|
scream in cathedrals |
why can't it be beautiful
why does there gotta be a sacrifice |
The poetry of rape & sexual abuse survivors and their supporters.
This section is unfortunately currently closed to new submissions.
The message board has a creativity forum for poetry and other artwork by sexual violence victims.
in this chapel
little chapel of love
can't we get a little grace
and some elegance
i i e e e tori amos
EVENING WALK THROUGH A SHAMELESS GARDEN
9pm
10000 feet high
on a bridge
standing, staring
down
All is still
Even the fish aren't swimming
no birds are singing their gallant song
and the old man on
the bench stops
pointing his thing at little girls
let me be free
let me go
A hand holding back my dare
A hand pulls me down
A hand inside of me
here i stand
here i fly
How elegant it might be
to splash down
head first
legs last
Feeding the lake
the yellow pus
from under my brain cast
and have the animals
suck and coo
until they have had enough to
but they wouldnt even know
that they were just invited to transpose
an evil
something.
here i stand
here i drown
You wont be back for
3 days
The man on the bench
scratches his crotch
a fish slaps the water
with its tail
a bird squawks
as he chokes on a worm
and I stand
on a
bridge
10000
feet high
9
pm
heidi
THE FALL OF THE SERENE
The correct death
has always been
hiding
under a blue blanket
safely tucked
until she beat it
with a forked tongue
and it flew out
to find a new place to hide.
They said the ocean would drown it
and it did
for a bit
They said it would trip up the stairs
and would die
when it came back again
but it didn't
Instead it undoes itself
and wraps its arms around her
but shes not afraid, even
with a rusted hook hanging
from her mouth
and that crusted blood that
never dripped
Shes not sure if it is a
silver anniversary
but the dancing ballerina in her music box
is drifting off to sleep
without her
because theres a rage;
a liitle leftover
and its so delicate
(if you whisper its enough
to make the fire go)
but it climbed into her
all over again
and she never knew
that crime could happen in
so many places:
that little rape
And then, she sold it to god
for a brand-new tombstone
and a blue blanket.
>heidi
BLACK BEADS
Better to have left this world
and at least lived once
but never twice
Better to have watched
young girls drop their
cherries
and bleed on the yellow papers
of a forgotten institution
Someone
said I was to be born
but I've been locked inside
the secrets of
a right hand
I hate it there with dumb
animals that
lurk
in the corners
of my attic teaching me to funnel
down some midnight flight
with fallen angels
I've been packed
down
tight and awake
maggots circle my eyes
Eyes that never saw that movie
eyes that slept while bombs sounded an alarm
eyes that spit in the face of dumb animals.
Way back when
I lusted for christ
sucking and breathing in a
not-once-used-
penis
But even christ committed suicide.
Behind locked doors
I smell the stench of rotting corpses
So I turn my face
into the backside of god and
ingest some blackened hex
in pill form
until the night I sleep soundly
in the basement of those
old forgotten
canyons and wake up to
Humpty Dumpty girl saying:
Hurry up
I want to see treetops
we'll have ourselves a holiday
and put on a
parade--
It's time
I can't climb
up
much longer
It was such a long song the two would sing...
Hands flew off
the clock and bruised the
Ego of a translucent
tunnel
Washed eggs off the sheets,
put in microphone dentures,
and sand the song
of
unthinkable disease.
And what of this?
There used to be blood
in murder
but now a smile
greets Mr Death
Swim right on in
and sing me a
lullaby
I suppose you
understand the meaning
of nude death.
Then you're like me--
a polka dot doll
throwing up black beads.
heidi
PSALM 1995
yesterday,
same time,
same place,
i met christ
i engaged
the gingerbread man
the massivesonofabitch
ate himself
i sought shelter
but no trees
grow in my backyard--
so i met christ
(see)
but
i was made of
loneliness
and nothing else.
i saw
the sunset
and got swirled up in
the orange
i saw
the red flaming and
away went
christ
jesus
how i hate
you
and your pithy lies.
