My story is not only a story of sexual and physical violation, but of spiritual violation as well. I has taken me 13 years to come far enough in my healing process to acknowledge the extent of what happened to me when I was 13 years old, and to finally understand why it still hurts so very very much.

When I was 9 years old, my parents began studying with the religious group known as Jehovah's Witnesses. Most people have heard of Jehovah's Witnesses due to their extensive door-to-door preaching work but very few actually understand what a JW (shorthand for Jehovah's Witness) actually believes. I remember when my parents first became involved with the JWs I was confused but curious... I was a precocious child. The three-times-a-week meetings allowed me to develop a few good friendships with other JW children and my family became more and more involved in the religion.

When I was 13 I developed my first real crush on an elder's son. (In the JW religion an Elder is an authority figure, similar to a minister or deacon.) His name was Steve and I was best friends with his younger sister L---. The four of us, Steve, L---, my brother, and I, were very close and I remember going to their house many times for dinner or to play. One night my brother and I were invited to Steve and L---'s house to spend the nght, the first time we would ever spend the night at their house. I remember being excited and happy, knowing I would be spending alot of time with my friend L--- and especially her brother, the object of my childhood affections.

During the course of the night, the four of us ended up playing an innocent game of 'closet', where either Steve and I or L--- and my brother would go into the closet for a couple of minutes of kissing and giggling and being young and just learning about our sexuality. In my head I remember how the JW religion taught that innocent childhood play like this was 'wrong' and 'bad' and eventually I didn't want to play this game anymore because I felt like God would hate me. So all four of us stopped and went to bed, L--- and I in her room and Steve and my brother in Steve's room next door. Part of me was glad that Steve liked me enough to kiss me, my first real kiss ever, but a part of me knew I was a 'bad' girl because of the religious beliefs I had been brought up in.

Some time during the night I woke up, groggily realizing that there was someone laying on top of me. I was confused, I felt his hands under my pajamas pulling at my underwear but I didn't understand what exactly was happening. I realized it was Steve touching me like that! Steve, whose father was an important man in the congregation, and I was in his father's house! I froze immediately, instinctively I *knew* I couldn't make a sound or I would be in trouble. The Elders would find out I kissed Steve and that I was bad and this was all my fault. I squirmed onto my stomach, pretending I was still asleep, and I prayed to Jehovah to make him stop. He didn't stop. The thoughts running through my head over and over "I can't let anyone know I was bad." and I kept quiet. I tried desperately to figure a way to get Steve to stop doing this to me. When he pushed himself inside of me something snapped and I reached down and grabbed at him, scaring him off of me. He ran back to his room and I laid there awake the whole night trying to figure out how to make sure no one knew what a bad little girl I was. I never told anyone, which I am eternally grateful for.

A year later the dirtiness and guilt I felt over what happened to me, over my rape, became too much and I looked for solace in the JW religion, thinking that getting baptized would "wash me clean" somehow. It didn't... somehow I felt even worse afterwards because I didn't confess to the Elders what *I had done*. I made myself forget the whole incident just to survive.

When I was 16 a close friend of mine T---, herself only 15 at the time, was gang-raped in a local park by some boys she knew from school. She immediately told her parents who went to the police and took her to a hospital. The Elders soon found out what had happened to her and called her into a 'judicial committee' meeting. (A Judicial Committee is comprised of 3 or 4 Elders who question someone believed to have committed wrongdoing and decide their guilt or innocence.) My friend had told me what had happened and I saw her going into the little room, without her parents, only the Elders who were going to ask her all sorts of questions about the gang-rape. I remember her face when she walked out of that room, the pain and torture hidden behind her brave teary eyes, and I remember how she couldn't speak to me, she could only run out of the Kingdom Hall and get away. My only thought was "Thank goodness I never told anyone what I did or else that would have been me!" T--- was publicly reproved that Sunday and the entire congregation was told to consider her 'bad associations' and why? Because she was gang-raped.

Jehovah's Witnesses in the late 80s and early 90s believed that a woman was only raped if she screamed and fought her attacker with all of her might, even if it meant her attacker killed her to shut her up. I am currently researching articles in various Watchtower and Awake magazines (Magazines published by the Watchtower Bible and Tract Society and used by JWs worldwide as much, if not more so, than the bible.) that prove these beliefs did exist and were prevalant. The Elders who 'reproved' my friend for being gang-raped, and who would have 'reproved' me if they had known, were doing what they were told by their religion. That doesn't make it any less horrible. I didn't scream out of fear and terror and neither did T--- so, according to our religion, we had not been raped.

