It was my sophomore year in high school (i was 14 and he was 15) and I was dating this guy that I thought was the sweetest guy that you could ever meet. It was all good in the beginning. We started dating in July of '92. He was so sweet to me. He had a job and would buy me anything I wanted. We had talked about sex and I told him that I wanted to wait till I was married. He agreed.

It was the night of Sept. 27th 1992 that my life and childhood changed. I felt so care free and so much like a child and wanted to stay that way. That night after school his sister called and told me that she had some clothes that she wanted to give away. We lived 11 houses away on the same street. I walked down to his house and tried on the clothes. He was (is) in love with '57 chevys. ( this is so hard) He had purchased new posters and put them up in his room. He asked me to look at them. I said okay. I didn't think anything about it because his sister was there. at exactly 6:55 p.m. I walked into his room. The stereo was on and it was playing a song by anthrax. He shut the door behind me and told me to look above the bed. There was a new poster. I lost my balance and fell back on the bed. He sat next to me and we started to make out. (I wasn't even big enough in the chest to wear a bra). He started to feel on my legs and I told him to stop. He asked me to make love to him and I told him no. He kept on asking and I kept on repeating no. I then stood up and told him that he was scaring me. He pushed me back down and that is when it all started. I started screaming and he started to chock me. He told me to just lay back and enjoy it. I looked at the time and it was 7:05 p.m. . He pulled my jeans down and lifted my sweater and punched me in the chest every time I made a noise. I remember the pain and closed my eyes trying to fight back the tears. He had his hand around both of my wrists holding them above my head. He had his mouth all over my body telling me that he loved it when I struggled. every time that I would kick, bite, or scream I would get hit in the chest or stomach. When it was all over it was 9:15 p.m. He got up and I just ran out of the house screaming. He followed me to the door and told me that if I ever told anyone and broke up with him that he would kill my little sister.

That night I showered about 5 times with nothing but hot water and scrubbed my body till it was raw. I felt so dirty. I stayed with him. He would punch me everyday. He called me a slut and a whore. I did not get my period and went to the health department to confirm that I was pregnant. I did not know what to do. Here I was 14 years old bruises all over my body. No one to talk to and pregnant. I had a dream to go to college and get an education. I could not have an abortion. I was against them. Two months later I turned 15. The day after my 15th birthday (Nov. 19th) My best friend died. (My great grandmother). In December I finally told him that I was now 3 months pregnant. He beat me so bad that I had to wear long sleeves for a week. That night I woke up with sever pain in my stomach. I went to the bathroom and I was bleeding. I had lost the baby.

Two months later we were talking and I made him mad. So mad that he pulled me down a flight of cement stairs. I tore everything in my right knee and had to wear a leg brace from my hip to my ankle for 12 weeks. Shortly after that one night we were talking and I made him mad at me and he bit me so hard that he took a chunk of skin out of my arm. One night in May it all ended. He tried to rape me again on my living room floor and my aunt walked in. That night I sat down and told my mom everything that happened. I started to cry so hard and so bad that I was shaking. I went through counseling but that has not helped. I still think of killing myself but I have to much to live for. His family still lives down the street from me and still starts things with me. They will drive by and call me a whore. I lost my best friend because she did not know how to handle with me be suicidal. I met a guy named Joe and he saved my life more than once. I have lost contact with him.

I met a guy named Mike in May of '96 and we started to date Oct. 8th '96. We are now engaged. We are getting married March 27th of '99. ( I will graduate college in December) When I first met him I told him what had happened to me and he told his mother. His mother said that it was date rape and that was not really rape. He did not believe me for a long time. It took a lot of nightmares and flashbacks for him to realize that what happened to me was really rape. I told him that rape was when you tell a person no no matter what you are wearing, doing, or saying at the time and they still sexually assault you. No means no. He now understands that and is going through this with me. He now knows that when I have a flashback that the only thing to do is sit and listen to me when it is over. I hate the flashbacks.