heidi>
Deranged
In between a memory and a dream
nothing is ever quite what it seems
You were there smoking your cigarette
it was a perfect silhouette
Of what I wish I could be
but intead i had to be me
All I wanted was to be loved
but intead I got shoved from
person to person from heart to heart
i just wanted to be apart
of this world i find so strange
but im left alone
confused and deranged
dixie
My mind
Outside i sit and i just cant quit
spinning the thoughts around in my head
i have to stop thinking I'd be better off dead
trying harder is a must
because i feel like my head is going to bust
into a million peices that ill never be able find
but what i really am losing is my mind
deeper and deeper i go the faster the thoughts begin to flow
i wish this pain would go away
but i fear that it is here to stay
i wish i could get out of this place but everywhere i go
i still see my face
dixie
Rape
How many lives must i live
before i can give
the secret to my soul
in this big black hole
How long must i wait
to give up this hate
that is in me so deep
and is mine to keep
It could be a day or a year
before i give up my fear
that my life is controlled
by someone elses knife
How many times will you do it to me
before you will see
you're fucking yourself
not me
dixie
acidrain
silver-tinged falling
blood in the water
curling my hair
mother's pretty daughter
crying
lying still
dying inside
at the hands of this
angel-faced
devilman
with broad broad shoulders
and calloused hands
gripping my face
til i'm nothing inside
empty girl
mother's daughter
with the long pretty curls
that hung in my eyes
and in my head the silver-tinged
rain
still curls the ends
of my long dark hair
and never stops falling
the so pretty acidrain that burns
and is cold all at once
Erica fuzzy little butterflies
so pretty they're not
his pale blue eyes
locked somehow in my memory
there's no way to forget
things like these
like a faucet that never turns off
just slows its drip from time to time
so change the pictures
of lost time in my mind
lost time
lost sleep
somehow i've managed to
find me
here in this jumbled maze
that looks almost
ordered, almost repetitive
my slow, calm
breath as i sleep
as whatever watches over me is
just doing her job
but where was she?
Erica
hiding things gets hard as
things pile up
and one day you realize
everyone can see through
your act
see through you like your
clothes, your skin
were transparent
no color, no bright remains in you
they could read newsprint through
your act
they can see your secret
sacred heart
no blood makes you a
cold girl
because you held out for almost a year
whole full year almost
before it was more than you could take, more
than this girl with the pretty
brown eyes could take
he took her, took me
ended happiness, innocence
or what i had left of it
just so quick
like lightning can burn the trees
it's over in an eternity it would seem but
to look back is to wonder
at what can happen in such a short
time
when you're a girl who trusts too easily
Erica
The Pear Tree
Little girl, sleeping underneath the pear tree
In the shade, the lake winds lift your hair.
Pretty girl, motionless in the long grass of
Summertime, the sweet birds sing for you.
Timid girl, waking softly as the evening
Sun goes down, and for you paints the sky.
It's dark now, girl.
With moonlight comes the frost,
your bed now of dead leaves.
It's cold now, girl.
A lake of ice to swim,
The night-bird sings your song.
You're here now girl.
Underneath the pear tree.
Underneath the pear tree.
Lis
Goodnight tattered, moth-eaten Mr. Grizzly,
Scruffy, balding, but loyal with dull black eyes;
Her devoted threadbare soldier of safety,
Abandoned again; she won't be home tonight.
Left to guard the shadows cast in emptiness,
He stands, bedraggled reminder of times past,
And waits for innocence to find some way back.
Goodnight old fuzzy yellow-patchwork blanket
Large enough for warmth, small enough to carry.
She has found a new world in rich red satin.
Now warm another orphan, Feather, her cat.
The "cuddly-fluffy" feeling fading so fast,
Fight to keep the stitches that made her happy;
Perhaps someday, a wish granted, she'll return.
The water was ice and she missed her blanket
The darkness was thick and her teddy was gone
The world was cold gray when her body was found
Good morning blackness, today is her birthday
Good afternoon stillness, please read the inscription
Goodnight silence: "Here lies daughter. We loved her."
Lis
Mirror, Mirror
Mirror Mirror on the wall,
Why is it lately, I feel so small?
Like a spec of dust on a dirty floor,
Like a filthy, old man's whore.
Mirror Mirror on the wall
Think back, can you recall?
How he uncovered what was hidden
And stole what was forbidden.
Mirror Mirror on the wall,
Why is it you did nothing at all?
To tell them what you saw was true
It was always there, you always knew
Mirror Mirror on the wall,
Why am I stuck in this barbed wire shawl?
Covered in armor from head to feet
To make sure no one gets close to me
Mirror Mirror on the wall,
Before I walk, why must I crawl?
Help me know where to begin
Just let me escape this pain that I'm in
Mirror Mirror on the wall,
Can you hear my anguished call?
This cry for help, these silent tears
Quiet for so many years.