Thankfully I left the JW religion when I was 18 and soon after I began to remember exactly what had happened the night Steve raped me. I recognized it as rape and I started calling it what it was. A key to that giant step was hearing the song Me And A Gun, which I am eternally grateful for. Without that song, I would more than likely be dead or worse, like my friend T---. Right before I left the JWs, I was told by T---'s sister that she had run away to Florida and was prostituting herself, living on the streets. That could just as easily have been me, believing I was a whore for what happened to me so much that I became one literally. To this day I don't know if my friend is alive or dead.

To finish this story, or maybe just finish the beginning of this story, I watched the 20/20 episode last night called "Chasing The Shadows" of which you were a part. Mainly I tuned in because I wanted to see Tori and I wasn't quite sure what the segment was about. I think Tori opened my eyes again last night when she said she was still getting help. Because of being brought up a Jehovah's Witness and because of the deep pain and scars I still have spiritually and emotionally, I haven't found the strength in myself to reach out for help. I think I have finally come to the place in my healing process to seek help finally... thanks to Tori and her message.

I can't give Tori Amos all of the credit for the huge steps I've made, because I know it's taken alot of work, tears, and blood on my part just to get me this far, this small step, but I know deep inside that without her I would never have found my inner strength. It would never have been OKAY for me to admit finally that I was raped and to seek help. Stephanie...VuduGurrrl@aol.com
 

Well it seems that I am much older than alot of you and I have covered my pain and built a great life for myself by saying that I would not let them ruin my life! It was 28 years ago 1971 and I was sixteen two older guys asked me to go to a dance I told my parents a lie and met them down the street from my house. We went to the dance I dont remember much but after instead of taking me home they took me to a park. We got out of the car and walked up into the mountains all of a sudden there were more guys there one of them forced me to the ground and another one showed me a gun and threatened me. I don't know how many guys raped me I just kept telling myself it would be over soon. As we walked back to the car there was a police car in the parking lot I have always wished I would have started running and screaming but it just wasn't in me at that time. Well they took me home I called a girlfriend and told her what happened she threw up because she had also been raped. The strangest thing was that the guy that threatened me with a gun came to my house a few days later and tried to apologize saying that he didn't know I was a virgin. My Father came to the door and told him to go away. I never have made sense of his reasoning like it would have been ok if I had had sex before.

I don't know how I got through those days but it wasn't the end of it. Three months later I'm pregnant and abortion is illegal RoeVS Wade had not happened yet. I had to tell my mother I don't remember what I said but I don't think she believed me she thought I was pregnant by one of the guys I went out with that night. She helped me, my case had to go before a board to decide if I could terminate the pregnancy. When I went in I told the young man that was wheeling me in that I was scared and he said "Well you don't have to do it". That has always stayed with me yes I did have to do it and I am so glad I did, my life would have been so different.

Your stories have reminded me of how very violent it was and have made me feel very proud of myself for working through this on my own. Only my very close friends have ever known about this part of my life.

The thing that has helped me is that I had to show them that they could not ruin my life that I would have a loving sex life with men and I would be so much better than those vermin that would do that to a young girl. If any man try's to take me like that he will be praying to god because I will go crazy on his ass I only wish we didn't have to learn that lesson the hard way. I love you that have shared your stories and thank you for listening to mine.
 

I was afraid to write about what happened to me, because I was afraid of being ridiculed. I don't talk much about what happened to me, because when I was raped I was under the influence of alcohol. It took a long time for others to convince me that rape is rape no matter what the circumstance. And it took me an even longer time to accept that. When I started reading all of these stories I didn't think anyone would understand what I went through; No one would understand what I was feeling. I was so wrong, and I know now that I'm not alone.

I have been raped a total of 4 times by 3 different guys. Two, who were supposed to be my friends, and one, who was a boyfriend at the time. In my high school days I had a lot of emotional problems. I drank a lot, and I was promiscuous. So when I was raped no one believed me, and those who did blamed me. The first time I was so drunk that I hardly remember a thing. I didn't even know it was rape at the time, but it is in a court of law (someone under the influence cannot consent to sex even if they said, "Yes."). The second and third times I was coherent, and I said, "No" over and over and over. I cried and pleaded, but I was too drunk to fight back or to do much of anything except lay there. When it was over I just lay there crying. He rolled over and went to sleep. Somehow I managed to get to my girl friend's house. I asked her why she left me there at that guys house, and she said that she thought that's what I wanted, and it was my fault if I didn't fight back. Stupidly, I believed her, and within the week I was back over the same guys house partying again. The second time he raped me I tried to fight back, but I didn't have enough strength. I said, "No, please." He said something stupid like, "Don't worry it'll be OK." I cried through the whole thing. When it was over I sat at the end of the bed crying, and he said, "I'm sorry." I left and walked home; A walk I don't remember too much about...I was in a daze.

