Hi. Well, I'm not much of a storyteller when it comes to this. I have told exactly 4 people, my mother, my sister, and two friends that mean a lot to me. I never had the courage to admit that this happened to me to anybody-until about two years ago. I'm sorry if this doesn't make sense, but it is so hard. I am trying. My first sexual experience was forced on me at 6 years old. It was really really sick and the details are something which the pieces that I remember are enough to make me glad that I forgot the rest. HE was my friend's father-but her mother was involved too. my friend...was having this big party...all the girls in class were invited, including me. We were watching Strawberry Shortcake cartoons. I loved Lemon meringue so I thought this party was pretty cool. Then HE asked me to come over by him, so I did...during this time i was also being physically abused by my dad's girlfriend. So, I was afraid of not doing what people told me to. He asked me to "talk" to him and bring my sleeping bag over there. I was so well-trained by Robin, my dad's girlfriend that I did not move away or protest when he stuck his hand down my pajama botttoms and into my underwear. His wife watched the whole fucking time and even suggested that "we move this thing to so and so's bedroom..."(their older son) they told me to follow them so i did. I laid there when they hurt me and cried for my mom whom i hadn't seen for a long time. I don't rember much of what they did to me. I remember pain, and then I remember watching a swirl of bodies. I think that they had sex right next to me or something. That was the first story..the second thing that happened to me seemed like nothing in comparison to that. So I once again, did nothing. My ex-boyfriend Jeff raped me. I was asleep and he was drunk and he just climbed on top of me. He was a huge guy. 6'5 and pretty muscular. No matter what I did he wouldn't get off me. I bit him, I kicked him, and I screamed. There were people in the room next door passed out who didn't hear or didn't care. I ended up with bruises all over my body...he said they were from fighting, that I would have been fine if I hadn't fought him. This time I told my sister right away. I was more angry than anything. Why does this happen to me? these horrible things? My sister told so many people, including my mom. She told her boyfriend who in turn, told his friends. Everyone started treated me like I was a freak of some kind. Some guys beat Jeff up. AND..I felt sorry for him! He doesn't deserve my sympathy! I had just called the police three days before then to get him away from my house. I figured I was pretty messed up in the head for feeling sorry for him. I never reported the rape or the first incident. I don't know what to call the first- thing. My mom says you can't call it rape because you don't know if he put his penis in you...I don't know, but thank you for this page. I also listen to tori and she helps too. I called rainn for my sister once, because she was raped last year. I don't think i am strong enough to tell someone this story over the phone that I don't know, or in person. I'm just not. I'm sorry for the length of this, but it was good to get it all out. Thank you so much...

*hugs*
Stephanie
 


our story is so similar to mine, it's scary. I, too, was 15, and like you, a virgin. 16 years later, it seems like yesterday. A friend and I accepted a ride home from a local skating rink from another friend of ours, knowing there were 2 other boys in the van. We had always gotten along with them. Until then. Instead of taking me home, the driver cruised by my parent's house repeatedly while the other two raped me. IN FRONT OF MY FRIEND, WHO WAS TOO SHOCKED AND AFRAID TO DO ANYTHING. When they finally let us out, my friend did the best she could to compose me and take care of me the rest of the night. That was Valentine's Day, 1983, a Saturday night. The following Monday at school, they told my whole class that I had willingly had sex with all three of them, and my entire grade began a verbal assault that did not end until graduation, two years later. Neither I nor my friend told anyone else-they had threatened to kill both of us if we did. Over the years, I have tried to go on, and for the most part, have. I know have 2 beautiful children and a husband, but the effects of the night HAVE NEVER WENT AWAY, AND NEVER WILL. There is more to my story, but I am out of time now and must go. If you want to talk and share some helpful healing ideas, I can be reached at either of these two addresses: afc@bsws.com and amy2clay@aol.com . Take care and God bless you for this site.

You are very special.