Meg
Silent Screams
And they crawl through my mind
and they burrow and they speak softly
with those evil words,
poisoning me with my own blood,
I can't tell them,
those evil words are spinning and spinning
and I can't remember where I come from,
but I remember where I've been,
no regrets,
but drowning inside
and waiting for another day to let the screaming end.
Take me to the platform
and let me dance
and let the wind blow through me
and let the tears dry on my skin.
let them dissolve into joy.
and I dance
through the dirt while I talk to strangers,
but I'm their strangers,
strange girl with panic in her eyes
and a swing in her step about to
fall, to fall with no one there to catch
and I try and tell them but
those evil words come and convince me yet again,
so I cry and I fight them, those demons
living in my homes, houses,
for there's no hearts there,
those demons living in my houses that
laugh at this girls pain,
they think that they know fighting is what I live for,
this warrior.
and that my joy is in their tears, their pain, this bitch.
And I scream
but no sound comes and I cry
but they do not see the little poison
diamond streams,
I'm locked alone,
mute and dry and then the blood comes
and they listen,
then the screams go running down my arms
and they can hear,
I smash the insanity crawling in my mind.
I let the screams run
and run and run until
they've told all this soul
needs to say.
Shane
No Control
He comes closer,
Invading my personal space,
Inside I beg for him to stay away,
Inside I am overwhelmed with guilt and pain,
Outside I am stone.
You look into my eyes
Trying to convince me that what you do is right.
I know better than that.
Ever since the last time.
Your hands seem to have a mind of their own,
They seem uncontrollable.
But I know what you do is your choice.
It was your choice to hurt me so severely.
Even worse, instead of admitting what you did,
You let the guilt take over my soul,
Making me think that this is somehow my fault.
I felt like I was betraying you.
But why? It was you who betrayed everyone.
Your friends, your family, me,
The list goes on and on.
I will never be able to explain your actions
Or say what your did was right.
I will never be able to forgive you,
And I will now act like I have.
Pamela
The Impact
You calmly say that you are mortified
That I accuse your of doing that to me.
You stop denying it and give in a little.
You say your remember something similar to what I described,
But your were only joking around.
Believe me, I wish I could believe that,
I wish I could just drop all of this shit
And move on with my life.
But I can't forget the feelings of hurt and guilt you have caused.
I am so mad, so angry, so livid.
I just want to crash through a window
and die a slow and painful death.
I want to confront these emotions and kill them.
They don't deserve to take over me.
Nobody deserves to take over me.
I understand that. I believe that.
I accept that. That is right.
But why can't I defend the truth?
I put up with all of the lies
And listen to myself silently scream
For anyone, for anything,
A way out, For happiness,
To escape this torture.
Nobody is answering and inanimate objects don't have a voice.
People keep telling me that I am not alone.
I want to believe them,
But I can't picture anyone else going through this.
Everyone says there are so many people
Who have survived this pain,
But nobody ever mentions the people who haven't
Even though there are many out there.
The future can't be predicted
So where I am going to end up can't be seen.
I wish I could believe that everything
Happens for a reason and that I will survive,
But shit happens that makes me feel uncertain
And I question the things that I used to think were right.
I want to be able to deal with this.
I want to be as strong as everyone thinks I am.
I want to stop the intentional self damage
That is leaving scars that have or have not been asked for.
I want to stop ruining my body and put my life back together.
In my long journey from point A to point B
I have finally come across a glass barrier
That is really hard to break through.
I don't know if I can make it
Without hurting myself severely in the process.
I am getting to the point where I am about to give up
If somebody doesn't start to realise
How serious this really is and how much I really hurt.
My problems are a thing of the past.
I have to convince myself of that.
I have to believe the lies that are ruining my life.
That is what most people think
Except I know the truth that is getting to hard to conceal.
I need to cry, I need to scream,
I need to breakdown.
I need to stay strong, I need to hold myself together,
I need to help others before I help myself.
I need to learn to deal with this
But the problem with learning
Is you learn for your mistakes.
That would be fine except you also learn from
Everyone else's mistakes.
I don't want to have to learn from your mistakes.
I don't want to have to pay the consequences
For something I didn't cause to happen.
Ha, Joking around.
You make me sick.
Soon you will be aware of my feelings
And hopefully you will understand where I am coming from.
You are the only person I dislike so much I hate.
I am so upset I want to collapse and fade away underground,
If only I had to courage to free myself from this madness.
Pamela
Click the image above to view the next page of poetry or use the links below to select a page.
and chat room for rape, sexual abuse, and sexual assault victims.