The fourth time was by my boyfriend (not surprising since he also beat me up a lot). I learned that the harder you fight back the harder you get hit. So I learned to block out the fear and pain, and take what I got...In retrospect I guess I found my Barbados. I never lived those abuses down. People would say things like, "She's a slut. She deserves what ever she gets." "If she doesn't like to be beaten then why does she stay with him?" And soon I started to believe that, too.

I suppressed my memories. I had emotional problems. I had trouble trusting men. I had no self esteem. I didn't understand why. Then, when I got to college, I got involved with a great guy. He was sweet and gentle. One day we started getting intimate, and I just freaked. Something in me just clicked. I had terrible flashbacks...There was no going to Barbados this time, and I fought back like I never got the chance to before. I tried everything in my power to hurt (kill) this man...only THIS man wasn't the demons from my past. He was my angel for my future. He didn't understand what was happening at the time, and he was pretty freaked out, but he stood by my side and took care of me from that day on. We've been together for 5 and a half years. We've been married for a year and a half. So I learned that, no it wasn't my fault, yes there are wonderful men out there, and no I'm not alone. Thanks for listening.

Cherri
annep_70@hotmail.com
 

I was 12 years old the summer I lost my virginity. I had just recieved my first kiss that summer, my first real boyfriend at that, and I was about to start the 8th grade. I was staying with my best friend, Angel for the weekend while her parents were out of town on a buisness trip. A friend of her families was house sitting and keeping an eye on her younger brother; I can't remember this girl's name any longer. One night she had some of her friends over for a small party. There was one boy there, Brian, whom Angel and I thought was very cute. He was 16, a bit too old for me but not Angel who was 2 years older than I. So we admired him from afar for a bit and then it seemed as though he took an intrest in me. I was shocked and to be quite honest delighted to have this "older man" interested in little old me. As the night progressed he made it quite clear that he was indeed very interested in me. And after the house sitter left for a while he got me to go in one of the back rooms with him. It's been so long since I've talked or even thought about any of this that it's hard for me to remember exact feelings, but I know I was excited and nervous. I had no idea what was in store. It started out innocent enough. A kiss here, a touch there. Then it moved on rapidly. Before I knew it he was doing things to me that I'd never even heard of. And asking me to do the same. I didn't have the slightest idea what we were doing with my limited knowledge of sex. The only thing I new for sure was that we should use a condom beacause I had just gotten my first period earlier that summer and I didn't want to get pregnant. This is that part that has tormented me for so long. He was about to take it all the way and I got scared. He told me he could use a condon if I "REALLY" watned him to, but we didn't have to. It all happened so fast I didn't have a chance to say stop..until I felt that first gut wrenching sharp pain. I screamed for him to stop , that he was hurting me. All he said was, "hold on, c'mon it'll be ok, give me a second and it won't hurt". He was so much bigger, older, stronger than I, I didn't know what to do. I kept telling him he was hurting me and asking him to stop , but he just wouldn't listen. I finally gave up and lay there waiting for it to be over. When it was over I went to the bathroom to see if I was bleeding, and suprisingly enough there was very little blood. I had to leave shortly after all this happened. And I later came to find out that after I had gone, he walked out of the room telling my best friend Angel, "well she's not a virgin anymore." Either that day or not long after she told me that she slept with him too. The experience isn't what hurts me the most, it's all the guilt I have from it and the paranoia and fears I've gotten from it. For about 5 years I never called it rape. I thought that since I had agreed to it initially then it couldn't be rape. It's only been recently that I've even started thinking about it again and looking at it from a different perspective. And that is thanks to a very wonderful person in my life, whom I love dearly. He was the first one to tell me it wasn't my fault and that if I said stop, Brain should have stoped. Even now as I'm writing this I'm still not sure I should submit it because other women have gone through something far worse. Even know I can't completely believe I have the right to call it rape. And that is the guilt that never goes away for me.