It seams that I am trapped. I can hear the outside world but I can not respond. When me and Mike make love it is nothing like what has happened to me. He is gentle, kind, and understanding. He takes his time and goes slow. When I do have spells and he is in the mood. He will start to kiss me and I will tell him no or please stop. He stops right away and asks me first if he can put his arm around me. We will then cuddle and cry together. I know that I am not alone. I do have Mike but I am all alone. Make sense? I feel like I am trapped in a nightmare that will never end. I hate Ralph and I will always hate him. Ralph is now in jail which makes me feel good that he can not hurt me again till he gets out. When I broke up with him. He took his hands and wrapped them around my neck and tried to kill me. I kicked him and ran. He shouted after me that he was going to kill me. I still fear for my life. I will have people call me at work and moan into the phone or they will follow me to wherever I go. Mike has taught me how to defend myself. He is a big guy. He is 22 and I will be 21 in Nov. He is almost 6 feet tall and weighs about 300 pounds. I have play fought him and even smacked him when I was angry. It will be two years on Oct 8th that we have been dating and not once have I ever been afraid of him. I am afraid of my own self though. If I let myself go and feel the feelings that I have I am afraid that I will start to abuse other people. I have not learned how to love myself again. But I will. I am learning how to accept love though and it hurts. It is not easy. I am glad to find that I am not crazy though for thinking about all of this almost six years later and even thinking about killing myself. The more I push away the memories the more they come back. I am scared to fall asleep at night because I know that I will relive the rape over and over again. How do I escape? How will I move on and forget what has happened?

anyone who wants to can e-mail me at bellie10@juno.com

Suzette Lane

My story is a little bit different than yours but alike in almost all ways. It is very hard for me to say most words that I write. Writing I have found is ALOT easier than talking. I will start from the begining of my abuse and go from that until now. Now meaning my age of 15. it all started when I was 3.

My Aunt and Uncle and their 2 children live right down the street from me. My Aunt is a pretty strict person and my Uncle is a strict buisness man. Neither of them have time for their children. When I wwas three my cousin "C.J" was three and my cousin "Mindy" was 6. CJ and Mindy even at that tender age were engaging in sexual acts. They weren't yet actually having intercourse. That had oral sex and touchy feely stuff but never actually penetrated. My cousins only thought about sex. When we played house or Barbies or went swimming in the pool that is all they wanted and talked about. They saw me as a vernerable person and they forced me to watch them. if I closed my eyes my older cousin would sometimes take tweezers and pinch my nipples. Sometimes she would bite me or pull my hair out. It all was the same hell to me.

These things happend every time i was at their home. Mostly everyday over the summer and after school (pre-school) until my Mom came and got me. When I was 5 the playful explorations with them stopped. they were ready for more than play. They started actual intercourse that summer of my life. They would force me to play a game called "boat". When we played boat I was the maid. Mindy was the captains wife and CJ was the captain. The captain sometimes got bored of sex with his wife so he wanted the maid. I was 5 the time the first rape occured.

When I was 6 it was the first time I was made to perform oral sex. He would push himself all the way into me and I would gag for air. I threw up alot. I got sores in my mouth alot and the doctors thought I had tonsilitis ALOT so they removed my tonsils. 3 days after my operation he made me perform oral sex. It hurt worse than the actual rape did. By the time I was 12 I had been raped so many times that I couldn't count. In 7th grade I started my search for the right person to tell. It took me until February of my 8th grade year to find someone that I trusted enough. She was my vice-principal. I was VERY wrong to trust her. She had the police come in without even telling me. She didn't give me a hug after having to talk with a male investigator that didn't want to believe me in the first place. February 5th is when it ended though.

The police didn't have enough evidence to put him away or even go to court. That is what hurt the most. Then this year after a year of therapy and I thought I was going to make it. it happend again. I had a very good male friend "Nathan". He was very sweet and we made jokes about sex like any normal teenager does. We joked lke we had a relationship and it was mutual that none of the things we talked about were true. On April 15th 1998 he called and said he was going to come over to get help from me on some school work. Something in my gut told me he sounded weird. I called a trusted teacher and asked what I should do. She said to keep him outside of my house and not to let him in. When he came over we sat down outside and I started to drill him with questions about his health grade. He got up and went inside. I was fearful that he would brake something and my dad would be mad. I followed him in. He satr down and we were watching Rosie O'Donell and then at 3:48 pm he raped me. He went out back smoked a cigarette and left. He disposed of the condom in my back yard. i called my therapist and told her. The police came and I was take to the hospital where they used the rape kit. Now it is August 30th. I start school tomorrow and I have to face him in school. Their isn't a trial date yet. My doctor is giving a statement next week, I am lost in a depressed state of mind. I am hurt and abandoned. I don't feel any love from my parents or anyone. Hopefully my story will end now and forever. Maybe even encourage someone that hasn't told to tell, believe me telling is harder but being raped is harder,

Laura age 15
 

This was very hard to write, so if I babble on please bear with me.I just wrote this for the human sexuality class I'm taking this semester. It is supposed to be on a personal occurrence in your life involving sexuality. I think this more than applies. So, here goes nothing! In the summer of 1971, my stepfather started forcing me to perform oral sex on him while he read Playboy or Penthouse. I was seven years old. This went on for 1 1/2 years. I finally told a baby-sitter who called my mother at work and told her. My mother told me to go to my next door neighbors house and to stay there until she came to get me. When she got home, she called the police. When they finally got there, they questioned me for two hours. Then they arrested Randy. We went to court or to the court appointed psychiatrist at least once a week for about six months. Randy's attorney kept getting a continuance for one reason or the other. My mother told the D.A.'s office she didn't want to put me through any more and dropped the charges. The following summer, she sent me to live with her mother.

