well, around Christmas time, we met at the mall to exchange gifts. we went to this indoor fire escape where no one goes. so...he gives me these really gross earrings. I gave him a Metallica tape. after that, we kissed a bit, and he started touching me and stuff. I didn't really want him to do that, but I didn't think too much of it. so he has me up against the wall, pulls down my pants, takes me and throws me to the ground and rapes me. I cried and kept telling him to stop, and he didn't. when it seemed my cries were getting loud, he did stop. after that, I didn't know what to do. I went home and sat in a dark room. I really did think I had done something wrong. at school, he told all his friends about it. his friends told their friends, and so on. everyone started calling me names...slut, whore, hooker.....and guys would come up to me and ask me for sexual favors. I tried to ignore all of it. I did an ok job of it, too. but everytime I saw him, he would do the same thing.

over a period of nine months I'd estimate he raped me 50 or more times. while this was going on, I felt so completely worthless. I attempted suicide twice. there really was no one to help me. my "friends" didn't understand. my family thought I was lying. so I just pushed it out of my mind for a few years. it all came back though. in nightmares, mostly. I turned to music for help. Tori Amos, Hole, Heather Nova were people I'd listen to a lot.

eventually I found a real friend. he's now my husband, and someone I can share things like this with. whenever I have one of my nightmares he just holds me and we talk about it. he's a big help in my healing process. it's been 8 years since the rapes. it's only been about 4 years since I started dealing with it. I still feel like I have a long way to go.
 

Another part of this, is that he told several people that he had had sex with me. I don't know how many. But at least 2 people have told me that he has told them this. People that he was having a casual conversation with, and my name happened to come up, and so he said, "Oh her? I had sex with her once." He is a disgusting person.

And I don't know where to go from here.

Mairie
 

I am 16 years old... I saw the segment on 20/20 tonite because Tori Amos was going to be on there and she is my favorite singer.....At the end of the segment I was in tears. I went to the bathroom and tried to stop crying so my mom wouldn't know there was something wrong. Then after I watched it I watched LA DOCTORS and there was a lady on there who had been raped. Then I watched the news and there was a lady who was raped and I realized that I've been ignoring this for so long only telling 3 people then forgetting about it and now I'm scared. I got the URL for your site from a TORI mailing list I am on and I started reading people's storie... I read a few and then thought I could email you but I ended up canceling it before sending it because I got too upset... then I came back and now I think I can do it.

Before it happened I was really happy all the time... I trusted people so easily. I was the loving little hippy chic that forgave everyone no matter what and was friends with everyone... I thought everything in the world was happy and I woke up each day looking for something to be thankful for... Tori was my favorite singer and I had listened to Little Earthquakes a million times knowing what ME and a GUN was about and I always thought "wow I am so glad I've never been put in that position. I am so lucky.. it would probably never happen to me anyway"

Dec. 12, 1997 I went on a sort of blind date type thing with this guy that was in one of my friends classes and he knew me but I didn't know him and seh set it all up.... He was really nice and fun to be with and we were just playing around at a lake and he tried to kiss me but i didn't think of him that way so I wouldn't let him and he got really upset and stormed off to the car so naturally I followed him so he wouldn't leave me stranded there miles away from a neighborhood or even a pay phone... so then he drove me to his friends house where 3 of his friends were drinking... I didn't drink because his friends were mean and assholes to alot of girls I knew and I didn't want to be put in a bad situation. Well I got up to go into the bathroom to brush my hair and just sort of escape form it all because all 4 of the guys had been making sick sexual jokes about me and just being really inappropriate... Well a couple seconds later the door opened and my date walked in and again tried to kiss me and got mad when I pulled away so I started backing up and he grabbed me again... I don't remember the whole struggle but at some point I flipped backwards over the toilet and so he took advantage of me on the ground... the next thing I knew all of his friends were in there and he was ripping my pants off of me... they were just laughing and cheering him on while I was laying there trying to scream but nothing would come out. And then he raped me and when he was done he got up and said "you know you really are a good fuck like your ex boyfriend said"... so I just got up and got dressed and walked out of the huse crying... my house was about 4 miles away so I walked for what seemed like hours and snuck in so my momwouldn't ask me what happened..... I collapsed on my bed room floor and cried.. I was to weak to shower, to weak to get undressed, I just cried.