Amy
 



 


When I was sixteen I snuck out of my bed room window to meet my friends at the back of my old high school so we could drag race our cars there. I needed to go to the bathroom and had to walk across the oval to get to the only public rest room any where near there. it was late, about two in the morning and there was noone around. A man came into the girls side of the bathrooms and I knew as soon as I saw him that he was going to hurt me in some way. And he did. He held me up against the wall and raped me. It wasn't violent, I didn't scream or fight. It just happened at it was terrifying. I walked back across to my friends and I was so surprised that they ewre acting the same to me. They couldn't tell that something bad had happened to me but I felt so different that I was sure they would be able to tell right away. I said I was sick and I was driven home. I was too scared to tell my parents because I thought they would be mad at me for sneaking out. The next day I went down to where my ex boyfriend, now best friend worked and told him what happened. He was so sweet and it was then that i realised how bad it was because I was trying to pretend like it wasn't a big deal, like I was just telling him for no reason, but I started to cry and I still cry and it hurts so bad and sometimes I don't even know why I'm hurting. After a while I got really sick. I went to the docter and he told me i was pregnant. I wanted to die. I hadn't done any homework in over a month, I was going from straight A's to straight D's, my parents were on my back to study harder to bring my grades up, and I just wanted to die.Finally I broke down and told my older sister. She was devestated, but told me to talk to the councellor at school who organized for me to have an abortion. That was three years ago. I now live in a tiny little flat with that ex boyfriend now best friend who I first told. I also have a boyfriend who I sometimes feel weird with when things are getting heavy but he knows when to stop. I hate that sometimes I'm sad for no reason at all and I can't figure out and then it will come crashing down on me and it will be like I've been physically knocked to the ground. It sux and I just wanted to let you know that i understand, not the feelings because everyone's are different, but I understand just how horrible it is.

Shireen
 



 



I usually don't tell my story. It hurts to much and the welts I give myself don't heal very fast. It happened so long ago and in another place that somedays it's very easy to mistake it as somebody else's life, somebody else's misfortune. Then I remember it was me tied down in my fathers work shed. Then I remember wanting to dissapear, never to die.

Both of my parents worked when I was 10 years old so I was home alone most of the time until my mother got home around 6. We had a family friend that was over often when my parents were home and so it wasn't uncommon for him to come by and drop something off when they weren't there. On this day he dropped off a part to an engine and told me that my dad said he could borrow the bungee cords out of the back shed. I led him through the house and out to the back yard. We both went in together to find the bungee cords. He found two and I was looking for the others in the other corner when the door closed partially. Enough light came in to see but no one could see in. All of a sudden I felt him on top of me and I was crumpling against the floor.

Things kept happening too fast and before I had time to register most of what was going on my hands were above my head and tied together. He spread my legs and ripped off my pants. I don't remember feeling him inside me. I went blank because I think the great people upstairs didn't want me to know what was going on. I woke up a little later. My hands were untied and he was gone. I went into the house sobbing and dirty. I threw away the pants in the dumpster after washing off. I didn't breath a word to my mom. I told I had gotten dirty playing with my next door neighbor and that's why I had taken a shower. She never questioned the missing pants. I was afraid that if I told not only would I be blamed but that the secret of me being attracted to boys would be found out.

I'm still in active counseling and am finding strength. Keep up your site, we all need it.

Mason
a 21 year old male survivor
 



 


so I am telling you this story as a release because I have been having flash backs and I have been having problems being intimate with my boyfriend!

so here we go! I was living in a new town and going to a new school because my father had decited to leave me for his girlfriend so I had to go live with my mom! I was not getting along with my mom because I felt she abandoned me two years prior when she left the house because of my father to live with another man! That is another story though! I had no friends in my new school! The kids did not take to me well! I made a friend who comforted me and was there for me 100%! We started dating and he got me into pot! He got me high and then he raped me! I had no idea what was going on! He took my virginity away and he did things to me that made me cry and scream ! Not saying I wanted to sleep with him either! I was a virgin and I planned on keeping it , but it did not turn out that way. He was all I had at that time so I stayed with him!