After living with my grandmother for about a year, her husband started raping me. (My grandmother was married to Randy's father.) He also performed oral sex on me and forced me to do the same to him.(I guess molesting is inter generational.) During this time, my grandmother and Ray would take nude pictures of me and would have orgies with other people when they thought I was asleep. This went on for about a year. I was also being molested by friends of theirs. I believe now that my grandmother probably knew about it and just let it keep going on. After I graduated from the 6th grade, I went back to live with my mother. This time I didn't tell. I didn't think anyone would believe me.

When I was 13, my mother sent me to live with Dean & Janelle, friends of hers. I had been living there for about two months when Dean began raping me. This time it didn't start out with the same pattern. Where the others were forceful and threatening, Dean was just the opposite. He was kind and gentle and made me believe that this was ok. The frequency started out at once a week but soon after went to daily and sometimes 2 or 3 times a day. Anal and oral sex was also included. I thought it was different this time because there was no violence or threats. I figured that it couldn't be bad if my body was responding, and it felt good. I thought I was in love with Dean. He would do things for me, buy me things and treat me special, I guess like a daughter. ( How could I have been so stupid?) Janelle found out after about a year. She got very upset, said I was seducing her husband. She totally blamed me for this. She told my mother her side of the story and I still believe to this day that my mother agreed with her. I found out Dean was also having sex with his daughter when she would come to visit in the weekends. Shortly after this "relationship" was discovered, Dean disappeared. To my knowledge, no one has heard from him since.

I went back to my mothers for about two months. Then she sent me to live with my grandmother again. By this time, Ray had died. (Good Riddance!) My grand mothers friends started approaching me for sex again. This time, I started charging them for it. I figured if I was going to be forced into this again, I was going to have a little control over it. I guess it all got to be too much. I tried to take my life by taking an overdose of pills. (Midol) My grandmother made me start seeing the school psychologist. Still I didn't tell. Then my grandmothers boarders started forcing me to have sex with them. I ran away from home. I was 16. I talked to a friend about this. She suggested that I report it. After thinking about this for a few days i finally reported it. I was shipped off to a runaway shelter in Los Alamitos. I stayed there for 2 weeks. Then I was shipped back to mom again. During this time, my mother had remarried. Her new husband started making passes at me. I ran away from home again. I told her what happened and she didn't believe me. We got into a major physical fight over it.

While in high school, I became very promiscuous. I went to bed with one guy after another. I finally got into more or less a serious relationship. Six months into it "Paul" forced me to have sex with him . I told him no, but it didn't do any good. 10 weeks later I found out I was pregnant. I had an abortion. I didn't tell anyone what happened. After the abortion, we broke up. Two months later, I tried to kill myself again. This time, I was shipped off to a psychiatric hospital for 2 1/2 months. A month after I was released, my boss raped me. I got pregnant. I had the abortion right after I graduated from high school. This time I reported it, but not to the police. I told the assistant manager where I worked. He reported it to the company and Bob was forced to resign.

This has totally affected just about every facet of my life. The ability to trust, particularily men is almost non-existant. There are so many gaps missing in my memory that I will probably never recover. I'm not comfortable in any sexual situation. Sex with my husband is twice a year if it's a good year. I feel like these men took away my childhood and everything else that was good in my life.I still feel like it was my fault. Maybe if I had said no a little louder, been a little stronger or fought back it might not had ever happened. Since this whole thing started, I have tried to take my life 4 times. I have had 3 abortions. It has gotten in the way with how I interact with my own children. I'm constantly testing my husband. Depression has been a constant since my early teens. I have panic attacks, nightmares and flashbacks more days than not. My life feels totally out of control and I'm constantly angry. As far as feelings go, I try not to feel. It's too scary and it hurts too much.

Things are slowly getting better but it seems to be a very long slow road. Sometimes it's like two steps forward one step back and it doesn't seem like there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I'm lucky though. I survived and lived to tell about it. I have taught my children, both girls 7 & 8, at an early age that it is ok to say NO to adults on some things (like this) . I have told them that if someone touches them in a way that makes them feel "icky" (it's a good word for small children, I started telling them at age 4) to tell an adult they trust. I've told them where it is ok for an adult to touch them and where it is not ok. I talk to them about this regularly. I want this to end with me. Someday I will tell them my story.
 

