2 served) for raping 4 girls (one was my best friend) under the guise of religious guidance. I hate it when anyone says the way I feel isn't justified. My family protects monsters and I get sent to therapy for 'not getting along'. Where does it end?

Charlotte
 

I am now 26 and have been living with this for over five years. I thank all those who were brave enough to tell their stories. My isn't of the violent nature, but nonetheless just as painful.

I was 20 and worked as a bartender in a bar and met quite a few people (men) there. I became friends with only one or two of the regulars. I only trusted one or two of them. I didn't consider myself to be a naive individual, actually I thought I was pretty "street smart". I thought it only happened to other people, those that aren't as "street smart". I found out I couldn't have been more wrong.

He was a nurse an area hospital (which added to the reason I trusted him). He would come in right after his shift and share his day; who he saved-who he lost with me. I not only admired him but swore one day I would like to be like him. We always talked alot.

One night I worked an early shift and he just walked in; he asked if I like to I would like to stay and have a drink with him, he had a bad day. I agreed told him what I was drinking, let him order it then excused myself to go to the ladies room and freshen up.

When I came back my drink was already there and he began to tell me of his "bad day" (I am using that term loosely). After the drink he asked me if I wanted to go for a quick ride on his motorcycle. I agreed, but said I would have to be back soon, I was meeting some friends.

Well, while on his motorcycle I felt well ---like I was in a movie. I started to feel really funny. Like I had absolutely no control. I remember trying to say to him that I wasn't feeling well, and I wanted to go back but I am not even sure those words came out. I remember it started getting darker and colder and I began to fall asleep on the back of the motorcycle. Next thing I remember is being at a motel sitting against the outside wall of the office and I felt the world was spinning way too fast. I remember the feeling of being picked up and carried. I remember darkness and a horrible smelling room. I remembering saying my girlfriends name over and over again ( the one I was supposed to be meeting) and I remember the time 9:48 pm. I kind of woke up five hours later to him kissing me all over then I remember nothing again. In the morning, still out of it (I really couldn't feel anything) he raped me again. We left the motel-he asked if I wanted breakfast. He stopped at McDonalds and ate. Then he took me home and dropped me off. I completely stunned went in my house where my mom was frantic "where were you-you've never stayed out all night before without calling me and telling me where you are!" I was confused and exhausted. I didn't even acknowledge I heard her, I went straight to bed and slept for two days.

After that he would come in my work and buy me gifts; he wouldn't say anything he would just hand them to me and smile this aggrevating smile, I would just throw them out. For years I convinced myself that it didn't actually happen.

I was angry with myself I thought "you should have known better, you should have seen that one coming". I pulled away from friends and family I loved. I had problems trying to have relationships with men and I trouble trusting my feelings or my gut instinct. I dropped out of school. I stopped doing my volunteer work with juvenile delinquents. I stopped eatin, I stopped sleeping or slept way too much. I just stopped caring. I found it hard to get over. I then kept telling myself --you should be over this by now. Getting even madder at myself.

Going to the police never even crossed my mind. I blamed myself, really bad. How could I be so stupid. It was my fault for going on his motorcycle. Blame---blame----blame!!!! For years that is what I have been enduring. Now I am starting to be at peace with myself. I work with highschool kids and talk often of rape and physical abuse (not my own). I am surprised by how many men find it not only funny but the female probably deserved it. That is an attitude that needs to be stopped. It needs to be addressed better in health classes. We need to start making a difference----WISH I KNEW HOW!!