I acted like I was sick for 3 days until my mom finally made me go to school. And when I saw him there I had to throw up... his friends would get right up next to me in the halls and call me a slut, a whore, a dirty bitch etc. So I finally changted schools when I got the chance because my mom and I moved to a new district. I told 2 people online that I didn't know because it was bothering me and I figured I was safe that way... and then I told my current boyfriend and he was really supportive of me.. I am so scared because this is the first time it's really been thrown in my face... I know I'm okay but I don't even know if things will be the same between me and my boyfriend now.. I've had so many emotions tonite and I don't even know if what I am feeling is right or wrong.
 

From one to another:
They say that some people attract certain types of abuse. I do. I was always Daddy's girl. My mother left when I was 3. I slept in the same bed with him until I was eight. I don't know why I was afraid to sleep in my own bed. But I liked the way Daddy tickled me and played with me. He was always gentle with me. I never told anyone because I didn't think it was wrong. I mean, he never hurt me or forced me. I just got rewarded with toys and treats if I played.

When I was 8, Daddy said that I should make friends and start sleeping in my own bed. I started to bring friends home from school but they all refused to come back saying that Daddy had hurt them when we played games. I never understood why all the kids were afraid of him.

Daddy would always come and sit with me until I fell asleep. When I started Middle School, I found new friends. I had a sleep-over. One of the guests felt homesick, so Daddy took her into the Bedroom to call her house. When Crissy came out, she was crying and said that her mom was going to pick her up.

The next day, Crissy's mom called Daddy. Daddy had to go talk to this woman at school. Her name was Ms. Holmes and she talked to Crissy's family and Daddy and me. When she talked to me she asked me about Daddy. I told her everything not knowing it would hurt Daddy so much.

She took me to a doctor who said I was fine and sent me back to Daddy. But Daddy was mad at me. It was the first time I had ever mad him upset. I was sad and scared. So I went up the street to B.J.'s.

B.J. was fifteen, I was twelve. B.J. was the neighborhood problem solver. I told him and showed him what happened and he turned pale. He went and called Tom, the only kid in the neighborhood who was listened to by adults. Tom told B.J. he would call the police.

Tom took me to his house and asked me to show him what I had shown B.J. I did. And then he had me take my clothes off. He did stuff like Daddy did. But then he started to hurt me. I cried and told him to stop but he didn't. When he stopped, he said I was fixed now. I felt kinda sick, but good in a weird way. It hadn't hurt that bad, and he said I was better so Daddy would like me. Then he hit me, and I felt really sick. I went home to Daddy.

Daddy threw me in the shower after I told him. He got in too. then we were both naked, and he was scrubbing me, trying to get the bad germs off me he said. Then he said that "Tom had ruined me, and that Tom and me were both bad.

I tried to calm him down by saying that it hadn't hurt that bad, and maybe it felt a little bit good. Then he slapped me in the face and said that he hadn't planned on doing this yet, but since I was already ruined, why not? He raped me. He raped me every night for the next couple months and then he just stopped. Two years ago, he started coming back into my room and touching me. No matter how much I scream and bite and yell and kick and beg, he won't stop.

I've told a lot of people like teachers and counselors and doctors. I even called the police once but no one seemed to care. I began writing poetry. It was depressing and scared people away. I've tried to kill myself but I never had the guts to go through with it.

Then one day I met this kid in school, and he was nice. I didn't tell him anything. But one day he just hit me and I panicked. I went home and overdosed. Daddy found me and after a nice little hospital visit where everyone just smiled and nodded and shook their heads at me when they thought I wasn't looking, i went back home.

Last year, I met this girl in school, and she helped me face what happened with Tom. There's a few things I can't help believing though. O ne is to be guilty for leading Daddy on when I was little by liking the way it felt. Two is being guilty for what happened when I was older and what happens now because i led him on and deserve punishment for tricking him. Three is that I am now completely afraid of men.

That girl I met is now my girlfriend. I'm not sure if we'll ever have a physical relationship, right now it's just emotional. I don't know if I'll ever be able to touch anyone again.