Hi. My name is Melissa and I'm 18 yrs old. about 1 year ago i was assulted...It happened on a friday morning...about 5am..like the song says..5hrs after the ball dropped on new years eve...I thought i would be staying home for the night untill a friend called and said she would pick me up and take me to a party...she told me that i could just tell my parents that i was going to babysit her kids...she was a lot older than me and i didnt think that telling my parents i was going to a party with a 32 yr old would be a good idea, so i lied and said i was babysitting for her. She picked me up around 7:30 and we headed to the party...I felt uncomfortable around all these people that were so much older than me so I ended up sitting in the corner and being anti-social most of the night....well, the ball dropped and things got loud and crazy....i just sat and watched....at about 12:30 I told my friend that had brought me to the party that i wanted to call "this guys" house and see what one of my friends was up to. The night before new years eve i had talked to my best (male) friend and asked him if he wanted to hang out on new years...he told me that it wasnt a good idea b/c he would be drinking and that he would crash at whosever house he went to b/c he didnt want to drive, there for i would have no way home. Anyways, I called "this guys" house assuming that my best (male) friend was there.."this guy" told me that he was and offered to pick me up and bring me to his house so i could see my friend. Well he picked me up and when i got to his house there was noone downstairs where the "party" was going on....He then told me that they were upstairs in his roomates room playing video games....well i went upstairs with him and there was a tiny smoke filled room with 3 of his roomates and a few friends sitting on the floor....MY friend wasnt there though...I asked him where he was and hhe told me that he wasnt feeling good so he went home. I now felt uncomfortable and scared. He asked me if i wanted a beer and i said sure, i opened it and never took 1 sip . he asked me to go with him across the hall. well across the hall was his bedroom. He had a chair in his room and i sat down while he sat on the bed taking his shoes off. He just kept looking up and smiling at me while i sat silent and wondered what i was going to do for the rest of the night. After he got his shoes off he came over to me and sat on the arm of the chair i was sitting in and tried kissing me. I pushed him away and moved my head back. he made a frown face at me like he was saying "oh come on melissa".My heart was racing and i wanted to get out of there, he tried it again, and again i pushed his face away from mine and told him to stop. He got up and and yelled "why the hell did you come over here"..I was scared and said b/c i wanted to visit with my friend. he said "oh your friend,are we just friends" i told him yes and he came over to me and said well if you change your mind ill be in the other room. I didnt know what to think of it all, he kindly said as he was leaving to go to the other room that i could have the bed if i wanted and he would sleep on the floor. He left to go to the other room and i took up his offer b/c there was nothing left for me to do for the rest of the night. i took my shoes off and laid on the bed...about 2 minutes later he came back in and sat on the bed right next to me. He reached in hhis night stand and pulled out a mirror and some coke. I couldnt believe what i was seeing..he carefully laid the coke into tiny lines on the mirror and sniffed about 3 of them, he put the mirror down and leaned over towards me and started to put his arm around my waist as i tried to get up he just pulled me down, i was yelling waht r you doing, leave me alone...he yanked me to the middle of his bed and straddled me..while holding on to my neck and continuing to straddle me he leaned over to the night stand and pulled out a gun. i thought he was going to kill me right ther and then.i started to cry and was choking. i was wearing a skirt so things were easy for him. he ripped my tights off put the gun above my head and did what he was waiting to do all night, he then said "dont worry youll like it in a minute"....i was crying, screaming and doing everything to get away...i was in total shock....when he stopped he didnt bother to do anything other than wrap his arm around me and hold the gun in front of my face, i noticed a clock, it was 5am, i was shivering and thought i was going to die. about two hours after i layed there with a gun in my face and him saying"dont worry" he told me to get dressed and hed bring me home. he had the gun , i did what he said. Once we got to my house he said if i said anything toanyone hed get me. i took a shower, threw my clothes away and cried in my room for ever.......i had to work that day....with "this guy" i went, but only to break down on some friends...that night RAINN was called a friend went with me to the hospital ans a local RAINN person met us there.. Theres not a day that goes by that i dont think about it....i dont talk about it.....this is unlike me to write this even.......its embarassing....sometimes i think if i was wearing pants or didnt trust him, or something...it wouldnt have happened..i watched the show on 20/20 and i had tears in my eyes..my dad came out...my face turned red, he watched and didnt say a word to me, he left the room and i went in my room to cry....i need someone who understands where im comming from....who understands what im going through, just someone to talk to to cry to.."this guy" lives 10 minutes away and i fear everyday that i might meet up with him some how or that hes out there doing this to other girls, and i want to be strong enough to do something about it. but i cant.