He continued to do this to me. He also mentally abused me and played alot of mind games! This made me sucidal (along with the rape)! I not only felt dirty; I also felt unloved by everything around me! I tried commiting sucide! I tried overdosing on medication (took 20 ibuprofin wishing it would kill me)! I was taken to the hospital where I was given charcol and medicine. I was put on a moodswing medication after that called depicote (spelling?)!

He had left for the summer for a job and three days later I found out I was pregnant! We all knew something was up because of how much I was sleeping and how I always felt sick to my stomach (morning sickness). So as soon as they found out my doctor took me off my medication. He set me up with a doctors apointment for a ultrasound! I went for this and the doctor came back in to tell me that the baby had no brain! The medicine I was taking took the brain away from the baby! I never cried so much in my life ! It hurt me more than the rape did! The doctor had a huge conversation on how it was the best to have a abortion because the baby would live three days the most if I made it to the delivery day! I really had no choice but to abort the child! It was for the childs best interest not mine! I would have had it! I still think about him/her and cry to this day about it! The child bothers me more than the rape but the whole experence will always be apart of me. No matter how much I try to heal it will always leave this big gash in my life and in my heart!

The year after my rape I cried everyday! It was so bad at one point that my knees would give out and I would collapse in the middle of the hallways of my high school! This was not only sad but I was labeled as a cry baby! If they only knew what I was crying about! I dont think they would have pointed the finger and laughed so hard!

Now I am facing problems of flashbacks and dreams! I have come pretty far though! I have built more confidence and I love myself more than I have in years! I guess because I look back and say "well nothing is as bad as then". I had a huge problem last night when I was babysitting! I was taking care of a newborn (2 weeks) and I just wanted to cry because I wonder where my child is wandering in the clouds! I cry in think of you everynight my child! I love you with all my heart! Please don't be mad at me! If I had a choice you would be my choice!

that is my story and my pain!

Carolyn
http://www.geocities.com/~toriamos
 



 


Mine name, is Leslie. I'm 18 years old, and I thought I had managed to put a great deal of things behind me...but apparently I haven't. One of my closest friends sent me your website, thinking it would help, because it helped her. She thought it would help me b/c i had been sexually abused as a child..she doesn't know i was raped..Don't get me wrong, it did help, but it also hurt. So here's my story. Not as bad as some, but equally horrible for me.

I was a sophomore in high school. Young, excited about that year being the beginning, and i met someone in my first weeks of class. He was in my speech class, and a year older than me. He began to do things, we began to do things, that could only be described as, courting. We went on picnics, out to movies, walked around the Square admiring the Christmas lights. He would let me beat him at chess, and he charmed me in ways no one ever had before. I was hooked, I loved him. I lost my virginity to him even. But that was at the beginning. It came to points where he both emotionally and mentally tore me apart, smiling as he did it. Yet, I couldn't turn away. I had always wondered how women could possibly stay with a man who abused them, and still defend that man.

Now I know. He and I were together for a long time, for about 8 or 9 months. And finally, way too late, I broke up with him. Everybody that didn't know me closely called me crazy. They said, "he's handsome, he's charming, he's well-built, and well liked." They obviously didn't know the real him. But I persevered. And broke up with him. I wasn't happier because of it, in fact, i felt adrift. But i did began to change back to a sliver of what i used to be. Until he caught me alone once, in this alley garden that's beautiful, and unless you know it's there, you'll never find it. But I went there to meditate that night..and he found me. No one heard my screams b/c they were all in my head. No one understood the marks on my body where he had...b/c i covered them. the marks on my wrists where he held me, the scratches on my back from the pavement..my bruised lips where he had silenced me...my swollen cheek where he had slapped me...no one really saw these. i sat in that garden for hours..wondering what i had done...why he hated me enough to kill what was left of me...i sat there and sobbed, and rocked myself for hours..until i finally got up the strength to go home..i showered, and scrubbed..and never told anybody...except for one person...her response? I had said yes to him once, that meant he had a lifetime membership to use me. I had brought it on myself, and it obviously wasn't what i had thought it was...obviously. he graduated last year, in May, 3 months after having done that to me. pretending for 3 months nothing had happened. And I thought, finally...my senior year, old and aching,..he won't be here. But I still see him around town..at the mall, or where ever. I never go to that little garden anymore..and i had thought i had healed... I have my good days and I have my bad. I have the days where i can forget, and the days..where i want to be dead. But i'm alive, and I'm here..and i'm fighting for others, who can't fight for themselves.
 