I'm still very afraid of everyone. Daddy still comes in some nights and touches me. He's turned into an alcoholic and hits me and grabs me and sometimes comes close to raping me again. But it's okay because it's only because he's drunk.

I hope one day I'll be better and I'll be able to talk to guys without turning pale, shaking, and bursting into tears if they come too close. I never really listened to Tori Amos, but after that show last night, I'm going to. Maybe it'll help. I hope so. It's good to be able to let it out. I haven't told my g/f everything yet. I'm afraid.

Thank you for reading this. Knowing that someone knows the truth is very relieving. Thank you.

kaeia@hotmail.com
 

My story starts at the age of four. My sister and another boy from our babysitter's were playing "truth or dare" with a couple of teenage boys down the street. They had gone over to one of the boy's houses and my sister took me along. One of the teenage boys whispered something to the other and they ended up taking me into the garage. My sister got scared and her and the other little boy kicked down the gate to the teenager's house to get themselves out. But I was left behind. The teenagers took me into the garage and proceeded to do things to me no one would ever want to imagine on anyone, let alone a four year old! They inserted things into me including my own doll and themselves and somehow they found this all amusing.

I remember taking that doll home and destroying it. I cut off the legs they had used against me, and cut her hair and her arms. I made incisions in her face with my scissors and colored in marker all over her body. To me, if I made her "not pretty" it would never have happened and never would happen again.

It took me sixteen years to tell my sister what happened that day. I felt mostly because I did not want her to feel like she left me or she was at fault, but at the same time I think I may have harbored a lot of blame for her while I was growing up. It was not until I started dealing with my feelings that I could truly hasve a healthy relationship with her or anyone for that matter.

A second incident occured when I was seven, and this time in my own house. I was in the bathtub and a woman came in and molested me. I remember we had a wall heater in the bathroom and for hours after I got out of the bathtub, I sat in front of that heater and lost myself. I learned that day how to shut off. How to lose myself and be somewhere else. I had learned when I was four how to be in "Barbados" - a dreamland of my own creation. But it was sitting in front of that heater that I learned how to control it. And that control led to my repressing dealing with any of this for years. My parents divorced shortly after this and I was adament about living with my dad - only because my mom wanted to live in the same house, and I could not handle that. I was sleeping in the hallway - too afraid to go into any rooms. I wasn't eating - I was depressed, and only at 7. By the time I was 8, I wanted to committ suicide. My dad remarried, and the emotional and mental abuse I suffered at the hands of my stepmom were something that a child trying to get over sexual assault can't deal very well with. I often took advantage of my control over escape, and hid out for most of my teenage years. I only came out of my room when I had to, and even when I came out, I would hide inside myself and put up my wall of defense. Unfortunately, my wall wasn't thick enough to keep the insults out - it was only thick enough to keep the real me surpressed.

My story does not end there though. I eventually opened up to a friend of mine who had been through her own ordeal and found it a little easier to open up to close friends about it. But the first person I told in my family was my mom. Her defense was to deny it and call me a liar. She told me I must have made it up. It hurt me a lot to not have the support of my mother, but I tried to understand being in her shoes and understood that denying it was her way to deal with it.

When I was 19, I was in my first serious relationship. I had had relationships before but had always been closed about sex. I was adament about not having it. But finally, with this guy, I was in love. He was very understanding and only moved forward when I was the one to ask him. Things progressed and his family was moving out of state and offered for us to come with them. We had our problems, and I guess I thought running away from them would make things better for us. But it didn't. It only made them worse. We started living together once we moved away. I had no friends, no family near me, and no one to turn to but him, and that situation was taken advantage of. I was supporting him and what I got in return was insults and violent behavior. He never hit me - but he did push me several times, and I could see that violent man in him, and the fear in myself. But I ignored the warning signs and thought I was tough enough to walk away when the situation got dangerous. But I wasn't.