Well, here I am sitting, waiting, wondering... That is my second time on this site today and I just don't know what to do. Should I write MY story or still be silent like I've been for 6 long years now? I am 22 and it happened when I was 16. I've never told to anyone except my best friend few years ago and she didn't help me. Not that she didn't want to cause she really tried but, she just couldn't understand. It is very hard for me right now and I just don't now how to begin the *story*. So I guess I'll just say it... I was 16 and going out with this very pretty boy. He was my first boyfriend and I was so *impressed* by everything he was! He was almost 20 and very popular. He had LOTS of friends, was playing sports, was always well dressed, etc. I was crazy about him! He always had been nice to me, never forced me to do anything I didn't want to and was so patient with me... At the time I wasn't ready to sleep with him cause he my first boyfriend and I was very shy with boys. You know, I was happy with him! Well, as happy as a 16 girl can be with her first love!

So THAT night came! I was dating him for 3 or 4 months. As usual he called me and asked me to come to his house and watch movies. I went and met his *new* friend. This *new* friend was very tall, huge compare to the tiny thing I was and he was...strange! I had a bad impression about him but I didn't tell... So we watched movies and talked about everything... Than my boyfriend decided to go out to buy some things to eat. He asked me to go with him but I said NO. I should have said "yes, YES i'm comming with you" but I didn't! I staid alone with this *monster*. The second my boyfriend leaved the house he jumped on me! I wasn't expecting something like that! How can you expect a terrible thing like that to happen to you? He pushed me on the couch and covered my mouth with his big hand. I tried to escape but was so big, so strong and so angry! He was saying horrible things to me and I just didn't understand why because it was the first time that we were meeting! How could he think that I was a *bitch* and a *sluth*?? And how the hell did he think that I wanted to have sex with him??? I tried to pushed him away but he was to strong and he was on top of me... He so eavy that I couldn't breathe... He hits me in the face many times and then pushed me on the floor. Then he took his pants off, riped off my clothes and...a miracle happened...(well, that's what I tought it was!)...he lost his errection! I tought "OH thank you God"!! But he became SO angry that he started to hit me everywhere on my body, I was screaming and crying but there was NOTHING I could do! He said "look what you did! You made me so excided that I can't *fuck* you now"... I just couldn't understand! What did I do to deserve something like that? Then he took an object, something big, a statuette...I don't really know and I don't want to know but he pushed it iside of me... I tought "I'm dying...right here on the floor, I'm dying" but NO, I was still alive but all my body was in pain. A pain I have never felt before, like he was cutting my scin, my bones, my soul in little pieces. I was totaly lost and feeling an incredible pain. It seems to be lasting and lasting for ever... I don't know for how long he *raped* me with this *thing* but I it was hurting so much that I just lost *it* for some time! When I woke up, he was sitting on the couch and waiting for me to wake up... All I remember is all the blood on the floor and his angry eyes! I looked at him and he hit me in the face and raped me. I was so weak that I just closed my eyes and cried...

My boyfriend came home and didn't say a word... Like he knew what this guy was going to do! I didn't say anything either...he drove me home and I never saw him again! After it happened, I've been sick because of all the *things* he had done to me...but I never told anyone! For those who asked me, I said "I had a car accident"... I don't think somebody noticed what really happened that terrible night! Since then, I never had a boyfriend...how can I trust a man???? I am always scared to be left alone with a man and I don't know if I will ever trust somebody...

After that night I discovered Tori Amos who helped me so much with her music! Like she was singing MY pain... Her music his a therapy, well...I want it to be a therapy! Tori helped me a lot. I just don't know how I got through that night but I did and I am still alive... Alive...yes, but a BIG part of myself died that night. I am not the same and I won't ever be the same again. I lost my soul...HE stole it and got away with it. But does he know what he did to me? Sometimes I pray for him to be killed and to suffer... I want him to go through all I've been through that night...I want him to DIE! I want his soul to fall appart in little pieces...

I am trying to go on with my life and to forget but I can't! After 6 years I still woke up every night, in tears... Maybe I'll tell this story one day but for now, I just can't. Can't get close to anybody without being scared, without thinking about that terrible night! Oh I'm happy...yes...I'm happy with my friends, my familly, my studies and my life but I'm not happy with myself... How can I be? He stole everything I had...all my dreams, all my love, all that I was.

Note: I was unable to respond to this survivor. If you're reading this, thank you so much for finding the courage to tell your story. I wish you the best of luck in everything. I know that you can find the pieces that were lost...