i am 16 years old and i dont think i was raped but what happened to me was horrible and remains in my head and i feel like i am just way to worried about something that was really nothing because a lot of my friends cant understand why i am so worried about something so little as this well to get on with my story...... when i was 5 or 6 we were at my dads cousins house and i dont remember going up there i just remember me and my brother being in this boys ( i think he would be my 2nd cousin) room (his age was about 12 or 13) and he was telling me to touch and kiss his penis and butt and i did while my brother was sitting there watching and every once in a while the boy would ask my brother to come and touch it and i really dont remember much more than that but i feel so horrible about myself and the other situation was when i was 15 and i was with my brother and his friend they were drinking beer at my sisters house while putting in his friends car stereo and for about an hour or 2 they were shoving beer in my face which i refused to drink because i dont like beer at all and so finally i told them i would drink a whole bottle of something that i liked so i chugged a liter of some blue hawaii drink and soon after i was feeling it so i was just walking around them watching them put in the stereo and after a little bit i fell over and my brothers friend (who my brother trusted) told my brother that he was going to bring me in and he brought me in and i fell over again and he started to kiss me and he told me lets go in the bathroom its safer and i just laid there so he picked me up and brought me into the bathroom with the lights off started kissing me some more and then i told he so stop then he stood up and just stared at me and i just laid there because i wanted him to go away and i didint know what else to do then later him and my brother left and after a while they came back (at this time my sister and brother-in-law were home) and i guess i was passed out on the floor in the living room and so him and my brother were going to go to sleep in the basement but my brothers friend said he was going to sleep upstairs in the living room because he didnt want to sleep on the floor cause my brother took the couch downstairs so my brother just said ok and he came up and laid on the couch right next to me and i woke up in the middle of the night to him touching me (my sisters room was right down the hall) and then he got on top of me and was kissing me all over and started to undo my pants and did stuff to me and i woke up the next morning and i was extremely sore and i felt disgusting so i took a shower and that morning i didnt look a him at all and he just acted like nothing happened but then i went to a babyshower and it was so hard to smile because i hurt so bad and i nobody knew what had happened well about a month or two later i was drinking with my brother and i get emotional when i drink so i started to cry and my brother was asking me what was wrong and i just kept saying your going to hate me over and over again and he kept telling me to stop it and tell me what was going on and after a while i told him and he didnt know what to do he felt so horrible and he wanted to kill his friend and he worked with him so it was hard for him to face him and act normal but for about a month me and my brother sat and cried, talked, sang together and he helped me through it so much i still feel like a whore and i think i always will because there were so many thing i could have done and if i would have known a little bit more about what to do in a situation like that maybe i would have done more he that friend of my brothers took so much away from me my incense my trust in all guys and so much more that i dont think he could ever realize because he is way to ignorant and it makes me so scared because there is no doubt in my mind that he would do it again and its just horrible because the 1 friend i told didnt even care to listen and she just thinks that this guy is so sweet which most people who know him think he is one of the sweetest guys they know and it just makes me so sick because i just wish someday he could know what he has done to me well i will stop on this and say that i know that this wasnt rape and how strong you women are to have lived through your unbelievable stories because i have the hardest time dealing with this bs that i went through and when i read the things some of you have went through i feel embarrassed even writing this because you have all been through such things that most people cant even imagine happening to a person my heart goes out to you all you are indeed amazing women and i envy your strength and courage through everything now that i have written a bunch of mumble that probably means nothing i will stop this. you are all beautiful and dont forget it!
 

 


 
 Back to Barbados