There was an occasion where we were having sex and I was in a lot of pain and started to have flashbacks. I told him to stop, but he told me to wait. He said if I just dealt with it for a minute longer, it would be over. I told him to stop again, but he wouldn't. I cried through the rest and when it was over I ran to the bathroom, which growing up with my stepmom had always been my safe haven. It was ironic to me, that I found so much fear, yet so much solace, in a single room in a home. I had always feared the bathrrom and would freak if anyone in my family walked in on me while I was showering or bathing, but often times when I was depressed and felt the need to cry - I found my shelter in the shower. After the incident with my boyfriend, I told myself I was just being stupid. I felt raped, but then I would put the thought out of my head. I didn't think it was possible to be raped by somebody you are in love with and already involved with. But slowly - now a year after we finally broke up, I am beginning to realize that it is what I felt inside that makes this hard to deal with. All the emotions and pain that was welling through me - physical and mental - made me feel like it was a rape. Mostly because I felt so violated and ashamed of what had happend. Because I felt that same dirty and disgusted feeling when it was over that I had felt those times before. I eventually blocked it out. Giving myself the excuse that it was my fault for not fighting harder, or not being more insistant. I in no way blame him. He thought he was not doing any wrong, and because I once loved him, I can't find it in me to be angry for that. But I think deep down, there is a part of me that will always be very hurt by him and feel that I can never trust a man because I won't know how to deal with feeling violated by another person I trust.

I have been very fortunate in finding my Prince Charming. He has been my best friend for several years and I find him completely my whole not only as a friend but now as my lover. He is very patient and understanding and I am truly blessed to be so lucky. I find myself dealing with a lot fo my past because I have let myself go so freely to my trust for him. And for once, I truly feel safe.

These situations are something I have had to deal with progressively for 17 years. But I HAVE made progress. I eventually told my sister and my dad. And I find through voluterring with RAINN that it gets easier and easier to share. I beleive, if anything positive can come out of a situation like this, it's the fact that I can help others. I am truly a stronger and wiser person today because of what I have been through. It was not an easy road to travel in order to get here, but I made it and I overcame. And only from experience do I say that each and every survivor out there can overcome too.

Just a small voice in a sea of too many.
 

It all started when I was 12. I had been babysitting for some friends of my parents when the father of the little girl came home. He was drunk, but I didn't realize that then. He told me I looked pretty, then pinned me up against a wall and started to kiss me and touch me all over. I was only a little girl, and I didn't posess even a tenth of the strength he had...so he didn't get much of a struggle. To this day I can still feel his beard on me if I think about it.. all over my body. I still take scalding showers from time to time to try to rid myself of that feeling. He didn't actually rape me. Voilated, yes, but not raped. That came 6 years later when, after seeing something on TV about rape victims, my boyfriend at the time decided that it would be fun to "role play." He was the rapist, I was the victim..the only problem was, I didn't want to play. I told him no again and again, but he kept on, eventually holding me down and forcing me to have sex. I left his house that day feeling dirtier than I had after the incident with the guy I babysat for.

I cried and cried for days afterward. Finally I caved in and told one of my friends what had happened. She just looked at me weird and said "Well, you were already having sex with him, so it's not rape." I started making excuses not to see him, and he would INSIST on it until I would agree for fear of causing a scene. I didn't want anyone to think anything was out of the ordinary. I didn't want anyone to know, because I thought it was my fault for sleeping with him in the first place.

I eventually broke up with him, and everyone wondered why. "He was such a nice guy... " is all I heard for months. I couldn't look a guy in the eye for a long time afterwards...I still have problems with that. The first time I heard Tori's "Silent All These Years," I didn't know she was singing about dealing with a rape, but I felt her touch a part of me that hadn't been touched before. I went out and got the CD and sat and listened to it for hours upon hours, day after day. I think that her music had a lot to do with how far I've come.. and I have come a long way, I think. Now I have a wonderful boyfriend, who is completely in the dark about the whole thing. I don't know how to tell him without sounding like I'm "crying" rape. I know he wouldn't think that, but I don't want to sound that way to myself... I think I'm still in the stage of coming to terms with the fact that it WASN'T my fault. I tell myself that, but I don't always believe it. I saw you and Tori and the others on 20/20 (or some other televison show like that..I never caught the name) the other night.. I was sitting there watching TV, and when that came on and they told about your web page and told your story, I just sat and cried.. I didn't know that there was anyone out there but me and Tori who felt the way that I do. Then I came to your site and read the stories... I cried some more, but now I realize that others have gone before me.. and they've made it! This gives me such hope.. thank you.

Manda